Musings on Marriage

Month: March 2021

On My Own

Dear Daughters,

A few years ago I watched the movie Les Miserables Les Miz for short.  It’s a fabulous movie based on the novel by Victor Hugo, first published in 1862.  The music in the film is marvelous and moving, emotional and memorable.  The story of Les Miz is based on the character Jean Valjean, known as Prisoner #24601, recently released from 19 years in prison and desiring to find a life of freedom but not knowing how.

It’s a long and complicated story, but in the movie there is a lovely song On My Own sung by one of the minor characters, Eponine.  It is a haunting, heartbreaking song of a woman having to live life on her own.  I learned it quite well because a piano student of mine wanted to sing and play it and asked for my help.  So, I immersed myself in the song, singing and playing it so I could teach it well to my student.  But an interesting shift took place as I sang it over and over.

Originally, the song is sung by Eponine because the man she loves is only in her dreams, yet she longs for him to be a reality – which never happens.  She sings the song on a deserted street in the rain, devastated yet hoping for something more than what she has experienced.  The more I sang it I started believing that this was my life, that I was on my own.  Slowly, the words I sang became those I felt about God during that time in my life.  I had been hurt and rejected by others, my health was failing and I truly felt as if God had abandoned me.  So I sang On My Own more and more, often with fervor, believing that in real life I was on my own.  God had become a figment of my imagination, a nice awareness but simply a pretend idea.

The words of On My Own go like this:

On my own, pretending he’s beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning…

And I know, it’s only in my mind

That I’m talking to myself and not to him,

And although I know that he is blind,

Still I say there’s a way for us.

I love him, but every day I’m learning

All my life I’ve only been pretending

Without me his world will go on turning

A world that’s full of happiness that I have never known

I love him…..

But only on my own.

It’s a sad song to sing about a boyfriend or husband you wish were yours, but it’s even a sadder song when you’re singing it about God.  God, the one we’re told who has created us, who loves us and desires the best for us.  And yet, sometimes it feels like he’s gone, vanished, given up on us – and we come to believe we are totally on our own.  I made the mistake of singing that song over and over again, becoming more mournful every time, and actually believing that I had no choice but to live life on my own.  I had to look out for me because no one else was going to do it, and so I came to the conclusion that this was my life for a time.  Too long of a time.

The melody was so beautiful, the orchestration exquisite, and the musicality itself continued to draw me in.  How easy it is to let a 3-minute song become your entire belief system. Philosophers can write books of many wise words, but a winsome melancholy popular song often becomes the mindset of the masses who sing it.

Feelings are strong, they can take us up to the moon at times but also into the depths of despair.  It was into the depths of despair that I went.  I continued to sing All Alone and for me it became a reality.

So where can we anchor our minds and hearts when these thoughts consume our every waking moment?

Thankfully, a friend gently reminded me that my feelings were only feelings, they were not the truth.  I am not alone, I was never alone, and I will never be alone.  How do I know that?  Simply because the Bible tells me so.  The Bible has been an anchor for millions of people through thousands of years.  My friend reminded me all the times in the past when Jesus showed his love for me. 

So I rewrote the words:

I’m never alone,

The Spirit lives inside me.

Every day, my Lord he walks beside me.

Without out Him, my life would be disaster

Remembering His faithfulness that I have always known…

 I love Him, I’m never on my own.

The mindset of the original On My Own is found often in the Psalms.  King David and others who wrote the Psalms never denied their feelings, but wrote exactly what they felt, even though it wasn’t true.  God is never afraid of our honest cries and wailings.  But he loves to have them directed toward Him so He can come and give comfort.

They [the Psalms] are remarkable for recording with brutal honesty the cries of those who are sick and suffering, says Tim Keller.  Yet, the hopelessness and despair is only for a season.  When we turn our eyes to God and remember, always remember his faithfulness to us and to others in the myriad stories in the Bible, then we can wait patiently and sing songs of hope instead of anguish and gloom.

Love, Mom

The Rooster Crowed

Dear Daughters,

Remember the story of Peter, when Jesus was on trial?  A few hours earlier, Jesus had told Peter that he would betray Him, that he would claim distance and innocence from knowing the man sentenced to death.  Peter of course vehemently denied that such a thing could ever happen.  Even if everyone else ran away, he wouldn’t.  Not Peter. No, Peter would be true and faithful even unto death.

Yet, several hours later Peter did the very thing he vowed he’d never do – betray the man who had even predicted the number of times Peter would deny his Lord.

Not once, not twice, but three times he cursed and swore, saying he never knew the man.

And then the rooster crowed. 

Peter was devastated with despair when he realized he had just denied his Lord.  He heard the rooster crow and knew he had failed.  He was traumatized, thinking perhaps someone else – anyone else – could have said those words against Jesus, but certainly not him. 

And yet, he also saw mercy in the eyes of Jesus as the rooster crowed.  Peter wept bitterly but he didn’t give up on life itself.   

What does the rooster’s crow signify to you?

When I hear the rooster’s crow, I typically look at the sins of people around me.  It’s so much easier to point out theirs instead of my own.  But the Lord, when I ask, shows me my part in the dance of offenses in which I participate.  And when I confess that I too play a part in every problem, I know the forgiveness of Jesus is there immediately. 

Someone else may hear the rooster’s crow and feel extreme guilt and shame because of a memory being triggered from someone’s remark – snarky or simply in passing – but it catapults them into a pit of self-loathing and remembrances of past memories and similar failures.

Either way, pointing the finger at others or ourselves can become a severe detriment to receiving the freedom God desires for us.

I am continually amazed at the outrageous mercy of Jesus.  The extreme grace he showed to Peter as well as Judas the betrayer.  During the Last Supper, Jesus knelt down and washed all the disciples’ feet, including Peter – the one who later denied Jesus – and Judas, who Jesus knew would betray him within the hour.  I can hardly fathom the love and generosity of our Lord who would be a servant to those men, knowing exactly what each of them would do within a very short period of time.

Judas, eager to earn 30 pieces of silver, happily walked to the Pharisees to receive his payment – until he saw the consequences of his betrayal – the rooster’s crow for him. Then his guilt suddenly became so deep he saw no way out, and drowning in shame, he hung himself.

Peter, succumbing to peer pressure, spoke words he thought would never come out of his mouth – denying his teacher and friend. And then the rooster crowed. I’m sure both Peter and Judas felt like they were drowning in fear and consumed by shame.  One reached out and took hold of restoration and forgiveness; the other chose to condemn himself. 

 A thousand years before Jesus even walked on the earth, King David wrote about this undeserved forgiveness and freedom from condemnation, because he had experienced it after committing both adultery and murder. 

He does not treat us as our sins deserve, nor does He repay us according to our iniquities... As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10

 Thank God we don’t get what we deserve, otherwise we’d all be dead. There’s always a second chance, a third, a fourth…His mercy never ends.

Next time you listen to that rooster’s accusation, remember – always remember, that’s not the end of the story.  The Son is rising and His forgiveness is a free gift to all.

We worship the God who turns tragedy into triumph

Sorrow into singing

Who turns brokenness into beauty

Death into Life.

            David Platt

Love, Mom

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