Month: December 2014

Your Past ≠ Your Future

December 31, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

August 2012

Dear Daughters,

Since I had to quit teaching school six months ago I haven’t written you girls because I have been listless and unable to do much. Thankfully I’m still able to teach piano and take care of the house, but even that’s been a stretch.

In the past year or so I’ve been listening to a lot of Joyce Meyer on CD. A friend gave me her library of Joyce’s CD’s and she has been an excellent teacher and encourager for me in these months that have been so difficult and lonely. She teaches on many different subjects but the one that has influenced me the most has been The Battlefield of the Mind. I recently finished Joyce’s book by that name, so I have decided to use some of it as my focus for the next while.

As you remember from the Old Testament, when the Israelites left Egypt after 400 years of slavery they wandered in the desert for 40 years before entering the promised land of Canaan. What I had never known before is this: If they had just gone straight across the desert it would have taken only eleven days. So…why all the 40 years of wandering? It’s something Joyce calls “Wilderness Mentalities.” I knew that a big reason for their wanderings was their constant grumbling and complaining, but Joyce has studied the travels and attitudes of the Israelites and has come up with “Seven Wilderness Mentalities.” Seven reasons why they continued to wander for 40 years. Surprisingly enough, we still struggle with these very same mentalities thousands of years later. I used to think that I was a bit more advanced in my thinking than those silly Israelites who never seemed to learn, but the more I studied these mentalities the more I realized that I’m really not much different than they were, even though I have their story to learn from.

Wilderness Mentality #1 is “My future is determined by my past and my present.” All the Israelites had ever known was bondage in Egypt. They had no positive vision for their lives. As Proverbs 29:18 says “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” They knew their history as slaves, living under harsh taskmasters, and could not fathom their lives being any different. The same is true for us. We know where we have been in our marriage, the annoyances, the playback of past hurts, dashed dreams of the ideals we had for our marriage. Our adversary often feeds us the lie “Your marriage will always be like this, nothing will ever change, don’t even try.”

Anyway, back to the Israelites who grumbled and deplored their situation, accusing Moses and Aaron for their circumstances. The Israelites got free food falling from the sky every morning, their clothes and shoes never wore out, continuously they saw the cloud above leading them throughout the desert, yet still they complained. They were never thankful for how God miraculously provided, but always critical – nothing was ever good enough, negative words all the time. They simply did not trust that God loved them enough to take care of them. My, how familiar it all sounds.

We need to get a new mindset and believe that with God all things are possible (Luke 18:27). Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a rose to bloom without sunshine and water. Yes, we all lose heart in our marriage now and then; it’s a battle to keep on loving, keep on forgiving. I remember several times just wanting to walk away, give up, call it quits. But I didn’t. I made another meal, washed another load of clothes, prayed, listened and talked with Dad, asked God for help to love when I could not.

Memories are hard to forget, especially memories of how your husband has offended you, embarrassed you, hurt you. As you all know Dad has offended, embarrassed and hurt me, and of course I have done all those things to him as well (I will spare you the details). But what has happened in your marriage previously is not a prediction of what will happen in the future. It’s not too late and it isn’t too hard because with God all things are possible. He makes all things new if we simply allow Him to help us. You may think that you are both too set in your ways to change and have a good marriage but remember the only one you are responsible to change is yourself. Marriage is not about your happiness, but about you becoming more like Jesus. Then He will do the unexpected, as you trust Him for those quiet miracles.

There’s a song I sing every morning before I get out of bed – out of necessity – because I know I can’t do life on my own.

Lord, I offer my life to you

Everything I’ve been through, use it for your glory,

Lord, I offer my days to you, all of my praise to you

As a pleasing sacrifice, Lord I offer you my life.

What do I have that you have not given?

And what do I have that is not already yours?

You are the one who makes life worth living

And that’s why I come to you Lord.

~ Claire Cloninger

Love,

Mom

All Is Well

December 24, 2014 / Shari Baar / 3 Comments

December 22, 2014

Dear Daughters,

We are far away from all of you this year so I am taking time to remember all the years we were together, just you four daughters, Dad and I. After dinner during the Advent season we would always light a single candle or more and sing Christmas carols together. Even though there may have been misunderstandings, faulty communication and hurts during the day, the singing would somehow make things better, peaceful and good. How those memories have flooded over me this season.

