Musings on Marriage

Category: Change Who??

Gender Madness

If you were given one chance in life to be reborn, to reinvent and make yourself into the image of your own choosing – would you do it?  What if you were given promises that by changing your identity and the essence of who you are – you would achieve lasting happiness, and everyone would love you?  It sounds tempting, easy and so alluring, doesn’t it?

Oli London was given all those promises – the promises that his fantasy life could become real and he could be cloned into a K-pop artist.  His dream was to become a Korean female pop star, and because of this his visions of happiness would finally come true.  So, going through nine different surgeries, including 32 procedures, he finally arrived at his destination façade totally intending to have reached perfection.

 Oli had been battling with self-identity for a decade, yet, even as he did become semi- famous in K-pop music, he still didn’t like who he was.  All the insecurities he had suffered as a child never went away.  The voices of “not good enough, you’re such a loser, you’ll never get anything right…” were still there.  The outside of his body had changed, but it hadn’t become the magic formula for ridding himself of those nagging thoughts which were constantly on loop in his brain.

During one of his surgeries in Korea (the plastic surgery capitol of the world) he wrote the following:

It was a factory, and I was just a product that needed to be pumped out of the production line quickly, so that he could move on to the next patient, then the next one.  There was simply no duty of care or code of ethics governing this clinic; it was simply about quick profit and then throwing the patient out the door.

Long story short, Oli did detransition – becoming the man he always was.  He learned that God had loved him throughout his journey, he just didn’t realize this fact.  Oli’s fear now was what would happen on social media when he did come out with his detransition story.  Because he had hundreds of thousands of followers on TikTok, IG and FB, he was concerned about how he would be treated.  His worries were valid:

The irony was that these were the same people who preach about acceptance and about respecting people’s identities however unusual they may be, yet I was suddenly cast out and they were turning on me.

As one woman who detransitioned said after it was all over,

It (the transition process) was the closest thing I could come to killing myself without actually doing it.

Millions of adolescents are uncomfortable in their own bodies – I don’t know of a teenager who isn’t.  It certainly wasn’t my favorite time of life.  Being a teen is difficult but trying to totally remake yourself is not the answer. 

God made a DNA code for every person in the world, and it is there at the conception of each human being.  No number of hormones, puberty blockers or gender reassignment surgeries will ever change that fact.  Promises are given from many doctors and therapists, but all them are piecrust promises – easily broken, because it is impossible to change from the sex which God so graciously granted you.

Daisy, a teenage girl who wanted to become a boy, looks back now on the journey she walked -taking testosterone and having top surgery (a double mastectomy) and says that basically everyone is lying – the media is lying, the doctors are lying, the therapists are lying, and “I was lying to myself.”   It’s all a game of pretending, except for the fact that it is ruining the lives of so many.

Oli London is now a dedicated activist, splitting his time between Washington D.C. and London, fighting to put an end to the “Gender-affirming” care system that is impacting so many young lives across the world.  His understanding of the confusion and lies that consume the minds of so many young people is invaluable. 

Oli has experienced the compassionate love of God, and is eager to share that beautiful message, which is something we all need to hear and believe.   

How Old Are You?

Dear Daughters,

How old are you?

A seemingly simple question, but lots of options for answers.  I could state the obvious – the number of years I have lived on this earth – or use it as springboard for something more.   The other day I heard it asked as an open-ended question, so I decided to answer it for myself.

I’m old enough to know I cannot change anyone but me.

I wish I would have learned this one decades ago.  For far too long I have tried to change people, which is, in effect, criticizing God’s creation – thinking that I know better than Him.  Sounds like some dangerous ground to tread upon.

In Galatians 5:23, the last fruit of the spirit listed is self-control.  It is not husband-control or child-control, but self-control.  The only person I can change is myself and that is more than enough to keep me busy for a life time.  I still struggle with changing only myself, and I can tell it will be a life long journey.

I’m old enough to know that the most valuable things in life cannot be seen with the eyes.

