Category: Musings from Sacred Influence (Page 1 of 2)

Jesus, Friend of Women

February 14, 2023 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I have been enjoying The Chosen and have watched with interest how Jesus responds to women. I have read these stories in the Bible for years, but to actually see it on the screen has been so beautiful and affirming.

Jesus is introduced in the very first episode when He enters a neighborhood pub and finds Mary Magdalene at the bar, drunk. She is the one who the Bible mentions as having seven demons. He calls her by name – the name no one else knew – as she was running away, his words spoken so tenderly.

When a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years touched His garment as a mass of people were crowding around Him, Jesus turned and asked Who touched me? When the woman came trembling at His feet, he gently called her daughter and spoke highly of her faith which had healed her.

I’m not sure why it is so different and more powerful to watch scenes in live action on a movie screen as opposed to reading the stories in my Bible. I know some people are able to read a story and immerse themselves as one of the characters – imagining what it must have been like to walk on a hot dusty road near Jerusalem in the year 30 A.D. I am not able (or maybe have not been patient enough to imagine a scene) to visualize very well what it must have been like.

Later there is the little 12-year-old daughter of Jairus, a leader in the synagogue. Jairus had asked Jesus to heal his dying daughter, but on the way was interrupted by the woman suffering from 12 years of hemorrhaging. So, by the time Jesus arrived at Jairus’ house, his daughter was dead. Yet, Jesus tenderly took her hand and brought her back to life.

In a culture where women were considered to be property, and could not even give testimony in court – Jesus raised them to a beautifully high status, unheard of for women in the first century.

Remember the Samaritan woman at the well? When Jesus asked her to go back and bring her husband, she told him she didn’t have a husband. Jesus simply agreed, replying

You are speaking the truth, you have had 5 husbands

and are now living with a man who is not your husband.

No condemnation, merely true facts. This Samaritan woman – who any decent Jewish man would simply dismiss as untouchable – was treated with care and concern. And it was to her, a woman, to whom Jesus first told in plain words that He was the Messiah.

Jesus gave women rights before women’s rights were even a thought. He gave them a right to express their emotions, kneel before Him and learn from Him, as only Jewish men had in the past been allowed to do.

And then the most remarkable happening of all: After Jesus was raised from the dead, the first person who saw Him was Mary Magdalene – the woman who was previous a demoniac. It was she who was told to quickly go and tell the other disciples – the first woman preacher!

If you have ever doubted you are valued and loved by Jesus, please know that is a lie. His love is always available and free for the taking, it hasn’t changed a single iota since He lived on earth thousands of years ago.

There are many other stories about Jesus’ high opinion of women, and they are all surprisingly different to what we might imagine. Jesus was a man offering healing, acceptance, peace and love to all who sought after Him. He loved them, but would not leave them in their sin. He called them up higher.

Love, Mom

Jesus Cherishes Women

November 15, 2019 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Once I got over the surprising revelation that I can change nobody but myself, I read on to the next chapter of Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas. Changing me was such a new concept and different to my way of thinking that it took (and still is taking) time and prayer to change that mindset. All these years of thinking I could control and change other people seems so silly now that I know the truth, but for years I believed the lie that it was possible for me to produce results.

Thomas starts this chapter by saying husbands like to brag about their wives. They may not say it to you, but they notice your strengths and are eager to tell others about your business acumen, social skills, intelligence, athletic ability, culinary talents – whatever it is you do well. But far more important than any of these skills is your spiritual core. What do you really believe about yourself? Do you know – truly know and believe in the depths of your being – that God loves you? The answer to that question is what will give you strength to be the godly change agent in your marriage.

Did you know that the Bible speaks very highly of women? In Genesis, right from the beginning of time, God created male and female so together we could mirror the image of God. Either gender alone is unable to adequately represent His character and image. God didn’t simply tell women to cheer for the men, we are together given the mandate to rule, subdue, and manage this earth, which is a radical statement for any century and any culture in our world.

The next section in the chapter– Jesus, Friend of Women – was fascinating. In Matthew chapter 1, the genealogy of Jesus includes women:

Rahab the prostitute

Ruth the Moabite

Bathsheba (with whom King David committed adultery)

Mary the mother of Jesus

Thousands of years ago when the Bible was written, it was typically only men who were named in genealogies. So, the amazing thing is not only did God include women in this genealogy but several of those women had less than stellar backgrounds.

