Musings on Marriage

Month: September 2020

Farewell to Idaho

Dear Daughters,

            Once again I am in the middle of boxes, piles, decisions, and emotions.  Boxes of things to be thrown out or given away, piles of memories to be sorted through, decisions of what goes where, and emotions scattered all across the landscape. 

            After living for almost six years in the beautiful state of Idaho, learning to be caretakers for Grandma and Grandpa and sitting with them as they took their final breaths, we are almost packed up and ready to move back to Michigan.  It’s difficult to leave after finding new friends, renewing ties with so many relatives, and experiencing the many challenges connected with the end of the precious lives of my parents. 

            Even though we have moved over 10 times in our marriage, it never gets easier.  I have said hello and good-bye to more friends than I can remember, and every time there are tears of farewell, tears of remorse for what I have lost, a breaking heart for what could have been and wasn’t.

            I guess I could have chosen not to love.  Not to open my heart to new friends, new experiences, a different culture and landscape. But that alternative doesn’t look at all pleasant to me.  Because I dislike the grief of saying that dreaded word good-bye, perhaps I should simply say,

            God be with you till we meet again.

            As CS Lewis wrote many years ago:

            To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  To love is to be vulnerable.   

            So we leave with heavy hearts, joy-filled hearts, broken hearts and hearts full of anticipation to what God has in store for us in Michigan.  It will be lovely to live near all of you our daughters and families, while at the same time looking forward to friends we will  come to know and love as well.

            I am reminded of the beauty and struggle of faithfulness, highlighted in marriage, as we prepare to move.  Though Dad and I have had arguments during the process of this move – differing opinions of what stays what gets thrown away and what comes with us, we fought for love, for understanding and for grace – a battle not easily won, but so worth the fight.

            The rugged beauty of Idaho parallels my emotions throughout the years we’ve spent here.  There are dry dusty deserts, high beautiful mountains, lush fertile valleys, slow snaking rivers alongside brilliant cascading waterfalls, all typically accompanied by azure blue skies.

            There have been times I’ve felt dry and desolate as I watched Grandpa and Grandma fail and eventually breathe their last …

The mountaintop times of celebrating new friendships and then loss as I’ve watched those same friends move away…

Learning to trust God in the valleys, walking through previously uncharted territory when dealing with dementia in Grandma, becoming a mother figure to my own mom…

The simple pleasures of picking grapes, blackberries, apples, plums, cherries and roses all because of Grandpa’s vision of planting a small twig of a tree or a grapevine knowing someday it would yield a bountiful harvest…

Watching the careful pruning Grandpa would always do in his garden, knowing that old wild vines and overgrown trees would never grow beautiful fruit.  They had to be trimmed, the old limbs cut off till it sometimes looked as if they were hopelessly dead, yet in just a little while new green shoots and leaves would be flourishing…

So much to learn in this cycle of life, of living, growing and dying – yet, all the while knowing that Jesus is walking ahead of us, a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path, leading the way he has planned for us to go.

            God is good and His will is that we live responsibly today and trust Him for tomorrow.  It’s hard, it hurts, but I know it’s the only way that will bring joy.  So, to my dear friends I’m leaving in Idaho and have yet to meet in Michigan,

            May the road rise to meet you,

            May the wind be always at your back

            The sun shine warm upon your face

            The wind blow soft upon your fields.

            And until we meet again,

             May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

                                                (The Old Irish Blessing) 

Love, Mom

Sunflowers Among Sagebrush

Dear Daughters,

When Dad and I were in Idaho, we drove out to the Camas Prairie, a wilderness where there are lots more cattle than people.  There’s probably a lot more acreage than the number of residents as well.  Deciding to take a shortcut to our destination, we turned onto a dusty dirt road – of which there are many in Idaho. 

We drove for miles and miles seeing mostly sagebrush, lava, unadorned mountains and rocks.  It’s a lovely desolate drive and quite diverse from the valley in which we used to live, so we drove bumpity-bump along a slightly graveled road, enjoying the bare dry desert.

Suddenly we came upon the prettiest little sunflowers lining that dry simple road.  I was shocked and amazed, wondering how there was enough moisture for them to grow in this parched, deserted country.  Seeing these flowers in the midst of an otherwise barren land was such a delight and brought a smile to my face as I wondered how the seeds ever received enough water to flourish on the sides of the road, bringing beauty and color to the Camas Prairie.

As we continued to travel, the sagebrush, dirt and rocks reminded me of the culture we are now living in daily.  It has become a culture of outrage, a culture of desolation, everyone wanting their opinion to be heard, harsh answers, brutal judgments of others – a cancel culture.  Sadly, many believe,

If you don’t agree with me, I will cancel you as a person, I will cut you out of my life and count you as non-human with no value whatsoever.

Once we start thinking of people in this manner, we are basically throwing rocks and dirt at each other.  It’s unpleasant, ugly, dangerous and divisive.  Whenever a person is labeled only as part of an ethnic people group, a religious ideology or a certain political leaning, we have certifiably canceled them as a human being. 

Every society creates dividing lines among people groups, categorizing them into hierarchies of importance according to the powers that be. We have all created caste systems in our own minds which are often acted out toward those we deem worthy or not worthy of our acceptance.

Jesus had 12 disciples and there was incredible diversity within that group of men.  Four were blue collar workers (fishermen), one was a tax collector working for the Roman government (think IRS), another was a Zealot – usually from a political party desiring to get out from under Roman rule.  Diverse, yet learning to become united under Jesus, they grew in unity.  Yes they had their disagreements, some thinking they were better than the others – they were typical humans.  But Jesus taught them how to love each other and those who were not like them in belief or ethnicity – the weak, the sick, the blind, the sex-workers and the forgotten.  Anyone who was human and came near Jesus was treated with dignity.

In his book, A Gentle Answer, Scott Sauls reminds us that Jesus loved us at our worst and if we are followers of Jesus, we are commanded to love others at their worst.  He says,

Jesus has been gentle toward us, so we have good reason to become gentle toward others, including those who treat us like enemies.  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of Your Father who is in heaven.” Matt. 5:43-45.  Because Jesus has covered all of our offenses, we can be among the least offensive and the least offended people in the world.  This is the way of the gentle answer.

Having a gentle answer has nothing to do with being weak.  Weakness is often shown in destruction and trauma to other people’s bodies and physical property.  Weakness is using intimidation and wrath, harming others with words, belittling someone who disagrees with you. Anyone can let anger overtake their emotions and act out in violence, destroying with rage anything in their path.  It’s easy to criticize and tear down.

Speaking a gentle answer, especially toward those you disagree with, takes an incredible amount of restraint, a strength that requires the deepest and most courageous kind of faith.  A faith that ultimately believes in the justice of God, that He will work good out of evil – but in His time, not ours.

Seeing those delicate beautiful sunflowers among all the dry and brittle sage brush is a reminder of what kind words and a gentle answer look like in our culture of shouting opinions and judgments on others.  We have no power to change anyone’s opinion or ideology, especially not by belittling and mocking but we do have power to change ourselves and give a respectful and kind response to whatever words come our way.

Lord, give us strength to give a gentle answer and become sunflowers in a desert wasteland.

Love, Mom

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