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Tied to the Mast

June 25, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

It was a cloudless, beautiful evening in Seattle aboard the MV Skansonia, a retired ferry on Union Lake. Parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles, cousins and friends of Chris and Julia came thousands of miles to witness a 30 minute ceremony of words, watch them exchange a bit of metal and stone, rejoice with a little music and square dancing, feast on scrumptious food.

A wedding, the celebration of the beginning of a marriage, is a time for joyous celebration. Promises made, all of us looking on, cheering, smiling, remembering earlier wedding ceremonies of our own.

When all the bridesmaids, groomsmen, parents and favorite dog processed to their places, Chris stood next to the pastor, his face eager with anticipation to see his beautiful bride. The look of pure joy and desire on both Chris and Julia’s faces was priceless.

After the vows were promised and the rings exchanged, the parents encircled the newly married couple, hands clasped and praying for them during the song Be Thou My Vision.

Vision.

Ever since I turned 40, my eyes have not focused as they used to. I had to buy lenses in order to see clearly. I could have continued on with no help from the magnifying lens but my life would have been drastically curtailed – unable to read books, music or computer pixels.

In the same way, seeing marriage through the lens of God is truly the best way to make a marriage thrive and grow. Since God is the inventor/idea maker of marriage, it would only make sense to read what He has to say about this unique institution so we can have His clear vision of the meaning of marriage.

Think about buying a car. When we purchase something that is completely out of our realm of understanding, it is certainly wise to see what the owner manual says about treating and maintaining our vehicle.

All of us see marriage through distorted lenses of our own experiences. Some who come from a family with a sound marriage will be shocked at how difficult marriage actually is if our parents dealt with their differences behind closed doors. Others, having come out of a dysfunctional home, will have little idea of what a healthy nourishing marriage looks like. In either situation, young lovers will have to deal with selfishness and self-centeredness that is at the core of every human being.

During a short reading from C S Lewis’ Mere Christianity during the wedding ceremony, we were reminded about the difference between romantic love and true committed love. It’s easy to feel ecstatic, floating-on-clouds emotion for a time, but life-long, unwavering, committed love, especially during difficult times, is what will ultimately lead to mature, selfless, true love.

…Love, in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of the feelings but of the will; that state of the will which we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people…

Pastor JJ reminded us that marriage is a reflection of God’s love. When the world sees a sound, committed marriage, the goodness of God is shared with everyone who witnesses such a love. In our culture today it is a rare delight to see a married couple still enjoying one another after decades of living with each other.

When the Bible speaks of love, it is measured not by how much you want to receive, but how much you are willing to give of yourself to someone. Marriage is to be a covenant love – seen through the lens of God, a love given with promises. Too often today, love is seen through the lens of the world and becomes a consumer love – only living to take what it can get for the lowest possible price.

Tim Keller, in The Meaning of Marriage, tells about a story in Greek mythology. There were creatures called Sirens (half bird, half woman) who would lure Ulysses and his men to destruction with their beautiful songs as the men sailed by their island. Because Ulysses knew of the power of the Sirens and the temporary insanity it would cause him and his men, he instructed the men to plug their ears with wax, tied himself to the mast, and told his men to keep on their course no matter what other instructions he might give.

Ulysses was wise in looking and preparing for the future, knowing that temptations would certainly come, and come with a vengeance. But he also knew that he didn’t want to succumb to the luring voices of the Sirens and be destroyed.

In marriage vows we too declare a mutually binding promise of future love, not merely of the present love that we are feeling. Our public wedding promises, made before many people, are similar to being Tied to the mast.

I’m quite certain that Chris and Julia will stay Tied to the mast of their promises. As they partner with God, their love is built on a firm foundation and will weather the many storms that are bound to come.

I thank you, my daughters, for also staying Tied to the Mast of your promises made on your wedding day. Jesus is doing a beautiful work through those promises.

Love, Mom

You Are My Hiding Place

June 10, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Every marriage will have storms that descend. It may start as soon as the honeymoon is over. Or it may come at the death of a child or a parent, an addiction – pornography, alcohol – or an outright betrayal. Sometimes it will come when the children grow up and move out, leaving us to wonder who this person is that we’ve been living with for decades. However the storm comes, it can feel like our world is falling apart at the seams. The safe haven meant to be a sanctuary for two hearts in marriage may sometimes feel like the least safe place at all.

Here in Idaho, wind is commonly a part of the weather forecast. Just the other night a storm woke me, howling, rattling the windows and throwing up sticks and twigs from the trees surrounding the house. Looking outside I could see tumbleweeds blowing furiously across the lane, rain pelting the sidewalks and driveway.