Rahab was obviously a prostitute, King David committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her husband killed, and yet Jesus had the humility to be identified with women in his family tree whose stories were spotted with sin. I used to think it was crazy to include stories of people who were so flawed in the Bible, but that’s when God does His best work – with those who know they are broken.

In our culture we are taught it is necessary to tear down men to lift women up, but it is remarkable to realize how often the disciples who surrounded Jesus just didn’t understand Him while the women did. Wherever He went He affirmed women when others disdained them. One time, Jesus was having dinner with a religious professional when a prostitute walked in and washed Jesus’ feet with her tears, drying them with her hair. The religious guy was appalled, but Jesus chided the man and praised the woman because she understood who Jesus was – the Savior of the world.

Another time a woman poured costly perfume over Jesus’ head and the disciples grumbled, saying it was a waste of money, but Jesus said,

Leave her alone, she has done a beautiful thing to me.

Then again when Jesus was hanging on the cross, only one out of the twelve male disciples came to watch, but many women dared to come and be with Jesus during His last suffering moments.

Perhaps the most incredible example of all is after He died and rose again. Who were the first to talk to the angels at the grave, and then later meet Jesus face to face? Women. The first woman was Mary Magdalene, from whom Jesus had cast out seven demons. In those days a woman’s testimony could not be heard in courts of law, only men’s testimonies were considered valid, but Jesus chose women to be the first to see him so they could go and tell the men, who didn’t believe them. Jesus, after he had risen, appeared to those 11 disciples and reproached them for their unbelief and hardness of heart.

With all this said, Gary Thomas writes about the importance to know and believe that we – every one of us – are valued and dearly loved by God himself. Then…if we truly believe God deeply loves and respects us, then we can love and respect ourselves.

For my entire life I have sung

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…

but I think I never really believed it until recently. Certainly I knew that God made me and the world and all the people and creation, but I just thought I had to figure out this love and marriage thing on my own. Looking back, I never realized how cherished I am to God. I never really trusted Him in caring for Dad and all of you. I thought I had to be the one who did all the molding and shaping (controlling). It is quite freeing to rest in the fact that I am loved by God and my only job is to love and pray for those around me, not try to change them. I also never realized how radical the Bible is in its treatment of women. It’s our culture that has it wrong; God sees men and women as equal in value.

I pray that you will grow to know more and more that He cares intimately about every detail of your life, and that He can be trusted ~ even in your marriage.

I love I Corinthians 7:17-18

And don’t be wishing you were someplace else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Love,

Mom

Men and Metal

December 17, 2014 / Shari Baar / 1 Comment

Dear Daughters,

Have you noticed that many guys have a love relationship with their trucks or cars? Men are often attached to the metal in their lives that is dependable and comfortable. Michael Gurian, who has studied extensively about the brain differences between boys and girls describes the brain biology behind this love of vehicles. “There is a biological tendency for men to seek a set of care objects that allow for brain rest and the pleasure of independent relationship without the stimulation of emotional conversation. A car is, not surprisingly, an object of choice for many men.”

Gary Thomas tells how he bonded with his work truck one summer – it was dependable, comfortable and gave him brain rest. “A car takes me where I want to go without asking me how I’m feeling. A car lets me yell at other drivers without saying ‘why are you so upset?’ My car is absolutely clear about its needs. I know if the gas tank is full, half empty, or almost completely empty. My car would never respond to my inquiry about how much gas remained in its tank with the words ‘You should know without me having to tell you.’” In short, a car lets a man’s brain rest.

We too need to let our husbands rest. He will not always want to talk when you do You will need to be patient and wait for your husband to give more of himself to you. A good healthy marriage happens by degrees. That’s why God created marriage to last a lifetime.

This man of yours is complex – he probably hardly knows himself – and it will take years to find the mystery, the beauty, the delight of who he is, not who you want him to be. If you are patient, if you resist the urge to try to force him into intimacy things will go much better for you in the long run. Let him have times of silence, some times of being alone.

