Musings on Marriage

Month: August 2016

Don’t Drop the Baton

Dear Daughters,

The Olympics are over (sigh).  So I guess I won’t be watching TV for another two years when the Winter Games return. As you know my typical TV viewing is rather rare, but I do love watching the Olympics.

One of my favorite events, next to gymnastics, is the women’s 4 x 100 relay, simply because of the history of team USA.

At Athens in 2004, the USA women’s team failed to pass the baton within the 20- meter exchange zone so was disqualified, no second chance.

During the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, both the USA men’s and women’s relay teams were plagued by baton drops and, of course, were disqualified yet again.

Finally, at the 2012 games in London the American women ran the relay beautifully and captured the Gold Medal.

The 2016 women’s 4 x 100 meter relay was fascinating.  In an unusual race, the Brazilians were disqualified when one of their runners ran into Allyson Felix’s lane during the baton exchange, causing the US to drop the baton and lose the prelims.

Amazingly, the U.S. was given a second chance to qualify for the finals, running the race all alone on the track.  Qualify they did, even though they had to run the finals in lane 1, the least desirable of all lanes.  But…they came back and won the Gold.

Kari (14)

Every one of those women on the earlier disqualified teams were champions in their own right: Marion Jones, Lauren Williams, Allyson Felix, English Gardener….  Yet, it is never one person alone who is able to win a relay.

The clincher is always the handoff of the baton.

All these interesting years of relays got me thinking about a talk that Christine Caine gave a few years back.

Christine mentioned the saddest verse in the Bible, Judges 2:10.  This verse was written at a time in Israeli history when Joshua had just died.  Joshua, the guy who led the army around Jericho and watched the walls fall down.  Joshua, who was in the minority to believe that God would lead them into the promised land.  Joshua, who saw the Red Sea part.  He watched the Jordan River stop flowing long enough to let thousands of Israelites walk through on dry land. He asked God to stop the sun from going down for an extra 24 hours – and it did.   Joshua, who ate the manna and the quail that God miraculously provided for his people for 40 years, saw water come out of a rock, who had an entire book of the Bible named after him, and the stories go on and on.

Yet, just after Joshua died, the next verse says:

After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the Lord, nor what He had done for Israel.

Joshua was an amazing, incredible leader and man of God, but he and the others didn’t pass the baton on to the next generation, the reason this verse is so sad.

How could an entire generation immediately after Joshua, not know the Lord or what He had done for Israel?  They had been children when all those miracles happened, but perhaps it had just become normal to have manna on the ground every morning. It was an everyday occurrence to see victory after victory when Joshua was leading them.

Just like the sprinters in the Olympics, each one of those runners are amazing and incredible in their own right, but when they run a relay the most important act is passing the baton from one runner to the next.Jackfence

We can look at our own lives as a divine relay, not an individual sprint.  Each one of us is gifted and talented, but the most important detail is not only that we run our leg with integrity, but that we pass the baton of faith on to the next generation.  There can be no egos in a relay, unity is the bottom line.

When a sprinter enters the 20-meter hand off zone, the runner coming in must slow down because the runner going out is just accelerating.  We too, in the midst of our individual sprint must slow down and talk to the next generation about Jesus Christ and the larger story in which we live.

This life is not just about us.  We have Jesus and a whole crowd of witnesses cheering us on, encouraging us to model in our everyday lives selfless living, devoting our hearts to our Creator God, and learning to listen for His voice everyday of our life.

We are living in a much bigger story than our day to day frustrations, a bad hair day, annoyances of our husbands, worries about what people think about us.

Every action that puts others first, every prayer we pray for our enemies, every compassionate word of forgiveness that we speak, is working out God’s plan for the ages.  Our words and actions, especially to those younger than us, are how we pass the baton to future generations.

I admit that when I was younger and you girls were at home, I often let my preoccupation with teaching other children take precedence over my teaching to you about the kind and marvelous God we serve.

I sometimes think God has given me a second chance, just as the 4 x 100 relay team was granted another run in order to participate in the finals.