Sometimes our lives can feel like that – the forces and circumstances of our worlds seem bent on knocking us to pieces. We may think that we cannot handle one more thing that goes wrong in our life, and then something else does go wrong. We tremble with the knowledge that we may not be able to hang on for another hour.

Dad and I are finally at a place that we are unified, most of the time. Since I have in the past been the Queen of Blame, there are still some days when things go wrong and my mind starts blaming him again. Old habits die hard. At times it’s still a challenge to keep sarcastic remarks from flying out of my mouth. The Evil One is always trying to drive a wedge between us, and of that we can be assured of happening until the day we die.

Today was especially hard for me since I had not fallen asleep until 3 a.m. When I woke, Dad was his normal jovial self, wanting a big hug and kiss and I was not in the mood. I just wanted to grouse in my own private corner and have a personal pity party. I felt like I had a right to be crabby because my insomnia is chronic and my fatigue is constant. So I grumbled at my sad state of affairs and ignored him. He wisely left me alone.

When the tempests arise, whatever else may be going on in your marriage, you know that God is working on your transformation, right? God will use hard times to expose your sin as well as your husband’s. Instead of simply lamenting the storm, it is always wise to seek God and ask, What do you want to expose, what are you after? As hard as it will be, try to accept the work that Jesus is doing in your own character.

Why is marriage so hard? Every one of us is a broken, hurting person, but instead of talking about our pain we often get embarrassed and try to hide it. Unfortunately, if we don’t deal with our pain it will become hurt and pain to others around us as well. Hurting people hurt people.

Thankfully Dad just walked away this morning. He could have taken offense at my attitude and things could have gotten ugly, but he knows me well enough to give me space on days like this. After a few hours I was able to enter the human race once again, barely. I talked about my discouragement with my physical condition, he listened and encouraged me, told me he still loved me. I am continually working on being content whatever the circumstance, but still I fail.

Marriage has its seasons, there are ebbs and flows. The writer of Ecclesiastes 3:2-8 says that there is a time for everything…. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…. There are times when you and your man are close, and other times when you feel like the distance of the chasm between you can be measured in light-years. That’s normal. Have patience with yourself and with him.

Jesus tells a story about two houses and how they each fared when the storms hit.

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7:24-27

The storms will certainly come, that is a promise. How we respond to those storms depends on our willingness to trust in God and His ways. What are those ways and words of His that we need to put into practice? I love the passage from Colossians:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Corrie ten Boom, the Dutch woman who hid Jews and was sentenced to a Nazi concentration camp because of it, was told by another woman while in prison that the only way a person could survive in the camp was to hate. Corrie’s reply was “Hate can put you in a worse prison than this.”

Even though love and goodness are difficult, they are the best and most powerful weapons in our arsenal. When the winds blow and the waters rise we need to return to some very basic truths.

1) I am loved (Jeremiah 31:3)

2) I am secure (John 10:28-29)

3) I am forgiven (Colossians 2:13)

4) God is with me always and forever (Hebrew 13:4)

Whatever happens, stay close to Jesus. He is your Rock and your Hiding Place, he is your refuge from the storms that descend. I cannot guarantee that your marriage will be healed, that the addict will desire to change, that prodigal children will come back any time soon. But I can assure you that you are deeply and truly loved by your Heavenly Father. I promise that God is with you and will never, ever abandon you; and I guarantee that you can find peace in the midst of the storm.

Love, Mom

What makes a marriage better is to keep on going through the worst.

~Ann Voskamp

Disruptions

May 29, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones

is how you use them. ~ Unknown

Dear Daughters,

Disruptions.

It’s a word no one likes, but it’s a reality of life. You know how you may have a day planned, a picnic scheduled, a vacation intended, a wonderful life that you imagined, a marriage you had hoped for. And then something comes up to disrupt your plans. Sometimes it’s a physical ailment, other times the rain comes when you’d rather it wouldn’t, a car accident, postponed flights, people who don’t agree with your ideas.

When Dad and I married 39 years ago I had my long-range plan in place – to live a peaceful yet challenging life on a dairy in Idaho. As you know, only four years later my nostalgic plans were disrupted when Dad answered the call to move to Michigan to go to school so he could become a pastor. This was not how I expected my life to unfold.

After living in four different states and 10 different cities, disruptions have become a way of life for us. They have not become any easier, but we have grown accustomed to meeting and getting to know new people again and again.

We are often offended by disruptions. Schedules and busyness can become addictive, making us feel like we are in control of our life. We bring the kids to soccer practice, make sure there are clean clothes for tomorrow so we don’t have to dig some out of the hamper, try to have something edible on the table for dinner, get the homework done, try to have a little quality time with our husband….and the list goes on.