I continue to revel in the fact that God deliberately created male and female radically different and it causes me to stand in amazement of His good plan. I think He must delight in those who continue to seek to be faithful and understand even in the midst of misunderstandings and thinking I must have been crazy to have married this guy.

Don’t expect to understand him. The bottom line is that we don’t have to be able to understand our husbands before we can love them. There are some things about them that will never make any sense, and just maybe they’re thinking the same thing about us.

I have learned that when something – anything – annoys me, the real problem is my annoyance. I used to think that I needed to change what bothered me, but I have finally come to realize that the problem is simply that I allow myself to be bugged by something that is not all that important. It’s my attitude that needs changing, not the circumstance. King Solomon once wrote

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding

holds his tongue.

Try to learn to celebrate the mystery of your man. Be a woman of understanding – learn how and when to communicate in such a way that your husband can fully participate and feel loved and accepted in the process.

You know how IRA’s work, right? You don’t deposit a check this year and expect it to double by next year. The value accrues over time, over a very long time. Mature love is like that. In order to have a good marriage you must be patient and willing to wait for love to blossom and grow. You must invest years, decades, waiting on God, waiting on your man, letting God change you. It takes time to move past romance to true love, committed love, but it is worth every bit of effort you are willing to give.

After 33 years of marriage I feel like I am just starting to know who Dad is. Today he gave me the most wonderful card ever – it said

I’m a better man because of you

and it made me cry. I wish I would have known how to be more patient, more willing to give him his space. For many years I expected him to be like me, but after years of learning, reading, and living, I see that I should have been more celebrative of who he was, not always wanting someone who was different than him. I see now the rewards of what years of faithfulness, commitment, forgiving, and praying for my husband has reaped, and I am thankful!

Love, Mom

The Male Mind

December 3, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Not long ago, some people argued that there were no innate differences between boys and girls, it was simply a matter of how they were raised. But the last 10 years of neuroscience has disproved this completely. Well before the baby even comes into the world, the brain of a male baby gets bombarded with up to 20 times more testosterone than a female baby. The female brain has much more oxytocin (the bonding, mothering hormone) than does a male. In other words men’s brains simply do not work like a woman’s, something we need to be aware of in order to communicate effectively with them.

Men’s brains also need to rest more than women’s, with the result that men tend to need mental naps more than women. At the end of the day men don’t want plot, story, or character development, they just want escape (buildings blowing up, cars crashing, tires squealing). On the other hand, women have 15 percent more blood flow in their brains, so they often tend to be able to process complex entertainment.

How I wish I would have known this 30 years ago. I could never understand Dad’s love of all the above escaping devices. I remember thinking “Why can’t he just be more like me?” (as if that would be the answer to all our problems) Gary Thomas says “Stop expecting him to act or think like a woman. He can’t do that.” We can’t expect our husbands to talk with us like our sisters, mother, or other female friends. And if we do, we’ll be terribly disappointed.

Give Him Time. Many neurological studies show that men may take up to seven hours longer than women to process complex emotional data. The reason is that men have a smaller hippocampus in the limbic system of the brain (which processes emotional experiences). Also, the bundle of nerves that connects the left and right portions of the brain – allowing the processing of emotions – is about 25 % smaller in men than in women. So………if you have a disagreement just after breakfast and you take about 15 minutes to understand why you feel so angry, remember that your husband may not get to that point until dinnertime! We usually don’t want to wait that long so we push for getting the emotions and feelings out right away, but we need to give him time.

There is a story about one woman who insisted on talking things out before she and her husband went to sleep. He wanted to have more time to think about what he was going to say, which she refused. Then he infuriated her even more by falling asleep in the middle of the conversation. I guess the bottom line is to remember that men are just not as efficient as woman in processing emotional data, and for us to be patient.

One helpful suggestion is to learn how to bring subjects up without attacking our husbands. Most men are willing to discuss something, given some advance warning, and without feeling like they are being blamed for something they did wrong, which brings us up to the next subject:

Stonewalling Stonewalling describes how men may shut down emotionally and verbally, ignoring you and basically withdrawing from the conversation. Most men don’t immediately like to talk through distressing emotional events (frustrations at work or other relationships) simply because it brings them pain. It can actually bring physical pain for them to talk through hurtful experiences.