There were times when I have been envious of what others have –  homes, cars, jobs –  but I’ve learned that the most valuable things in life are not my income, my college degree, where I live, what I wear, but relationships, peace of mind, love of family, a good marriage, having a handful of close friends, knowing that God loves me.

I’m old enough to know that bitterness keeps me in a deep prison, but forgiveness sets me free.

I’ve tried the bitterness road, and it is a deadly dead end.  If I want to be miserable, I will continue to replay the hurts, scenes of rage, words of anger, and any other injuries committed toward me.  But if I desire freedom, I need to forgive – today, tomorrow, next week, the following year, and most likely for the rest of my life.

For me, forgiveness has not been a one-time deal, but a lifestyle.  After forgiving a person, and giving him to God, I become free and find that a huge burden has been lifted.

I’m old enough to know that self-centeredness ruins relationships.

Being a people watcher, observing relationships and what makes or breaks them, it doesn’t take long to see that selfishness is the prime destroyer of marriages, business relationships and friendships.  If I think the world is all about what makes me happy, I will become miserable and be the loser.  But….. if I care about others’ needs and seek to bring hope and encouragement to them, I will be surprised by joy.

I am old enough to know that God answers prayer.

He doesn’t always answer it the way I think is best.  Sometimes His answer is yes, sometimes it is no, and sometimes it is wait, but He always hears and answers.

I am old enough to know that 1 Corinthians 13 has the best definition of love in the world.

Love is patient

Love is kind

It does not boast, it is not proud

Love is not rude, self-seeking or easily angered

It keeps no record of wrongs

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

…and Jesus Christ is the personification of Love.

Now I’m not saying I am able to love like this, but it has become my life’s goal.

I’m old enough to know that suffering is not something to be avoided.

I read the most interesting analogy of the good found in suffering the other day by Eleonore Stump in her book Wandering in Darkness:

Imagine aliens who somehow managed to tap into a video feed from earth, but all they could see was the hospital delivery room when I was being born.  And they watched as the doctors forcefully told my mom to do things that made her scream in pain.  And then when she could take no more, the doctors got out a knife and cut right into her stomach.  They took me out – blood everywhere – and even though my mom was reaching out for me and screaming for me, they immediately rushed me away from her.

What would the aliens think?  If all the aliens saw were the first few moments of life, they might think the doctors were utterly evil.  They might also conclude that bringing a child into this world is a terrible crime.  Only from a fuller perspective would they be able to see that the doctors actually cared for my mother extremely well, and in fact saved my life.  Only from a fuller perspective would they be able to understand why many of us are in fact grateful to our parents for having given us life.

Taking time to study the big picture of life – the celebrative, the suffering and everything in between – teaches me that I need all kinds of experiences on the spectrum of life to live my life to the fullest.

 

I’m old enough to know that God still works wonders and miracles today.

There are miracles of physical safety, like homes and people kept safe from wildfires, hurricanes and tornadoes. There are also the everyday miracles like a baby being born, the sun rising and setting, an eclipse, the wonder of beautiful, vibrant colors of autumn.

And then there are the miracles of people being transformed from selfish, mean, complaining, self-destructing and bitter, to caring, encouraging, loving and compassionate.  In the past few months I have heard stories from three close friends about how Jesus has transformed hearts – changing a sister, a mother and a husband.  As my friend Gail summed it up:

It is the biggest miracle on the face of this earth.

 I’m old enough to know that the unseen world is much more real than that which we  see with our eyes.

We struggle not against people, but against the spiritual world – the enemy of our soul.  This is no athletic contest that we’ll walk away from in a day or two.  It is a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

I’m old enough to know that the sun still shines above the clouds.

Far too often on an emotionally cloudy day I forget many of the blessings that have happened in my little circle of life.  I am learning to remember that even though all I see may be dark, Jesus is still doing his work, slowly and faithfully.

I’m old enough to know that giving thanks is medicine for the soul.