Then came the memories years later when our family was growing – boyfriends, husbands, babies. One memorable Christmas Eve as we were all together there were hurtful words, tears, struggles to understand, brokenness and pain. That night was not what any of us had hoped for or could have predicted. The next morning, Christmas Day, you four girls were scheduled to sing during the worship service. As the evening wore on and we were waiting for understanding and forgiveness, one of the sons-in-law asked what song we were planning to sing. All Is Well was my reply. He said “I think The Old Rugged Cross would be more appropriate at this point.” Personally, I was ready to cancel Christmas altogether. After all the careful planning, meal preparation and hopes of a Silent Night, Holy Night, it had turned into a Painful Night, Tearful Night. I was in no mood to sing, and especially not All Is Well because all was certainly not well in our home that night. But in the midst of the sadness, the heartache that comes with our brokenness, God was there.

It was almost midnight when you girls and I walked over to the empty church building and practiced All Is Well. You sang, I accompanied on the piano and as we practiced, somewhat mechanically, I felt the Spirit of God hovering among us, silently, gently, almost imperceptibly. Hope grew in my heart – that relationships would be restored and love would continue. Exhausted, yet at peace we went home to sleep. The next morning dawned and we quietly gathered ourselves together. We worshiped in faith, still bruised and weary, but we worshiped and sang All Is Well.

Since that time I have pondered many times the fact that all is indeed well, always, whether life is peaceful or whether there is strain. The fact is, Immanuel, God is with us. He’s there in our hard times, he’s there in our joyful times. He never leaves us. He’s working to continually restore relationships and bring reconciliation to those who are willing to forgive.

A Hallmark Christmas ours was not that year, but we learned once again that Jesus came for us, came for families like ours who battle, disagree and hurt each other. He came so that we could be made new, so that we could learn to love and be faithful, so that we could learn to humble ourselves and forgive.

Now, many years later, we are in Idaho and again among families that have battle scars, yet still we sing. On these dark and cold advent nights we are practicing the same tradition with Grandpa and Grandma that we did with you girls so long ago. We light the candles and sing carols, a new tradition for them. Their voices quaver and are not quite as in tune as they used to be. When we go down the scale on Away in A Manger Grandpa goes up and we meet somewhere in the middle, but it is still peaceful and good.

All Is Well.

Love, Mom

Men and Metal

December 17, 2014 / Shari Baar / 1 Comment

Dear Daughters,

Have you noticed that many guys have a love relationship with their trucks or cars? Men are often attached to the metal in their lives that is dependable and comfortable. Michael Gurian, who has studied extensively about the brain differences between boys and girls describes the brain biology behind this love of vehicles. “There is a biological tendency for men to seek a set of care objects that allow for brain rest and the pleasure of independent relationship without the stimulation of emotional conversation. A car is, not surprisingly, an object of choice for many men.”

Gary Thomas tells how he bonded with his work truck one summer – it was dependable, comfortable and gave him brain rest. “A car takes me where I want to go without asking me how I’m feeling. A car lets me yell at other drivers without saying ‘why are you so upset?’ My car is absolutely clear about its needs. I know if the gas tank is full, half empty, or almost completely empty. My car would never respond to my inquiry about how much gas remained in its tank with the words ‘You should know without me having to tell you.’” In short, a car lets a man’s brain rest.

We too need to let our husbands rest. He will not always want to talk when you do You will need to be patient and wait for your husband to give more of himself to you. A good healthy marriage happens by degrees. That’s why God created marriage to last a lifetime.

This man of yours is complex – he probably hardly knows himself – and it will take years to find the mystery, the beauty, the delight of who he is, not who you want him to be. If you are patient, if you resist the urge to try to force him into intimacy things will go much better for you in the long run. Let him have times of silence, some times of being alone.