Because of the way the female brain works, talking through emotional issues has a calming effect, while the opposite is true for most men. When we understand that a verbal barrage takes more out of your husband than it does out of you, and that it takes longer for him to recover from such an exchange, we may begin to realize that criticizing, complaining, and displaying contempt will not allow us to properly communicate with our man. A good reminder is Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath.

When a husband is constantly criticized, blamed or is treated harshly by a wife, it almost always causes him to shut down. Finally I am beginning to understand why Dad wouldn’t talk to me the way I wanted in our early years. I was not patient, kind or gentle. I wanted him to talk when I wanted to talk, which was usually immediately. Plus I thought my opinions were better than his when it came to emotional stuff, so I wanted him to listen and agree with me. So, naturally he would stonewall – often because of the manner in which I would approach problems.

After all these years I am learning to wait and pray for wisdom about when to bring up certain subjects. It may be days after a situation happened, and the amazing thing is that sometimes I don’t even need to broach certain topics. I find that when I lean on God more and seek His timing, the Holy Spirit does His work so my work is less.

Remember, we are to allow God to change us so that He can be free to do the work that needs to be done in our husbands.

Love, Mom

The Glory of Faithfulness

November 25, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I was having lunch recently with a friend of mine who was seriously contemplating divorce. Sarah said that she had changed a lot since she married and her husband had not, which in her mind gave her permission to divorce. She was not feeling fulfilled in life so was following her heart and leaving him.

Our culture glorifies selfishness and the popular idea to follow our hearts. Books and movies exalt our emotions and encourage us to allow romantic intensity to rule. Families often fall apart because we have lost our respect for responsibility. At the beginning of our romantic relationship, the intensity can enthrall us. In a sense we have become romantic gluttons. When the feelings aren’t there anymore many give up, thinking that if we don’t feel romantic all the time, love is over. Marriage is difficult, but once we choose that commitment, we need to take on the responsibilities that marriage requires.

It would be good for us, says author Gary Thomas, “to recapture the beauty of responsibility and the glory of faithfulness.” Responsible Wives doesn’t sound nearly as exciting as Desperate Housewives but the implication is profound. Sadly, our society sees actresses and supermodels as people to emulate, but their physical beauty often peaks in their twenties, while the beauty of a Godly, responsible woman grows more beautiful with each decade.

I remember when I was in my forties and all of you were in your teens and early twenties, feeling that I was becoming outdated and not needed much anymore. I became insecure because my outward beauty was beginning to fade. Then some tough relational issues came up in our family and I learned that I was needed – to provide encouragement, love, forgiveness and faithfulness. Since then the Lord has shown me that outer beauty is fleeting, and that as mature women our goal should be to grow more beautiful in our spirit. This beauty can only come from the Spirit of God as He teaches us to love. The best ever definition of love is:

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,

Always perseveres.

Love never fails. I Corinthians 13: 4-7

Our greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against us. But their sin never justifies our sin. Jesus tell us to love in the face of evil. I can still remember Grandpa telling me Kill them with kindness. It is a fact that kindness kills strife far more effectively than nagging, complaining, or disrespect. I have known that fact for years, but I am sad to say that I really didn’t start intentionally doing it until about 10 years ago. That’s one of the reasons I’ve starting writing these Musings to you. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I have made in the past. It seems so hard to be kind to someone who isn’t kind to us, but the interesting thing is that God never asks us to do anything that He hasn’t done himself. He forgave us, and showed us great kindness even when we didn’t deserve it. He loved us even when we didn’t love or obey Him, and since we have his Spirit within us we are able to do the same.

I am continually amazed to learn how relevant and practical the Bible is for married people. It’s not a live happily ever after book that pretends no one will ever hurt us. Instead it promises that we will be hurt and wronged, but also gives specific advice to help us respond responsibly. Even if the person who sins against me doesn’t change, I can change. It’s a win-win situation. If we respond out of spite, repaying evil for evil, two things happen – the situation gets worse, and we get bitter and more resentful. But if we repay good for evil, we will grow more responsible, loving, kind and beautiful. The amazing result of following Jesus’ commands is that God can mature you in an unhealthy marriage as well as a healthy marriage.

