Branches and Trees

Musings on Marriage

Category: Musings from Sacred Influence (Page 2 of 2)

Building Character

September 16, 2014 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Do you remember reading the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon many years ago that showed seven-year-old Calvin being annoyed at hardships in his life and his father grimly saying “it builds character”?  At the time I thought it was just a funny joke.  But I was intrigued while reading a book by Neil Anderson about ten years ago.  He writes that the number one thing God is after in our lives is developing our character.  By character I mean things like love, joy, peace patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Of course one the best ways to develop character is to live in a committed relationship with the man you married.

I love the last sentence in Chapter 2 of Sacred Influence. Gary Thomas writes, “It’s my firm belief that the current challenges in your marriage may well be God’s vehicle for you to become the strong woman he created you to be.”  As I look back through the years, sometimes thinking that I may have married the wrong man, I see now God’s perfect plan in our marriage – Dad and I both needed changes in our character that could only happen by being married to each other.cropped-BoiseRiver.jpg

Our marriage really started improving by leaps and bounds when I got sick back in January 2003.  I was forced to “lie in green pastures” (the couch) and see myself for who I really was.  And let me tell you it wasn’t a pretty picture.  As I lay there on the couch, my eyes were opened to how ungrateful I had been.  Dad often had many good ideas about different things, but because they came from him I would always find something to criticize.

I wince when I think of the years that I did not encourage, but instead found fault.  Looking back, I always found it easy to encourage my piano and choir students and you, my daughters, but my harshest criticisms were always saved for Dad.  I just thought it was my job to be honest with him, telling him what I thought was wrong with him, instead of building him up and thanking him for all the little things he would do for me.  I have since confessed my sin to Dad and he has so graciously forgiven me.  I know I have hurt him in many ways over the years which made his forgiveness even more amazing.MITrees

Another thing I learned while reading during those hours of lying on the couch, was the fact that Satan’s greatest strategy is to destroy marriages.  It’s not my husband who I am fighting against, it’s Satan whispering words of disdain, of how inadequate my man is, enlarging his faults and diminishing his good traits.  It was then that I truly started to understand the verse “For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  (Ephesians 6:12)

I finally decided to begin partnering with Jesus Christ to be an agent of reconciliation instead of division.  I am not trying to get myself off the hook because I was very guilty of saying some rude stuff, but at least now I know who was behind it all.  I have learned that I can choose my attitude, and I have decided to dispense grace.  Let me tell you, since then I still have temptations to go back to my old ways, but every day it is getting easier and more natural to affirm and love.  Love is a choice that I have to make every day of my life, but the best choice possible in order to have a good marriage.Flowers (5)

 

 

Love, Mom

 

 

Be Bold

September 9, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I’m sure there are things about your husbands that are annoying to you, simply because they and we are human.  The subject of Chapter 2 in Sacred Influence is “Becoming strong enough to address your husband’s “Functional Fixedness.”  Functional fixedness is a term meant to describe a man’s reluctance to change.  Men don’t normally see a need for change in themselves if what they have been doing seems to be working for them.  If a wife allows her husband to treat her poorly – with disrespect – he has no motivation to change.  He needs a compelling reason to change, but it has to be more than your unhappiness with the situation.SacredI

One would think that a husband would want to please his wife, but let’s face it, men (as well as women) are often more concerned with their own needs than the needs of their spouse.  Many women fall in to the typical trap of expressing their needs to their husbands.  Things change for a few days, but eventually he goes back to his old habits.  So how do we influence our men to make good, permanent changes?

In my younger years my M.O. (method of operation) was to put up with Dad’s insensitivities for a few weeks, then the week of my period I could contain my annoyance no longer and I would do the pms thing and blow up.  Not a healthy way of dealing with the problem.J  It wasn’t until years later that I was able to simply bring up a problem I had with him in a good conversational voice and be able to talk through what was bothering me.

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The author, Gary Thomas, warns that we dare not overestimate our ability to live with a deep hurt or a gaping need for years.  Satan knows how to exploit such things and may suggest another man that seems to be so much more caring and understanding than your own husband.  If your ideal plan for marriage leaves no room for divorce, you must honestly accept your weaknesses and be willing to create a climate of change in your home in which your husband will be motivated to change.  Unfortunately Thomas gives no easy “five steps to influence” but the rest of the book  (and over the next several weeks) I will detail Thomas’ strategies for creating situations in which our men will become the best that God can help them be.  If you have tried in the past to communicate your hurt and it isn’t solving the problem, then you are most likely dealing with a case of “functional fixedness” – which will take a great deal of strength and courage on your part to address.