I pray that you will not make that same mistake as I.  Speak to those younger than you about the unending grace of Jesus Christ.  Tell your stories of God’s love and faithfulness in your own lives.  Let them know that even when we fail, He is strong and loves us still.  Let them know that when we think there is no forgiveness for our past, our God is the God of second chances (and third and fourth…)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance, the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who through the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame…so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

Love, Mom

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Blue Shirt

Dear Daughters,

A few months ago I read a short but powerful story entitled Blue ShirtWritten by Steve Spoelhof who is a runner of marathons, the story is about a race he ran last spring.  Apparently he got bogged down physically and mentally at the 21-25 mile range.  Close to exhaustion, he noticed there was a runner in a blue shirt who seemed to be keeping a good steady pace.  So he allowed the guy in the blue shirt to dictate his stride, and was eventually able to persevere and finish the race in good time.

After the race Steve noticed Blue Shirt walking around so he thanked him for being the encouragement that he was during miles 21-25.  Surprisingly, Blue Shirt immediately answered,  Thanks for pulling me through 17-21.  Steve was completely surprised that he could have been an encouragement to another when he was struggling so much himself.

Flowers (9)

 

A few weeks ago a friend told me of a song about marriage by Casting Crowns and encouraged me to listen to it.  I pulled it up on Youtube, amazed by the simple yet profound lyrics of Broken Together.  It’s a song about marriage; honest about the challenges and heartbreaks that go along with those vows we all said so naively.

Words are easy to speak, faithfulness to those same vows in the hard times is not so easy.  The words from the chorus are:

The only way we’ll last forever is broken together. 

I cried when I heard those words sung because it once again reminded me that we are all so broken.  Sometimes I tend to think I am more whole than Dad, that I have to put up with more than he does, but then God quietly and patiently comes and shows me my own brokenness, failings, and pride.  I tearfully admit that I am fragile, needy and on some days, a royal mess .  I have tried to keep those words – broken together –  in the forefront of my mind.

Anniversary + Family 2016-4

Broken together.

It brings us back to a level playing field when I am often tempted to think that perhaps my level of thinking is a bit better than his.   Why is it that we are always so quick to think it’s our husbands’ fault when something is frustrating in our marriages?

Whenever a difference of opinions come up I am eager to edit the argument in my favor.  He was being insensitive to my opinion.  Of course I’m right, how could his even be considered?  How can he not see that mine is the better idea?Anniversary + Family 2016-18

So, you may be wondering why I paired this story and song together.  First of all, I want to thank each one of you – my daughters – for being a Blue Shirt to me during difficult times in my life, especially the last few years.  Many times your phone calls or visits, coming far to us in Idaho,  were exactly what I needed when things looked so dark in my life.  You have pulled me through, encouraged me to keep on going, listening to my heartbreaks and disappointments, while sharing with me your own griefs and victories as we have prayed for each other.

Anniversary + Family 2016-75

Nobody is always the Blue Shirt; instead I think we become Blue Shirts to each other at different times in our lives. 

I have come to enjoy the song Broken Together in a bigger picture than simply marriage.  As members of a family we are also broken together.  We hurt each other, speak before we think, at times annoy each other, and yet many times  bring joy and happiness to one another.

Anniversary + Family 2016-25

Because we are all broken we can never expect to get it right all the time, but to see us as broken and together is indeed a beautiful picture to me.

Love, Mom

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3

 

 

 

 

There Is A Way Things Work

Dear Daughters,

Have you ever noticed that there is a way things work?

When babies are little they love gravity.  I remember you dropping small toys, food, spoons and a variety of other objects from your high chair and watching them with interest.  They always fell down, never up.

When you are driving down an 8% grade you will be using your brakes….a lot.  Even if you don’t believe in gravity, that’s the way it works.  It’s a law of nature and it’s permanent. Sun Valley

In math, 3 + 4 = 7; 7(3 + 11) = 98 and, of course, a million other equations are black and white.  You may not like it, but they are facts and nothing will change it.

