Month: November 2014

The Glory of Faithfulness

November 25, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I was having lunch recently with a friend of mine who was seriously contemplating divorce. Sarah said that she had changed a lot since she married and her husband had not, which in her mind gave her permission to divorce. She was not feeling fulfilled in life so was following her heart and leaving him.

Our culture glorifies selfishness and the popular idea to follow our hearts. Books and movies exalt our emotions and encourage us to allow romantic intensity to rule. Families often fall apart because we have lost our respect for responsibility. At the beginning of our romantic relationship, the intensity can enthrall us. In a sense we have become romantic gluttons. When the feelings aren’t there anymore many give up, thinking that if we don’t feel romantic all the time, love is over. Marriage is difficult, but once we choose that commitment, we need to take on the responsibilities that marriage requires.

It would be good for us, says author Gary Thomas, “to recapture the beauty of responsibility and the glory of faithfulness.” Responsible Wives doesn’t sound nearly as exciting as Desperate Housewives but the implication is profound. Sadly, our society sees actresses and supermodels as people to emulate, but their physical beauty often peaks in their twenties, while the beauty of a Godly, responsible woman grows more beautiful with each decade.

I remember when I was in my forties and all of you were in your teens and early twenties, feeling that I was becoming outdated and not needed much anymore. I became insecure because my outward beauty was beginning to fade. Then some tough relational issues came up in our family and I learned that I was needed – to provide encouragement, love, forgiveness and faithfulness. Since then the Lord has shown me that outer beauty is fleeting, and that as mature women our goal should be to grow more beautiful in our spirit. This beauty can only come from the Spirit of God as He teaches us to love. The best ever definition of love is:

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,

Always perseveres.

Love never fails. I Corinthians 13: 4-7

Our greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against us. But their sin never justifies our sin. Jesus tell us to love in the face of evil. I can still remember Grandpa telling me Kill them with kindness. It is a fact that kindness kills strife far more effectively than nagging, complaining, or disrespect. I have known that fact for years, but I am sad to say that I really didn’t start intentionally doing it until about 10 years ago. That’s one of the reasons I’ve starting writing these Musings to you. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I have made in the past. It seems so hard to be kind to someone who isn’t kind to us, but the interesting thing is that God never asks us to do anything that He hasn’t done himself. He forgave us, and showed us great kindness even when we didn’t deserve it. He loved us even when we didn’t love or obey Him, and since we have his Spirit within us we are able to do the same.

I am continually amazed to learn how relevant and practical the Bible is for married people. It’s not a live happily ever after book that pretends no one will ever hurt us. Instead it promises that we will be hurt and wronged, but also gives specific advice to help us respond responsibly. Even if the person who sins against me doesn’t change, I can change. It’s a win-win situation. If we respond out of spite, repaying evil for evil, two things happen – the situation gets worse, and we get bitter and more resentful. But if we repay good for evil, we will grow more responsible, loving, kind and beautiful. The amazing result of following Jesus’ commands is that God can mature you in an unhealthy marriage as well as a healthy marriage.

Gary Thomas has counseled many people, and he says that every divorced person has encouraged him to urge others to spend at least the same amount of time and effort trying to save the marriage as they’ll have to spend coping with the pain, heartache and financial cost of a split.

If we decide to bless our husbands, we will be blessed. Just as IRAs take decades of investing small amounts to produce a good retirement package, so a marriage grows slowly over decades, becoming more beautiful and reaping the benefits of lifelong responsibility and commitment.

If we truly want to influence our husbands, then we need to work hard to become responsible wives. The words “Responsible Wife” may not sound very sexy, and I’m certain that TV producers certainly will not ever film a prime-time TV drama using that phrase, but the concept is important, powerful and life-giving.

Love, Mom

1,000 Gifts

November 18, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

One Sunday in January 2011 my friend, Jolene, came up to me after church and asked if I had heard of the book 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. She simply mentioned that I might enjoy it. Being ever curious about new books I went home and looked it up on Amazon, read the free pages and wept. I ordered it, started reading and was totally consumed. The premise of the book is that God has given us gifts, no, showered us with gifts every day of our lives – but do we see them as gifts and say “Thank you”? Never before had I read someone like Ann who was so vulnerable, sharing with me her insecurities, doubts, anxieties, disappointment with God and her fierce struggle to find joy in everyday living. Immediately I felt a kinship with her and was ready to learn whatever it was that had made her become so honest, bold, and joyful.