Following the example of Ann Voskamp, I continue to write in my gratitude journal.  Every day I find it is as important as eating a diet of healthy food – writing line upon line those things in life for which I am grateful.  Even though it is something as simple as seeing a hummingbird or a rainbow, tickling a tiny tummy and hearing those baby giggles, or something as big as a wonderful night of sleep, I give thanks.   I am slowly learning to give thanks for the difficult struggles in life as well.

I’m old enough to know that God is good and his love endures forever.

And because of that I can face tomorrow without fear.

I hope you are a faster learner than I, and that it doesn’t take you over six decades to learn all these facts of life.  But remember that if it does, Jesus will still be patient with you as He has been with me.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clod Picking and the Election

Dear Daughters,

A late summer job after my junior year in high school was titled Clod Picker.  As you might guess, I was involved with the potato harvest in Idaho.  The job went like this: A huge potato harvester was brought into the field of ripe potatoes.  On top of the harvester was a conveyer belt bringing up stones, dirt clods, sand and potatoes from the land beneath us.  My primary job was to discern which were potatoes and which weren’t and toss out the latter.  Difficult as it was to determine the difference between those objects, I must have caught on quickly because Mr. Hohnhorst kept me on for the entire harvest – great job security.

Rock (2)

Oddly enough, as I watch the election process in our country I am reminded of my summer job decades ago. I am saddened, not only by our choice of candidates but  the judgment and blame that is being tossed from side to side.

I have read many op-eds from all viewpoints and I lament that we Christians are sounding way too much like the world.

As I remember, Jesus never criticized or condemned Caesar Augustus, Herod, Pontius Pilate, or any other governing leaders of His time. I also don’t recollect any time when we as the church are instructed to go out and ridicule, debase, or mock our leaders.

Jesus never disparaged the barbaric Roman government in which He was under authority.  He never said, Those Romans, they are the most unjust, deplorable people ever.  There is racism, no respect for life, our taxes are out of control, in fact that older Herod even ran my family out of the country when I was a baby.  He wanted to kill me!   

Jesus knew He belonged to another kingdom and was under the authority of His Father the King.  He obediently prayed for wisdom and went about doing good as the Son of God.

Kari (15)

I wonder what this world would look like if instead of judging, slandering and dissecting every news clip, we prayed for those in authority over us as instructed in the letter to Timothy:

I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession, and thanksgiving be made for everyone –  for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.  1 Timothy 2:1-2

And also in the letter to Titus:

Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men. Titus 3:1-2

I am continually amazed at the hate, trash talk, and arrogance in many videos, FB posts and articles that abound.  It seems like we are bent on destroying each other, ripping apart and dividing our country from within.

And, of course, how does any country/business/church/family/marriage fall apart?  From within.  Bickering, slander, gossip, ridicule, distrust and judgment.

If you read the history of Rome, Russia, Israel, and any other country that has collapsed, you will find that  people became decadent, each person doing what was right in his own eyes, paying no attention to the law of the land, but only demanding their rights, not taking responsibility for themselves or others.

Whenever absolute truth (right and wrong) is lost, everyone becomes their own god, making up the rules as they go.  What feels good and makes me happy is the only barometer by which to measure living.

The natural end of such is anarchy, resulting in totalitarianism.  The masses of people are deemed unworthy of making good choices so there is chaos, which gives rise easily to a dictator to control people who are out of control.

Kari (14)

In the early primary stages of the Presidential election there were many fine men and women from which to choose on either ticket.  They were people of character, of honesty, simplicity and substance.  But here we are today, and many are mad.  Mad enough to not vote at all.

I am reminded of a quote by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr:

The real problem is that through our scientific genius we’ve made of the world a neighborhood, but through our moral and spiritual genius we’ve failed to make of it a brotherhood.Dounto

Now as Christians, if we are a part of another Kingdom – the Kingdom of Heaven – shouldn’t we behave differently than the ways of the kingdom of the United States of America?