Gary Thomas has counseled many people, and he says that every divorced person has encouraged him to urge others to spend at least the same amount of time and effort trying to save the marriage as they’ll have to spend coping with the pain, heartache and financial cost of a split.

If we decide to bless our husbands, we will be blessed. Just as IRAs take decades of investing small amounts to produce a good retirement package, so a marriage grows slowly over decades, becoming more beautiful and reaping the benefits of lifelong responsibility and commitment.

If we truly want to influence our husbands, then we need to work hard to become responsible wives. The words “Responsible Wife” may not sound very sexy, and I’m certain that TV producers certainly will not ever film a prime-time TV drama using that phrase, but the concept is important, powerful and life-giving.

Love, Mom

The Helper

November 12, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

God made it quite evident during Creation that He had a purpose in mind when He created Eve – “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Gen. 2:18) This is the reason God created woman – to be a helper to her husband. Some women find this to be demeaning, but if that is the case, does the Bible demean God when it describes Him as our helper? I was surprised to read the following verses describing God: The Lord is your shield and helper (Deut. 33:29) The Lord is with me; he is my helper (Psalm 118:7). As Gary Thomas in Sacred Influence points out, Genesis pictures a man created with an acute vulnerability. He is clearly not self-sufficient; he needs someone to come alongside him. Adam, and every man after him is “made for fellowship, not power; he will not live until he loves, giving himself away to another on his own level.”

So, being our husband’s helper is our high calling. It assumes, in one sense, that we have something that the person we are helping lacks. When we entered into marriage, we agreed to forsake our “me-first,” single-orientated worldview and build a couple. Helping takes on different forms in every marriage, but it always serves the other person’s good.

On a side note, we were created to be our man’s helper – not our children’s mother. Certainly we are to care for and nurture our children, but that love is always supposed to flow out of a lifestyle that is first and foremost committed to helping our husbands. I must say that when Dad and I first started having children, caring for them became my main focus, but it shouldn’t have. Many of our conflicts arose because I did not include dad in the child-rearing part of our marriage. I just thought I could handle it all myself – which oftentimes left dad out in the cold. Thankfully, God gradually turned that around, and I was able to put things in their proper place – which made for a much better marriage and family life.

The next section of the chapter entitled “The Helper” deals with submission, which in today’s world can evoke many negative responses. But in Ephesians, Paul writes that all of us are to “submit to each other out of reverence for Christ.” The wife’s submission to her husband gets placed in the context in which a husband is called to be like Christ – laying down his life for his wife, loving her, serving her, just like Christ loved us enough to die for us.

It is interesting that Jesus submitted to his parents. Here he was, the Creator of the universe, submitting to two human creatures, not because they were somehow more worthy than he, but because this is what his heavenly Father asked of him. So, submission is not determined by the worthiness of the other person, but out of reverence for Christ. We can assume that we will have to watch our husbands fail and make mistakes. And when they do fail, that is when they need our encouragement the most, not our criticisms.

The famous feminist, Laura Doyle, shocked some of her peers in 1999 when she released The Surrendered Wife. In her book, Laura admitted that she was unhappy in her marriage, so she talked to some other men and asked what they wanted in their wives. Then she started putting into practice what these other men had told her. She stopped nagging, cut out the complaints and criticisms, and started letting him lead in important decisions. When she treated him that way, he became a “fabulous” husband. I found the same thing when I first realized that I had been trying to change Dad all those years. When I simply started praying for him, stop the criticisms, and started encouraging, he became a much better husband, and I became a much happier wife. It’s when we give ourselves in sacrificial love that we become more spiritually mature. When we put our husband’s needs before our own, this is truly when we become fulfilled. It’s the opposite of what the world teaches, but then again, isn’t everything in the Bible opposite of what the world teaches?

The last question of the chapter challenges us that if we really want to move our man to become the best he can be, begin every day by praying this prayer: “Lord, how can I help my husband today?”

Love, Mom

Loving a Wounded Man

November 3, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There was once a family pet toy poodle that loved to chase cars. One afternoon she finally caught one and got injured. Her owner ran out to the road to retrieve the dog, and that little poodle became a monster. Frenzied with fear and pain, the dog kept biting her owner as he gathered her into his arms. He had tried to help her, to bring her healing, but the pain so overwhelmed her that she bit the hands that were trying to nurture her.

