Musings on Marriage

Month: May 2015

Disruptions

 

The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones

is how you use them.  ~ Unknown

Dear Daughters,

Disruptions.

It’s a word no one likes, but it’s a reality of life.  You know how you may have a day planned, a picnic scheduled, a vacation intended, a wonderful life that you imagined, a marriage you had hoped for.  And then something comes up to disrupt your plans.  Sometimes it’s a physical ailment, other times the rain comes when you’d rather it wouldn’t, a car accident, postponed flights, people who don’t agree with your ideas.

When Dad and I married 39 years ago I had my long-range plan in place – to live a peaceful yet challenging life on a dairy in Idaho. Cows As you know, only four years later my nostalgic plans were disrupted when Dad answered the call to move to Michigan to go to school so he could become a pastor.  This was not how I expected my life to unfold.

After living in four different states and 10 different cities, disruptions have become a way of life for us.  They have not become any easier, but we have grown accustomed to meeting and getting to know new people again and again.Stop (2)

We are often offended by disruptions.  Schedules and busyness can become addictive, making us feel like we are in control of our life.  We bring the kids to soccer practice, make sure there are clean clothes for tomorrow so we don’t have to dig some out of the hamper, try to have something edible on the table for dinner, get the homework done, try to have a little quality time with our husband….and the list goes on.

If you remember Bilbo Baggins the Hobbit, he was a person whose life was completely disrupted without his permission.  He was called on a journey that he was not prepared for, didn’t sign up for, never remotely volunteered for, and really was not at all interested.  But Gandalf came, brought him some friends and comrades and off they went into unknown, uncharted territory.  In the end, Bilbo grew up.  He did things he never thought himself as being capable to do.  He became courageous, brave, bold, daring and creative.Stones (5)

Or think of Dorothy.  She too was taken on an adventure unexpectedly because of the tornado.  She had not chosen to be carried in her dream to the land of Oz, but once there she made friends with Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man.  On her journey with them she learned compassion, bravery, how to stand up to become a warrior and a leader.

When God disrupts our lives with whatever circumstances he chooses to use, we are not usually too grateful.  We would prefer to order our own lives, follow our five-year, maybe ten-year plan for our life.  We like to be comfortable, doing things that make us happy.  However, God wants us to learn to love others as we love ourselves.IMG_20150527_161050636

I was so surprised 10 years ago when I read Victory over the Darkness by Neil Anderson and learned that God’s basic goal for my life is character development: being and becoming the person God wants me to be.

Really?  That’s it?  It sounded too simplistic.  I thought it was doing all the right stuff, being a fairly good wife and mother, teaching all my students to sing and play the piano.

Yes, those things are important, but the bottom line is that God wants you to become more loving, patient, joyful, peaceful, faithful and kind.  Nobody on earth can keep you from becoming that kind of person. That’s precisely why there are distractions, disappointments, trials and disruptions in our lives.  We often interpret the hardships in our lives as “Why is God mad at me?”  Instead we need to see them as “God loves me enough to mature me.”Stones (8)

Helen Keller, the woman who was both blind and deaf, wrote: “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.  Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision-cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

So, we have a choice.  We can choose to see our tribulations as stumbling blocks, get angry about them, whine and complain about them.  Or we can accept disruptions as stepping stones and embrace the changes and challenges that come into our lives, knowing that Jesus will use these incidents to grow us up.Stones (4)

I don’t know of any parent who wants to keep their children in diapers.  We want our own children to mature, and God is our Heavenly Father wanting maturity for us as well.

A recent minor disruption in my life came a few weeks ago.  Grandma was at the podiatrist and was diagnosed with a toenail and foot fungus.  The cure is an anti-fungal lotion to be put on twice a day for months.  My first inclination was not “Oh boy, now I can better learn how to love and serve my mom.”  Nope, I will be honest and admit that I was grossed out.  But as I have been faithful in fighting the fungus I am learning to love her more.  She doesn’t remember much these days, but she does remember the pleasant foot massage that comes along with the anti-fungus cream.

God uses disruptions, whether in marriage or other relationships, as a potter’s wheel.  We need to remember that He is the potter, we are the clay.  He is the one shaping and molding us.Orange (2)

Let God mold you, shape you into His image.  For each person the specific story of circumstances will be different, but the Larger Story is always the same.  “The goal of our instruction is love.”  (I Timothy 1:5)  Accept what God allows into your lives with an open hand, willing to see how He wants to teach you how to love.  He loves you dearly and is walking with you every day, teaching and encouraging you in every disruption that comes your way.

