Branches and Trees

Musings on Marriage

Month: October 2014

Boxes, Bins, Barrels and Totes

October 28, 2014 / / 1 Comment

October 27, 2014

Dear Daughters,

Once again I am in the middle of stacks, piles, decisions, and emotions. Stacks of things to be thrown out or given away, piles of memories to be sorted through, decisions of what goes where, and emotions which are scattered all across the landscape.Road (2)

After living for 27 years in the beautiful state of Michigan, enjoying being near you and all your families, we are leaving to return to Idaho, as you know.  Though we are growing old, Grandpa and Grandma, both in their eighth decade, are growing older, and needing us to help care for them.

So we leave, with heavy hearts, joy-filled hearts, broken hearts and hearts full of anticipation to what God has in store for us.  Having only been caretakers for our children and grandchildren at the beginning of their lives, caring for parents near the culmination of their lives will be a new adventure.

Dad and I have been reading through the book The Spirituality of Caregiving by Henri Nouwen during the past week.  The opening thought of the book took me by surprise.  The word care finds its root in the word kara which means “to lament, to mourn, to participate in suffering, to share in pain.”  Even though we have done all those things at various times and in countless ways with  many of our family and loved ones in our lives already, this chapter will be totally different.SnakeRocky

I am reminded of the beauty of faithfulness, especially in marriage, as we prepare to move.  Though Dad and I have had struggles in our marriage we fought for love, for understanding and for grace – a battle not easily won, but so worth the fight.  Because we have learned to care for each other our bonds have become strong,  so we will be able to be a united front in caring for my parents, whose bonds have also become stronger over their 64 years together.  They too have been through hardships – the death of a son, physical limitations, and the everyday strains and pulls of life.

God only knows how long any of our lives will be, but as we continue learning to forgive, sharing in each other’s pain, trusting God to teach us His ways, we will become faithful as He is faithful.  We, as a family, have actually been caregivers, according to the definition above.  We have suffered with, we have lamented, we have mourned each other’s losses, we have shared our pain as a family.  So we have all learned to care.  I thank all of you for allowing us to lament, grieve, rejoice and share your pain.  We will continue to do so, yet now it will be from a distance.

As we prepare to leave we grieve, we mourn, we question why.  This weekend, as we spent our last time together as a family for many months, it was so hard.  It was wonderful to be with you all, to watch the little ones play, the older ones becoming so grown-up, the teasing, laughter and celebration with food.  But then came the good-byes….. for now.  My heart was breaking, tears streaming down our faces and I wondered “Are we doing the right thing?”  For many years I thought that doing the right thing would feel good.  But I have had to learn that doing right sometimes hurts.  Jesus obeyed his Father perfectly and it hurt him.  Can I expect any less?

God is good and His will is that we live responsibly today and trust Him for tomorrow.  It’s hard, it hurts, but I know it’s the only way that will bring joy.  So, my dear daughters,

 

            May the road rise to meet you,

            May the wind be always at your back

            The sun shine warm upon your face

            The wind blow soft upon your fields.

            And until we meet again,

            May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

(The Old Irish Blessing)

FallNMI

Love, Mom

           

 

Making One Thing New

October 16, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Several decades ago, Aunt Val gave me a cutting board she had made in high school woodshop.  She had carefully cut out thin strips of various kinds of wood, glued them together, varnished them and proudly given it to me on my birthday.  I have chopped countless vegetables, fruits, nuts, and meats on that faithful board, but there came a time when I started using thin plastic cutting boards for ease of cleaning and storing.

One day Dad found that well-worn cutting board in the pile going to Goodwill and took it out because he had an idea of making it into something new.  As you know, I have been annoyed in past years when Dad wants to save things I would rather throw out or give away.  I’m sure I made some snide remark when he told me he was going to save it for a project because, of course, we all know about his black hole of unfinished projects in the basement.  What goes in  never comes out.   I quickly dismissed the incident from my mind.

Several months later he showed me his completed project.  From that worn out, cut up, beat up board he had made a beautiful table for my plants.  I was quite impressed.  Over the years that board had become so ugly, splinters coming off the edges, dull and useless (so I thought) but now it was transformed into a striking piece of art.New (3)

For over ten years now it has faithfully held my favorite green ivy plant, curling and twisting around.  About the same time I put the ivy on this plant stand someone gave me a little decorative tile to stick in the dirt.  I really didn’t look at the words  imprinted on the decorative stick, I just put it in the dirt because I liked the colors.  Recently though, I looked at that transformed cutting board and the words on the stick.

“I make all things new.”

