Branches and Trees

Musings on Marriage

Page 11 of 20

Millennials #1

May 15, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

As you probably know, all of you are part of or just preceding the Millennial generation.  Many of those Millennials have gotten a bad rap – having also become known as Generation Me.  Apparently, a large number of children born roughly between the years 1980 and 2000 have shown themselves to live with a sense of entitlement and possess narcissistic tendencies.

A few weeks ago I read a blog by one of my favorite authors, John Eldredge.  He titled the blog

Five Agreements That Are Killing Millennials

I would simply like to share his views with you because I think they are honest and an excellent assessment of not only many Millennials but are infiltrating our culture at large.

John defines the word agreement as:

Ideas which have secured a deep agreement in your heart without you really stopping to consider the implications.

Now, let me say right away that I think these agreements stretch far beyond the Millennials, and have permeated every age group in our country.  I know some in this generation who pay no attention to these ideas, but they are agreements which have particularly taken root during the 80’s and have extended far beyond those years.

Agreement #1: Doubt is one of the Highest Virtues

The Millennials have many beautiful qualities, one of them is having an openness to the views and opinions of others.  There has become a strong defiance against authoritarianism, and with good reason.

Almost daily we are inundated with yet another exposé of some previously respected public figure who has deceived the public for years, perhaps decades.  Because of the intensity and increase of these allegations/proofs of wrongdoing, suspicion has become a mode of survival.  Who do we trust anymore?  Surely not the government, the banks, the university professors, the entertainment industry, the political or even the religious leaders.

Because of this, a blanket of doubt has descended.  Public opinion teaches us that no one is honest, suspicion reigns supreme and we dare not trust anyone, including God.  Many believe  we have become a post-truth generation, meaning that everyone becomes their own truth.  Because there seems to be no absolute Truth anywhere, we are free to create our own.

Relativism has become a moral requisite for some Millennials.  After years of hearing people say they believe one thing publicly then behave another way behind closed doors, it becomes difficult to believe anybody or anything.  Words lose their meaning, people lose credibility, confusion reigns, and we are left to ourselves finding and often times becoming our own truth.

But it’s important to think about where this relativism will lead if we allow it to become a central theme in our life.  If we decide to trust no one, and make ourselves the judge of right and wrong, our life will slowly become adrift and meaningless.

Grandpa has an antique sextant displayed in the den.  He bought it in Pentwater while visiting us many years ago in Michigan. At the time I thought it was quite an odd thing to buy and it didn’t interest me in the least.  But lately I have been reading a little about the sextant which was first used around 1730.  It’s a marine navigational system – the first GPS system for sailors – to be aimed at fixed objects such as the Sun or the North Star and measured against the horizon, thus telling a sailor how to get where he wants to go.  As it determines latitude and longitude, it’s a sort of sea compass – helping a mariner arrive at his destination.

I have been out on the ocean a few times in my life and I’ve always wondered how the captain finds his way back home again in the midst of all the waves, water and wind.

A few days ago I came upon this anonymous quote:

He who is enslaved to the compass has the freedom of the seas.

If the captain of a ship had not trusted the sextant he may have stayed adrift on the ocean for years, floundering and hoping that perhaps someday he might float ashore and arrive safely at home – but could never be sure. With enslavement to his compass, however, he is able to stay on course and be sure of where he is going.  When a compass is used, there is freedom.

Last summer Dad and I took the Lake Express Ferry across Lake Michigan – from Muskegon to Milwaukee.  It’s a wonderfully relaxing way to avoid driving through Chicago traffic and still easily get on the I-94 to go back West.

Because the ferry takes off so gently and slowly at the beginning I couldn’t even tell we were moving.  There was another large barge floating nearby and looking at it I was unable to know if we or the barge were moving.  Finally, I decided to look at a house in the harbor – something I knew would be fixed – and then I was certain we were the ones moving.

That’s how it is with doubt.  If we continue to gaze at shifting ideas and beliefs that are here today and gone tomorrow, our lives become fearful, full of uncertainty and anxiety.

Jesus understands our grief and doubt when we have experienced lies from many people we have trusted.  But he doesn’t want us to stay there.

You remember Thomas (nicknamed Doubting Thomas)?  He didn’t believe his friends when they told him they had seen the resurrected Jesus.  Thomas stated emphatically that he would not believe until he was able to touch Jesus’ scars and see them with his own eyes.  When Jesus showed up a week later, He was patient with Thomas, encouraging him to touch his wounds and believe for himself. But he also left him with the challenge,

Stop doubting and believe.

Doubt and questions are good for a season, but to live in constant doubt and mistrust is to flounder in confusion as a ship without a compass.   If we abandon belief we will find that faith, hope and love erode as well.

Jesus has promised us that we can have hope in Him and His Word as an anchor for our soul. Anchors are solid, holding us to a fixed place of belief.   He doesn’t want us to live in constant confusion, riding on the waves of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

I have dark days when doubts come to harass me because of what I see in the world, and I have to fight to believe that God is good and He loves me.   But I am in good company with King David, when in many of the Psalms, he is angry with God, questioning how He runs the universe.  Lament and struggling with God is actually  worship – it’s believing that He is listening to us, no matter where we are emotionally.  If we honestly cry out with our frustrations and heart-wrenching pain, He is pleased.  He wants us to be honest with him because it’s then that He draws near to us.