If you remember Bilbo Baggins the Hobbit, he was a person whose life was completely disrupted without his permission. He was called on a journey that he was not prepared for, didn’t sign up for, never remotely volunteered for, and really was not at all interested. But Gandalf came, brought him some friends and comrades and off they went into unknown, uncharted territory. In the end, Bilbo grew up. He did things he never thought himself as being capable to do. He became courageous, brave, bold, daring and creative.

Or think of Dorothy. She too was taken on an adventure unexpectedly because of the tornado. She had not chosen to be carried in her dream to the land of Oz, but once there she made friends with Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man. On her journey with them she learned compassion, bravery, how to stand up to become a warrior and a leader.

When God disrupts our lives with whatever circumstances he chooses to use, we are not usually too grateful. We would prefer to order our own lives, follow our five-year, maybe ten-year plan for our life. We like to be comfortable, doing things that make us happy. However, God wants us to learn to love others as we love ourselves.

I was so surprised 10 years ago when I read Victory over the Darkness by Neil Anderson and learned that God’s basic goal for my life is character development: being and becoming the person God wants me to be.

Really? That’s it? It sounded too simplistic. I thought it was doing all the right stuff, being a fairly good wife and mother, teaching all my students to sing and play the piano.

Yes, those things are important, but the bottom line is that God wants you to become more loving, patient, joyful, peaceful, faithful and kind. Nobody on earth can keep you from becoming that kind of person. That’s precisely why there are distractions, disappointments, trials and disruptions in our lives. We often interpret the hardships in our lives as “Why is God mad at me?” Instead we need to see them as “God loves me enough to mature me.”

Helen Keller, the woman who was both blind and deaf, wrote: “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision-cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

So, we have a choice. We can choose to see our tribulations as stumbling blocks, get angry about them, whine and complain about them. Or we can accept disruptions as stepping stones and embrace the changes and challenges that come into our lives, knowing that Jesus will use these incidents to grow us up.

I don’t know of any parent who wants to keep their children in diapers. We want our own children to mature, and God is our Heavenly Father wanting maturity for us as well.

A recent minor disruption in my life came a few weeks ago. Grandma was at the podiatrist and was diagnosed with a toenail and foot fungus. The cure is an anti-fungal lotion to be put on twice a day for months. My first inclination was not “Oh boy, now I can better learn how to love and serve my mom.” Nope, I will be honest and admit that I was grossed out. But as I have been faithful in fighting the fungus I am learning to love her more. She doesn’t remember much these days, but she does remember the pleasant foot massage that comes along with the anti-fungus cream.

God uses disruptions, whether in marriage or other relationships, as a potter’s wheel. We need to remember that He is the potter, we are the clay. He is the one shaping and molding us.

Let God mold you, shape you into His image. For each person the specific story of circumstances will be different, but the Larger Story is always the same. “The goal of our instruction is love.” (I Timothy 1:5) Accept what God allows into your lives with an open hand, willing to see how He wants to teach you how to love. He loves you dearly and is walking with you every day, teaching and encouraging you in every disruption that comes your way.

Love, Mom

Buds and Blooms

May 21, 2015 / Shari Baar / 4 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Grandpa has the most beautiful array of flowers in his garden. In early spring we had yellow daffodils, later on there were pink, white and purple hyacinths. Then came the tulips, tall ones, short ones – yellow, white, yellowish-orange and red. Lilies and irises bloomed about the same time, some with ruffled petals, others as smooth and soft as velvet. All these flowers were those that I had seen over the years in various places around the country. I will admit right now that in the past I really haven’t had much of an interest in flowers.

If you remember, many years ago I always sent you girls to go water the flowers that were outside around the house. Flowers in general seemed to just be a superfluous part of life that I could do without. Watering the flora simply seemed to be another thing to do, and I had enough on my lengthy to do list. (My sincere apologies to my friends at the Weesies Plant Farm in Michigan).

Now that I am gaining in years, however, I have come to appreciate more and more the splendor of the variety and creativity of God in the world of flowers. The most intriguing flower right now in Grandpa’s garden is the paparer orientale or the Oriental Poppy. Since I had never seen his garden in the spring I had no idea what that ugly plant was. When I first saw the bush I thought it was a big weed. Then I noticed numerous buds forming. For weeks we watched the buds grow bigger and at last they have started to open. First there was just one delicate papery flower. Several days later a few more appeared. Today there were seven vibrant red-orange flowers, with about 40 buds still tightly closed but soon ready to blossom.

I Googled the Oriental Poppy and found some interesting facts about this fascinating flower. Poppies typically bloom in the spring and early summer, but by July and August the heat is too much for their delicate foliage and they go dormant. They may look dead, but they are not. In the winter the green plants will not grow, but neither will they die. There is a lot of action going on in the soil, much growth in the roots of the plants during the hot summer and the cold winter, although there is nothing at all to see with our eyes.

