Branches and Trees

Musings on Marriage

Month: March 2017

A Curse

March 16, 2017 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Seven months ago Dad and I drove north a few hours and spent three days at a beautiful Bed & Breakfast in Challis, Idaho.  There were gorgeous mountains all around, the Salmon River running through – a place that should bring peace.  But I made it quite miserable for Dad and I because I slept poorly and cried much of the days, saying

I just want to die.

Because of my chronic fatigue, I knew even before we went that I would stay back while Dad went hiking and exploring the deserted mines and  ghost towns.  He would come back a few times a day to check on me – I can’t imagine why – because I was Negative Nellie, lamenting my lot in life, telling him I just wanted to die.

I would get up and walk around now and then, put on my happy face for our hostess, saying how much we loved their ranch.  Then back to the room and depression where I threw a remarkable pity party.

All in all, it was a despondent time for me, which of course affected Dad as well.  I had been thinking those words I just want to die for a while but had never verbalized it.  My life had been becoming more difficult because of Grandma’s decline into severe dementia and I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

A few days after we returned home from the ranch, I was listening to a YouTube talk by Derek Prince.  He was speaking about Blessings and Curses.  He said

Whenever you say the words I just want to die, you are bringing a curse on yourself. 

I was rather shocked because I  figured I was simply expressing my emotions honestly and openly.  But Derek spoke the words from Proverbs 18:21

The tongue can bring death or life: those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

I was convicted that the words I had been repeating were bringing me down and certainly not helping my physical or emotional health.

Derek also taught that in order to combat the curse I had been proclaiming on myself I needed to speak words to give life, and he gave this replacement phrase

I shall not die but live, and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.  Proverbs 118:17

I decided to memorize that verse and started saying it over and over again – out loud when I was alone and in my mind when I was around people.  I was quite amazed at how my outlook on life changed.  Yes, it was a battle to say those words because the other negative words had worn a well-trod path in my mind, but I was determined to get rid of the curse I had placed on myself.

Interestingly, for years as a teacher, I would not allow my students to use the word can’t because of the negative impact it had on children’s ability to learn and perform.  But here I was – not speaking the word can’t – yet using words that were life-killing and having adverse effects on me and Dad.  Isn’t it true that we are usually at our ugliest with our husbands?  I would typically be kind and good to others around me, saving the worst moods to be exhibited for the one I love the most.

Just this week Dad and I went away for a few days again, this time into the Boise foothills, renting a charming little VRBO cabin.  It was a delightful few days,  sleeping well, and having a bit more energy.   Dad went biking and hiking while I stayed around home base, but I actually enjoyed myself – taking short walks around the area, snapping some pictures, reading, writing and saying those words of blessing over and over again

I shall not die but live and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.

Sometimes shortening it to

I shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord.

I have learned much about blessings and curses in these past months, and have started dissecting other thoughts I have had in years past.  A few thoughts like

Our marriage is never going to get any better, why not just give up

I am never to be healthy again

Poor me, everyone else sleeps so much better than I

  __________________  (fill in the blank) is never going to change

What have I done to deserve this illness?

It’s thoughts like these that can paralyze our lives, as we despair for anything ever getting better.  Curses – negative words spoken toward ourselves or others – are real and not just harmless phrases.  They carry the power of life and death within them.

Watch your thoughts for they become words.  Watch your words for they become actions.  Watch your actions for they become habits.  Watch your habits for they become your character.  And watch your character for it becomes your destiny.  What we think, we become.                                  

 ~ Author unknown

Many years ago I remember telling a friend about some thoughts that were distressing me at the time.  Her reply was Oh, don’t worry about your thoughts – they don’t matter – it’s only actions that count.

Her advice didn’t seem quite right and I forgot about it for a while, but looking back I see that it was poor advice and a downright lie.  Your thoughts do matter because they are the seeds we plant that eventually become our destiny.

I have learned to speak blessings over myself, Dad, our family and  over other situations that Jesus brings to my mind from time to time.  It is so easy to get trapped in our situations, thinking and speaking that we are doomed to stay here for the rest of our lives.  But that is not the truth.  All things are possible with God, and nothing is possible without Him.

Speak blessings and not curses – about yourselves, your life circumstances, and others around you – and learn what power those words have in your life.

Love, Mom

 

 

A Trio of Weakness

March 9, 2017 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I had the most delightful morning… again.

A few months ago I started praying for a friend near Hagerman, our little sleepy town of 867 here in Southern Idaho.  I did have a wonderful friend who lived down our lane, but back in October she moved away and I was missing that beautiful gift of friendship.

So, through an interesting story of happenings I was introduced to Sue and Lori.  Both women are my age, with striking similarities.  Sue has recently been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and is weakening physically.  We met at Lori’s home, a ramp in front to accommodate her wheelchair since she is paralyzed from the waist down due to a car accident over 20 years ago.  And then there’s me struggling with the would-love-to-walk-a-half-mile chronic fatigue.

Sue is a rancher’s wife and was used to helping her husband work with the cattle and calves, along with other energetic outdoor work.  She was strong, able to work on the ranch as well as run a dog grooming business.

Lori used to make beautiful wooden signs plus creating many other items out of a simple piece of wood but now has no extra energy to be the artisan she was.

I used to teach music to children K-12 and beyond, teaching many how to sing and play the piano, but no longer have the strength for that.