There are laws of physics.  I took one semester of college physics which was plenty for me, but I did learn there are natural laws in the universe: the regularity of the ocean tides, the consistent orbits of all the planets. Earth is predictable as the sun comes up every morning, constellations and star clusters can be followed diligently and predictably.    Once in awhile I  become frustrated about the sun being so scheduled – sometimes I would like a day to last longer, sometimes shorter. Kari (24)

                                                                                                        photo by Kari Matthews

 

But, there is a way things work.

When mechanical engineers invent, design and fashion a machine, they send directives along to their customers, which they expect to be used.  I have heard that engineers get quite annoyed when companies don’t use the apparatus according to the directions, then call and complain that something is wrong with the #*&!% machine.

There is a way things work

and if we don’t follow instructions we are destined for anger, irritation and frustration.Shack

I have recently been revisiting a book I read over a decade ago, an old friend of mine: Victory Over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson.  Do you ever do that?  Remember with affection the things you learned and the stories that were within the books you read long ago?

Well…lately I have been in the criticizing mode with Dad and the section that caught my attention was specifically how criticism is not advantageous to a good marriage.

Shocker.

Yes, I have known in my head for years that this is true, yet my mouth sometimes blurts words out that are hurtful, judgmental, and unfair.

I was reminded once again about how it’s not my job to change my husband.  It’s so much easier to keep my eyes on Dad and see the faults that lie within, instead of keeping my eyes on Jesus and seeking to change myself, letting Him do the work that needs to be done in Dad.

Here is a verse that is not well known but should become so:

Who are you to judge the servant of another?  To his own master he stands or falls; and stand he will, for the Lord is able to make him stand.  Romans 14:4

In other words: Get out of the way so God can do his work.  It is not my job to judge Dad’s character or the things he does.  I have no idea (well, I have some) why he does the things that he does, but my opinions are not the important thing here.

I am not responsible for Dad’s character, nor he for mine.  In fact, my only job is:

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.  Philippians 2:3

Now that’s hard to do.Daisies

Rock (2)

Lily (2)

We live in a narcissistic society, taught to look out for our own interests only.  Our culture tells us that marriage is to make me happy.  If my spouse doesn’t agree and try to make me happy, it’s time to find someone else.

Yes, we can choose to live like that but our marriage will certainly crumble and fail.  That’s why the divorce rate is over 50% in our country.

There is a way things work.

On the other hand, God’s way (He is the Creator of marriage, you know) is to humble ourselves and meet the needs of our husbands while we look to God to meet our needs.  As we do that He will shape and mold our character.

There is a way things work.

But that calls for getting our eyes off ourselves.  We need to surrender to our Creator, just like the customers of the engineers need to surrender to the instructions that come with their machines.

Part of our instruction manual (The Bible) tells us that we have an enemy who is diabolically opposed to marriage.  Satan is always out to divide and conquer.  He hates love, he hates forgiveness and apologies and he hates you.  Some of his major strategies are to cause hopelessness (this marriage will never get better), promote blame, and squelch apologies.

This world is not a playground, it is a battlefield.

We must be vigilant in our love, in our dependence on Jesus and in following the instruction manual He has given us.

Lord (2)

Last week you and your families helped Dad and I celebrate our marriage of 40 years.  Forty years of faithfulness, commitment, hurts, anger, sometimes being ready to bail and forget the vows, forgiveness, yet trusting that our mutual love for Jesus would carry us through.

You have seen the hardships we’ve experienced, the anger we have had with each other; you’ve also seen the joy, laughter and love that we have shared.  Because our marriage started with vows to God and each other we were able to stay faithful even in the midst of tumultuous times.

There is a way things work,

and if both partners in a marriage live by God’s principles of love, putting our husbands’ needs before our own and trusting that God will do His good work in His time, marriages will not only last, but also point to and glorify God’s faithfulness.

I am so grateful that all of you have been faithful to your husbands in the good times and bad.  I have listened to your heartbreaks and times of struggle – and there are many – but you have remained faithful and have chosen to do things God way, and for that I give thanks.   Continue to fight the good fight of faith.

Love, Mom

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