You may be wondering what Poppies – known for their rich opium content – have to do with marriage.

Poppies, among millions of other plants and flowers are perennials, meaning that you don’t have to plant them year after year. Like daisies, hostas, lavender, peonies, grasses, peppermint, tarragon, roses and many others, they simply lie dormant over the winter.

Amazingly, they survive below zero weather, blizzards, and many harsh weather conditions. Yet in the springtime they unfurl their prickly leaves, new growth appears from what seems like dead dirt and the miracle of buds and blooms begins again.

There have been many times when our marriage had dormant times. There have been blizzards, below zero as well as scalding temps, and many other harsh conditions in our relationship. Disappointments in each other, disagreements over trivial as well as serious issues. Sometimes it seemed as if there was no hope. For a season, sometimes weeks, other times months, there would be quiet. Words weren’t there. We went through the motions of being a married couple, doing our day to day activities, but really not connecting.

I’m sure all of you have experienced the same.

That initial spark of love seemed to have disappeared; it went dormant for a time. The winter winds blew, yet we continued to hang on to the thread of hope that love could continue to grow and bloom. During these times both Dad and I, not knowing it at the time, were driven to put down deeper roots in our relationship with God. So even though we as a couple did not seem to be growing by talking about our relationship, we were able to circumvent our marriage by going to the Master Gardener of marriages. As we put our roots down deeper with Him we were able to love and accept each other even though we are so opposite in many areas. And then came spring. Buds began to appear, first one, then another, finally more and more. Still no blooms, but at least there were buds, the embryo, the beginning of beauty to come. We trusted the Master Gardener to do the work that no human couple can do on their own, the work of knitting two souls together who had previously become unraveled.

I was thinking the other day about the ups and downs of marriage. Some days Dad and I seem to be as one person, laughing at our past, delighting in life here in Idaho, enjoying a scrumptious meal together, sharing both the hilarious and challenging moments of living with Grandpa and Grandma.

Other days, all I can see are the hurts from the past, remembrances of years gone by. It is a choice I make to continually forgive, replace the difficult memories with those of grace and love. Then the blooms come once again, one by one, growing more beautiful every year.

I pray that you too will choose to allow your roots to grow down deeper into God so that he can teach you how to love like He loves, forgive like He forgives, and show grace and mercy so that your relationship will bloom and you will continually have hope that spring will come again and again in your marriage.

Love, Mom

Everywhere we look God is speaking to us.

His creation is singing to us.

The heavens are shouting it out.

It’s not what it looks like!

There is hope beyond the walls of this world!

~Sally Lloyd-Jones

Thirty-Nine Years

May 8, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Today Dad and I celebrate our 39^th anniversary. Married in the year of our nation’s Bicentennial, we look in awe at the path on which we have been led. The years have been beautifully landscaped by God, with tall grand mountains alongside yawning dark valleys. There have been roses as well as thorns, dry barren years turning into deep lush times of harvest.

And the two shall become one… (Genesis 2:24).

At humanity’s beginning God spoke those words. Six short words, so easy to say, so easy to write, not so easy to do. Often we assume that the sentence merely means a physical union of marriage, but it is so much more than that. How do two people, thinking that they love each other, really become one in emotion, in their spirituality, in their physical being?

It truly takes a lifetime of learning to trust, learning to love someone who has many flaws, sins, and shortcomings – just like you and I. The wisdom and courage to forgive, learning to give God the things that are His, like your expectations of what you want your marriage to be like. He is the wise, artistic genius who created us and invented marriage, so we can certainly trust Him to enter into our marriages. We can have the confidence that He will lead and guide us, changing and transforming our characters so we can have the marriage that both He and we desire.

Dad and I have been in Idaho now for nearly six months and have missed you terribly. After enjoying our time with all of you and your families last week, I know that all these 39 years have been worth the effort, worth all the blood, sweat, and tears. Of course I knew it before we left, but the sweetness of being together again solidified the gratitude I have for our family.

In the past there have been times when I wanted to check out of marriage and mothering when things got hard. I’m sure all of you have been tempted to run away as well. But I have found that when times get hard, the best thing to do is to burrow deeper into God’s vast ocean of love and mercy. As I look back, I see that my disappointments in marriage have driven me to a deeper intimacy with God.

As we were on the way back from Chicago we saw the most beautiful sunset from above the clouds. We were just flying out of a storm. The sun was fiery orange-red with banks of billowing clouds almost totally surrounding it – you know those clouds that nearly look like grayish-white bubbles sitting on top of each other? And there was the sun peeking through, creating a gorgeous end to the day. Even the flight attendants were exclaiming about the incredible beauty.