I continue to revel in the fact that God deliberately created male and female radically different and it causes me to stand in amazement of His good plan. I think He must delight in those who continue to seek to be faithful and understand even in the midst of misunderstandings and thinking I must have been crazy to have married this guy.

Don’t expect to understand him. The bottom line is that we don’t have to be able to understand our husbands before we can love them. There are some things about them that will never make any sense, and just maybe they’re thinking the same thing about us.

I have learned that when something – anything – annoys me, the real problem is my annoyance. I used to think that I needed to change what bothered me, but I have finally come to realize that the problem is simply that I allow myself to be bugged by something that is not all that important. It’s my attitude that needs changing, not the circumstance. King Solomon once wrote

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding

holds his tongue.

Try to learn to celebrate the mystery of your man. Be a woman of understanding – learn how and when to communicate in such a way that your husband can fully participate and feel loved and accepted in the process.

You know how IRA’s work, right? You don’t deposit a check this year and expect it to double by next year. The value accrues over time, over a very long time. Mature love is like that. In order to have a good marriage you must be patient and willing to wait for love to blossom and grow. You must invest years, decades, waiting on God, waiting on your man, letting God change you. It takes time to move past romance to true love, committed love, but it is worth every bit of effort you are willing to give.

After 33 years of marriage I feel like I am just starting to know who Dad is. Today he gave me the most wonderful card ever – it said

I’m a better man because of you

and it made me cry. I wish I would have known how to be more patient, more willing to give him his space. For many years I expected him to be like me, but after years of learning, reading, and living, I see that I should have been more celebrative of who he was, not always wanting someone who was different than him. I see now the rewards of what years of faithfulness, commitment, forgiving, and praying for my husband has reaped, and I am thankful!

Love, Mom

North Michigan Cantata

December 10, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

December 8, 2008

Dear Daughters,

Last Sunday night our community choir sang its annual Christmas cantata here at Prosper Church. It was beautiful and I must admit it was fabulous to be able to sing in the choir. It’s the first time ever that I haven’t either directed or played the piano for a cantata and it was quite wonderful to simply sing. Having strong men’s voices behind me was such a treat – the men at Prosper Church really love to sing, and many can read music!

The most memorable aspect of the evening, though, was watching Marjon in the front row. She and Carl had been home for just 2 days after spending ten days in the University of Michigan hospital, and she was exhausted. Carl, of course, was unable to attend the cantata, but there was Marjon. On each side of her were two of their daughters, Carla and Alexandra on one, Erin and Maria the other. During one of the songs Marjon started weeping, which caused the daughters (and me) to weep as well. For a few minutes I wasn’t able to sing, I had to look away and pull myself together so I could finish the cantata.

What I have been reminded about this week is that marriage is not just about falling in love, but about commitment ~ keeping promises. Watching Carl and Marjon during these past weeks has really shown me what true love is. Marjon has cared for, fought and cried for her husband. When Dad and I went to visit Carl at home, he told us about his concern for Marjon and the emotional toll it had taken on her. It is simply amazing to see the love they have for each other. They are outspoken about their trust in God and look to Him for daily strength as well as asking for healing, but more importantly that God’s will be done in the whole situation.

This story is much bigger than just Carl and Marjon, it is affecting many other people in the area. All of our marriages touch countless people. You may not know it but others are watching you. If they see you struggling in your marriage yet continue to be faithful and work through difficult times, it often gives them hope and encouragement to keep on being faithful in their own marriage.

Faithfulness in any situation is a rare thing and a bright light in our world today. When a husband and wife keep their wedding promises for months, years, and decades – people take notice. Our society has made it far too easy to break promises, but when you stay faithful to your vows even though it’s not easy, it gives others hope. We’ll never know the impact of our actions until we reach Heaven, but I know God is smiling when He sees faithfulness.

A few years ago I was flying home from Idaho and sitting next to a single guy. We did the usual chit-chat and then he, noticing my wedding ring, asked how long I had been married. When I replied “35 years” he was quite amazed. Then came his next question “What two words would you say helped you stay in a marriage that long?” After thinking a bit I said “Forgiveness and Promises.”