Love, Mom

 

 

Buds and Blooms

Dear Daughters,            

Grandpa has the most beautiful array of flowers in his garden.  In early spring we had yellow daffodils, later on there were pink, white and purple hyacinths.  Then came the tulips, tall ones, short ones – yellow, white, yellowish-orange and red.  Lilies and irises bloomed about the same time, some with ruffled petals, others as smooth and soft as velvet.  All these flowers were those that I had seen over the years in various places around the country.Dew I will admit right now that in the past I really haven’t had much of an interest in flowers.

If you remember, many years ago I always sent you girls to go water the flowers that were outside around the house.  Flowers in general seemed to just be a superfluous part of life that I could do without.  Watering the flora simply seemed to be another thing to do, and I had enough on my lengthy to do list.  (My sincere apologies to my friends at the Weesies Plant Farm in Michigan).

Now that I am gaining in years, however, I have come to appreciate more and more the splendor of the variety and creativity of God in the world of flowers. The most intriguing flower right now in Grandpa’s garden is the paparer orientale or the Oriental Poppy.  Since I had never seen his garden in the spring I had no idea what that ugly plant was. Poppies When I first saw the bush I thought it was a big weed.  Then I noticed numerous buds forming.  For weeks we watched the buds grow bigger and at last they have started to open.  First there was just one delicate papery flower.  Several days later a few more appeared.  Today there were seven vibrant red-orange flowers, with about 40 buds still tightly closed but soon ready to blossom.

Poppy (9) I Googled the Oriental Poppy and found some interesting facts about this fascinating flower.  Poppies typically bloom in the spring and early summer, but by July and August the heat is too much for their delicate foliage and they go dormant.  They may look dead, but they are not.  In the winter the green plants will not grow, but neither will they die.  There is a lot of action going on in the soil, much growth in the roots of the plants during the hot summer and the cold winter, although there is nothing at all to see with our eyes.Poppy (8)

You may be wondering what Poppies – known for their rich opium content – have to do with marriage.

Poppies, among millions of other plants and flowers are perennials, meaning that you don’t have to plant them year after year.  Like daisies, hostas, lavender, peonies, grasses, peppermint, tarragon, roses and many others, they simply lie dormant over the winter.

Amazingly, they survive below zero weather, blizzards, and many harsh weather conditions.  Yet in the springtime they unfurl their prickly leaves, new growth appears from what seems like dead dirt and the miracle of buds and blooms begins again. Poppies (3)

There have been many times when our marriage had dormant times.  There have been blizzards, below zero as well as scalding temps, and many other harsh conditions in our relationship.  Disappointments in each other, disagreements over trivial as well as serious issues.  Sometimes it seemed as if there was no hope. For a season, sometimes weeks, other times months, there would be quiet.  Words weren’t there.  We went through the motions of being a married couple, doing our day to day activities, but really not connecting.

I’m sure all of you have experienced the same.

That initial spark of love seemed to have disappeared; it went dormant for a time.  The winter winds blew, yet we continued to hang on to the thread of hope that love could continue to grow and bloom. During these times both Dad and I, not knowing it at the time, were driven to put down deeper roots in our relationship with God.  So even though we as a couple did not seem to be growing by talking about our relationship, we were able to circumvent our marriage by going to the Master Gardener of marriages.  As we put our roots down deeper with Him we were able to love and accept each other even though we are so opposite in many areas.Rose (2) And then came spring.  Buds began to appear, first one, then another, finally more and more.  Still no blooms, but at least there were buds, the embryo, the beginning of beauty to come.  We trusted the Master Gardener to do the work that no human couple can do on their own, the work of knitting two souls together who had previously become unraveled.

I was thinking the other day about the ups and downs of marriage.  Some days Dad and I seem to be as one person, laughing at our past, delighting in life here in Idaho, enjoying a scrumptious meal together, sharing both the hilarious and challenging moments of living with Grandpa and Grandma.

Other days, all I can see are the hurts from the past, remembrances of years gone by. It is a choice I make to continually forgive, replace the difficult memories with those of grace and love.  Then the blooms come once again, one by one, growing more beautiful every year.

Pink (9) I pray that you too will choose to allow your roots to grow down deeper into God so that he can teach you how to love like He loves, forgive like He forgives, and show grace and mercy so that your relationship will bloom and you will continually have hope that spring will come again and again in your marriage.

Love, Mom

Everywhere we look God is speaking to us.

His creation is singing to us.

The heavens are shouting it out. 

It’s not what it looks like!

There is hope beyond the walls of this world!