The first strategy is that we need to become a change agent in our marriage, and as I’ve written before it starts with us knowing that we are dearly loved by Christ. Also, to truly believe that if we ask Him He will help us in our journey to love our husbands.

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Be Bold.  The first thing many women in the Bible had to be told was to “Be bold.”  When Hagar was abandoned by her husband and she and her son seemed to be slowly starving to death, God’s angel encouraged her, “Do not be afraid.”  When Mary was told that she as a virgin would carry Jesus Christ, the angel told her “Fear not.”  When the women were outside of the empty tomb wondering what had happened to their Lord, an angel again said “Do not be afraid.”

Fear gives way to paralysis, and many times passivity is our greatest enemy.  Marriages can slowly die from apathy; relationships wilt when neither partner will address the unhealthy patterns that are sucking the life out of their marriage.  But to be able to become that bold woman we must know who we are in Christ – beloved daughters of God.  Armed with that knowledge, security, and acceptance we can be bold and become a force for good in our marriages.  The power of Moses’ words are a wonderful promise to keep in mind “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Flowers

Simply hoping for change is not a strategy.  A good marriage doesn’t happen by accident.  You can’t build a business by accident, and I can’t write a song by accident.  All good things take work and activity, but too often we find ourselves thinking “It’s no use.”  It’s so much easier to give up on marriage, give up on kids, give up on prayer, give up on ourselves.  But God always encourages us to keep walking.  When you fall down, get up and try again.  God is the God of second chances, third chances – however many times it takes.  His love never fails and He is always there, cheering us on.

 

Love, Mom

 

 

 

Jesus, Friend of Women

August 26, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

          Last time I wrote only about the Introduction of the book, Sacred Influence.  Changing me was such a new concept and very different to my way of thinking that it took (and still is taking) time and prayer to reverse that mindset.Sacred In

In Chapter 1 Gary Thomas starts by saying that husbands like to brag about their wives.  They may not say it to you, but they notice your strengths and are eager to tell others about your business acumen, social skills, intelligence, athletic ability, culinary talents – whatever it is that you do well.  But far more important than these skills is your spiritual core.  This is what will give you strength to be the godly change agent in your marriage.

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Did you know that the Bible speaks very highly of women?  In Genesis, right from the start, God created male and female so together we could mirror the image of God.  Either gender alone is unable to adequately represent His character and image.  Women are not simply told to cheer for the men, we are together given the mandate to rule, subdue, and manage this earth, which is a radical statement for any century and any culture in our world.

The next section in the chapter– Jesus, Friend of Women – was fascinating.  In Matthew 1, the genealogy of Jesus includes women: Rahab the prostitute, Ruth, Bathsheba (with whom King David committed adultery), and Mary the mother of Jesus.  In those days it was typically only men who were named in genealogies.  So the amazing thing is that not only did God include women, but that several women had less than stellar backgrounds.

In our culture we have the notion that it is necessary to tear down men to lift up women, but it is remarkable to realize how often the men who surrounded Jesus just didn’t get it while the women did.  Wherever He went He affirmed women when others disdained them.  One time Jesus was having dinner with a religious professional when a prostitute walked in and washed Jesus’ feet with her tears, drying them with her hair.  The man was appalled, but Jesus chided the man and praised the woman because she understood who Jesus was.   Another time a woman poured costly perfume all over Jesus’ head and the disciples grumbled that it was a waste, but Jesus said, “Leave her alone, she has done a beautiful thing to me.”  Then again when Jesus was hanging on the cross, only one out of the twelve male disciples came to watch, but “many women” dared to come and be with Jesus’ during His last suffering moments. Butterflies4

Perhaps the most incredible example of all is after He died and rose again. Who were the first to talk to the angels at the grave, and then later meet Jesus face to face?  Women.  In those days women’s testimony could not be heard in courts of law, only men’s were valid, but Jesus chose women to be the first to see him so they could go and tell the men!