How long O God, will you forget me forever? 

How long will you hide your face from me? 

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts, and everyday have sorrow in my heart? ….

Psalm 13:1-2

If we’re honest, we’ve all felt that way at times.  David continues on with more lament and anger, but later he says:

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 

I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me.

Jesus encourages us to fight the good fight of faith because He is the same yesterday, today and forever and does not change like shifting shadows.  He is the anchor of our soul and our life depends on that fact.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turtle on a Fencepost

April 26, 2018 / / 4 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I have never seen a turtle on a fencepost in real life, but you can imagine it didn’t get up there by itself.  Maybe it wasn’t even in favor of the idea.

I just finished the book Turtle on a Fencepost by June Rae Wood.  It’s a young teen’s book, and a beautiful story – complete with intergenerational characters, problems with friends, mourning, scuffles with family, physical disabilities, misunderstandings, pre-judging people and many other typical human struggles.

Back in the small farming era, most any farmer plowing with a tractor would pick up turtles and set them on fence posts, rather than smash them under their tires.  At the end of the day, it was usually the job of the farmer’s kids to walk the fences and put the turtles safely back down on the ground.

There were times, when one of the mean kids in the county would leave a turtle stranded on a post, laughing as the legs paddled through the air trying to find land – then walk away.

Delrita, the main character of Turtle on a Fencepost, had recently lost her parents in a car accident, was living with her uptight Aunt Queenie with painted-on eyebrows, Uncle Bert who donned a toupee, and her crotchety old WWII veteran Gramps.

In a sense, all those people living under the same roof were turtles, each on their own fencepost.  None of them had chosen the role they were living, and none understood the other.  But because they continued to do life together, trying to be family even when the feelings weren’t there, they learned to appreciate and eventually love each other.

There were reasons why Aunt Queenie was so rigid, why Gramps was always critical and never satisfied with anything or anyone.  Delrita had her own reasons for constantly lashing out at the people living in her household.  But when each person started to be honest and speak about their past, their griefs and their crushed dreams, they learned to look past the quirks and oddities of each other and embrace the abundance of good that eventually became apparent.

I became so thoroughly captivated with the book that I stayed up later than usual reading.  It wasn’t quite as riveting as John Grishom or Ted Dekker, but stories about human interactions and conflicts always grab my attention.

Then I got thinking about families – the annoyances we all have with each other at times, those rough edges we see especially when we live and work with people – and remembered the saying:

Be kind.  For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

When I used to stop at a signal, waiting for the light to turn green, I would look at some of the picture perfect people sitting in cars around me and think that surely their lives were easy.  Surely they had a good job, a family without strife, friends that loved and appreciated them.

But after all these years of living and talking with many seemingly picture perfect people, I have found that there is no such thing.  We all sin in many ways, offend others without intending, and bristle when they annoy us.

Everyone is fighting a hard battle – but there are a lot of us fighting hard battles after losing a whole string of other battles.  Ann Voskamp

That’s exactly why Jesus tells us to be compassionate and forgive when people hurt us.  We know very little about what is going on in the hearts of others, but we do know that we all – without an exception –  suffer from the same human condition.  The condition that tempts us to judge, hold on to hurts, to think we are always right and the other is wrong.

It’s Jesus who works in us and others to become more like him.  We are all on different time lines, and if we simply remember what we were like many moons ago, perhaps we will have more grace with others.   It’s hard work to live that way, but as I have always told my students, and what I still constantly need to remind myself:

There’s nothing wrong with hard.

So…that’s the story about the turtle on the fencepost.  The analogy is beautiful and the lessons are many.  I pray that we all may be willing to help any stranded turtles we see so they can quit swimming in the air and be planted on firm ground.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wind

April 3, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week I found Grandpa sitting on his chair with the garage door wide open, enjoying the Spring sunshine.  I asked how things were going.  He replied,

Good, I’m just watching the clouds.  Do you see those clouds?  The thin wispy ones are going much faster than the big cluster of cumulous clouds.  They must be in different wind currents and altitudes.

Being a pilot in his younger years, he has studied stuff like that. So I sat down in a chair nearby and we had a chat about clouds and wind.  Sure enough, when I took the time to sit, study and watch the clouds, I could see that  they were definitely moving at different speeds.  It was quite a fascinating conversation, and I learned a lot just listening to Grandpa and watching the clouds in the beautiful blue sky.

Over 25 years ago a vast enclosed ecosystem of 3.14 acres was built outside of Tuscon, Arizona.  In this ecosystem, given the name Biosphere 2, scientists set out to study Earth’s living systems in a controlled environment.  Trees grown in Biosphere 2 grew quickly, faster than their counterparts in the wild.  The scientists were mystified though, when the trees became thin and weak with underdeveloped root systems, many of them falling over before they reached maturity.  Finally it was discovered that one element always found in the wild had been forgotten and neglected in Biosphere 2:

Wind

When trees grow in the wild they are subject to strong winds which are necessary to develop stress wood, strong fibrous wood that enables the tree to become stronger and vastly improves the quality of life for the tree.  Without stress wood, a tree can grow quickly but not sustain the weight that accompanies the height.