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence, tells this story because our husbands can be like that. Every man has been wounded in some way – maybe you married a deeply wounded man. Sometimes hurting men bite, and sometimes they bite the very hands that are trying to bring healing. But we need to patiently pray for long-term change – nurturing him instead of resenting and condemning him. We need to think of marriage as a marathon, not as a 100-yard dash. Human beings are complex and it takes time for trust to be earned.

Give your husband the benefit of the doubt.

It’s so easy to stew over our husband’s relational shortcomings – “why won’t he talk to me, why doesn’t he seem to care?” But the fact may be that he is simply incompetent – he just honestly doesn’t know what you need, or what he’s supposed to do.

There is a myth out there that if your husband really loves you, he’ll be able to read your mind and know exactly what to do to please you. But the fact is that we need to be direct in our speaking, in what we need (not just want). Love is a commitment and a choice – not telepathy.

Respect the position even when you disagree with the person.

God calls wives to respect their husbands (Eph. 5:33) It doesn’t say for wives to respect perfect husbands, or even great husbands, it simply says to respect your husband. That’s been a big problem for me. I’ve always thought that my opinion was the best opinion, and if Dad didn’t agree – well, the conversation was over. I think I felt like he was rejecting me as a person when he didn’t agree with me, but I had to learn that he still loved me, he just didn’t agree with every opinion I had. I needed to learn to respect him and his opinion even when it was different than mine.

Give him the same grace that God gives you.

Because Jesus Christ has given us forgiveness and grace, He wants us to give the same to our husbands. It takes great spiritual maturity to offer grace, love, and mercy – giving the same benefits that we ourselves have received from God our Father. Think back and remember how much God has done for you – he’s seen every wicked act you’ve ever committed, heard every bit of gossip you have passed on, noticed every ugly hateful thought you have had – and yet He still loves you. And now comes the hard part – will we give our husbands what God has given us?

Form your heart through prayer.

Practice praying positive prayers for your husband. Find several things that he does really well and start thanking God for them. Prayers of thankfulness literally form our soul. One session of thankfulness is not nearly enough, it has to be done every day – steady and persistent.

Drop unrealistic expectations.

Your husband will not meet all your needs, only your Creator can do that. Ruth Graham (Billy’s wife) said it this way. “I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her what only Jesus Christ can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding…tender and loving, anticipating every need. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain.”

Whew! Lots of good things to do, but the most important of all is

Forming your heart through prayer.

We simply cannot love without God’s help, and we can’t change overnight. God will give you the grace to do what he wants you to do today. And then there will be a fresh batch of grace for you tomorrow. Every day I pray for all of you my daughters, that your marriages will grow in love and trust more and more as we continue to learn how to love as Jesus loves.

Love, Mom

Searching for Good

October 14, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There is an interesting story told about the time Bobby Kennedy became the U.S. attorney general. The leaders of the civil rights movement despaired because they knew Bobby was not the least bit interested in the movement. At a meeting with Martin Luther King, Jr. everyone was moaning and groaning about Kennedy – no one had anything good to say about the man. Finally Dr. King slammed down his hand and ordered everyone to stop complaining. He said, “Well, then let’s call this meeting to a close. We will re-adjourn when somebody has found something good to say about Bobby Kennedy because that, my friends, is the door through which our movement will pass.”

King’s plan worked. They discovered that Bobby was close to his Bishop, and they worked through the Bishop so effectively that the same leader who could find nothing good to say about Bobby later said, “There was no greater friend to the civil rights movement than Bobby Kennedy.”

Their greatest nightmare turned into their magnificent dream. That’s what we need to do with our husbands as well. There are some days that we think there is nothing good to say about them, but if we can identify one or two strengths and build on them, we will find the road for moving forward in our marriage.

All of us have married men with unique backgrounds and gifts, created by God just for us. I remember complaining about Dad one day to a friend. She listened for a while then wisely said, “Larry is the exact size, shape, and color that God chose for you.” I was speechless because it certainly didn’t feel like that was true. Since then I have learned that God, in His infinite wisdom, has put two people together so He can show His strength in our weaknesses by teaching us how to love our husbands exactly as they are right now. We are not to minimize their weaknesses, but simply make the daily choice of focusing on qualities for which we are thankful. There will come a time when we can address the weaknesses, but for now there needs to be a firm foundation of love and encouragement.

