Branches and Trees

Musings on Marriage

Author: Shari Baar (Page 4 of 21)

My Past ≠ My Future

September 14, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Back in my younger days I was shy, insecure, quiet and always remembered Abraham Lincoln’s quote:

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool,

than to speak and to remove all doubt.

Because I did not want to remove all doubt, I remained silent.  I figured my thoughts were not important since there were so many other people talking – words, words were everywhere and I thought no additional words of mine were necessary.  I rather enjoyed listening to people’s stories – sad, funny, weird and sometimes profound.

 When I was in the third grade my teacher, Miss Vanyo, wrote on my report card:

Shari is an excellent follower, but will never be a leader.

I believed that statement for many years, so I looked for leaders I admired and followed them. 

Then in my late teens, I found that I loved teaching children how to play the piano, direct choirs and any other thing having to do with music.  One day it dawned on me that I was a leader, and I absolutely loved it.  I didn’t need to live in the past, taking Miss Vanyo’s or Abe’s words as truth.  My greatest gift and joy was leading, and when I discovered the voices of my past were not true, I was set free. 

I have a friend who is an amazing woman.  Theresa walks in confidence, teaches others how much Jesus loves them, how to live life abundantly, and she herself lives life with exuberant joy.  She has encouraged and counseled me, modeling the life of a true follower of Jesus.   

It wasn’t until I knew her for several years that I learned about her childhood and the horrendous abuse she suffered.  I was astounded when she told me stories about how her parents treated her for years, and I genuinely wondered how she could live a life of joy after enduring such an oppressive childhood. 

Of course, she had to go through a time of grieving all that happened to her during her growing up years, she had to forgive and depend on Jesus and His strength to let go of the past.  She fought the raging battle in her mind between her parents’ words and the Word of God.  After hearing derogatory comments about herself for most of her life, it was not easy going forward. But after learning she had been fed lies, she eagerly started speaking the truth about what God thinks of her: She is chosen, she is loved, the Holy Spirit has given her everything she needs to go and share the Good News with others who struggle with their past.

Remember the Israelites from thousands of years ago, who had to wander around the desert for 40 years – a journey that should have taken only 11 days?  And why was that?  It’s something Joyce Meyer calls Wilderness Mentalities, in her book Battlefield of the Mind. She has studied the Exodus Story and has come up with seven of these Mentalities.

Wilderness Mentality #1

My future is determined by my past and my present.

All the Israelites had ever known was bondage in Egypt.  They had no positive vision for their lives.  They only knew their history as slaves, living under harsh taskmasters, and could not fathom their lives being any different.  The same is true for us.  We know where we have been in our lives, the annoyances, the playback of past hurts, dashed dreams of the ideals we had for marriage.  Our adversary often feeds us the lie

Your life will always be like this, nothing will ever change, don’t even try.

Anyway, back to the Israelites who grumbled and deplored their situation, accusing Moses and Aaron for their circumstances.  The Israelites got free food falling from the sky every morning, their clothes and shoes never wore out, they constantly saw the cloud above leading them throughout the desert, yet still they complained.  They were never thankful for how God miraculously provided – nothing was ever good enough, negative words all the time.  They simply did not trust that God loved them enough to take care of them.  It sounds all too familiar, so similar to our grumblings today.  But instead of the believing the lie

Your life will always be like this, nothing will ever change, don’t even try,

Joyce encourages us to renew our minds and believe,

With God all things are possible. (Luke 18:27)

Asking for your life or marriage to flourish without God is like asking a rose to bloom without sunshine and water.  Yes, we all lose heart in our lives now and then; it’s a battle to keep on loving, keep on forgiving.  I remember several times just wanting to fly away, give up, call it quits.  But instead, I made another meal, washed another load of clothes, prayed, asked the Holy Spirit for strength to love people when I could not.

Memories are hard to forget, especially memories of how people have offended you, embarrassed you, hurt you.  Both you and I have been hurt by many people, but that doesn’t mean we have to give up on loving others.  What has happened in our lives previously does not reflect what will happen in the future.  It’s not too late and it isn’t too hard because with God all things are possible.  He makes all things new if we simply allow Him to work through us. 

You may think that you are too set in your ways to change and maintain good relationships, but remember – the only one you are responsible to change is yourself.  Life is not necessarily about your happiness, but about you becoming more like Jesus.  Then He will do the unexpected, as you trust Him for those quiet miracles.

Love, Mom

Human Amphibians?

August 31, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When you and I were in school we learned about some critters who are called Amphibians.  The most common is the frog.  If you put a frog into a tank of water without a dry place to crawl onto it will die, but if you place it in a terrarium with no water, it will also die.  Amphibians need both water and dry ground to thrive.

