Musings on Marriage

Month: April 2018

Turtle on a Fencepost

Dear Daughters,

I have never seen a turtle on a fencepost in real life, but you can imagine it didn’t get up there by itself.  Maybe it wasn’t even in favor of the idea.

I just finished the book Turtle on a Fencepost by June Rae WoodIt’s a young teen’s book, and a beautiful story – complete with intergenerational characters, problems with friends, mourning, scuffles with family, physical disabilities, misunderstandings, pre-judging people and many other typical human struggles.

Back in the small farming era, most any farmer plowing with a tractor would pick up turtles and set them on fence posts, rather than smash them under their tires.  At the end of the day, it was usually the job of the farmer’s kids to walk the fences and put the turtles safely back down on the ground.

There were times, when one of the mean kids in the county would leave a turtle stranded on a post, laughing as the legs paddled through the air trying to find land – then walk away.

Delrita, the main character of Turtle on a Fencepost, had recently lost her parents in a car accident, was living with her uptight Aunt Queenie with painted-on eyebrows, Uncle Bert who donned a toupee, and her crotchety old WWII veteran Gramps.

In a sense, all those people living under the same roof were turtles, each on their own fencepost.  None of them had chosen the role they were living, and none understood the other.  But because they continued to do life together, trying to be family even when the feelings weren’t there, they learned to appreciate and eventually love each other.

There were reasons why Aunt Queenie was so rigid, why Gramps was always critical and never satisfied with anything or anyone.  Delrita had her own reasons for constantly lashing out at the people living in her household.  But when each person started to be honest and speak about their past, their griefs and their crushed dreams, they learned to look past the quirks and oddities of each other and embrace the abundance of good that eventually became apparent.

I became so thoroughly captivated with the book that I stayed up later than usual reading.  It wasn’t quite as riveting as John Grishom or Ted Dekker, but stories about human interactions and conflicts always grab my attention.

Then I got thinking about families – the annoyances we all have with each other at times, those rough edges we see especially when we live and work with people – and remembered the saying:

Be kind.  For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

When I used to stop at a signal, waiting for the light to turn green, I would look at some of the picture perfect people sitting in cars around me and think that surely their lives were easy.  Surely they had a good job, a family without strife, friends that loved and appreciated them.

But after all these years of living and talking with many seemingly picture perfect people, I have found that there is no such thing.  We all sin in many ways, offend others without intending, and bristle when they annoy us.

Everyone is fighting a hard battle – but there are a lot of us fighting hard battles after losing a whole string of other battles.  Ann Voskamp

That’s exactly why Jesus tells us to be compassionate and forgive when people hurt us.  We know very little about what is going on in the hearts of others, but we do know that we all – without an exception –  suffer from the same human condition.  The condition that tempts us to judge, hold on to hurts, to think we are always right and the other is wrong.

It’s Jesus who works in us and others to become more like him.  We are all on different time lines, and if we simply remember what we were like many moons ago, perhaps we will have more grace with others.   It’s hard work to live that way, but as I have always told my students, and what I still constantly need to remind myself:

There’s nothing wrong with hard.

So…that’s the story about the turtle on the fencepost.  The analogy is beautiful and the lessons are many.  I pray that we all may be willing to help any stranded turtles we see so they can quit swimming in the air and be planted on firm ground.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wind

Dear Daughters,

Last week I found Grandpa sitting on his chair with the garage door wide open, enjoying the Spring sunshine.  I asked how things were going.  He replied,

Good, I’m just watching the clouds.  Do you see those clouds?  The thin wispy ones are going much faster than the big cluster of cumulous clouds.  They must be in different wind currents and altitudes.

Being a pilot in his younger years, he has studied stuff like that. So I sat down in a chair nearby and we had a chat about clouds and wind.  Sure enough, when I took the time to sit, study and watch the clouds, I could see that  they were definitely moving at different speeds.  It was quite a fascinating conversation, and I learned a lot just listening to Grandpa and watching the clouds in the beautiful blue sky.

