Musings on Marriage

Month: September 2015

Nothing is Wasted

Dear Daughters,

Last week Dad and I went to the Hagerman Flea Market on Highway 30, just outside of town. As we were browsing through the canned jams and jellies, t-shirts, and antiques, we came upon Ronda, the designer of many attractive, striking hats.

Since it is often over 100 degrees here in Idaho, I have been looking for a brimmed hat to help me endure the heat. Ronda had displayed various creative hats of all colors and styles. When I asked about them her face lit up and she began to tell me stories about all the different old jeans, woolen shirts, and colored canvas fabrics she had found or been given from her family and friends. She loves to recycle and reuse, so started the hat enterprise Sew Adorable.Hat (10)

I was amazed at every single square inch of jeans that had been used in her hats, the frayed hems, the well-used riveted pockets, even the worn-out flies. Ronda spoke with such affection, telling the stories of fabrics she had used. She encouraged me to touch the rough and scratchy textures of the wool and other piece goods I had never felt before.

Articles of worn out clothing that others would see as trash, Ronda saw something new, attractive and necessary for living in Idaho. Seven of the hats she had made just the night before, she mentioned with pride. She told about Barbara Streisand standing on a ship in the movie Funny Girl, wearing a hat that had been an inspiration for one of her creations. Many other movies gave her encouragement for a wide variety of hats. I listened in awe to her love of sewing and her joy in designing beauty that she and others can enjoy.

I tried on a few cute denim caps but quickly took them off because I was not happy with my large pointy ears sticking out. Ever since high school they have been hidden because our school secretary told me one day, as I was wearing a pony tail, that my ears were not at all attractive and they would be better covered up. Funny how we remember things like that.Hat (3)

Anyway, I found a good large-brimmed hat that fit well and covered my ears. Ronda taught me to roll up certain sides of it to evoke different moods and styles. Not that I do any of that evoking, but it was interesting nonetheless.

As I was walking out with my new purchase, God reminded me that he loves to recycle and reuse as well, making good out of the almost discarded.

There were many days that I felt like my marriage was old and worn out, not worth much and possibly ready to be tossed. There were too many disagreements over raising children, money, movies, food – any subject you can name. On most topics Dad’s and my opinions were the polar opposite of the other’s.

Going into marriage I hadn’t a clue how to talk calmly and resolve a conflict. I would either shut down and grumble in my mind or do the hit and run thing – shouting out what I thought was the right thing to do, then leave the room. I had no idea how to agree to disagree.

I’m sure you remember one night when I came home from teaching piano in Muskegon. It was Dad’s turn to put you all to bed and he did the unthinkable (in my mind). He let you go to bed with wet hair and I flipped out at him, ranting that by morning the pillows would be moldy, there would be fungus growing on your faces and who knows what else. Dad stood there stunned and speechless. Then I walked away.

As I look back on that incident, I’m quite certain that it must have happened on one of my PMS days, but even so it was quite an irrational accusation.Hat (5)

Throughout the years I’ve learned that every conversation ending poorly or well, every time I got angry about insignificant details, was a stepping stone in the process of learning to converse with grace and respect. Of course there will always be disagreements, but they are necessary so we can learn how to resolve conflicts peacefully.

It has taken us many years to learn the skill of stating our opinions, needs and desires calmly and humbly. Of course there are still times when I get riled up about something and do not express myself well, but I’m learning.

As my friend Joyce says:

I’m not where I need to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m OK and I’m on my way.Haat

It takes a lifetime for two strong-willed people to love one another. It takes time to learn what’s really important, to sit down and talk through differences without attacking one another.

In my earlier years I became fixed on my failures, feeling so stupid for things I had done, wishing they could have been deleted. Embarrassment, shame and humiliation, would be heavy on my mind. I would think of those failures as a waste, having no worth at all. Now I see them and other times that I’ve messed up as the means to drive me to Jesus. I simply cannot do life well on my own.

God knows we are going to blow it with our husbands and children. No matter what we say and do, we will be misinterpreted, tempers will flare, words will be shouted in anger….and every one of those sins we commit are opportunity for apologies. Apologies to our husbands and confession to God.

Nothing, nothing is wasted. As Paul says so eloquently:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28Hat (8)

That little word all is so important. It’s not just the inspiring actions we do or the pleasant words we say that God loves. It’s the times when we say the offensive words and do what we don’t want to do, that give us opportunity to humble ourselves. How God loves humility and the restoration of relationships.Hat (12)

Because God looks on your past with mercy and uses all things for your good and your growth, so you can know for certain that nothing in your life is wasted. He makes all things beautiful….in His time.

Love, Mom

 

The Lure of Ashley Madison

Dear Daughters,

Last week Dad read that there were only three zip codes in the United States that had no connection to the Ashley Madison scandal. Two were in Alaska, one in New Mexico. Each town had a population less than 300.

Divorce lawyers are saying that it may be Christmas in September. The truth is revealed, vows have been broken, lies and deceit come out into the open. Many who had made promises in their lives have opted for something different than the love and faithfulness they had vowed.