As frogs need both realms in order to thrive, so we humans are designed to live in two worlds – both the seen and the unseen world.  Of course, we are not cold-blooded creatures which all true amphibians are, yet we were intended to enjoy the benefits of two ecosystems, the physical and the spiritual, the earth and the heavens. 

The natural world was created with such beauty, it is saturated with wonders pleasing to all our senses.  Just look at your Facebook feed this time of year – vacations are being taken everywhere natural beauty exists.  Walking through a dimly-lit forest or with sand between your toes on the beach of a beautiful lake is like taking a vitamin (N for nature).  Simply untangling from technology can become a calm and peaceful reprieve.  Dad and I love to drive along Lake Michigan during any season of the year, enjoying the summer lush green vegetation, the majestic autumn colors in the fall or the frozen splendor of the lake in the winter.

But along with this beauty of creation we were also made to live in the spiritual world, to draw upon the supernatural strength, life-giving hope and joy that only Jesus can provide.  There are days when I feel totally alive, hopeful and trusting in God.  There are also days when I forget Him, become disappointed with Him, causing my faith to feel flat or even fake.  Hopelessness can become an infection in my soul, creeping in slowly and sometimes imperceptibly until I find myself in a dark pit. 

Like an injured animal that cannot keep up with the herd, one can become vulnerable to the predator who wants to drag our soul into Desolation.  We have an enemy of our soul who would like nothing more than for you and I to become hopeless and despairing of life.

John Eldredge writes about the human emotions, trying to live in this world using our own strength, watching the world become more divided and falling into chaos:

The symptoms [of Desolation] include a sort of dullness of heart, a poverty of spirit,

a barrenness of soul.  Disappointment, so understandable given the circumstances,

collapses into disillusionment.  Neither hope nor joy comes easily.

Because we are amphibians, we don’t have to rely on our own strength, but we have the Holy Spirit from whom to draw our strength.  Surprisingly, as Paul wrote to his friends in Colossae,

We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul –

not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives.

It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy,

thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything

bright and beautiful that He has for us.

(Colossians 1:11-12)

Now when I think about God giving strength, I often assume that He would give strength to do exciting stuff like miracles or healings. But in this verse the simple fact of being able to endure through difficult life situations with joy and thanksgiving comes as strength from the Spirit.  It’s nothing outwardly amazing, nothing that would make news headlines, but in today’s world it is rather rare to find people who have joy. 

When we have a firm attachment to God – trusting His timing and wisdom – disillusionment, abandonment and other desolate feelings are eased. 

As Brennan Manning has written,

Define yourself radically as one beloved by God.

This is the true self.

Every other identity is illusion.

If we try to rely only on our own strength we cannot thrive, just like the frog trying to live only on land or only in water.  As human amphibians we need our physical strength undergirded with supernatural strength reigning in our body to endure – not just hang on – but to endure with joy and thanksgiving. 

When many of Jesus’ disciples were turning away from Him because of difficulty, He asked 12 of his closest disciples,

Are you also going to leave?

 Peter replied,

But Lord, where will we go?  No one but You gives us the revelation of eternal life.

Continue to endure with joy by God’s supernatural strength.

Love, Mom

The Author of My Story

August 18, 2022 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

In J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, Sam and Frodo have experienced many adventures far away from their comfortable hobbit holes, both wonders and dangers.  They’ve fought a battle on Weathertop, seen the beauty of Rivendell, the dark mines of Moria and now they are standing in the shadow of Mordor.  It is then when Sam asks a question,

I wonder what sort of tale we’ve fallen into?

He assumes there is a story.  Something larger has been going on before they ever arrived and they have somehow tumbled into it.  Sam and Frodo know they aren’t the authors of their story, because there has been a lineage of people who have gone before them, and they are honored, yet a little fearful to be playing their unique roles in this same story. 

It may be a benefit for us all if we were to ask that very question of ourselves,

What sort of tale have I fallen into?

If we don’t know our purpose – the reason we are living on this earth – if we think we’re an accident, then we flounder our way through life.  As Neil Postman said about the scientific view to which many people hold:

In the end, science does not supply the answers most of us require.

Its story of our origins and our end is, to say the least, unsatisfactory.

To the question `How did it all begin?’, science answers,

`Probably by an accident.’  To the question, `How will it all end?’