~Sally Lloyd-Jones

Silence                

Thirty-Nine Years

Dear Daughters,

Today Dad and I celebrate our 39th anniversary.  Married in the year of our nation’s Bicentennial, we look in awe at the path on which we have been led.  The years have been beautifully landscaped by God, with tall grand mountains alongside yawning dark valleys.  There have been roses as well as thorns, dry barren years turning into deep lush times of harvest.

WAMount2 And the two shall become one… (Genesis 2:24). 

At humanity’s beginning God spoke those words.  Six short words, so easy to say, so easy to write, not so easy to do. Often we assume that the sentence merely means a physical union of marriage, but it is so much more than that.  How do two people, thinking that they love each other, really become one in emotion, in their spirituality, in their physical being?

It truly takes a lifetime of learning to trust, learning to love someone who has many flaws, sins, and shortcomings – just like you and I.  The wisdom and courage to forgive, learning to give God the things that are His, like your expectations of what you want your marriage to be like.  He is the wise, artistic genius who created us and invented marriage, so we can certainly trust Him to enter into our marriages.   We can have the confidence that He will lead and guide us, changing and transforming our characters so we can have the marriage that both He and we desire.

Chair Dad and I have been in Idaho now for nearly six months and have missed you terribly.  After enjoying our time with all of you and your families last week, I know that all these 39 years have been worth the effort, worth all the blood, sweat, and tears.  Of course I knew it before we left, but the sweetness of being together again solidified the gratitude I have for our family.

In the past there have been times when I wanted to check out of marriage and mothering when things got hard.  I’m sure all of you have been tempted to run away as well.  But I have found that when times get hard, the best thing to do is to burrow deeper into God’s vast ocean of love and mercy.  As I look back, I see that my disappointments in marriage have driven me to a deeper intimacy with God.Trillium (2)

As we were on the way back from Chicago we saw the most beautiful sunset from above the clouds.   We were just flying out of a storm.  The sun was fiery orange-red with banks of billowing clouds almost totally surrounding it – you know those clouds that nearly look like grayish-white bubbles sitting on top of each other?  And there was the sun peeking through, creating a gorgeous end to the day.  Even the flight attendants were exclaiming about the incredible beauty.

As I thought about relationships, and marriage in particular, it seems that oftentimes the greatest splendor comes after a storm –   after a fight, misunderstanding, or any other kind of relational mishap.  When there are apologies given and forgiveness accepted there is beauty, restoration and peace, but most of all hope.  Hope that God can bring beauty from ashes, gladness instead of mourning, and gratitude instead of despair.

You remember the wizened, aged woman who came in and chided us the night we were all at the pool in Chicago?  I’ve been thinking about her lately.  When she first came in the pool area she beckoned me with her gnarled finger and as I walked over to her she started scolding.  She was disgusted with all the water that had been splashed around the pool, the mess of towels hanging on chairs, incensed that there was so much laugher and commotion going on, angry that there were children having fun in the pool – and all this at the young hour of 7:00 p.m.Maelyn

The reason?

I wonder if it was because she didn’t have a family, had no joy, no celebrating a new birth, no pleasure in seeing little children squeal in delight when they watch their uncle do funny flips into the water.  She had come at her appointed time – for 36 years she said – and expected to find a lonely, solitary pool waiting for her to swim and enjoy peace, alone.

I’ve been praying for that woman, praying that she might find some bit of pleasure in younger people, praying that she might learn to rejoice with those who rejoice.  That she might learn to smile instead of frown, to laugh instead of squelching joy.   One is the loneliest number and I pity those who decline to become a part of a family because it’s just too hard or simply inconvenient.  Or perhaps simply given up because of the hurt that sometimes comes from family.James

Yes, family is messy, unpredictable, chaotic, sometimes driving us crazy, and yet during other times leaning hard on each other.  I thank God for all of you, our daughters, for encouraging Dad and me to persevere and for the joy that comes from being your parents.

Each one of you is going through God’s refining fire in your own lives.  You all have your own stories of pain and joy, and I am proud that you are open to His work in your lives, even though it is not easy or what you would ever have chosen for yourselves. I pray that you will learn to thank God more and more for the man that He has entrusted you with.  I know there are some days that you may feel like you have made a mistake in marrying your husband, but the best husband for you is the one you have right now.

You really have no idea what depths of companionship are available until you venture into those waters, and hang in there for many years.  Besides, your own transformation is barely underway.  Who knows all that God has in store for the both of you?  ~ John Eldredge in Love and War

Mums (5)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would venture to say that at 39 years we are barely beginning to understand.

Love, Mom

 

 

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