Why does that make my heart so sad?

It brings to mind the people I have known who have divorced, the children who struggle decades after the split is final. I think of the couples I know who have had affairs and the heartache and despair that comes with betrayal. I have seen how it shatters families for generations to follow, and it grieves me.

Divorce begets divorce. Faithfulness begets faithfulness.Church (2)

I had two neighbors when we lived in Kalamazoo. My neighbor to the east came from a family that didn’t believe in divorce. They fought for faithfulness, worked to love and forgive. Generations ago it started, and so it stays today.

My neighbor to the west, a sweet older woman had been divorced decades ago. Her two children followed her example and also divorced.

They were both my friends, we visited often over the fence, shared tea and life together for the short year we lived there.

As a teacher, I have seen the impact of unfaithfulness on children. Learning becomes more difficult because their head space is filled with grief, guilt and abandonment. Their minds are overflowing with emotional trauma, so have no room for learning. As divorce rates continue to climb in our country, so do the Emotionally Impaired learning groups at school.

Family stability, faithfulness and security are so important to young children. Without it children grow up to be adults who continue to suffer from the fear of abandonment and anxiety that comes when parents betray one another and an adult walks out of their life.

Ashley Madison made it so easy to cheat, one could do it in the quiet of their own homes, discreet and anonymous. At least that was the strategy. Flowers (8)

Lots of people these days despise the Ten Commandments. They seem so constricting, so narrow, old-fashioned. But I find it interesting to read in Romans 13:9-10,

The commandments, `Do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be are summed up in this one rule: `Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

            The reason that God gave us those legendary Ten Commandments can be summed up in one word.

           Love.

It was His love for His people. He knew the heartbreak and hurt that unfaithfulness brings and He wanted His people to be free from that sorrow. He desires that we keep our wedding vows and learn to love.

God also knows that we are incapable on our own to love the same person –  day in and day out, for years, decades, sometimes half a century – without His help. So He stands ready and waiting for us to call on Him for help. How Jesus longs to be invited into your marriage so He can teach you to love, because it certainly does not come naturally.Pine

I think the word love is being confused with warm feelings and emotions in our world today. When the initial glow of marriage wears off, we mistakenly believe that love is gone. It is not gone, it simply needs to mature. And the only way it can mature is through difficult circumstances. Too often people give up as soon as challenging situations arise.

Enter Ashley Madison. Intrigue, secrets, chasing someone new, all have initial exhilaration and excitement, but along with that always comes lots of stress. Let’s face it, whenever we have to keep a secret of such enormity it creates anxiety.

I remember throwing a 50th surprise birthday party for Dad awhile back. People were coming from out of state, reservations had to be made – all under cover and in secret. E-mails had to be deleted, lies had to be told while trying to look like I was telling the truth. It was tough to remember what I told to Dad and what I told to the people coming to the party because, of course, it had to be two different stories.

A friend from many years ago owned a large contracting business building bridges. People would ask him how he could keep so stress free with the high level job that he held. His reply, “I always tell the truth, and then I don’t have to remember what I said.” A very wise and simple statement, but rare in today’s world.

Whenever there are secrets (apart from surprise parties), shame, guilt, and anxiety usually follow. The bottom line of the Ashley Madison mindset is Shhhhhh…..it’s a secret.

As I’ve written before, we have an Enemy of our souls whose goal is to divide, split, and ruin our marriages. Satan delights to see strife, anguish, and bitterness between couples. Make no mistake that the love story of your marriage is set in the midst of a war. Jesus is a reconciler, Satan is a divider. Jesus loves you, Satan hates your very existence and is doing all he can to dissuade you from believing that your marriage is important. Friends (2)

Recently I’ve been reading Preemptive Love by Jeremy Courtney. Jeremy, an American, lives in Iraq with his wife and two children, obeying that simple command of Jesus to love your enemies.

In war, a preemptive strike is based on the assumption that the enemy is planning an imminent attack, so there is a bold attack that hopefully comes before the assumed attack of the enemy.

What if we used preemptive love in our marriages? We know that our Adversary will attack us, tempt us to be discouraged, thinking that nothing will ever change, that we deserve better. So….why not decide to love boldly, seek to reconcile when there are wrongs, and fight with love, which Jesus tells us is stronger than hate?Yellow (9)

The Bible tells us that as we run the race of life, we travel our journey before a great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1). When we face a decision to dismiss our wedding vows to do some married dating, looking for someone superior to who we have, the whole universe waits – angels, demons, our friends and foes, even God himself – and watches with bated breath to see what we will do. The question remains: Will anyone trust the loving heart of the Father to come and transform our marriage, or will we shrink back and follow our emotion of the day?

Always remember that the decisions you make are not just for today, they will affect not only you, but generations to come. It’s easy to dwell only on our own hurt and dissatisfaction with our husbands, but we need to think beyond now and the consequences that our choices will have for those who come after us. Yes, we may have to suffer a little now – love when we don’t feel like it, forgive those irksome quirks, take time to listen to his side of the story, intercede for him, – but it is worth it. You will see.sunset (4)

Love, Mom

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