Science answers, `Probably by an accident.’  And to many people,

The accidental life is not worth living.  (Science and the Story we Need)

If we think our life is an accident, we may conclude that we are the author of our own story.  Yet a simple fact remains: we have no control over tomorrow, today, or even this moment.  Trying to become our own author brings more stress and anxiety than any human is capable of bearing.  Trying to figure out why everything happens in a day, plus worrying about tomorrow puts us in a never-ending Ring around the rosy chase in our mind.  Ashes, Ashes, we all fall down…

When we look at the thousands of years in which billions of people have lived on this earth, chances are nil that our small story will be one that becomes a subject for a famous biography.  In fact, do you even know the name of your great-great-grandmother- much less anything about her?  I think I learned the name of mine once, but I know nothing about her life.

When we know the Author of our story, and the simple fact that there is a larger story into which we have been born, we find that we do have a purpose.  We exist because Jesus dreamt us up.  When God, the Author of our story, created people, He made us in His image. Because we can be certain of the fact that our birth wasn’t an accident, we can freely move forward and seek out what our purpose is – by simply asking the Author of the Grand Story.

Remember – the battle right now is for the narrative; who gets to frame the story for you?  Either it will be God, or someone else.

John Eldredge

If we allow our society to frame our story, we are expected to figure out many questions on our own:

Who am I?

Why am I here?

What is my purpose?

Where am I going?

Was I born into the wrong body?

Am I just an accident?

But if you allow God to frame your story, He assures you that He created your inmost being, He knit you together in your mother’s womb.  Body, soul, and spirit, you are marvelously made and have been sculpted from a precious embryo into a person of value.  He loves you and has a purpose for your life if you choose to submit to Him.  You are not an accident, and if invited He will show you your part in His Story.

Unfortunately, many children and teenagers today are being taught in school and on social media that they are not part of a bigger story, therefore they are required to create a story of their own – from ground zero. When a child has nothing absolute in their life, confusion reigns in every area of their life. 

John Eldredge writes about students entering college,

Eighteen is the new twelve. Our students are emotionally underdeveloped,

they are much less resilient than any we’ve ever encountered,

and I’m not entirely sure why.

I’m guessing part of the reason is because students are often left to themselves, trying to figure out and write their own story and decide what their role is in life.  That’s an overwhelming responsibility for an adult, much more for children and teens. 

I have a friend, Emily, who worked as a news producer for WWTV-TV in Cadillac, Michigan, for 3 years and is now working for CRU- a caring community passionate about connecting people to Jesus Christ.  Emily used to photograph and report on world and local news.  Still a reporter, she says now,

I am a missionary with a camera,

 and I get to tell stories that glorify God…all over the world

Knowing that Jesus is the Author of your story will bring peace and assurance, take lots of pressure off your mind, and you may even find joy in the process.

Charity Gayle, one of my current favorite singers has an amazing song, New Name Written Down In Glory, with a line that goes,

I’ve met the Author of my story, and He’s mine…

I am who I am because the I AM tells me who I am.

Enjoy!

Love, Mom

Sagebrush and Sunflowers

August 10, 2022 / / 4 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When Dad and I were in Idaho, we drove out to the Camas Prairie, a wilderness where there are lots more cattle than people.  There’s probably a lot more acreage than the number of residents as well.  We decided to take a shortcut to our destination, which happened to be on a dusty dirt road – of which there are many in Idaho. 

We drove for miles and miles seeing mostly sagebrush, unadorned mountains and rocks.  It’s a lovely desolate drive and quite diverse from the valley where we used to live, so we drove bumpity-bump along a slightly graveled road, enjoying the bare dry desert.

Suddenly we came upon the prettiest little sunflowers lining that dry simple road.  I was shocked and amazed, wondering how there was enough moisture for them to grow in this parched, deserted country.  Seeing these flowers in the midst of an otherwise barren land was such a delight and brought a smile to my face as I wondered how the seeds ever received enough water to flourish on the sides of the road, bringing beauty and color to the Camas Prairie.

As we continued to travel, the sagebrush, dirt and rocks reminded me of the culture we are now living in daily.  It has become a culture of outrage, a culture of desolation, everyone wanting their opinion to be heard, harsh answers, brutal judgments of others – a cancel culture.  Sadly, many believe

If you don’t agree with me, I will cancel you as a person, I will cut you out of my life and count you as non-human with no value whatsoever.

Once we start thinking of people in this manner, we are basically throwing rocks and dirt at each other.  It’s unpleasant, ugly, dangerous and divisive.  Whenever a person is labeled only as part of an ethnic people group, a religious ideology or a certain political leaning, we have certifiably canceled them as a human being. 

Every society creates dividing lines among people groups, categorizing them into hierarchies of importance according to the powers that be. We have all created caste systems in our own minds which are often acted out toward those we deem worthy or not worthy of our acceptance.

