Musings on Marriage

Month: June 2015

Tied to the Mast

Dear Daughters,

It was a cloudless, beautiful evening in Seattle aboard the MV Skansonia, a retired ferry on Union Lake.  Parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles, cousins and friends of Chris and Julia came thousands of miles to witness a 30 minute ceremony of words, watch them exchange a bit of metal and stone, rejoice with a little music and square dancing, feast on scrumptious food.IMG_20150614_183536093

A wedding, the celebration of the beginning of a marriage, is a time for joyous celebration.  Promises made, all of us looking on, cheering, smiling, remembering earlier wedding ceremonies of our own.

When all the bridesmaids, groomsmen, parents and favorite dog processed to their places, Chris stood next to the pastor, his face eager with anticipation to see his beautiful bride.  The look of pure joy and desire on both Chris and Julia’s faces was priceless. DSCN1939

After the vows were promised and the rings exchanged, the parents encircled the newly married couple, hands clasped and praying for them during the song Be Thou My Vision.

VisionDSCN1981

Ever since I turned 40, my eyes have not focused as they used to.  I had to buy lenses in order to see clearly.  I could have continued on with no help from the magnifying lens but my life would have been drastically curtailed – unable to read books, music or computer pixels.

In the same way, seeing marriage through the lens of God is truly the best way to make a marriage thrive and grow.  Since God is the inventor/idea maker of marriage, it would only make sense to read what He has to say about this unique institution so we can have His clear vision of the meaning of marriage.DSCN1973

Think about buying a car.  When we purchase something that is completely out of our realm of understanding, it is certainly wise to see what the owner manual says about treating and maintaining our vehicle.

All of us see marriage through distorted lenses of our own experiences.  Some who come from a family with a sound marriage will be shocked at how difficult marriage actually is if our parents dealt with their differences behind closed doors.  Others, having come out of a dysfunctional home, will have little idea of what a healthy nourishing marriage looks like.  In either situation, young lovers will have to deal with selfishness and self-centeredness that is at the core of every human being.DSCN1955

During a short reading from C S Lewis’ Mere Christianity during the wedding ceremony, we were reminded about the difference between romantic love and true committed love.  It’s easy to feel ecstatic, floating-on-clouds emotion for a time, but life-long, unwavering, committed love, especially during difficult times, is what will ultimately lead to mature, selfless, true love.

Love, in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of the feelings but of the will; that state of the will which we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people…IMG_20150614_192601583

Pastor JJ reminded us that marriage is a reflection of God’s love.  When the world sees a sound, committed marriage, the goodness of God is shared with everyone who witnesses such a love.  In our culture today it is a rare delight to see a married couple still enjoying one another after decades of living with each other.

When the Bible speaks of love, it is measured not by how much you want to receive, but how much you are willing to give of yourself to someone.  Marriage is to be a covenant love – seen through the lens of God, a love given with promises.  Too often today, love is seen through the lens of the world and becomes a consumer love – only living to take what it can get for the lowest possible price.DSCN1949

Tim Keller, in The Meaning of Marriage, tells about a story in Greek mythology. There were creatures called Sirens (half bird, half woman) who would lure Ulysses and his men to destruction with their beautiful songs as the men sailed by their island.  Because Ulysses knew of the power of the Sirens and the temporary insanity it would cause him and his men, he instructed the men to plug their ears with wax, tied himself to the mast, and told his men to keep on their course no matter what other instructions he might give. IMG_20150623_204615139

Ulysses was wise in looking and preparing for the future, knowing that temptations would certainly come, and come with a vengeance.  But he also knew that he didn’t want to succumb to the luring voices of the Sirens and be destroyed.

In marriage vows we too declare a mutually binding promise of future love, not merely of the present love that we are feeling.  Our public wedding promises, made before many people, are similar to being Tied to the mast.

I’m quite certain that Chris and Julia will stay Tied to the mast of their promises.  As they partner with God, their love is built on a firm foundation and will weather the many storms that are bound to come.DSCN2032

I thank you, my daughters, for also staying Tied to the Mast of your promises made on your wedding day.  Jesus is doing a beautiful work through those promises.