As the story goes a friend of Ann’s, knowing her struggle with life, dared her to write a list of a thousand things she loves. Ann started that very day to chronicle the simple gifts of life – jam on toast, the cry of a blue jay, wool sweaters with turtleneck collars. She became surprised by joy that the naming these gifts had created in her. Joy that had eluded her for years had appeared through the simple act of thanksgiving.

So I bought a journal and started writing down gifts, not gifts that I want, but gifts God has already given me. Looking for gifts and writing them down in detail felt like I was on a quest for beauty – something I had never done before. I felt new joy coming over me. I became more aware of the beauty in our home, in the surrounding countryside. I started thanking God for the little things: my ten fingers, the energy to fold Dad’s socks, the tulips that were blooming, melted butter on my broccoli. I found that I couldn’t name just three a day – it became 5, 10, sometimes more – simply because it brought delight that I hadn’t realized I had been missing. It was easy to write down so many good gifts ….for many months.

Then came what Ann calls “the hard Eucharisteo” (the Greek word for thanks). My health started declining and I was forced to quit my job teaching music at school. I didn’t want to give thanks for that because I was angry that my body wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do. I cried, prayed for healing, and fell into the pit of despair. Finally, in the midst of my anger and disappointment, simply out of obedience to God, I haltingly started to give thanks for stuff I didn’t like. As Ann points out, but what I was not yet ready to accept, is that God is able to use the hard things in life for our good and growth.

I read 1,000 Gifts again to reinforce what I had been learning, to remember, because I found that I have “soul amnesia” as Ann call it. How easy it is to slip down into the hole of self-pity when illness strikes. When I finished reading the book a third time, I read it again – I had to for survival. Oftentimes I would thank God for what was happening to me though I was merely saying the words in faith. I did not feel the least bit thankful. Through many sleepless, tear drenched nights I knew in my intellect that I could trust Him, but my heart was screaming that perhaps He couldn’t be trusted. I hated it that I didn’t understand what was happening to my body. I didn’t like the chronic fatigue that defined my life.

In the midst of all this, Dad was there. I know God was there too, but I think he used Dad to comfort me in my sorrow, listen to my wonderings and anger against God, and hold me when I was sobbing. Because of his love and care for me I learned to love him more than I ever have. Just a few years ago I would have been angry that Dad didn’t have words for me. I wanted answers. But he was wise enough to simply listen and share my grief. I learned to be thankful for his presence, our simply being together. Slowly, oh so slowly, I am gaining strength and I am able to give thanks even in this time of life that I would have never scripted for myself.

Through it all I have to believe that God is good even though life is not going how I would like. He comforts me with these words. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever.

Love, Mom

The Helper

November 12, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

God made it quite evident during Creation that He had a purpose in mind when He created Eve – “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Gen. 2:18) This is the reason God created woman – to be a helper to her husband. Some women find this to be demeaning, but if that is the case, does the Bible demean God when it describes Him as our helper? I was surprised to read the following verses describing God: The Lord is your shield and helper (Deut. 33:29) The Lord is with me; he is my helper (Psalm 118:7). As Gary Thomas in Sacred Influence points out, Genesis pictures a man created with an acute vulnerability. He is clearly not self-sufficient; he needs someone to come alongside him. Adam, and every man after him is “made for fellowship, not power; he will not live until he loves, giving himself away to another on his own level.”

So, being our husband’s helper is our high calling. It assumes, in one sense, that we have something that the person we are helping lacks. When we entered into marriage, we agreed to forsake our “me-first,” single-orientated worldview and build a couple. Helping takes on different forms in every marriage, but it always serves the other person’s good.

On a side note, we were created to be our man’s helper – not our children’s mother. Certainly we are to care for and nurture our children, but that love is always supposed to flow out of a lifestyle that is first and foremost committed to helping our husbands. I must say that when Dad and I first started having children, caring for them became my main focus, but it shouldn’t have. Many of our conflicts arose because I did not include dad in the child-rearing part of our marriage. I just thought I could handle it all myself – which oftentimes left dad out in the cold. Thankfully, God gradually turned that around, and I was able to put things in their proper place – which made for a much better marriage and family life.

The next section of the chapter entitled “The Helper” deals with submission, which in today’s world can evoke many negative responses. But in Ephesians, Paul writes that all of us are to “submit to each other out of reverence for Christ.” The wife’s submission to her husband gets placed in the context in which a husband is called to be like Christ – laying down his life for his wife, loving her, serving her, just like Christ loved us enough to die for us.