Jesus had 12 disciples and there was an incredible diversity within those men.  Four were blue collar workers (fishermen), one was a tax collector working for the Roman government (think IRS), another was a Zealot – usually from a political party desiring to get out from under the brutal Roman rule.  Diverse, yet learning to become united under Jesus, they grew in unity.  Yes they had their disagreements, some thinking they were better than the others – they were typical humans.  But Jesus taught them how to love each other and those who were not like them in belief or ethnicity – the weak, the sick, the blind, the sex-workers and the forgotten.  Anyone who was human and came near Jesus was treated with dignity.

In his book, A Gentle Answer, Scott Sauls reminds us that Jesus loved us at our worst and if we are followers of Jesus, we are commanded to love others at their worst.  He says,

Jesus has been gentle toward us, so we have good reason to become gentle toward others, including those who treat us like enemies.  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of Your Father who is in heaven.” Matt. 5:43-45.  Because Jesus has covered all of our offenses, we can be among the least offensive and the least offended people in the world.  This is the way of the gentle answer.

Having a gentle answer has nothing to do with being weak.  Weakness is often shown in destruction and harm to other people’s bodies and physical property.  Weakness is using intimidation and wrath, harming others with words, belittling someone who disagrees with you. Anyone can let anger overtake their emotions and act out in violence, destroying with rage anything in their path.  It’s easy to criticize and tear down.

Speaking a gentle answer, especially toward those you disagree with, takes an incredible amount of restraint, a strength that requires the deepest and most courageous kind of faith.  A faith that ultimately believes in the justice of God, that He will work good out of evil – but in His time, not ours.

Seeing those delicate beautiful sunflowers among all the dry and brittle sage brush is a reminder of what kind words and a gentle answer look like in our culture of shouting opinions and judgments on others.  We have no power to change anyone’s opinion or ideology, especially not by belittling and mocking but we do have power to change ourselves and give a respectful and kind response to whatever words come our way.

Lord, give us strength to give a gentle answer and become sunflowers in a desert wasteland.

Love, Mom

What is a Woman?

July 21, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Some of the most profound questions in the world are the simplest. 

What is a woman?

 It’s a short question Matt Walsh asked numerous people around the world.  Interestingly, many men and women were unable to answer that simple question.  Some people (especially the highly educated) became evasive and remarked that there is not a simple distinction.  A college professor of gender studies stated that you are what you feel, regardless of what biological sex you were born with.

Our culture has been inundated with the idea that your feelings play the most important role in your life.  Some of our society has come to believe that you are what you feel.  Science and reality are tossed to the wind in exchange for feelings and opinions.  Feelings are king, supreme, they are everything – and now have become the confusing and dangerous idea that your sex is not necessarily the body you are born into, but whatever you feel like during a given day.  

When babies are born, they are obviously male or female. According to science, sex is assigned not at birth, but at conception.  Every single cell in the human body has the DNA of either male or female.  There is a biological difference between women and men.  And if we can’t agree that this foundational truth is a reality, then how can we protect our girls and women?

Today, the word gender has become how a person perceives themselves.  If you have a male body but feel like a female, you are able to become a female – which has been named transgender according to many college professors.  Which inversely means if you were born with female genitalia but feel like you are a male – there are hormones and surgeries to make it appear you are a male.

You may have heard about Lia Thomas, a man on the Penn State swim team, who was 65th in his class as he competed against other biological men during 2018 and 2019.  In 2019 he began transitioning to a woman and joined the women’s swim team.  In 2021 he started competing against women, winning 1st in the 500-meter women’s freestyle. In 2022 he won the NCAA Division 1 title in the same race.  Recently he has been nominated as “NCAA Woman of the Year.”

When interviewed recently, he stated that he is now “happy” being a woman, when in the past he was depressed and confused.  So, does this mean that many women are supposed to be willing to give up their right to win in women’s sports because it makes a transwoman “happy” to win the medals and accolades which should have been theirs?  Some women will speak up but only to be shut down by those who have more power and volume.

My heart goes out to all those biological females competing against Lia Thomas, because the training they have gone through doesn’t mean anything when a biological male can come in with 2 years of hormone therapy at the age of 22 and win first place easily.  

Some may accuse me of being transphobic or anti-trans, but it is simple science which naturally gives an advantage to a man going through puberty who then chooses to transition to a woman.  For so many years women have fought for equal rights – in voting, becoming doctors, going to college, and choosing many occupations that have in the past been occupied only by men.  But now they are being shut out of their own sports.

Women’s sports are mocked when trans women are invited to compete with biological women. There is absolutely no way a biological male who feels as if he is a female can compete honestly on an equal playing field with biological women.   