In light of seeing Carl and Marjon and their family’s love and promises kept, I thank you all my precious daughters for the love you have shown to Dad and I. We pray for you and your families every day. Even though our marriage has been through some tough times, I’m so glad that we kept our promises to each other, because we are now reaping the rewards of commitment that we promised so many years ago.

Love, Mom Joy2

The Male Mind

December 3, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Not long ago, some people argued that there were no innate differences between boys and girls, it was simply a matter of how they were raised. But the last 10 years of neuroscience has disproved this completely. Well before the baby even comes into the world, the brain of a male baby gets bombarded with up to 20 times more testosterone than a female baby. The female brain has much more oxytocin (the bonding, mothering hormone) than does a male. In other words men’s brains simply do not work like a woman’s, something we need to be aware of in order to communicate effectively with them.

Men’s brains also need to rest more than women’s, with the result that men tend to need mental naps more than women. At the end of the day men don’t want plot, story, or character development, they just want escape (buildings blowing up, cars crashing, tires squealing). On the other hand, women have 15 percent more blood flow in their brains, so they often tend to be able to process complex entertainment.

How I wish I would have known this 30 years ago. I could never understand Dad’s love of all the above escaping devices. I remember thinking “Why can’t he just be more like me?” (as if that would be the answer to all our problems) Gary Thomas says “Stop expecting him to act or think like a woman. He can’t do that.” We can’t expect our husbands to talk with us like our sisters, mother, or other female friends. And if we do, we’ll be terribly disappointed.

Give Him Time. Many neurological studies show that men may take up to seven hours longer than women to process complex emotional data. The reason is that men have a smaller hippocampus in the limbic system of the brain (which processes emotional experiences). Also, the bundle of nerves that connects the left and right portions of the brain – allowing the processing of emotions – is about 25 % smaller in men than in women. So………if you have a disagreement just after breakfast and you take about 15 minutes to understand why you feel so angry, remember that your husband may not get to that point until dinnertime! We usually don’t want to wait that long so we push for getting the emotions and feelings out right away, but we need to give him time.

There is a story about one woman who insisted on talking things out before she and her husband went to sleep. He wanted to have more time to think about what he was going to say, which she refused. Then he infuriated her even more by falling asleep in the middle of the conversation. I guess the bottom line is to remember that men are just not as efficient as woman in processing emotional data, and for us to be patient.

One helpful suggestion is to learn how to bring subjects up without attacking our husbands. Most men are willing to discuss something, given some advance warning, and without feeling like they are being blamed for something they did wrong, which brings us up to the next subject:

Stonewalling Stonewalling describes how men may shut down emotionally and verbally, ignoring you and basically withdrawing from the conversation. Most men don’t immediately like to talk through distressing emotional events (frustrations at work or other relationships) simply because it brings them pain. It can actually bring physical pain for them to talk through hurtful experiences.

Because of the way the female brain works, talking through emotional issues has a calming effect, while the opposite is true for most men. When we understand that a verbal barrage takes more out of your husband than it does out of you, and that it takes longer for him to recover from such an exchange, we may begin to realize that criticizing, complaining, and displaying contempt will not allow us to properly communicate with our man. A good reminder is Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath.

When a husband is constantly criticized, blamed or is treated harshly by a wife, it almost always causes him to shut down. Finally I am beginning to understand why Dad wouldn’t talk to me the way I wanted in our early years. I was not patient, kind or gentle. I wanted him to talk when I wanted to talk, which was usually immediately. Plus I thought my opinions were better than his when it came to emotional stuff, so I wanted him to listen and agree with me. So, naturally he would stonewall – often because of the manner in which I would approach problems.

After all these years I am learning to wait and pray for wisdom about when to bring up certain subjects. It may be days after a situation happened, and the amazing thing is that sometimes I don’t even need to broach certain topics. I find that when I lean on God more and seek His timing, the Holy Spirit does His work so my work is less.

Remember, we are to allow God to change us so that He can be free to do the work that needs to be done in our husbands.

Love, Mom

Month: December 2014

Your Past ≠ Your Future

All Is Well

Men and Metal

North Michigan Cantata

The Male Mind

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