Revelation 21:5

 I will admit, sometimes I am a very slow learner.  It takes years after I learn something intellectually to make it a habit in my life.  Looking at the previously battered cutting board now transformed into a new thing along with the scripture in the ivy, I finally realized that this is precisely what’s happening in me and my family.  I used to be ungrateful, critical, quick to find fault with people.  But through many years and God’s faithful chiseling on my personality I am learning to become grateful for the good gifts He gives me every day.  I have learned to encourage and build up instead of criticize and tear down.  I search out the good in people instead of focusing on the annoying traits.  Of course I still stumble and fall, but I feel like I am continually becoming a new person. New (4)

All throughout the Bible, from beginning to end, in story after story, God is making all things new.  Look at Joseph, the self-centered, arrogant teenager bragging to his brothers about the dreams he’s dreamed.  God didn’t just say, Now you shape up, get humble and  quit bragging about those dreams.   Instead, God allowed circumstances in his life to humble him.  Tough circumstances like sitting in prison for a crime he didn’t commit.  Suffering worked humility into him, so well that he was able to forgive his brothers for the evil they showed toward him.

And then there’s Moses.  As the young Prince of Egypt, he was ready to help his fellow Israelites escape their cruel slave masters by murdering one of them.  Again, God didn’t just give him a stern talking to, telling him to change.  He provided 40 years as a shepherd on the back side of a desert in order to humble and chisel him into someone who would become a fearless leader.

This is God’s way.  He is never in a hurry, but patiently, consistently and gently provides life for us, bringing us to the end of ourselves and opening our eyes to our need for Him.  Every day is a new day, as he is molding us to be more like Him.  He molds us into His gracious personality.  And the really cool thing is when just one person starts submitting, it becomes infectious to others in the vicinity.

Of course, marriage is a major chiseling tool for God to bring changes into our personality.   For a time I felt like Dad’s and my relationship had become battered, worn and dull.  But when I invited God to help me love, teach me to respect, and speak the language of peace and forgiveness, He began to make our marriage new.  So………even if you feel like your marriage is beat up, full of slivers, and just plain worn out – never fear.  God makes all things new, as long as you let Him have His way with you.

Accept with an open hand whatever comes your way, trusting your Heavenly Father to have the love and wisdom to mold you into his likeness.

Love, Mom

Searching for Good

October 14, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There is an interesting story told about the time Bobby Kennedy became the U.S. attorney general.  The leaders of the civil rights movement despaired because they knew Bobby was not the least bit interested in the movement.  At a meeting with Martin Luther King, Jr. everyone was moaning and groaning about Kennedy – no one had anything good to say about the man.  Finally Dr. King slammed down his hand and ordered everyone to stop complaining.  He said, “Well, then let’s call this meeting to a close.  We will re-adjourn when somebody has found something good to say about Bobby Kennedy because that, my friends, is the door through which our movement will pass.”SacredInfluence (2)

King’s plan worked.  They discovered that Bobby was close to his Bishop, and they worked through the Bishop so effectively that the same leader who could find nothing good to say about Bobby later said, “There was no greater friend to the civil rights movement than Bobby Kennedy.”

Their greatest nightmare turned into their magnificent dream. That’s what we need to do with our husbands as well.  There are some days that we think there is nothing good to say about them, but if we can identify one or two strengths and build on them, we will find the road for moving forward in our marriage.

 

All of us have married men with unique backgrounds and gifts, created by God just for us.  I remember complaining about Dad  one day to a friend.  She listened for a while then wisely said, “Larry is the exact size, shape, and color that God chose for you.”  I was speechless because it certainly didn’t feel like that was true.  Since then I have learned that God, in His infinite wisdom, has put two people together so He can show His strength in our weaknesses by teaching us how to love our husbands exactly as they are right now.  We are not to minimize their weaknesses, but simply make the daily choice of focusing on qualities for which we are thankful.  There will come a time when we can address the weaknesses, but for now there needs to be a firm foundation of love and encouragement.

You have probably all heard the statement “The definition for insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”  Sadly, that’s what I did for years.  I criticized Dad, poked fun at his weaknesses and then expected him to change.  Instead of influencing change I simply squelched his desire to be known.  Now that I am finally loving Dad for who he is – not what I want him to be – we are enjoying a much richer marriage.MIFall

Philippians 4:8 is as relevant for marriage as it is for life:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

It’s amazing how powerful our thoughts are.  Anything that comes out of our mouths has to first be thought in our minds.  I used to rehearse many annoying traits of Dad in my mind, and then of course negative words followed.  I am now learning to actively, on purpose, think about the many good things he does as well as the faithful and caring man that he has become.  It has taken discipline and time, but now positive words are coming out of my mouth.  Words of affirmation, words of grace, words of thanksgiving.