As I thought about relationships, and marriage in particular, it seems that oftentimes the greatest splendor comes after a storm – after a fight, misunderstanding, or any other kind of relational mishap. When there are apologies given and forgiveness accepted there is beauty, restoration and peace, but most of all hope. Hope that God can bring beauty from ashes, gladness instead of mourning, and gratitude instead of despair.

You remember the wizened, aged woman who came in and chided us the night we were all at the pool in Chicago? I’ve been thinking about her lately. When she first came in the pool area she beckoned me with her gnarled finger and as I walked over to her she started scolding. She was disgusted with all the water that had been splashed around the pool, the mess of towels hanging on chairs, incensed that there was so much laugher and commotion going on, angry that there were children having fun in the pool – and all this at the young hour of 7:00 p.m.

The reason?

I wonder if it was because she didn’t have a family, had no joy, no celebrating a new birth, no pleasure in seeing little children squeal in delight when they watch their uncle do funny flips into the water. She had come at her appointed time – for 36 years she said – and expected to find a lonely, solitary pool waiting for her to swim and enjoy peace, alone.

I’ve been praying for that woman, praying that she might find some bit of pleasure in younger people, praying that she might learn to rejoice with those who rejoice. That she might learn to smile instead of frown, to laugh instead of squelching joy. One is the loneliest number and I pity those who decline to become a part of a family because it’s just too hard or simply inconvenient. Or perhaps simply given up because of the hurt that sometimes comes from family.

Yes, family is messy, unpredictable, chaotic, sometimes driving us crazy, and yet during other times leaning hard on each other. I thank God for all of you, our daughters, for encouraging Dad and me to persevere and for the joy that comes from being your parents.

Each one of you is going through God’s refining fire in your own lives. You all have your own stories of pain and joy, and I am proud that you are open to His work in your lives, even though it is not easy or what you would ever have chosen for yourselves. I pray that you will learn to thank God more and more for the man that He has entrusted you with. I know there are some days that you may feel like you have made a mistake in marrying your husband, but the best husband for you is the one you have right now.

You really have no idea what depths of companionship are available until you venture into those waters, and hang in there for many years. Besides, your own transformation is barely underway. Who knows all that God has in store for the both of you? ~ John Eldredge in Love and War

I would venture to say that at 39 years we are barely beginning to understand.

Love, Mom

Trust Me

April 22, 2015 / Shari Baar / 6 Comments

Dear Daughters,

A few weeks ago I was helping Grandpa and Grandma prepare for a trip to California with Aunt Rhonda and Valerie. Although they have traveled down south many times in their lives it’s different now that they are older.

Dementia has changed everything.

Although the trip was three days away there were many wonderings, numerous questions, countless concerns. “Who is going to take care of Willow when we’re gone? Will she have enough dog food? Who will feed the cats? Will we have time to fill my eye drop prescription? Who is driving us to the airport? What time do we leave? ” As Grandma carried the calendar from room to room she asked, “What day is it today? How many days until we leave?” The same questions were asked over and over in variation during the course of the preparation days. I simply said “Trust me, Mom. Everything’s ok.”

Even though I had written down the answers to many of her questions, she continually thought up new ones. The day before the departure date, while Grandma and I were packing the luggage together, she assured me that she had never seen that carry-on before. So I let her search through all the closets of the house, and when she couldn’t find the right one she reluctantly agreed to use the one I had chosen at the beginning.

Finally the day came to depart. The luggage was zipped up and ready to go. I needed to go into another room to make a quick phone call so I left for just a few minutes. When I came back the contents of the carry-on were scattered across the table. “I’m just double checking to see if we have everything we need,” said Grandma. With some slight frustration in my voice I again simply said “Trust me, Mom. We’ve got everything you’ll need.”

I smiled to myself, being transported back 20 years ago to when you four girls were young. So much of the same scenario presented itself except that now it’s my mother instead of my children doing these things.

An interesting part of this story is that a few days earlier we had 15 people over to the house, hosting an evening of music with some friends who love to sing. The pianist for the evening was Grandma. She was full of smiles as she welcomed guests at the door, and was sharp as a whip at the piano.

All she needed was a sheet of paper with the names of the songs and the key in which she played them. Whenever anyone chose a song from the prepared song sheet, they simply requested the song of their choice and within five seconds Grandma had the introduction in motion – flourishing arpeggios included.

It amazes me that one person can still be so gifted, yet have such deficits in other areas. But isn’t that just like all of us? We all shine in some way or another, yet have other areas that are not so shiny.

After Aunt Rhonda and Valerie left for California with Grandpa and Grandma, I got thinking about all the anxiety and worries that Grandma had been plagued with. And I wondered if we ever look that way to God.

Spiritual dementia.

We ask so many questions, What am I going to wear today? Should I change jobs? How are we going to pay all the bills this month? Will there be enough water for the crops to grow well this year? What if my marriage fails? How about my friends, will they stick near me or will I be abandoned? What if a tornado strikes our home?