Over 25 years ago a vast enclosed ecosystem of 3.14 acres was built outside of Tuscon, Arizona.  In this ecosystem, given the name Biosphere 2, scientists set out to study Earth’s living systems in a controlled environment.  Trees grown in Biosphere 2 grew quickly, faster than their counterparts in the wild.  The scientists were mystified though, when the trees became thin and weak with underdeveloped root systems, many of them falling over before they reached maturity.  Finally it was discovered that one element always found in the wild had been forgotten and neglected in Biosphere 2:

Wind

When trees grow in the wild they are subject to strong winds which are necessary to develop stress wood, strong fibrous wood that enables the tree to become stronger and vastly improves the quality of life for the tree.  Without stress wood, a tree can grow quickly but not sustain the weight that accompanies the height.

Thousands of years ago – back in the book of Exodus – the Israelis were taking their 40 year journey through the wilderness and they deplored the difficulty of crossing the desert.  They grumbled and whined  that everything was too hard; they wanted to go back to slavery in Egypt because those were the ‘good old days.’

But the reason God led them through the desert the long hard way was because He wanted them to grow up and mature.  As you may remember, the Israelis  continually asked

Why God, why?

When God, when?

How God, how?

They wanted the answers to all those questions immediately  instead of simply trusting God to provide what and when He knew was best for them.  All God asked was that they trust and obey.  Even though they had free food from heaven every morning, water to drink,  shoes and clothes that never wore out – they wanted more.  They were never content, never grateful, always complaining.

How similar our stories sound today.  Your marriage right now may seem too difficult and you would like this business of loving your husband to be a whole lot easier.  You may wonder when and how your relationship will get better.  But you know what happens when life gets hard?  We find that we need God more, we learn that by ourselves we cannot love the way we should.

You have been hurt, offended and at times it seems that your husband might drive you crazy with all his annoying habits.  Yet through it all, Jesus is trying to get you to lean into Him, trust Him in all the mess, and ask for help in loving your man.

It’s a struggle, a fight not to complain, not fall into the bitterness mode, but it is not too hard because God’s strength is always available.  And the good thing in all this?  Through these difficult times in your marriage you are becoming stronger, more loving, more patient – if you choose to forgive, compromise and give up your right to always be right.  You are becoming the woman of God you are meant to be.

I love Paul’s reminder to us, a verse I have read many times, fighting to believe that God’s word is true.

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

We will reap what we sow.  But we need to keep acting nobly and doing right – and not give up.

True character is always shown in adversity.  Anyone can be happy when things go their way, but the real test is seeing how we act when things are not going our way.  Are we still able to trust God and do good in spite of how we are feeling?  God wants us to be stable in all circumstances because it shows  we are trusting Him for our future.  Unfortunately, we can only learn trust through trials and difficulties –  when we know we cannot do life on our own – which for me is every single day.

A few years ago Dad and I went through a difficult time in our relationship.  Yes, even after decades of marriage they still happen.  Initially I wanted to shut down, blame him and walk away.  Then I remembered these letters I’m writing to you and figured I better take my own advice – forgive him, acknowledge my own sin and let it go.  I had to fight for it but after a time I was able to say,

Thank you, Lord, for allowing this to happen to us, and I thank you in advance for how you will use it to strengthen our relationship.

Let me tell you, those words didn’t come without tears and agony, but I did speak them out loud, and I thank God for the grace that enabled me to say them. Gratitude, not resentment, is the wisest response to these hard times.

Today was a typical Spring 40-mph windy day here in Idaho.  As I was walking down the lane I saw many trees leaning and blowing in the wind.  It’s a wonder that all the trees  don’t permanently  lean slightly to the East because of the amount of wind we receive, but they don’t.  They stand strong and straight  – just like we as people stand strong if we do not lose heart.  Even though it’s tough , continue to do good and don’t  let the winds of life knock you down.  Let them play their part in strengthening you,  getting stronger and stronger as you trust God to work in both you and your husband,.

Just as the clouds in the sky are in different altitudes and move at different speeds, so you too may move at a different speed from your man.  That’s OK.  Welcome the wind, embrace the wind.  Stand strong, be patient, and know that God is good.

Love, Mom

 

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