Thousands of years ago – back in the book of Exodus – the Israelis were taking their 40 year journey through the wilderness and they deplored the difficulty of crossing the desert.  They grumbled and whined  that everything was too hard; they wanted to go back to slavery in Egypt because those were the ‘good old days.’

But the reason God led them through the desert the long hard way was because He wanted them to grow up and mature.  As you may remember, the Israelis  continually asked

Why God, why?

When God, when?

How God, how?

They wanted the answers to all those questions immediately  instead of simply trusting God to provide what and when He knew was best for them.  All God asked was that they trust and obey.  Even though they had free food from heaven every morning, water to drink,  shoes and clothes that never wore out – they wanted more.  They were never content, never grateful, always complaining.

How similar our stories sound today.  Your marriage right now may seem too difficult and you would like this business of loving your husband to be a whole lot easier.  You may wonder when and how your relationship will get better.  But you know what happens when life gets hard?  We find that we need God more, we learn that by ourselves we cannot love the way we should.

You have been hurt, offended and at times it seems that your husband might drive you crazy with all his annoying habits.  Yet through it all, Jesus is trying to get you to lean into Him, trust Him in all the mess, and ask for help in loving your man.

It’s a struggle, a fight not to complain, not fall into the bitterness mode, but it is not too hard because God’s strength is always available.  And the good thing in all this?  Through these difficult times in your marriage you are becoming stronger, more loving, more patient – if you choose to forgive, compromise and give up your right to always be right.  You are becoming the woman of God you are meant to be.

I love Paul’s reminder to us, a verse I have read many times, fighting to believe that God’s word is true.

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

We will reap what we sow.  But we need to keep acting nobly and doing right – and not give up.

True character is always shown in adversity.  Anyone can be happy when things go their way, but the real test is seeing how we act when things are not going our way.  Are we still able to trust God and do good in spite of how we are feeling?  God wants us to be stable in all circumstances because it shows  we are trusting Him for our future.  Unfortunately, we can only learn trust through trials and difficulties –  when we know we cannot do life on our own – which for me is every single day.

A few years ago Dad and I went through a difficult time in our relationship.  Yes, even after decades of marriage they still happen.  Initially I wanted to shut down, blame him and walk away.  Then I remembered these letters I’m writing to you and figured I better take my own advice – forgive him, acknowledge my own sin and let it go.  I had to fight for it but after a time I was able to say,

Thank you, Lord, for allowing this to happen to us, and I thank you in advance for how you will use it to strengthen our relationship.

Let me tell you, those words didn’t come without tears and agony, but I did speak them out loud, and I thank God for the grace that enabled me to say them. Gratitude, not resentment, is the wisest response to these hard times.

Today was a typical Spring 40-mph windy day here in Idaho.  As I was walking down the lane I saw many trees leaning and blowing in the wind.  It’s a wonder that all the trees  don’t permanently  lean slightly to the East because of the amount of wind we receive, but they don’t.  They stand strong and straight  – just like we as people stand strong if we do not lose heart.  Even though it’s tough , continue to do good and don’t  let the winds of life knock you down.  Let them play their part in strengthening you,  getting stronger and stronger as you trust God to work in both you and your husband,.

Just as the clouds in the sky are in different altitudes and move at different speeds, so you too may move at a different speed from your man.  That’s OK.  Welcome the wind, embrace the wind.  Stand strong, be patient, and know that God is good.

Love, Mom

 

Girls Will Be Girls

March 20, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

My friend, Julie, told me a story of when she was just 18 and married less than a year.

Julie was working in a dentist’s office – the dentist was in his 50’s, rotund and jovial.  Julie herself is quite a jokester, and they bantered back and forth daily as they worked.  One day Mr. Dentist told Julie he was in need of some physical satisfaction because his wife was not interested in him that way anymore.  So, he had what he considered to be a great deal:  If Julie would be willing to help him out in this minor way she would receive a beautiful new car as a gift, signifying his deep appreciation.

Now that could be quite a tempting deal for a teenager.  Lay down for a while each week with this fun-loving guy and receive a new car.  Sounds like it could be a win-win situation.

Women have historically been used and abused by men.  They have been considered a commodity to be consumed instead of a human being to be valued and cherished.

In all the high and low-profile cases we have read surrounding the #metoo (I hear that some are wearying of the reports) women have been coerced to give their bodies to someone who promises a job, a role, a promotion, a new car or a future permanent relationship.  I’m sure the temptations are fierce, the promises sound solid and the decisions difficult.

But we always need to remember that we have choices,

a choice to say no

a choice to say yes

a choice to leave

a choice to value our bodies, knowing they are sacred – a gift given to us by God.

