Musings on Marriage

Month: June 2022

When Angels Fight

Dear Daughters,

I was browsing through our local bookstore awhile back and came upon a new book by a Grand Rapids author.  Being the book lover that I am, I bought it and started on it that night. 

When Angels Fight is an autobiography about a woman born and raised in Grand Rapids, Michigan, about 7 miles from our house, Leslie F. King.  When she was 15 years old, after living a life of abuse as a child, she was befriended by a man – C – who saw her walking outside and crying.  He pulled up in his car and took her to dinner, bought her clothes and listened to the sad story of her home life.  He told her he loved her and she should be treated much better than she had been.  He said she was beautiful, and brought her around to his other friends, introducing her as his girlfriend.  Slowly, she gave him her trust as he continued to treat her like a queen – until one night he didn’t. 

She woke up after being drugged, as another man was using her body any way he liked.  From that night on Leslie became the property of C and he became her pimp.  At only 15 years old she was trapped into a life of sex trafficking.

The Stroll, conveniently close to the house that I now lived,

was where women were prostituted every day and every night,

where police occasionally patrolled, where men came to pay for sex.

Leslie was the youngest woman in The Stable and quickly learned there were quotas to meet every night, and if the quotas weren’t met there were beatings or some other punishment.  She was given the street name Candy and learned to survive unthinkable and unspeakable horrors.  She took valium and alcohol simply to survive her day-to-day life out on The Stroll (Division Avenue in Grand Rapids).

When her family found out where she was and what she was doing they tried to bring her back home, but she would run – always run.  In and out of jail, back on the street, learning her trade so well that she became proud of how much money she could make in a night – always trying to become the pimp’s favorite and become worthy of his love.  But it never happened, she was no different than the other women in The Stable.  She was used, abused and ultimately just survived as a human being.

Years of life on the streets eventually took their toll.  Increasingly she became hopeless and some nights were simply unbearable.  She had lived her life at animal level for so many years, confusing abuse with love and was beginning to lose hope of going forward.  Sometimes, when she would cry out to God – in anger, distrust and frustration – miraculously there was someone to pick her up when she was laying on the side of a road where a john had disposed of her, leaving her for dead.

Working her trade not only in Grand Rapids, but around the country – at Super Bowls, NCAA Final Four, Kentucky Derby, Rose Bowl and any other national event –  there was always payment for the pimps and their girls, especially where there’s big money and booze.

In all those cities, at all those events, whether I traveled with my pimp or on my own,

I knew one thing: I would never, ever not make money because johns are everywhere.

And then, when Leslie was 35 her life hit bottom, she swallowed enough pills, drank enough alcohol and smoked enough crack with a plan to die, yet again cried out to God.  Through a long string of miraculous events, she called her mom to pick her up, checked herself into rehab and slowly but surely became sober.  God’s angels won over the devil’s. 

That was 22 years ago, and since then Leslie started Sacred Beginnings Women’s Transitional Program, which has served over 3,500 women in several Grand Rapids locations.  Some women come and relapse, others stay clean and go to college, get married, build a career.  Some have died.  The pictures of these women adorn a wall of the home office of Sacred Beginnings downtown Grand Rapids.  One side of the room is filled with pillows of all shapes, colors and designs, available for women to hold onto and cry into when they finally decide they want out of the life.

The hearts of the workers we met a few weeks ago are filled with love, often times tough love, yet they never give up hope.  A few nights a week, Leslie and others walk the same streets where they used to work, letting the girls know someone cares, that there is a safe place for them to land.

When angels fight, God’s angels always win.

Love, Mom

waymaker

Dear Daughters,

Once again, Ann Voskamp has written a book with such honesty, wisdom and vulnerability that I am in awe. In Waymaker, she begins by describing something similar to GPS (Global Positioning System) that all of us use every day of our lives. 

Especially since we moved to Michigan 18 months ago, I have used my Maps app everywhere I went. I needed GPS to get me there, otherwise I would be lost in the haze of all the freeways (called expressways in MI) on ramps, off ramps and winding roads built to navigate around the beautiful Grand River which seems to turn up everywhere I go.

Anyway, Ann has penned what she calls the EPS (Expectational Positioning System).  This is a term she uses when we become disappointed by our place in life.  Maybe we were expecting our life to look different than it does – we expected our marriage, our physical body, our family and even how we would be loved to be different – and we are disappointed. We expected much better, that our children would always agree with our ideas and opinions, that our husbands would understand and love us even when we were rude and crabby…   But as we have all learned, expectations can kill relationships.

When we have expectations for friendships, marriage or business partners, we will inevitably be disappointed.  We are all flawed, selfish, subject to our own weaknesses and hurts, therefore our relationships will suffer when we expect what others cannot give.  We have no idea what our acquaintances, friends or even spouses are struggling with – unnamed but nevertheless real hurts – so how can we not become disappointed? 

In her simplicity, Ann says,

It’s when we expect life to be easy that it becomes hard.

We were never promised life would be easy and carefree.  No one is happy all the time, free of worry or pain; we all have something in our bodies and minds that is suffering – not functioning just right.  But it’s what we do with the suffering when it comes – and sometimes stays longer than we would like. 

Suffering doesn’t mean you are cursed, suffering means you are human.

Ann shares several vulnerable stories from her own life and how her expectations have been shattered numerous times, the disappointment often leading to depression and anxiety.  One of her counselors gave her this nugget of information:

Research has discovered some of the keys of happiness:

We are happiest when we are standing before some natural wonder such as the Grand Canyon.  We are the happiest when we are in a deeply creative zone, what they call the flow.

You’re in the zone of happiness – only when you leave the zone of self.

It’s wildly counterintuitive, and even counter cultural, but true.  It’s only when we believe we are truly loved by Jesus (a supernatural wonder) and fix our eyes on Him that we are able to give ourselves to another in trust.  When we know that our Creator

Celebrates and sings because of you,

And He will refresh your life with His love,

Zephaniah 3:17

when we are confident in His love and care, then we don’t need to expect so much from the people around us.  When we know our value and worth – that we are the beloved of Jesus – we can rest and be secure in whatever comes our way.  Even when people harm us with words – intentionally or not – we can move on and not be crushed because we know our fundamental worth has not been diminished.

 

Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.

I’ve called your name.  You are mine.

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you

When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.

Isaiah 43:1-2

When we are consumed by thoughts of ourselves – wondering if we are pretty enough, smart enough, or desired enough by others, then we have lost the capacity to give ourselves freely to anyone.  Ann encourages us to look to the Waymaker – our Creator – and rest in His love.

When she is fretting and anxious, her husband Darryl, whispers to her and asks,

What is the worst thing that can happen, Ann?

After decades of walking with Jesus by her side through all the waves of a lifetime, she now knows beyond the shadow of a doubt,

…you can be about bankrupted, shamed, walked out on, labeled, ghosted, slandered, diagnosed, abandoned, cut-off, humiliated, guilty, fired, vilified, charged, destroyed,

ruined, devastated, grieved, wrecked and left for dead in a million ways,

 and this is the ocean floor, this is at its base:

when you are fully known and fully loved, nothing can still scare you.

I am known and begin to know how to say it out loud:

The worst-case scenario is that all the very worst things happen, and I am still loved.

If we choose to live with the EPS – expecting life will be hard – we will have the freedom to love without fear, resting safe and secure in Our Father’s love.

Love, Mom

© 2024 Branches and Trees

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