By the way, the simple definition of a woman is:

A woman is an adult human female.

As Mr. Rogers said many decades ago,

Life is deep and simple, but our society has made it shallow and complicated.

Love, Mom

Where Are You?

July 12, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week our family went up north to spend a few days together at an Airbnb cottage on a lake.  As we drove there, the road took some turns and zig zags as many country roads do.  Being the directionally impaired woman that I am, I wasn’t really paying attention to anything but giving Dad the directions given to me by Maps, so we could find the cottage. But the next morning when I woke up and looked at the sun, it seemed to be rising in the West. 

As soon as I saw that the sun was not agreeing with my inner compass, I tried reorienting myself to this revelation.  Yet, try as I might, I spent the next 5 days feeling as if the earth was spinning in the opposite direction. 

I’m not sure you have ever felt this way about directions, but there are certain places where my feelings about which direction I am facing is 180 degrees off from reality. 

I realize some people are always 100% accurate and yet there are others who think whichever direction they are facing is north to them.  (I actually had a friend like that on a short road trip, so I volunteered to drive.)

The first recorded question God ever asked was spoken to Adam and Eve,

“Where are you?”

 The question was asked in the garden, and sometime after the first humans were created.  Apparently, every evening, God would talk and walk with Adam and Eve, enjoying the beautiful garden and all the animals and other fascinating creatures inhabiting the garden. 

But one day satan, disguised as a beautiful snake, tempted Eve to think God was holding out on them because there was one tree in the garden of thousands that God said was off-limits for them.  Yes, even though there were more than enough other trees from which to eat, satan questioned the goodness of God.  The couple had never been ashamed of being naked with each other but now for the first time they hid because they felt shameful fear. Shame causes us to hide – behind trees or any other thing we can find in the world. 

It is curious to me what God did not say. He did not come in roaring mad because they disobeyed Him. He didn’t call them idiots for what they did. It was into this situation that God simply asked the question

“Where are you?”

God was not asking for their latitude and longitude coordinates, he was not asking behind which tree they were hiding – physical location was not His point.  He wanted to know why they were hiding from Him.  In the past, they had always been eager to visit with Him.  God wanted to know where they were in relation to Him. 

God created us because He desires to bring us joy, the fullness of joy.  But when we hide from Him, He will not barge in and demand we talk to Him.  He’s too much of a gentleman for that.  He waits until we are ready to talk, to reach out to Him.  More than anything, He desires an honest relationship with us, because He knows we will never have life abundant without Him. 

“Though the mountains be shaken

And the hills be removed,

Yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken,

Nor my covenant of peace be removed,”

says the Lord who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10

Ann Voskamp takes the question “Where are you?” in her book, waymaker, and paraphrases it like this:

Where are you, when it was once all about you and Me

And now it’s all about you and that damned lying snake? 

Woe is Me, where have you gone?

I just want you here with Me. 

Knowing that our heavenly Father loves us is enough to bring stability to our identity, attachment to the greatest person in the universe, and peace beyond measure. 

Knowing our location – our GPS coordinates – is important and helpful, especially when trying to find an Airbnb, but there’s something more important.  And that is where are you in relation to your Creator, the lover of your soul.

“Where are you?”

 is a good question Jesus asks of us every day, and unless we keep locating our soul near Him, we’ll keep losing our way.

Love, Mom

When Angels Fight

June 20, 2022 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I was browsing through our local bookstore awhile back and came upon a new book by a Grand Rapids author.  Being the book lover that I am, I bought it and started on it that night. 

When Angels Fight is an autobiography about a woman born and raised in Grand Rapids, Michigan, about 7 miles from our house, Leslie F. King.  When she was 15 years old, after living a life of abuse as a child, she was befriended by a man – C – who saw her walking outside and crying.  He pulled up in his car and took her to dinner, bought her clothes and listened to the sad story of her home life.  He told her he loved her and she should be treated much better than she had been.  He said she was beautiful, and brought her around to his other friends, introducing her as his girlfriend.  Slowly, she gave him her trust as he continued to treat her like a queen – until one night he didn’t. 

She woke up after being drugged, as another man was using her body any way he liked.  From that night on Leslie became the property of C and he became her pimp.  At only 15 years old she was trapped into a life of sex trafficking.

The Stroll, conveniently close to the house that I now lived,

was where women were prostituted every day and every night,

where police occasionally patrolled, where men came to pay for sex.

Leslie was the youngest woman in The Stable and quickly learned there were quotas to meet every night, and if the quotas weren’t met there were beatings or some other punishment.  She was given the street name Candy and learned to survive unthinkable and unspeakable horrors.  She took valium and alcohol simply to survive her day-to-day life out on The Stroll (Division Avenue in Grand Rapids).