The nakedness of sex is far more than physical.  It involves every area of our life – our emotions, our spirit and our intellect.  The effects of physical interaction with another have long-lasting significance because they affect the deepest part of our persons.

When a man asks for such favors without a lifetime commitment, it’s obvious he is putting his own desires and agenda above all else.  He’s thinking about himself and the pleasure he seeks.  There is a reason God’s original creation of sex is meant to be within marriage, between a man and a woman for a lifetime.  And – as in all the commands He gives – it’s because he loves us and wants the best for us.  He wants us to avoid heartache, betrayal, regret and guilt.  Instead we are sometimes tempted to think:

I can’t trust the heart of God, I need to take control myself

I need to arrange for my own happiness

I don’t like God’s story for me, I want to rewrite the story my way

Our society is proficient in beguiling us to believe that now is the most important time.  We are encouraged not to think about the future (think of those tempting credit cards in your wallet) or the past – keeping busy and distracted every moment of every day.

We are not at all encouraged to consider the outcome of our choices.  A new car certainly sounds exciting and wonderful, but there is a price to pay.  Whenever we give our bodies to others we are forever connected to them in our memories.

When Julie was offered the new car in exchange for Mr. Dentist’s gratification, she immediately said No.  She had not grown up in an ideal home – her mother had died when Julie was only twelve, and because of that trauma her dad turned to alcohol for comfort, neglecting and abusing the children left behind.  Yet because her mother had taught her right from wrong before she died, Julie knew that what Mr. Dentist asked for was wrong.  She had made a promise to say yes to her husband, which meant saying no to all other men.

Now I understand sexual assault is in a completely different category from Mr. Dentist’s request, and that some women are not given a choice, but when we are….may we choose wisely.

Sadly the next young woman, who was hired after Julie left the dentist office, was driving a new car shortly after her employment began.

There is an old Spanish proverb:

He who loves one woman has loved them all.

He who loves many has loved none.

I pray that we and your daughters will know and always remember that our bodies have intrinsic value which God has bestowed upon us, knowing we are fearfully and wonderfully made – choosing to use our bodies to honor him.

Love, Mom

 

Strong Words

March 6, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Daystar school in Chicago teaches the danger of using Strong Words.

One day at dinner in that same city I said, I hate jiggly fat on meat, when Allison promptly told me:

Hate is a strong word.

I was surprised and taken aback with her response, but I reluctantly agreed, then re-worded my sentence.  Ok, I really dislike jiggly fat on meat. 

I asked what other words were considered strong at their school.  The answer:

Always

Never

Later in bed that night I got thinking about strong words.  Many time I have used those words myself.  In times of anger I and others around me have said things like:

I hate grocery shopping

Do you always have to be so annoying?

We never do what I want to do

You never seem to care about me

I will never trust you again

I hate it when she does that

My life will never change

Since then I have become more aware of my words – not that I have become pristine in my language, but I am working at improvement.  Words like hate, always and never are quite final, absolute, with no exceptions allowed. They can harm others and are often said with irritation and annoyance when emotions run high.

Then a few years ago as I was reading the Bible I noticed a lot of strong words:

Always

All

Everything

Never

…and those words are scattered in many different verses.  The difference though is that they are usually positive words and used as all-inclusive commands and/or promises.  I’ll list a few of my favorites:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Now if we really believed those words we would have no worry, no stress, no fear.  I, for one, tend to have amnesia when it comes to remembering that fact.  There are times I doubt those words, which obviously brings on stress and fear.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.  (Matthew 28:10)

Do you ever feel forgotten by God?  Somedays I feel like He is not at all with me, I feel lonely and overlooked, but again I must remind myself that this is only a feeling.  The truth is that He is with me always, whether I feel like it or not.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

Never will I leave you;

Never will I forsake you.  (Hebrews 13:5)

 Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  (Deuteronomy 31:6)

 Now those are strong beautiful words, words I can count on, believe in – and as an extra benefit, they bring peace into my life.

All those verses remind me about the character of God, the truth of who He is.  Some days I may not feel or remember these things to be true, but I know they are and they bring me great comfort.

Now because Jesus is who He says He is, and if we have invited Him into our life, he also has some strong words for us.

 Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Ephesians 5:19

As I have known for years, giving thanks and singing is not an option if I want to live a life pleasing to God and joyful for me.  Even though I know it in my head, my heart doesn’t always feel like singing or giving thanks.  But when I do, I notice that hope is renewed, trust is strengthened and I experience calm and serenity which previously had eluded me.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Colossians 4:6)

 Now I love it when God promises that he is always with me, and never will leave.  But when he tells me to have conversations that are always filled with grace – I find it rather difficult.  How easy it is to let words that are judgmental, harsh and derogatory fly from my lips.  Why do we find it much more pleasant to listen to the promises of God’s faithfulness, but do not so much appreciate the fact that He expects certain ways of life from us?

In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content…  Philippians 4:12

All circumstances??  Now that’s definitely a challenge.  It’s easy to be content when life is good, the sun is shining, the household is peaceful and others are agreeable with me.  But when politicians say and do things that offend me, when I’m unable to help Grandpa with his pain, when Dad and I don’t agree, when the muffler starts making embarrassing loud rumbles, when my body doesn’t do what I want it to do, when my computer doesn’t work properly, when there’s a mouse in the house – it’s more difficult to be content.