I believe that Solomon, King of Israel back around 950 B.C., although a flawed human being just like all of us, had the wisdom of God revealed to him in a dream when He spoke the following:

If my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and heal their land.       2 Chronicles 7:14

So, if we are truly followers of Jesus, the first thing we need to do is to humble ourselves. God will not humble us, He may bring about circumstances to help with that, but we need to deliberately humble ourselves under His authority.

Turn from our wicked ways.  I was quite offended when I first read that verse many years ago.  I thought, I’m not wicked, that’s those other people who are violent, murderers, drug dealers, child molesters…  How can a child of God be wicked?

Any 12-step program will require that you take an honest assessment about yourself.  So I read the list of things God is displeased with: haughty eyes, greed, gluttony, gossip, a lying tongue, slanderers….  I was guilty and saw many of those attributes in myself.

In fact, true religion, says James, is caring for the orphans and the widows, the outcast, the foreigner, the poor and forgotten.

Pray and seek the face of God.  That doesn’t just sound like good moral living, does it?  It means to continually pray for wisdom in our every word, action, and attitude.  There are people all around us who are lonely, discouraged, weak, hopeless and despairing.  If we are followers of Jesus, we are required to treat others with kindness, grace and respect.  In others, we see the face of God.

If we truly took our faith seriously, we would not have time to criticize, demonize, or judge those who do not think like or act like us.

The most amazing thing about this verse, though, is the ending.  It says if we do humble ourselves, confess our sins, turn from our wicked ways and seek God’s face,

He Will Heal Our Land.

OK, now I’m thinking you are saying sure, that is going to heal America?  Don’t we have other things we can do that will help more?

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Remember Gideon, the obscure weakling written about in the book of Judges? It certainly is not a well-known story, but amazing nonetheless.

As the story goes, an angel came to Gideon one night and said “Hail Mighty Warrior!”  Gideon looked around wondering who the angel was talking to, because he replied, Oh, I am from the weakest clan of Israel and I am the youngest in my family. 

God told him to get an army together to fight their enemies, the Midianites- who had been oppressing the Israelites for years.  Gideon turned up with 32,000 men.  The enemy armies numbered 135,000.

True to God’s character, he said Gideon’s army was too large and began to pare it down.  After sending away 22,000 men who were afraid and fearful, Gideon ended up with 10,000 to the enemies’ 135,000, so now they were outnumbered by only 13 to 1.

Again God said there were too many in the army, so he cut it back to 300.  Now that is a ratio of 1 to 450.  Impossible, I would think, to win a battle.  But when the battle started, God caused the Midianites to flee in confusion and destroy each other. Gideon’s army won – a completely unexpected outcome given the ratio between the armies.

That’s how our God does battle.

Kari (18)

Now, back to the clod-picking job.  My work was to hold on to the potatoes, not keep throwing the dirt and sand and rocks around at my fellow workers.  What I see is dirt, accusations, tweets, rocks, retweets, talking heads, videos, sand, and much else flying around.

Hold on to the good, do good, humble yourself, pray, turn from evil…..

Try to remember – We are in a wrestling match between good and evil.  But our struggle is not against flesh and blood, it is against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.kari (25)

I wonder – if we all started humbling ourselves, confessing our sins, praying for those in authority and caring for the weak – what change would occur in our country?

I’m willing to do my part, will you join me?

Love, Mom

 

 

There Is A Way Things Work

Dear Daughters,

Have you ever noticed that there is a way things work?

When babies are little they love gravity.  I remember you dropping small toys, food, spoons and a variety of other objects from your high chair and watching them with interest.  They always fell down, never up.

When you are driving down an 8% grade you will be using your brakes….a lot.  Even if you don’t believe in gravity, that’s the way it works.  It’s a law of nature and it’s permanent. Sun Valley

In math, 3 + 4 = 7; 7(3 + 11) = 98 and, of course, a million other equations are black and white.  You may not like it, but they are facts and nothing will change it.