On and on the doubts arise, the questions come over us like waves. Does God really care about all the details of my life? What about the choices my kids are making? What if I get sick and can’t work? What if identity theft happens to me?

Though it all God is constantly saying “Trust Me. I love you, I care about you. Trust Me. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust Me.” I’ve had many anxieties over the years, betrayals, rejection – just like all of you. But as I look back on those years, God has given provision and comfort at every turn.

However, one thing he has not provided is understanding. I would love to know the what, where and why of many circumstances, but that would take away the necessity of faith. Of simple trust.

Things have often been difficult – in my marriage, in my work, in my mothering. But I have learned to trust, sometimes grudgingly, sometimes simply repeating the words “I Trust You” when there is no emotion and very little faith behind it, and at rare times with assurance.

Looking back on six decades of life there are still times when voices from the past – condemning, accusing, mocking voices still haunt. During those times too the words “Trust Me” have been woven like a thread throughout my existence. There were years that I didn’t trust, thought that I knew better than God so I did it my way, which brought sure misery. There were times when I, just like my mother, looked through all the closets for a different way, an easier way to live, and God watching and letting me search until I could find nothing else that satisfied. When I finally turned back to the words of truth: Trust in the Lord and do good. Love your husband – just as he is, let go of your children and let me lead them… Then, and only then did I find sweet peace.

Now that we’re here caring daily for Grandpa and Grandma I still need to listen to God’s voice saying “Trust Me” during the days of uncertainty, questioning and repetition. And I pray that you, my beautiful daughters will learn to say those precious words “I Trust You” as well.

Love, Mom

Arranged Marriages

April 15, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

In our family we have always joked that Dad and I had an arranged marriage. Grandma Koopman invited him over to our house for dinner, made sure he was a part of our water skiing outings on the Snake River, had us sing duets together in church and generally encouraged the relationship significantly. Grandma Baar too played her part by buying me such thoughtful, practical gifts.

As in many courtships, he wasn’t the man I had in mind for a husband. He was too short and too old. I was looking for a guy at least 5 inches taller than me (I’m 5’ 10” and he was my exact height) plus he was five years older than me (at 19, a 24-year-old seemed terribly old.) But as I got to know Dad those physical characteristics didn’t matter much at all. Within 18 months we were married.

Did you know that in our world today, over half of all marriages occur between a man and woman who have never felt a bit of romantic love for each other? Teenagers in most parts of Asia and Africa take it for granted that their spouse will be chosen for them by their parents, just as we take for granted that we will fall in love with the man of our dreams. In our American culture, people tend to marry because they are attracted to another’s physical and other appealing qualities. Over time, however, these qualities will change. Our physical bodies, especially, will deteriorate when we age. It is inevitable that many unexpected surprises will surface. None of us really know the man that we marry. If the truth be known, we barely know much about ourselves. Stanley Hauerwas says:

We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being the enormous thing it is, means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is…learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.

Philip Yancey in his book Grace Notes, ponders how the “spirit of arranged marriages” might transform our mentality in the West. The partners in an arranged marriage do not center their relationship on mutual attractions. Because your parents have decided whom you will marry, you simply accept that you will live for many years with someone you have just recently met. Unlike the Western question of “Whom should I marry?” the question that now comes to the forefront is “Given this partner, what kind of marriage can we construct together?”

Many people who have been married for any length of time may think, Love shouldn’t be this hard; it should come naturally. But if we look at any other discipline in life, we notice that it takes work and practice. Would someone who wants to play professional golf say It shouldn’t be so hard to get that ball into a little hole 300 yards away? I have had many piano students who start lessons, and then a few years down the road quit because they remark It looked so easy, why is it taking so long to sound good?

There is nothing in life that comes easy, especially not loving our husbands. Marriage is a continual dying to ourselves and learning to put other’s needs before our own. Sometimes we may lament that we have married the wrong person. But keep in mind that we never marry the right person because the quest for perfect compatibility simply does not exist. Your marriage was not an accident, it was arranged by God and He will give you the strength to continue to love, forgive, and be good to your man. No, it will not be easy but it is certainly worth the time and effort that it takes.

Over the years you will definitely go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person you didn’t marry, someone who seems like a stranger to you. You will change, he will change. But the beauty of marriage is that God will give you the ability to face and adapt to whatever new circumstances may come your way.

I married a dairyman but that only lasted for 4 years. Dad then became a seminary student and eventually a pastor. It’s certainly not what I planned on or signed up for, but I have learned to love, and let me emphasize learned to love. It did not come easy, and neither did Dad’s love for me, especially when I became sick and could no longer live the active life that I once did.