But there are also the follow up words,

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

I find it interesting that this is the very next verse after learning to be content in all circumstances.  It sounds so simple and logical, yet as we all know is difficult in practice.  First of all to be content, then learning that I absolutely can do that because Christ gives me the strength to do it.

Enjoy all these strong words about God and his everlasting promises, but at the same time know that He is always there to help us live out the strong words He commands for us.

There is hope and help for us all.  I will continue to use strong words yet strive to use them at the right time and in the right place, and for something more important than jiggly meat fat.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heart Control

February 20, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Why is the news of yet another mass shooting at a school not surprising anymore?  I,  maybe you as well, have grown so accustomed to hearing about violent, senseless shootings, that we have become apathetic as we listen and read some details, then walk away and continue our day.

I have been pondering the hopelessness, anger, rage, hurt and fury that must be consuming a man’s mind as he plans, purchases, and devises all the evil he desires to carry out on unsuspecting victims, those in his opinion who are deserving of death.

Millions of children are being taught in American schools that they as humans are simply a collection of random mutations having occurred over an unspecified number of years.  They are educated year after year that they have no real reason or purpose, but only that they have arrived on this earth as a result of time plus matter plus chance.  We are little more than beasts of the jungle –  the theory of evolution tells us – so is it really surprising that people do what they do?

The disintegration of the nuclear family, loneliness, separation, divorce and fracturing human relationships all add up to violence in society. God created us to belong, to love, to live in community with one another.  When that is lost, every evil behavior surfaces.

And then there is the blame and fingers pointing all around:

It’s the fault of the FBI

The lack of gun control

Not enough mental health counselors…

You’ve heard all the excuses, but ultimately we are all to blame.  We have not befriended the outcast, the lonely, the marginalized.  Instead we often mock, gossip and treat people who are different than us as if they belong to a lower caste.  We become so consumed with our personal comfort zones, trying to keep our own little stories happy and pain free, that we don’t look to those who are suffering more than we.

Violence is a matter of heart control, not gun control.

Who controls our heart?

I know how important friends are for well-being.  There have been times I have felt friendless, and my mind thinks of horrible things.  I know how I have hurt people who have hurt me – not with a gun, but with my words.  We all have hearts that struggle with evil and need not point fingers at others who simply live out their thoughts of revenge.

This is not to say that justice should not be served, there must be consequences for all violent actions, but let us be mindful of our own hearts which have become cold to the hurts of others, reacting with outrage and judgement.

G K Chesterton, an English writer in the 20th century, was asked by The Times to answer the question,

What’s wrong with the world?

His written response was:

Dear Sir,

I am.

Yours, G K Chesterton

Now those are the words of an honest man.  He understands his own proclivity toward evil, and realizes that without asking God to rule our heart we are inclined to do evil as well.

When Jesus lived on earth He was criticized for hanging out with the prostitutes, the tax collectors and other lowlifes of society.  How far we have come from His compassion and goodness.

I have always loved Micah 6:8:

He has shown you, O Man what is good.

What does the Lord require of you,

But to act justly,

To love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God.

 Lord, please break our hearts for what breaks Your heart.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

21-Day Brain Detox

January 24, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

How often do toxic thoughts appear in your mind?  Do they seem to pop up more than you like?  Are you sometimes appalled at what goes through your mind?  Yeah, me too.

Back in September, my friend Christine called and excitedly asked if I had heard about the 21-Day Brain Detox.  Blandly I replied, You mean a food detox?  I’ve read about many detoxifications of the body, have actually tried a few myself and was not particularly keen on another one. But she said, No, it’s a thought detox of the brain.

This made me a bit more interested, so Christine briefly outlined the Detox, suggested some YouTube videos to watch, was eager to know my opinion of the whole deal, then said good-bye.

So I watched a few videos.  Dr. Caroline Leaf is an amazing woman, a cognitive neuroscientist with a PhD in communication pathology, specializing in neuropsychology.  I could write a few more paragraphs with many long words about her studies, degrees, and work with thousands of people in her native country of South Africa and all over the world – but suffice it to say she has studied, done her homework well, and in turn has taught thousands to detox their brains.

The bottom line of her teaching is this: because God created our brain with neuroplasticity (the ability to change) it is a scientific fact that we can train our mind to think differently than it does now.

We have wired many thoughts into our brains during our lifetimes, some good thoughts, other thoughts which are dangerously toxic. And what has been wired in can be wired out.

Dr. Leaf teaches people how to destroy toxic thoughts and replace them with good healthy thoughts.  She is amazed at how Science has finally caught up with the Bible.

As Paul wrote many years ago in his letter to the Romans:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…

Dr. Leaf, according to recent research, explains that the mind (our thoughts for which we are responsible) can actually change the way our brain (the grey matter) functions.