Love, MomDSCN2042

 

 

You Are My Hiding Place

Dear Daughters,

Every marriage will have storms that descend.  It may start as soon as the honeymoon is over.  Or it may come at the death of a child or a parent, an addiction – pornography, alcohol – or an outright betrayal.  Sometimes it will come when the children grow up and move out, leaving us to wonder who this person is that we’ve been living with for decades.  However the storm comes, it can feel like our world is falling apart at the seams.  The safe haven meant to be a sanctuary for two hearts in marriage may sometimes feel like the least safe place at all.LoveWar (2)

Here in Idaho, wind is commonly a part of the weather forecast.  Just the other night a storm woke me, howling, rattling the windows and throwing up sticks and twigs from the trees surrounding the house.  Looking outside I could see tumbleweeds blowing furiously across the lane, rain pelting the sidewalks and driveway.

Sometimes our lives can feel like that – the forces and circumstances of our worlds seem bent on knocking us to pieces.  We may think that we cannot handle one more thing that goes wrong in our life, and then something else does go wrong.  We tremble with the knowledge that we may not be able to hang on for another hour.Dark

Dad and I are finally at a place that we are unified, most of the time.  Since I have in the past been the Queen of Blame, there are still some days when things go wrong and my mind starts blaming him again.  Old habits die hard.  At times it’s still a challenge to keep sarcastic remarks from flying out of my mouth.  The Evil One is always trying to drive a wedge between us, and of that we can be assured of happening until the day we die.

Today was especially hard for me since I had not fallen asleep until 3 a.m.  When I woke, Dad was his normal jovial self, wanting a big hug and kiss and I was not in the mood.  I just wanted to grouse in my own private corner and have a personal pity party.  I felt like I had a right to be crabby because my insomnia is chronic and my fatigue is constant.  So I grumbled at my sad state of affairs and ignored him.  He wisely left me alone.

When the tempests arise, whatever else may be going on in your marriage, you know that God is working on your transformation, right?  God will use hard times to expose your sin as well as your husband’s.  Instead of simply lamenting the storm, it is always wise to seek God and ask, What do you want to expose, what are you after?  As hard as it will be, try to accept the work that Jesus is doing in your own character.

Why is marriage so hard?  Every one of us is a broken, hurting person, but instead of talking about our pain we often get embarrassed and try to hide it.  Unfortunately, if we don’t deal with our pain it will become hurt and pain to others around us as well.  Hurting people hurt people.

Thankfully Dad just walked away this morning.  He could have taken offense at my attitude and things could have gotten ugly, but he knows me well enough to give me space on days like this.  After a few hours I was able to enter the human race once again, barely.  I talked about my discouragement with my physical condition, he listened and encouraged me, told me he still loved me.  I am continually working on being content whatever the circumstance, but still I fail.Cherry

Marriage has its seasons, there are ebbs and flows.  The writer of Ecclesiastes 3:2-8 says that there is a time for everything…. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance….  There are times when you and your man are close, and other times when you feel like the distance of the chasm between you can be measured in light-years.  That’s normal.  Have patience with yourself and with him.

Jesus tells a story about two houses and how they each fared when the storms hit.

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.  Matthew 7:24-27BrokenHouse

The storms will certainly come, that is a promise.  How we respond to those storms depends on our willingness to trust in God and His ways.  What are those ways and words of His that we need to put into practice?  I love the passage from Colossians:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Corrie ten Boom, the Dutch woman who hid Jews and was sentenced to a Nazi concentration camp because of it, was told by another woman while in prison that the only way a person could survive in the camp was to hate.  Corrie’s reply was “Hate can put you in a worse prison than this.”Candles (2)

Even though love and goodness are difficult, they are the best and most powerful weapons in our arsenal.  When the winds blow and the waters rise we need to return to some very basic truths.

1)  I am loved (Jeremiah 31:3)

2)  I am secure (John 10:28-29)

3)  I am forgiven (Colossians 2:13)

4)  God is with me always and forever (Hebrew 13:4)Pink (7)

Whatever happens, stay close to Jesus.  He is your Rock and your Hiding Place, he is your refuge from the storms that descend.  I cannot guarantee that your marriage will be healed, that the addict will desire to change, that prodigal children will come back any time soon.  But I can assure you that you are deeply and truly loved by your Heavenly Father.  I promise that God is with you and will never, ever abandon you; and I guarantee that you can find peace in the midst of the storm.

Love, Mom

What makes a marriage better is to keep on going through the worst.

~Ann Voskamp

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