As Denis de Rougemont so wisely said “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love…?” Raw, natural talent never made a pro golfer or an accomplished pianist. It takes endurance, discipline and plain old hard work to do anything well. But the good news it, it’s possible and it is worth it.

I love the promise in Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up.” God rewards the faithful and I rejoice as I witness the good that He is doing in all of your marriages.

Love, Mom

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 1:4

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdzve-iE2JA

The Greatest Gift For Him

April 7, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When I was dating Dad I was so excited when my birthday, Valentine’s Day, or Christmas came along because he always got me the greatest gifts. Once it was a beautiful piece of luggage (he knew I was soon to take a trip to California.) Another time it was a smaller piece of luggage matching the first, then a necklace…

Well, when we got married, all that gift giving stopped. I didn’t figure it out or ask about it at first, but over the months when the gifts had become rare I asked Dad why things had changed so much after we married. I was hurt and did not feel as loved anymore. No gift equals no love, right? Then the truth came out. His mom had been the gift-buyer while he had been single, now it was up to him and during his many hours of work he just never thought about it.

Did he love me any less? I don’t think so, but in my heart it felt as if love was waning.

The reason for the lack of gifts was simple enough, but that knowledge of why didn’t take care of my hurt and feeling of rejection. I had some expectations from Dad and they weren’t being fulfilled the way I thought they should be. Ann Voskamp has so wisely said Expectations kill relationships.

When we expect our husbands to satisfy us, make us happy, fill the emptiness in our souls, we are setting ourselves up for a disastrous marriage. All humans are leaky buckets, sieve-like vessels, holey jars – however you want to say it. We all run out of love quickly and completely on our own. We simply cannot fill another’s soul with our own love, and when we expect our husbands to fill our souls with their love it’s just not going to work.

In Love and War John Eldredge says it so well:

The human heart has an infinite capacity for happiness and an unending need for love, because it is created for an infinite God who is unending love. The desperate turn is when we bring the aching abyss of our hearts to one another with the hope, the plea, `Make me happy. Fill this ache.’ And often out of love we do try to make one another happy, and then we wonder why it never lasts.

Our husbands are not capable of giving us the love that our hearts and souls desire, and we’ll be terribly disappointed if we insist they try. Every woman has an insatiable need for relationship. Every man aches for affirmation, to know that he has what it takes to make a relationship work. There is an intense fear of failure in all of us when we rely on ourselves for the love we need to make a marriage work.

I have talked to many women about marriage and they all have said that they are, in one way or another, disappointed with their marriage. It’s ok to admit that. Most likely your husband is disappointed as well. There’s no way that we can possibly be enough for each other.

Early in our marriage I complained about how Dad did things, I tried to change him to be more like me, I gave guilt trips. Nothing worked even though I was an amazingly proficient fault finder and constant corrector. One day he finally said to me “I’m never good enough, am I? You’re just never satisfied.” And it was true. I never could be satisfied because I was looking to him to make me happy and he was not capable of doing that. As a young 20-something, what did I know about love? Not much.

In time I learned that the greatest gift you can give your husband and your marriage is to develop a real relationship with Jesus Christ. You need to have someone to turn to when you’re hurt. You need comfort and understanding for the healing of your own brokenness. And you need that Person to be available 24 hours a day. Your husband can’t do all that for you, nor can you do all that for him. In Psalm 62:1 David says: “My soul finds rest in God alone.”

God is the deepest, truest love that you are longing for and He shows you in so many ways that He loves you. You can see it in the beauty of creation, the fresh alfalfa fields, a beautiful sunset, snowflakes melting on your tongue, the warm sunshine on your face, the songs of birds and the ears to hear them.

The most important prayer you can ever pray is to simply say: “God, open my eyes to your love. Draw my heart to you, and teach me to love like You love.”

We are all leaky buckets looking for a waterfall that never ends. And that waterfall is Jesus Christ, the Living Water. David Wilcox sings about it so vividly in his song Break in the Cup.

We cannot trade empty for empty

We must go to the waterfall

For there’s a break in the cup that holds love…

Inside us all.

When I depend on God’s love to fill me up, (and I need to be filled again every morning) I can love Dad much better because I don’t feel the need to change or control him.

You too, will find so much more joy in your marriage once you stop looking to your husband to make you happy and instead look to your Creator, the maker of your soul.

Love, Mom

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPeVIuRjUi4

The Long and Winding Road

April 1, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week Dad and I took a short day trip to Carmela Winery Restaurant in Glenns Ferry which is about 35 minutes away via the freeway. It was a beautiful day, sunny skies, warm, no wind. After lunch at the Winery we decided to take the old frontage road for a relaxing, scenic drive along the Snake River on the way home. According to the map, the road would wind around gently near the river all the way home.