Anyway, I decided to sign up for the 21-Day Detox.  Dr. Leaf has a 2-3 minute coaching video for each day, plus online instructions and plenty of encouragement.  The first few days were quite exciting, having this newfound knowledge to clean up my thought life.  Then, as with any determination to change a lifestyle, things got a little harder. Thankfully our thoughts are not written in a little bubble above our heads as they are in cartoon strips. I am grateful we aren’t put into jail on the basis of what we think.

If we are honest I think we can agree we have all had thoughts like:

I’m so afraid and fearful about.…

I think I’d rather have him for a husband

I hate my body

If only….

I am such a loser

My life is so boring

I can never get it right

Nothing will ever change

God doesn’t really love me, I feel like He’s forgotten me

If I were God, I would have done things a lot differently

My life is such a waste

God doesn’t even hear me

I wish she (or he) were dead

I just want to die

It doesn’t matter how good we look on the outside, we all grapple with tenacious toxic thoughts.

Our minds are such an amazing part of our bodies, so complex, fearfully and wonderfully made.  And as you may have experienced, the mind is a battlefield, as Joyce Meyer so wisely states.  Every moment of every day we are deluged with thoughts from all around and within us.  Thoughts from events that happened today, yesterday, years and even decades ago.

Every murder, every affair begins with a fleeting toxic thought.  Some thoughts come from our Enemy, some from our own ungrateful hearts, others are suggested by people and the media around us.

I find it curious that researchers at Stanford are in the midst of performing multiple forensic analyses of  Stephen Haddock’s (the Las Vegas shooter) brain.  They are hoping to find a disease or tumor of some kind which would point to the reason why he killed 59 and injured over 500 concertgoers on October 1 last year.

Anyway, Dr. Leaf instructs her readers how to be still and deliberately listen to the thoughts that filter through our minds.  To  my surprise I had more toxic thoughts than I care to mention.  I truly thought I had dealt with disappointments and offenses from the past, but the Holy Spirit was quite gracious to show me I have not.

Dr. Leaf teaches and gives ideas of how to replace toxic thoughts with the Word of God.

When we are fearful:

For God did not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.                 2 Timothy 1:7

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?  Psalm 118:6

When I am afraid I will trust in You… Psalm 56:3

When we think nothing will ever change:

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?  Isaiah 43:18-19

When we think we have been forgotten by God:

I am with you always, even to the end of the age.  Matthew 28:20

When we are anxious:

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7

When we carry around guilt from sin of the past:

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9

Because many of our toxic thoughts did not just arrive yesterday we cannot expect them to leave immediately and without a fight.  To be aware of and battle the toxic thoughts in our minds takes work – and this battle is not for the faint of heart.

Obviously, God thinks it’s possible to renew and change our minds; Dr. Leaf is simply agreeing with Him.  But she always encourages us to deal with only one toxic thought at a time because it would be too overwhelming to battle them all at once.

I have many more toxic thoughts than I had imagined, but the root of them all is that I struggle with the fact that God is good, that He loves me. That I can trust Him with everything that has happened in my life.  It’s the same lie Eve believed in the Garden.  Satan tempted her with the single thought – Is God really good? Did He really say?  Maybe you should make your own choices and do it your way…

To be sure, this 21-day detox is not simply behavior modification, but is getting at the root of our behavior – which is our sinful, toxic thoughts.  Five years ago, I read Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind and this detox actually builds upon that book, yet in a more disciplined, intentional 15-minutes-a-day manner.

I am determined to win this battle for my mind, but after three months I perceive it will become a lifestyle for the rest of my days.  The battle is fierce, but the rewards are many – a mind that is free.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

Boys will be boys….

January 9, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

It’s looking like #Metoo will become the most memorable hashtag of 2017.  I rejoice there have been so many women coming forward, honestly sharing their stories which have been quieted for decades.  And just when I think the stories are diminishing, yet another one surfaces.

I lament that there are so many who have been used, abused, silenced and threatened with lies and other intimidation maneuvers.  Over the years I have grieved with several personal friends as they have recounted their own stories of being assaulted, molested and raped. The devastation that follows is indescribable and becomes a part of their story for the remainder of their lives.

In the past, unwanted fondling, groping and inappropriate touching was often considered trivial and given the excuse boys will be boys.  But as Ann Voskamp wisely writes:

If boys will be boys, girls will be garbage.

Sexual freedoms which were so celebrated in the 1960’s with the advent of the Pill have not made us free.  Instead we have scandals, accusations, denials, finger pointing, judgment, hopelessness and despair.  In fact, it seems our society has become sex-obsessed, which instead of giving freedom has become a bondage to many.   It has caused us to see people as merely bodies to be used, instead of being given the respect, love and value that God originally bestowed on us.

I remember the question our nation was faced with when a past President was charged with an improper sexual relationship with a White House intern back in 1988.

Is morality an absolute or a private matter?

For much of our culture, morality is simply defined as what you feel is right.  That opinion brings a dilemma however: right for you may not be right for me.

For many of the accused men, I’m quite certain this is their belief, that morality is a private matter.  But what happens when their belief collides with the women they use?