It is interesting that Jesus submitted to his parents. Here he was, the Creator of the universe, submitting to two human creatures, not because they were somehow more worthy than he, but because this is what his heavenly Father asked of him. So, submission is not determined by the worthiness of the other person, but out of reverence for Christ. We can assume that we will have to watch our husbands fail and make mistakes. And when they do fail, that is when they need our encouragement the most, not our criticisms.

The famous feminist, Laura Doyle, shocked some of her peers in 1999 when she released The Surrendered Wife. In her book, Laura admitted that she was unhappy in her marriage, so she talked to some other men and asked what they wanted in their wives. Then she started putting into practice what these other men had told her. She stopped nagging, cut out the complaints and criticisms, and started letting him lead in important decisions. When she treated him that way, he became a “fabulous” husband. I found the same thing when I first realized that I had been trying to change Dad all those years. When I simply started praying for him, stop the criticisms, and started encouraging, he became a much better husband, and I became a much happier wife. It’s when we give ourselves in sacrificial love that we become more spiritually mature. When we put our husband’s needs before our own, this is truly when we become fulfilled. It’s the opposite of what the world teaches, but then again, isn’t everything in the Bible opposite of what the world teaches?

The last question of the chapter challenges us that if we really want to move our man to become the best he can be, begin every day by praying this prayer: “Lord, how can I help my husband today?”

Love, Mom

Loving a Wounded Man

November 3, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There was once a family pet toy poodle that loved to chase cars. One afternoon she finally caught one and got injured. Her owner ran out to the road to retrieve the dog, and that little poodle became a monster. Frenzied with fear and pain, the dog kept biting her owner as he gathered her into his arms. He had tried to help her, to bring her healing, but the pain so overwhelmed her that she bit the hands that were trying to nurture her.

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence, tells this story because our husbands can be like that. Every man has been wounded in some way – maybe you married a deeply wounded man. Sometimes hurting men bite, and sometimes they bite the very hands that are trying to bring healing. But we need to patiently pray for long-term change – nurturing him instead of resenting and condemning him. We need to think of marriage as a marathon, not as a 100-yard dash. Human beings are complex and it takes time for trust to be earned.

Give your husband the benefit of the doubt.

It’s so easy to stew over our husband’s relational shortcomings – “why won’t he talk to me, why doesn’t he seem to care?” But the fact may be that he is simply incompetent – he just honestly doesn’t know what you need, or what he’s supposed to do.

There is a myth out there that if your husband really loves you, he’ll be able to read your mind and know exactly what to do to please you. But the fact is that we need to be direct in our speaking, in what we need (not just want). Love is a commitment and a choice – not telepathy.

Respect the position even when you disagree with the person.

God calls wives to respect their husbands (Eph. 5:33) It doesn’t say for wives to respect perfect husbands, or even great husbands, it simply says to respect your husband. That’s been a big problem for me. I’ve always thought that my opinion was the best opinion, and if Dad didn’t agree – well, the conversation was over. I think I felt like he was rejecting me as a person when he didn’t agree with me, but I had to learn that he still loved me, he just didn’t agree with every opinion I had. I needed to learn to respect him and his opinion even when it was different than mine.

Give him the same grace that God gives you.

Because Jesus Christ has given us forgiveness and grace, He wants us to give the same to our husbands. It takes great spiritual maturity to offer grace, love, and mercy – giving the same benefits that we ourselves have received from God our Father. Think back and remember how much God has done for you – he’s seen every wicked act you’ve ever committed, heard every bit of gossip you have passed on, noticed every ugly hateful thought you have had – and yet He still loves you. And now comes the hard part – will we give our husbands what God has given us?

Form your heart through prayer.

Practice praying positive prayers for your husband. Find several things that he does really well and start thanking God for them. Prayers of thankfulness literally form our soul. One session of thankfulness is not nearly enough, it has to be done every day – steady and persistent.

Drop unrealistic expectations.

Your husband will not meet all your needs, only your Creator can do that. Ruth Graham (Billy’s wife) said it this way. “I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her what only Jesus Christ can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding…tender and loving, anticipating every need. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain.”

Whew! Lots of good things to do, but the most important of all is

Forming your heart through prayer.

We simply cannot love without God’s help, and we can’t change overnight. God will give you the grace to do what he wants you to do today. And then there will be a fresh batch of grace for you tomorrow. Every day I pray for all of you my daughters, that your marriages will grow in love and trust more and more as we continue to learn how to love as Jesus loves.

Love, Mom

Month: November 2014

The Glory of Faithfulness

1,000 Gifts

The Helper

Loving a Wounded Man

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