When her family found out where she was and what she was doing they tried to bring her back home, but she would run – always run.  In and out of jail, back on the street, learning her trade so well that she became proud of how much money she could make in a night – always trying to become the pimp’s favorite and become worthy of his love.  But it never happened, she was no different than the other women in The Stable.  She was used, abused and ultimately just survived as a human being.

Years of life on the streets eventually took their toll.  Increasingly she became hopeless and some nights were simply unbearable.  She had lived her life at animal level for so many years, confusing abuse with love and was beginning to lose hope of going forward.  Sometimes, when she would cry out to God – in anger, distrust and frustration – miraculously there was someone to pick her up when she was laying on the side of a road where a john had disposed of her, leaving her for dead.

Working her trade not only in Grand Rapids, but around the country – at Super Bowls, NCAA Final Four, Kentucky Derby, Rose Bowl and any other national event –  there was always payment for the pimps and their girls, especially where there’s big money and booze.

In all those cities, at all those events, whether I traveled with my pimp or on my own,

I knew one thing: I would never, ever not make money because johns are everywhere.

And then, when Leslie was 35 her life hit bottom, she swallowed enough pills, drank enough alcohol and smoked enough crack with a plan to die, yet again cried out to God.  Through a long string of miraculous events, she called her mom to pick her up, checked herself into rehab and slowly but surely became sober.  God’s angels won over the devil’s. 

That was 22 years ago, and since then Leslie started Sacred Beginnings Women’s Transitional Program, which has served over 3,500 women in several Grand Rapids locations.  Some women come and relapse, others stay clean and go to college, get married, build a career.  Some have died.  The pictures of these women adorn a wall of the home office of Sacred Beginnings downtown Grand Rapids.  One side of the room is filled with pillows of all shapes, colors and designs, available for women to hold onto and cry into when they finally decide they want out of the life.

The hearts of the workers we met a few weeks ago are filled with love, often times tough love, yet they never give up hope.  A few nights a week, Leslie and others walk the same streets where they used to work, letting the girls know someone cares, that there is a safe place for them to land.

When angels fight, God’s angels always win.

Love, Mom

waymaker

June 1, 2022 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Once again, Ann Voskamp has written a book with such honesty, wisdom and vulnerability that I am in awe. In Waymaker, she begins by describing something similar to GPS (Global Positioning System) that all of us use every day of our lives. 

Especially since we moved to Michigan 18 months ago, I have used my Maps app everywhere I went. I needed GPS to get me there, otherwise I would be lost in the haze of all the freeways (called expressways in MI) on ramps, off ramps and winding roads built to navigate around the beautiful Grand River which seems to turn up everywhere I go.

Anyway, Ann has penned what she calls the EPS (Expectational Positioning System).  This is a term she uses when we become disappointed by our place in life.  Maybe we were expecting our life to look different than it does – we expected our marriage, our physical body, our family and even how we would be loved to be different – and we are disappointed. We expected much better, that our children would always agree with our ideas and opinions, that our husbands would understand and love us even when we were rude and crabby…   But as we have all learned, expectations can kill relationships.

When we have expectations for friendships, marriage or business partners, we will inevitably be disappointed.  We are all flawed, selfish, subject to our own weaknesses and hurts, therefore our relationships will suffer when we expect what others cannot give.  We have no idea what our acquaintances, friends or even spouses are struggling with – unnamed but nevertheless real hurts – so how can we not become disappointed? 

In her simplicity, Ann says,

It’s when we expect life to be easy that it becomes hard.

We were never promised life would be easy and carefree.  No one is happy all the time, free of worry or pain; we all have something in our bodies and minds that is suffering – not functioning just right.  But it’s what we do with the suffering when it comes – and sometimes stays longer than we would like. 

Suffering doesn’t mean you are cursed, suffering means you are human.

Ann shares several vulnerable stories from her own life and how her expectations have been shattered numerous times, the disappointment often leading to depression and anxiety.  One of her counselors gave her this nugget of information:

Research has discovered some of the keys of happiness:

We are happiest when we are standing before some natural wonder such as the Grand Canyon.  We are the happiest when we are in a deeply creative zone, what they call the flow.

You’re in the zone of happiness – only when you leave the zone of self.

It’s wildly counterintuitive, and even counter cultural, but true.  It’s only when we believe we are truly loved by Jesus (a supernatural wonder) and fix our eyes on Him that we are able to give ourselves to another in trust.  When we know that our Creator

Celebrates and sings because of you,

And He will refresh your life with His love,

Zephaniah 3:17

when we are confident in His love and care, then we don’t need to expect so much from the people around us.  When we know our value and worth – that we are the beloved of Jesus – we can rest and be secure in whatever comes our way.  Even when people harm us with words – intentionally or not – we can move on and not be crushed because we know our fundamental worth has not been diminished.