God created each of us, male and female, with bodies that are sacred.  We are not only physical, but a spirit and a soul beautifully wrapped in flesh and blood.  When our body is touched so is our soul, whether it is a genuine hug from a friend or a caress from our husband.  But when unwanted, toxic touch occurs it hurts not only our body but also our soul and emotions – our entire person.

In the late 80’s, after the President’s adultery was uncovered, many others in high government positions were also publicly exposed with their past affairs, some from years and even decades earlier. Included were those who had hoped to impeach the President because of his moral failure.   Several men argued that their actions were merely indiscretions of their youth – at age 41. 

Why is it so easy to point out other’s sins yet assume no one will discover our own?  Jesus was right when he said long ago:

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed,

or hidden that will not be made known.

What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight,

and what you have whispered in the ear in inner rooms

will be proclaimed from the housetops.

But back to the question about morality being absolute or a private matter.  If a person, male or female, commits adultery – or more politely having an affair – which is basically lying to their spouse, why would we trust them with political office, with power, with directing large sums of money?  If a person lies in one area of their life, we can safely assume there will be deceit in other areas as well.

When God carved those words, Do not commit adultery, He was simply desiring for us to live lives of simplicity and love.  He always wants the best for us.

Is marriage and fidelity hard?  Of course they are.  Marriage is a mystery and will always be a mystery, but should never be seen as a problem.  It takes a lifetime to learn to love our husbands.  But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it should be abandoned.

I honestly think learning to stay faithful and love, no matter what happens in life, is much simpler than lying, trying to cover up those lies, attempting to impress someone new while carrying around all the deceit being hidden, pretending, covering up other lies – and all the while trying to look as though all is well.  Not to mention all the pain it inflicts on children, parents and others involved.

Harvey Weinstein, who has over 80 women with accusations of sexual abuse against him, has recently been quoted as saying,

I am profoundly devastated.

I have lost my wife and kids, whom I love more than anything else.

Weinstein, who has produced such movies as Sex, Lies, and Videotape and Flirting with Disaster seems to have embodied his own films in real life.

One thing that gives me a bit of joy in the midst of all this madness in our world is that somehow the general public really does have some kind of a moral law in their minds.

With the theory of naturalism (everything can be explained in the natural and scientific realm) prevalent in so much of our society there is no rational reason for right or wrong, absolutely none.  Science cannot dictate which sexual advances are inappropriate.  Science alone cannot give value to human beings or command respect for them.  Living with the philosophy of naturalism, which many in our country believe, everyone is free to make their own rules because there is no transcendence, no higher being, no moral law-giver.  Only what is seen with the eyes, measured in the lab and studied in science is real.

So why then are many people with no belief in the unseen realm upset with sexual indiscretions?  If the man thinks it’s good, it must be ok.  Why have women’s opinions suddenly become important and newsworthy?

I cannot answer that question except that it is by God’s grace.  Truth is coming out and men are being called to account for their actions.

As long as I can remember, men who jump from woman to woman have been called Playboys.  I think it is an accurate term, boys who have never grown up, who still like to play with women as toys instead of committing to one for a lifetime.

There is a possible danger I can faintly hear coming in the future –  women putting all men in the same category of sexual predators.  I do hope we will have the courage to not become men-haters because of the accusations of these high-profile abusers.

There are countless faithful, true, loving men who do keep their promises in the good times and bad, in the difficult and in the celebratory, even though temptation lurks with every mouse click.

I thank God for the men in our lives who treat women with respect, grace and kindness.  Yes, we all have our disagreements, conflicts and misunderstandings because we are all humans with countless flaws.  But I pray that we will continue to honor and esteem one another,  growing and learning to love even in the most difficult of times.

Love, Mom

p.s. I wonder if we should start #Wetoo for those of us who have faithful husbands…

 

 

 

 

 

O Holy Night

December 24, 2017 / / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I have always been fascinated by stories behind music, old songs and new.  No song ever comes out of a vacuum but reflects a life, an era, a belief system and a heart.

A few weeks ago I read the back story of one of my favorite Christmas songs, O Holy Night.  I think it is probably one of the most intriguing stories I have ever heard.

The song started way back in 1847 when a parish priest asked Placide Cappeau – a wine merchant, mayor of the town and sometimes poet in France – to pen a poem for Christmas mass.  Cappeau was rather surprised because he was better known for his poetry than his church attendance, but he was honored to take the challenge.

So, as he was traveling by stagecoach to Paris one day, he started reading the Gospel of Luke and imagined himself at the manger in Bethlehem.  By the time he reached Paris, Cantique de Noel was complete.

Cappeau was certain that these words needed a tune, so he turned to a friend, Adolphe Adams, for help.  Adams had studied at the Paris Conservatory and had been commissioned to write works for orchestras and ballets all over the world – a musician extraordinaire.

The interesting fact is that Adams was of Jewish heritage, so the words were about a holiday he did not celebrate and a man whom he did not believe was the Son of God. Nevertheless, he quickly went to work and the song was performed three weeks later at the midnight Christmas Mass.