Affirming your husband’s strengths will likely reinforce and build up those areas you cherish and motivate him to pursue excellence of character.  Guys rise to praise, they love how it feels when we respect them, and will live up to how they are treated.

In order to make this a realistic goal we have to keep in mind that no man is thoughtful and caring all the time.  We have to give them room to have bad days, off days.  God only knows we all have bad and off days as well.  Give your man some grace, God gives it to you every single day.

Love, MomApples (2)

A Man’s Deepest Thirst

October 7, 2014 / / 5 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There is a story of a woman and her son living in the midst of a famine. She was planning to bake the last loaf of bread out of the last bit of flour and oil that she had, then starve to death along with her son.  About that time the prophet Elijah appeared, assured her that if she shared her last loaf of bread with him, her jug of oil and jar of flour would never run dry.  She believed him and sure enough it was true.  For several months she had enough flour and oil to make bread. Bread

Then one day her son became seriously ill and died. The widow became furious with Elijah and blamed him for the death of her son.  Elijah went to the boy’s room and raised him from the dead.  Suddenly joy returned to the widow and she said loudly “Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the Lord is true.”  For months she had witnessed a miracle happening daily, but it was only when her son was raised from the dead that she finally, truly appreciated him.

This same scenario continues to happen in many marriages today. Many of us view our husbands in the same way.  The good things that they do become commonplace and we no longer appreciate them.  But when one weakness rears up, all the good things get blotted from memory.

On the first anniversary of the 9/11 attacks some interviews were taken with women who had been widowed on that tragic day. The first question asked was “What has changed about your perspective in the past year?”  The first widow to speak said, “The thing I can’t stand is when I hear wives complain about their husbands.  It would make my day if I walked into the bathroom and the toilet seat was left up.”  There are a lot of annoying trivial things that we major on instead of focusing on the good that our husbands do.  We need to focus on what our husbands have done instead of only what they haven’t done.

James 3:2 says

We all stumble in many ways.

It’s not just our husbands who stumble – we all stumble in many ways.  We will always have disappointments with our men simply because they aren’t perfect.  There was only one perfect man who walked this earth, and he never married.  I know I had a prince charming in mind when looking for my husband, and of course I didn’t get him because there is no such thing.  When you marry, you’re going to be sinned against, you’re going to be frustrated, and you’re going to be disappointed.  That’s just real life.  But if we want to influence our guys we need to appreciate them from our heart. Fire

A few years ago I saw the movie Fireproof and there was a line in there that really struck me. Caleb, the fireman, had just saved a little girl’s life and was hailed as a hero on the news.  But he told a friend, “I’m a hero to everyone but my wife.”  His wife could only see his flaws.  In his work, people appreciated him, even lauded him as a champion.  But at home his wife saw him as a dud.  Every guy wants to feel noticed, special and appreciated.  That puts him in a “moldable” mood.  When he feels taken for granted, a mere suggestion of change will bring defensiveness and resentment.

I have a friend who is going through an dreadful divorce. The first time she told me about it she made it clear over several hours that the divorce was totally his fault.  I simply listened.  But about a month later we talked again and the other side of the story came out.  She had recently read the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, was deeply convicted for how she had treated her husband, and was finally beginning to understand part of the reason he left.  She told me her story with tears of regret, and how sorry she was now for how she had not respected him during the past 20 years.  Of course, there was mutual disrespect in the marriage, which creates the perfect storm for broken vows.

Rule #1 for influencing your husband is simply this:

Stop taking your husband for granted.

For some guys this might be such a surprise that they may react with disbelief or even sarcasm when you start respecting them.  But deep down it’s what a man craves – acceptance, gratitude and encouragement.

If a guy doesn’t receive respect, he will probably never change. In fact, if you sense that your husband is discouraged, passive, or seems to have an “escapist” mentality, you may be looking at a man who doesn’t feel loved, or respected.  He’s simply coping, passing time – not truly living.

I have seen such good changes in Dad since I started intentionally loving, encouraging, and respecting him. We have the best talks, and more open sharing now than we have ever had.  My only regret is that I didn’t start treating him with more respect 20 years ago so you girls could have had a better role model.  But I will simply be thankful that I did learn it, and started practicing the fine art of loving now instead of never.

Love, Mom

MichellesSunset

Photo by Michelle Bogda

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