 

Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.

I’ve called your name.  You are mine.

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you

When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.

Isaiah 43:1-2

When we are consumed by thoughts of ourselves – wondering if we are pretty enough, smart enough, or desired enough by others, then we have lost the capacity to give ourselves freely to anyone.  Ann encourages us to look to the Waymaker – our Creator – and rest in His love.

When she is fretting and anxious, her husband Darryl, whispers to her and asks,

What is the worst thing that can happen, Ann?

After decades of walking with Jesus by her side through all the waves of a lifetime, she now knows beyond the shadow of a doubt,

…you can be about bankrupted, shamed, walked out on, labeled, ghosted, slandered, diagnosed, abandoned, cut-off, humiliated, guilty, fired, vilified, charged, destroyed,

ruined, devastated, grieved, wrecked and left for dead in a million ways,

 and this is the ocean floor, this is at its base:

when you are fully known and fully loved, nothing can still scare you.

I am known and begin to know how to say it out loud:

The worst-case scenario is that all the very worst things happen, and I am still loved.

If we choose to live with the EPS – expecting life will be hard – we will have the freedom to love without fear, resting safe and secure in Our Father’s love.

Love, Mom

Windmills and Bogs

May 16, 2022 / / 4 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Here in Michigan, we have just finished up the annual Tulip Time Festival in Holland.  Every year there are about six million tulips just waiting to be adored by the thousands of spectators from around the world. 

Everything Dutch is on display, tulip bulbs for sale, stroopwafels, banket, cheese, Dutch dancing and street washing, wooden shoes and windmills.

But one amazing fact about the Dutch that I didn’t know about is the reason why they have been building windmills and dikes for centuries. 

Have you ever built a barrier in order to protect your sandcastle from high tide when you are enjoying the beach?  That’s basically what the Dutch have learned to do in order to grow their country. 

There is an old proverb that states:

God created the world, but the Dutch created the Netherlands.

In all practicality, The Netherlands as it is today, should not even exist. A full 26% of The Netherlands is below sea level – which means when the storms come the land is often drowned with water.  Just as Hurricane Katrina brought devastation to New Orleans and vicinity during 2005, The Netherlands have historically been flooded enough that the Dutch knew they needed to do something about it if they wanted more farm land and living space.  

Around the year 1100, West-Friesland (a province of The Netherlands) built an enclosure dike.  At the same time, the Frisians established a “dike peace” or strongly enforced consensus that whenever a dike was endangered, family feuds must cease so that all available manpower could be mobilized to reinforce the dikes.  (I think calling for family feuds to cease is a brilliant idea for anyone who wants to get some work done for the common good.)  For centuries the water had been continually flowing over the boundaries, so the dikes created boundaries that couldn’t be breached. 

In the year 1282, a Dutch carpenter built the first water pumping windmill in order to keep the water away from the land.  Three hundred years later, a windmill with a rotatable top was invented so that which ever direction the wind was coming from – which in NW Europe could come in any direction – the windmill could continue to do its important work. 

The Dutch have reclaimed – and redeemed – more land than any country in the world, utilizing its dikes, electric pumps and windmills.  Reclaiming marshland for agriculture has added 640 square miles to the little country of The Netherlands just in the 20th century, so they are able to bring in a much more abundant and fruitful harvest.

As I was reading about the windmills, dikes, and other interesting facts about the Netherlands I was considering how my life – and maybe yours – was at one time feeling as if I were under water, stuck in a bog.  And just as the Dutch redeemed the land from the sea, so Jesus has redeemed our lives from the bogs, and together He and I have built dikes (boundaries) around my mind, transforming us into new creations in Christ.

Stand tall,

Put the winds of life to work draining the bogs,

And the result will be a vibrant crop,

An abundant harvest!

Windmill

There was a time in my life when my body was always fatigued, I felt such a heaviness – which was partly physical and somewhat to do with the bitterness and unforgiveness against people in my life who had caused me pain.  But as the winds of hardship, disappointment with God and yet sitting with Him and believing His promises of a life abundant, He has brought me a harvest of love, joy, peace, patience and all the other beautiful fruit of the Spirit. 

 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world,

but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.