You have probably all heard the statement “The definition for insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” Sadly, that’s what I did for years. I criticized Dad, poked fun at his weaknesses and then expected him to change. Instead of influencing change I simply squelched his desire to be known. Now that I am finally loving Dad for who he is – not what I want him to be – we are enjoying a much richer marriage.

Philippians 4:8 is as relevant for marriage as it is for life:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

It’s amazing how powerful our thoughts are. Anything that comes out of our mouths has to first be thought in our minds. I used to rehearse many annoying traits of Dad in my mind, and then of course negative words followed. I am now learning to actively, on purpose, think about the many good things he does as well as the faithful and caring man that he has become. It has taken discipline and time, but now positive words are coming out of my mouth. Words of affirmation, words of grace, words of thanksgiving.

Affirming your husband’s strengths will likely reinforce and build up those areas you cherish and motivate him to pursue excellence of character. Guys rise to praise, they love how it feels when we respect them, and will live up to how they are treated.

In order to make this a realistic goal we have to keep in mind that no man is thoughtful and caring all the time. We have to give them room to have bad days, off days. God only knows we all have bad and off days as well. Give your man some grace, God gives it to you every single day.

Love, Mom

A Man’s Deepest Thirst

October 7, 2014 / Shari Baar / 5 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There is a story of a woman and her son living in the midst of a famine. She was planning to bake the last loaf of bread out of the last bit of flour and oil that she had, then starve to death along with her son. About that time the prophet Elijah appeared, assured her that if she shared her last loaf of bread with him, her jug of oil and jar of flour would never run dry. She believed him and sure enough it was true. For several months she had enough flour and oil to make bread.

Then one day her son became seriously ill and died. The widow became furious with Elijah and blamed him for the death of her son. Elijah went to the boy’s room and raised him from the dead. Suddenly joy returned to the widow and she said loudly “Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the Lord is true.” For months she had witnessed a miracle happening daily, but it was only when her son was raised from the dead that she finally, truly appreciated him.

This same scenario continues to happen in many marriages today. Many of us view our husbands in the same way. The good things that they do become commonplace and we no longer appreciate them. But when one weakness rears up, all the good things get blotted from memory.

On the first anniversary of the 9/11 attacks some interviews were taken with women who had been widowed on that tragic day. The first question asked was “What has changed about your perspective in the past year?” The first widow to speak said, “The thing I can’t stand is when I hear wives complain about their husbands. It would make my day if I walked into the bathroom and the toilet seat was left up.” There are a lot of annoying trivial things that we major on instead of focusing on the good that our husbands do. We need to focus on what our husbands have done instead of only what they haven’t done.

James 3:2 says

We all stumble in many ways.

It’s not just our husbands who stumble – we all stumble in many ways. We will always have disappointments with our men simply because they aren’t perfect. There was only one perfect man who walked this earth, and he never married. I know I had a prince charming in mind when looking for my husband, and of course I didn’t get him because there is no such thing. When you marry, you’re going to be sinned against, you’re going to be frustrated, and you’re going to be disappointed. That’s just real life. But if we want to influence our guys we need to appreciate them from our heart.

A few years ago I saw the movie Fireproof and there was a line in there that really struck me. Caleb, the fireman, had just saved a little girl’s life and was hailed as a hero on the news. But he told a friend, “I’m a hero to everyone but my wife.” His wife could only see his flaws. In his work, people appreciated him, even lauded him as a champion. But at home his wife saw him as a dud. Every guy wants to feel noticed, special and appreciated. That puts him in a “moldable” mood. When he feels taken for granted, a mere suggestion of change will bring defensiveness and resentment.

I have a friend who is going through an dreadful divorce. The first time she told me about it she made it clear over several hours that the divorce was totally his fault. I simply listened. But about a month later we talked again and the other side of the story came out. She had recently read the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, was deeply convicted for how she had treated her husband, and was finally beginning to understand part of the reason he left. She told me her story with tears of regret, and how sorry she was now for how she had not respected him during the past 20 years. Of course, there was mutual disrespect in the marriage, which creates the perfect storm for broken vows.