With all of this said, Thomas says that we need to know and believe that we are valued and dearly loved by God himself.  So…if I truly believe that God deeply loves and respects me, then I can love and respect myself.Yellow (5)

For my entire life I have sung  “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…” but I think I never really believed it.  Certainly I knew that God made me and the world and all the people and creation, but I thought that I had to figure out this marriage thing on my own.  Looking back, I never realized how much God loved me.  I never really trusted Him in caring for Dad or all of you.  I thought I had to be the one who did all the molding and shaping (controlling).  It is quite freeing to rest in the fact that I am loved by God and my only job is to love and pray for those around me, not try to change them.  I also never realized how radical the Bible is in its treatment of women.  It’s our culture that has it wrong; God sees men and women as equal in value.  I pray that you will grow to know more and more that He cares intimately about every detail of your life ~ and that He can be trusted ~ even in your marriage.

I love I Corinthians 7:17: “And don’t be wishing you were someplace else.  Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there.  God, not your marital status, defines your life.”

 

  Love, Mom

 

Change Who??

August 18, 2014 / / 4 Comments

Dear Daughters,

About fifteen years ago our family was on vacation in Idaho at Grandpa and Grandma’s home – the year we were celebrating their 50th anniversary.  I don’t remember all the details, but Grandpa and Grandma were snipping at each other in the kitchen for some trivial reason.  I was sitting in the den so I heard part of what was said.  Then Grandma left to go outside and pick some veggies out of the garden.  I remember clear as day Grandpa’s next remark to me,

Your mom and I have been married for 50 years and she’s still trying to change me. 

It was like a flash of lightning for me, because for 25 years I had been trying to change your dad.  Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  Right then and there I vowed to find a way to learn to really love him for exactly who he is now and not for who I hope he will be in the future.

Since then I have been learning and reading, making mistakes, praying for wisdom, learning more and reading more and failing again .…..you get the idea.  But I have just started reading an incredible book written by Gary Thomas entitled Sacred Influence.  And because I have been learning so much I thought I would share it with all of you, my precious daughters.  You can take what you like, throw out the rest, but I feel the need to verbalize what I’ve been learning and trying to put into practice.   I just want to try to share succinctly one chapter at a time.

As you all know, our marriage has always been committed, but not always loving, encouraging, and peaceful.  In the first chapter of Sacred Influence, Thomas writes that although there are many good books on marriage written by women for women to encourage them in their marriages, he thought it might be helpful to write some male insights into men’s thoughts and feelings.

He starts by stating that God loves women.  He feels passion for you when you cry, in fact he cries with you.  He wants your marriage to be fulfilling and satisfying.  Gary writes,

God knows that men can provide great strength, nurture, comfort, and security, but also that they can be frustrating, terrifying, demanding, and selfish.

Then he goes on to remark that there is no way we can change a man, but that we can learn to influence him or move him – a far subtler art.  Remarkably, he goes on to say that your husband isn’t the only imperfect person in the relationship.  Now that was one of my problems earlier on, I thought I was OK just like I was and that the whole problem in our marriage was Dad.  But one day God showed me that I was also a big part of the problem – what a shocking revelation.

So, as I was trying to digest this scandalous new mindset I realized that there is only one person in the world I am able to change, and that is me.  After the initial shock of this enlightening insight, so much pressure has been taken from me to know that I can’t, and finally don’t want to change Dad, but I can become more patient, kind, and loving, then leave the rest up to God.  That too, was a new concept to me – letting God do the work that only He can do.

But before I can love, I must believe that I am loved by God because I simply cannot conjure up love on my own.

I love the words from Lauren Daigle when she pours out her heart to God:

     You say I am loved, when I don’t feel a thing

     You say I am strong, when I feel I am weak

     You say I am held, when I am falling short

     And when I don’t belong, Oh You say I am yours.

              And I believe….

Yes, I believe.  I must believe, I have to believe that God loves me before I can love anyone well.  Believing has been some of the hardest work I have ever done, but also some of the most life-saving work God has done through me.

Yes, it has taken much effort, time, and rejecting those lies from my past  – those lies that I had been forgotten and dismissed, somehow falling off  God’s radar.

Some days I find myself reverting back into my old ingrained ways of thinking, but little by little I am learning, growing, trusting and changing.

Love, Mom

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