Cantique de Noel was immediately lauded and loved by many in France, becoming a Christmas favorite.  Sometime later, however, Cappeau decided to become part of the socialist movement, and when some church members found that the tune had been written by a Jew, the song was banned and denounced by Church authorities.

The common French people paid no mind to the intention of burying Cantique de Noel , so continued to sing and share it in their homes and community gatherings.  It became a sort of underground hit in France.

About ten years later the song somehow came to the attention of John Sullivan Dwight, an obscure American writer.  Being an abolitionist, he was particularly impressed by the lyrics of the third verse:

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break,

For the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Dwight decided to translate Cantique de Noel into English, renaming it O Holy Night and publishing it in his magazine.  It soon came to be celebrated as a song of freedom for the American North during this time of the Civil War.

Fast forward to 1906, when the only type of radios existing were wireless transmitters picking up Morse code.  On Christmas Eve that year Reginald Fessenden, a 33-year-old university professor and former chief chemist of Thomas Edison, was tinkering in his office and began to do something that had never before been done.  Fessenden started speaking into a microphone he had rigged up and read the Christmas story from Luke 2:

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed….

Fessenden had no idea who, if anyone, was able to hear his broadcast.  After he finished reading the story, he picked up his violin and played O Holy Night –  the first song ever to be heard over the airwaves. 

There were many who listened to that broadcast on Christmas Eve, some thinking perhaps they were hearing a miracle and indeed it was – in more ways than one.

From the creation of the song in 1847 by two men who really didn’t believe in what they were writing, the song later being shunned by the church hierarchy in France, finding its way to the United States during a time of war, then becoming the first song to ever be heard over the radio, was truly amazing.

Thinking about the wonder of this story, I am amazed at how painstakingly God brought about one of the greatest Christmas songs ever.  If He wants something to happen, He will stop at nothing to let it be so.  He works through many people, oftentimes unknowingly, weaving together a beautiful story and song out of stranger than fiction happenings.

And if He cares that much about mere music dots on a page and words of a song, how much more does He care about you, and all the circumstances that flow in and out of your life?

Even though we may not see Him, His fingerprints are everywhere if we open our eyes to see.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices

O night divine, O night when Christ was born…

Love, Mom

One Year Later…

December 17, 2017 / / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

We buried Grandma a year ago today.

Last December, the doorbell was ringing often.  Grandma lay near the end of her life, quiet, unresponsive and calm.  Hospice workers came in the front door along with gusts of snow and wind, coming to comfort us and Grandma, answering our questions and reminding us that death is not an emergency.

It seems so long ago that she was at the piano playing a myriad of tunes, many learned half-a -century earlier and still played by memory, even though she didn’t know my name or the fact that I was her daughter.  How I loved laying on the couch listening and simply being her audience of one.

The delicate sweet whistling we had listened to for years is gone, yet still strong and alive in my memory, show tunes, hymns, children’s songs…

Every time I set the table now, which used to be Grandma’s job, I see her in my mind as she painstakingly counted and sometimes recounted the four knives, four spoons, forks, napkins and plates.  She did her job well even when it was difficult, always wanting to do her part, willing to help just as a little child trying to please her mother.

I think about the heritage Grandma has left behind.  There are many memories of kindness, the giving of herself, of faithfulness and always remembering others. She never forgot a birthday or anniversary – until her mind started dimming.  She was continually giving value to the important days in others’ lives.

There were no decorations in the house last year because celebrating Christmas when Grandma was dying just didn’t seem right.  This year I decorated simply, finding some of her artwork from decades ago.

A group of us went with Grandpa to her gravesite today, remembering, mourning and then celebrating the many years of giving and living that those remembrances provide.

It would be easy to look at the gravestone and think she is gone from this life.  And in a way it’s true.  Yet it is important to look through her life, see all that Grandma has given to us, passed on to us – her children and grandchildren.  The gifts she has given are immense.  Yes, she has failed in many ways, just as we all have.  But she lived a life of gentleness, generosity, musicality and compassion, trusting in Jesus to safely bring her home.

Grandma, as well as all of us, live in a Story – a Story that started thousands of years ago, a Story that countless generations have passed through.  We are all a part of that Story – beginning from the garden in Eden to the great coming again of Jesus Christ.

We are not, as many people believe, simply repeating endlessly the cycle of birth and death, heading nowhere.  We have a heavenly home toward which we are hiking by faith, a path which millions of other pilgrims like ourselves have walked, giving us strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

I sometimes think it would be good for us, at times, to ponder our lives and wonder about our own eulogy –  what others will speak about us someday.  Will our life be remembered for our generous giving, for our kind words – or as a life full of complaining, bitterness and accumulating?

Grandma has been in heaven now for over a year.  I can only imagine what she has seen and experienced in that time, but I do know that it must be beyond my wildest dreams.

Let’s face it, our life here on earth is hard; it’s a battle against evil every day of our lives.  But if we look at the little blip of time we are here compared to the eons we will spend in eternity, it is only a quick moment, a blink of an eye.

Give thanks for those who have gone before us, yet keep your eyes on the glorious future that awaits you.

Love, Mom

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