Then you will learn to know God’s will for you,

 which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Romans 12:2

Jesus is always pursuing you, always reaching out to you, never leaving or forsaking you – even if you give Him push back because He’s not doing what you expect Him to do.  Expectations are always killers because they are bound to disappoint.  Instead of telling God what you expect from Him, give thanks simply because He has redeemed you from the bog, He loves you and desires your companionship.  Give thanks because He has a good plan for your life and is just waiting for you to seek Him for that plan. 

Love, Mom

Cloudy Sunsets

April 26, 2022 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Tonight we had a boring sunset.  Every night I peer out the window to see the palette of the evening.  Sometimes it’s simply blue and grey, other times there are combinations of orange, yellow, blue, maroon, red, purple, orange and countless other colors of the rainbow.  But tonight it was just hues of the blue sky, rather dull colors when contrasted with the other flaming, glorious, golden and sometimes stormy sunsets of previous evenings. 

That got me thinking about what makes a gorgeous sunset.  The more clouds – the positioning, depth, and different layering of clouds, the mere timing and strategically placed clouds – the more beautiful sunset.  The less clouds, the more boring. 

When Grandpa and I used to sit out in the garage he gave me brief lessons in the basic cloud forms.  The cirrus clouds deliver a thin web-like texture, the cumulus give a bit more depth and color, whereas the stratus is the most foreboding of all.  Yet, when all three are combined in different parts of the sky, the results can be stunning when the sun shines through them.

That got me thinking about what makes our lives beautiful.  If I equate clouds with trials, hardships – all those things we try to run away from in life – then the more and various clouds equal the more beauty.  Now I know that’s definitely not what you wanted to hear today.  Nobody I know is asking for difficulties to come so they can become more beautiful, but we all know that hard times do have a way of finding their way into our lives. 

When you girls were younger, I think we owned every Calvin and Hobbes book available. One of the saddest days of my early life was when I heard that Bill Watterson was retiring from writing the comic strip.  Bill believed his most creative years were finished and he didn’t want to decline into mediocrity.  I disagreed 100%.  I loved the humor, sarcasm and insight of Watterson shown through the characters of Calvin, Hobbes and their family. 

When Calvin was complaining of chores, you may remember one thing Calvin’s father replied now and then – was that the chore was building character in Calvin, which would always bring a grimace to his face.

Of course, what Calvin’s dad said is true.  Hard stuff in life does lead to the refining and building of our character.  Troubles that bring us to our knees help to ground off the rough edges of our personality, and if we allow it, trials cause us to become more patient, kind and caring.  *

I remember being decades younger and not having a lot of tolerance for other people’s weaknesses, grief or pain.  But after I experienced betrayal and deaths of those I love, I remember feeling a broken heart – for the first time in my life.  I had heard other people talk about having broken hearts, but when I experienced it myself, I grew in compassion for others’ grief. 

I used to be afraid to talk to those who had lost a loved one to death or suffered a betrayal of a close friend, but now I belonged to the same club as they. I learned to talk about those emotions of grief, depression and anger because my other choice was to stuff them down and let them consume me from the inside out.

There’s a part of us that wants to hide our difficulties from others, pretending that all is well in our lives.  But when we become vulnerable and honest, allowing Jesus to come and walk with us, He will shine through those trials. He has a tendency to make the ugly beautiful. 

Recently I read a story illustrating this principle:

The Cloak

One night a heartbroken friend had a dream that she was standing in front of Jesus. He handed her a cloak. As she looked at the cloak, she realized it was alive. She could see that its threads were strands of specific events from her life, some bright and beautiful, others wormy and grotesque. She looked at the ugly strands–abuse, betrayal, divorce, illness, grief–each reminding her of seasons of excruciating pain. Just as she tried to pull out the threads, she glanced at Jesus. He took the cloak, wrapped her in it, and looked at her with an expression of deep pleasure and delight, as if the cloak were the most beautiful tapestry ever woven. At that moment she realized that if she attempted to pluck out the ugly bits, the entire garment would unravel.

We have all suffered innumerable hurts, heartaches and devastating events, for no one is immune if we live on this planet. At times we may feel like we live in a never-ending dark tunnel.  We have a choice, however – a choice to allow Jesus to fight for us against the hard stuff or succumb to their power and live in fear and despair.

It’s often tempting to curse the clouds when they cover the sun.  I find myself thinking thoughts like:

This was not in my plans.

Why me?

I don’t deserve this.

I feel like God doesn’t even care, He’s just abandoned and forgotten me.

This happens to others, not to me…

Yet, one thing we know for sure is that Jesus is walking with us in the trouble, deep in the clouds, through every storm.  Trust Him with your darkness.

Hope reminds us that our best days are ahead, not behind us. 

Surrender tomorrow to God – He’s already been there.

 Caleb Kaltenbach

Love, Mom

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