When we arrived, Lori had hot water ready for tea so we gathered around the table and started chatting.  This was our third time together, so we briefly talked about physical struggles we were having personally.  The conversation turned to the current happenings on earth and we marveled over how all the prophecies of the Bible have and are coming true. Then we started looking forward to someday – when Jesus returns – the joy it will be to have new glorified bodies. Our moods heightened, speaking of that glorious day when our strength will be renewed; we will soar on wings like eagles, run without getting weary, and walk without fainting.

Lori, Sue and I are the personification of weakness in the world’s eyes and we lamented a little that because of our physical infirmities we are sometimes misunderstood, causing frustration to some simply because we are no longer full of energy and able to do what we previously did.

We talked about relational struggles in the here and now, plus the navigating that goes along with them.  Next came books we had read by C S Lewis, Derek Prince, and others we plan to read in the future.   We wrestled with ideas, opinions, facts – not necessarily agreeing on everything – and life in general.

Finally, we prayed together, thanking God and interceding for our husbands, children and grandchildren, for the leaders of our country, for our churches and for the wisdom to know our places in the midst of this chapter of our lives that God has graciously given us.

Too soon, two hours were gone and it was time to leave for lunch.  We said our goodbyes and agreed to meet same day, same time, next week.

I came to Lori’s that morning tired, and a bit discouraged.  I left full of joy, with an expectation of good things to come, and encouraged that Jesus had heard my cry for friendship and answered so kindly. The synergy of talking honestly and vulnerably was energizing and made my heart sing.

Even though I’ve only known these women for a month I feel like we are soul sisters.  Jesus seems to do that with people who are united in Him.  Lori and Sue have suffered much yet they are joyful and full of life,  though not of physical strength.

The three of us agreed today that if we had not been blessed with physical weakness we would have never had the strength to be still, wait on God for his good plans,  or sit around a table hungering for more of Him and a willingness to do His work.

How I pray that you too, my daughters, will trust God with your needs, desires, and experience how He works best in our weaknesses and complete dependence on Him, waiting patiently and expectantly for his good answers to whatever you may ask.

Love, Mom

 

Remembering…

March 1, 2017 / / 5 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Today I started cleaning out Grandma’s closet.  Shoes, black snow boots, her favorite fuzzy slippers, tee-shirts with musical notes embroidered, pants with elastic waistbands, a shoe stretcher, her fluffy pink bathrobe –so many of them causing me to remember when she wore them and what she did while wearing them.   Her lovely blue jacket when she played piano at recitals, and her old work clothes for gardening, walking shoes….

 

Almost three months have passed since Grandma has walked the halls of her home.  It’s lonely walking down the lane by myself.  When I play the piano I have no audience to listen, to clap when I’m finished playing a song, no accompanying whistler as I play.  I’m growing accustomed to life as it is now, but it is different.

I know Grandma is rejoicing in heaven and I’m celebrating with her, yet her memories will continue to be with me every day for the rest of my life.

How can someone forget their mom?

A few days ago, Mariah sent me a poem she had written about Grandma.

 

Remembering You

 I am nothing to you

Not now anyways 

 

For all you know

I am simply another person

Living somewhere

Out in the world

 

You used to remember 

Who I was

And where you were

 

You used to play 

Everyday

And whistle

As though it were

Your second language

You used to go on walks

And water the flowers

 

You used to be

So full of life

And energy

And happiness

 

But now

You’ve forgotten

How to talk to the birds

Your hands 

Have left the ivory cold

And the plants you watered

Are beginning to wilt

 

The road you once walked

Is now empty

Devoid of life

The doors you opened 

Are now closed

 

But no matter

Where you are

Or how you have changed us

I pray

That the birds won’t forget

Your songs

Your call

Nor the piano 

Your music

 

I pray

That the roads you have traveled

Will remember your journey

And the closed doors

Are never forgotten

 

But most of all 

That the people you met

Will never forget you

The legacy you left behind

The music you gave us

The memories you were a part of

 

So

Grandma

Thank you

For all you’ve given us

For all you’ve left behind

Thank you Grandma

Thank you

~ Mariah Potoka, age 14

 

Thanks, my dear granddaughter Mariah, for reminding me once again how important each one of our lives are.  Even though we may think of our life stories as insignificant, the decisions we make today will affect others tomorrow, next week, next year – and to generations beyond.

It’s not the big impressive things we do, but the thousand unremarkable steps we take every day that make a beautiful life.

Ann Voskamp calls it living a life of holy redundancy – showing up faithfully day after day in the seemingly little things. 

That’s what Grandma did.  She loved the same man for 66 years, walked down the lane and beyond with a plastic bag in hand picking up trash from the ditches.  She played and taught from her beloved piano for hours, bringing pleasure to herself and thousands of others.  Every day she would faithfully make meals for us – my favorite macaroni and cheese, and my gagging worst – liver with onions, which I would slip to the dog under the table.

I know some days you feel like walking away from responsibility, turning your back on those who have hurt you, who haven’t appreciated all your sacrifice and love.  But Jesus sees your heart and is there cheering you on.   He will never leave or forsake you and will give you the strength to carry on yet another hour and then another day ….

You have probably heard of the ripple effect.  Throw a small stone in a calm pond and watch the ripples expand incrementally to the very boundaries of that pool of water.  That’s what Grandma’s life did.  She lived quietly, unassumingly, simply, thankfully, and because of that her life has touched many people, including you and me, for which I am extremely grateful.

Your kindness, your choice to forgive, your obedience to God, your faithfulness and perseverance will also go out as ripples to many you may never meet –and  will be remembered far beyond today.

Live your one life well.

Love, Mom

Trust in the Lord and do good…. Psalm 37:3

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