There are laws of physics.  I took one semester of college physics which was plenty for me, but I did learn there are natural laws in the universe: the regularity of the ocean tides, the consistent orbits of all the planets. Earth is predictable as the sun comes up every morning, constellations and star clusters can be followed diligently and predictably.    Once in awhile I  become frustrated about the sun being so scheduled – sometimes I would like a day to last longer, sometimes shorter. Kari (24)

                                                                                                        photo by Kari Matthews

 

But, there is a way things work.

When mechanical engineers invent, design and fashion a machine, they send directives along to their customers, which they expect to be used.  I have heard that engineers get quite annoyed when companies don’t use the apparatus according to the directions, then call and complain that something is wrong with the #*&!% machine.

There is a way things work

and if we don’t follow instructions we are destined for anger, irritation and frustration.Shack

I have recently been revisiting a book I read over a decade ago, an old friend of mine: Victory Over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson.  Do you ever do that?  Remember with affection the things you learned and the stories that were within the books you read long ago?

Well…lately I have been in the criticizing mode with Dad and the section that caught my attention was specifically how criticism is not advantageous to a good marriage.

Shocker.

Yes, I have known in my head for years that this is true, yet my mouth sometimes blurts words out that are hurtful, judgmental, and unfair.

I was reminded once again about how it’s not my job to change my husband.  It’s so much easier to keep my eyes on Dad and see the faults that lie within, instead of keeping my eyes on Jesus and seeking to change myself, letting Him do the work that needs to be done in Dad.

Here is a verse that is not well known but should become so:

Who are you to judge the servant of another?  To his own master he stands or falls; and stand he will, for the Lord is able to make him stand.  Romans 14:4

In other words: Get out of the way so God can do his work.  It is not my job to judge Dad’s character or the things he does.  I have no idea (well, I have some) why he does the things that he does, but my opinions are not the important thing here.

I am not responsible for Dad’s character, nor he for mine.  In fact, my only job is:

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.  Philippians 2:3

Now that’s hard to do.Daisies

Rock (2)

Lily (2)

We live in a narcissistic society, taught to look out for our own interests only.  Our culture tells us that marriage is to make me happy.  If my spouse doesn’t agree and try to make me happy, it’s time to find someone else.

Yes, we can choose to live like that but our marriage will certainly crumble and fail.  That’s why the divorce rate is over 50% in our country.

There is a way things work.

On the other hand, God’s way (He is the Creator of marriage, you know) is to humble ourselves and meet the needs of our husbands while we look to God to meet our needs.  As we do that He will shape and mold our character.

There is a way things work.

But that calls for getting our eyes off ourselves.  We need to surrender to our Creator, just like the customers of the engineers need to surrender to the instructions that come with their machines.

Part of our instruction manual (The Bible) tells us that we have an enemy who is diabolically opposed to marriage.  Satan is always out to divide and conquer.  He hates love, he hates forgiveness and apologies and he hates you.  Some of his major strategies are to cause hopelessness (this marriage will never get better), promote blame, and squelch apologies.

This world is not a playground, it is a battlefield.

We must be vigilant in our love, in our dependence on Jesus and in following the instruction manual He has given us.

Lord (2)

Last week you and your families helped Dad and I celebrate our marriage of 40 years.  Forty years of faithfulness, commitment, hurts, anger, sometimes being ready to bail and forget the vows, forgiveness, yet trusting that our mutual love for Jesus would carry us through.

You have seen the hardships we’ve experienced, the anger we have had with each other; you’ve also seen the joy, laughter and love that we have shared.  Because our marriage started with vows to God and each other we were able to stay faithful even in the midst of tumultuous times.

There is a way things work,

and if both partners in a marriage live by God’s principles of love, putting our husbands’ needs before our own and trusting that God will do His good work in His time, marriages will not only last, but also point to and glorify God’s faithfulness.

I am so grateful that all of you have been faithful to your husbands in the good times and bad.  I have listened to your heartbreaks and times of struggle – and there are many – but you have remained faithful and have chosen to do things God way, and for that I give thanks.   Continue to fight the good fight of faith.

Love, Mom

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