Rule #1 for influencing your husband is simply this:

Stop taking your husband for granted.

For some guys this might be such a surprise that they may react with disbelief or even sarcasm when you start respecting them. But deep down it’s what a man craves – acceptance, gratitude and encouragement.

If a guy doesn’t receive respect, he will probably never change. In fact, if you sense that your husband is discouraged, passive, or seems to have an “escapist” mentality, you may be looking at a man who doesn’t feel loved, or respected. He’s simply coping, passing time – not truly living.

I have seen such good changes in Dad since I started intentionally loving, encouraging, and respecting him. We have the best talks, and more open sharing now than we have ever had. My only regret is that I didn’t start treating him with more respect 20 years ago so you girls could have had a better role model. But I will simply be thankful that I did learn it, and started practicing the fine art of loving now instead of never.

Love, Mom

Photo by Michelle Bogda

Deserving Success

September 30, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

John Adams wrote a letter to his wife, Abigail, during the Revolutionary War. Part of that letter reads: “We can’t guarantee success in this war, but we can do something better. We can deserve it.” He basically said “How the war turns out is in the hands of God. We can’t control that, but we can control how we behave. We can deserve success.”

The same principle is true in marriage – How things turn out is not in our power, and we definitely cannot control another person, but we can act in such a way that is honorable, and then trust God to do the changing. It’s an interesting concept to think about, but perhaps your husband’s faults are the very tools that God is using to change you. All those things about your husband that annoy you may be God’s way of teaching you to become more patient, longsuffering and kind. In other words, your marriage makeover might begin with you!

In our early years of marriage I was disappointed. I couldn’t understand why Dad didn’t do more to make me happy. In my “happily ever after” mind I thought it was all about me and my happiness. With a mindset like that it didn’t take long to become discontented, and I thought more than once that I must have made a mistake in my choice for a husband.

It seems counter-intuitive that we should start the improvement by changing ourselves because, of course, it’s always the other person who needs to change. But think about it, if your husband changed solely because of your efforts and manipulation it would be easy to become proud and arrogant. When you demand that someone change for your pleasure, you’re trying to bend a person to meet your needs, make you comfortable and bring you happiness.

If you remember the Fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness…) you will recall that the last one listed is self-control. It’s not child-control or husband-control, but self-control. The only person you can do anything about is you.

God doesn’t require perfection in our behavior, but he does hope to see progress. In five years we should be wiser, stronger, and more mature in character than we are now. Jesus wants us to be a reflection of himself. He’s into character building – that’s His specialty. But guess how He builds character? By allowing difficult times to come into our lives so that we can learn to persevere. Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence asks the question “How is God using your marriage to teach you how to love?” God has us face many issues that may terrify us and make us feel completely inadequate so that we depend on His strength, His wisdom, and His love to be able to persevere through the trials and become a stronger, more loving person because of it.

I used to be annoyed by Romans 5:3-5,

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us.

Rejoice in my sufferings? Yeah, that’s not my gut reaction when hardship comes my way, but I’m slowly learning to recognize the tough times for what they are – God’s tools to make me stronger and more loving. Mother Teresa has another way of saying this: “I never call difficulties ‘problems.’ I always say ‘gift of God’ because it is always much easier to take a gift than to take a problem.”

As I’ve said before, our marriage is better now than it has ever been. But it is only that way because we have both persevered through the hard times, and now we can rejoice in the good times. The good news is that God is involved in our lives. He knew, even before we were born, who our husband would be, and He is not at all surprised by the challenges that we face. He will never leave you, nor forsake you, no matter hard life gets.

I just read the other day that life is 10% circumstances, and 90% our attitude toward those circumstances. That puts a lot of responsibility on us! But with God’s help, we can become the women he wants us to be. And that in turn will influence our husbands to be the best they can be.

Love, Mom

Category: Musings from Sacred Influence (Page 1 of 2)

Jesus, Friend of Women

Jesus Cherishes Women

Men and Metal

The Male Mind

The Glory of Faithfulness

The Helper

Loving a Wounded Man

Searching for Good

A Man’s Deepest Thirst

Deserving Success

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