Our map was not topographical (yes, we use old school maps at times) showing no elevations, and the road was described as improved. We figured that had to be a few steps above unimproved. Anyway, our path home started out in some beautiful farmland, emerald green alfalfa next to a beautiful newly plowed field of rich brown earth. The entrance near the field was complete with real metal cattle guards, not the fake painted-on guards that we have seen in many other places.

We decided to use Google Maps for more detail and it was guiding us well, leading us from the frontage road directly to Shoestring Road, the improved road. We came across the entrance sign to Shoestring that read: Road not maintained in the winter – 5 miles. No problem, it was 78 degrees and no winter weather in sight so we need not worry about maintenance. We wondered aloud why there weren’t more people enjoying this lovely scenic road.

After traveling about a half-mile on Shoestring we started going up the canyon. Suddenly the road got narrow, really narrow. Of course in Idaho there are rarely guard rails on gravel roads, but since Dad is a great driver I wasn’t a bit concerned for our safety. We’ve been on this type of road in years past so no big deal.

Then came the switchbacks, curving around one bend then another. We found that the canyon walls were steeper close up than seeing them from a safe distance below. Our speed was 20 mph, tops, but the view was beautiful. We did not see the river much, however, because other cliffs rose up in the way. So we simply enjoyed the tumbleweeds and sagebrush that were all around us.

We were chatting, I should say I was chatting about the tasty lunch we had enjoyed and how glad I was that we were out exploring on such a beautiful day, but I noticed that Dad was strangely silent. Then I noticed his white-knuckled hands and asked if his armpits were sweaty as well. Sure enough, he was tense and not enjoying the precarious journey nearly as much as I was.

On we went, up more steep grades, around another hairpin curve, the beauty of the river becoming quite scarce. For a second we thought about turning back, knowing that we were probably not even halfway through the 5 miles. Silly idea that was since there was barely enough room for one vehicle, much less a turnaround spot.

So, continuing on around yet another curve we glanced down and saw two cars that had fallen half way down the cliff, rusted and colorless, forever abandoned by some sad souls. Quickly dismissing that sight out of our minds we persisted on our way and finally summited the top of the canyon wall. Now we had only the descent, slowly and carefully.

In another 20 minutes we were safe and sound, driving over the rushing river and on to the long awaited treasured asphalt that was soon to follow.

Once we got home I was thinking about how our long and winding road today was a picture of marriage, my marriage and yours. It starts out in a beautiful green pasture, gradually gets more dangerous, sometimes one or both folks wondering if they should turn around or call it quits. It’s scary, and what makes it more so is seeing other marriages that have become rusty and fallen along the way.

But to those who persevere, to those who keep on loving, to those who “forgetting what is behind and strain toward what is ahead, pressing on toward the goal….” (Philippians 3:13), to those who believe that God can make something beautiful out of two deeply flawed human beings – on those God’s face will shine and cause love to grow. Love will grow, slowly, sometimes unperceptively but it will mature in strength and grace.

I remember one anniversary, I think it was around 27 or 28 years, I received an anniversary card from a good friend. On it she wrote “Thank you for showing God’s faithfulness in your marriage. It is such an encouragement to me.” This card came at a time during which my friend knew things were difficult between Dad and me so I was somewhat speechless. I had been complaining to her how Dad was being so uncooperative and just annoying me in all he did. What I didn’t understand at the time was that she admired us for continuing to work through the tough spots, continuing to keep our vows in spite of disagreements and frustrations.

When we look back along that long and winding road of our marriages we can see the growth and feel the bonds strengthening. We stand in awe, knowing how the years of commitment and faithfulness to God and to each other will indeed produce a harvest of love for generations to come.

Love, Mom

You Raise Me Up

March 25, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When I was student teaching in a high school choir back in 2003 the song You Raise Me Up, popularized by Josh Groban, was a favorite of many. My supervising teacher, Mr. Wall, chose the song for the Spring concert and the students sang it with fervor, loving every word and musical phrase, working hard to nail their parts down. They never tired of singing it and I loved being a part of the rehearsal process as well.

Then came a day when Mr. Wall was not able to come to class and we had a substitute teacher. Since I was still a student teacher, it was mandatory that a certified Sub be in the room. He encouraged me to take the choir for the first half of the 90-minute class period, then he would step in and take the second half.

I was unprepared for what came next. After weeks of working with, coaching, encouraging, and teaching the students, thinking I was becoming a valid part of the choir, the students turned on me. There was laughing, mocking, many of the students deliberately behaving contrary to what they had done every other day of the semester.

Being blind sighted, it felt as if I were in a nightmare. I tried some other teaching strategies and tactics I had studiously learned in my Education courses but nothing made any difference. After 30 minutes I turned to the Sub and motioned for him to come up and take over as I fled in tears.

At home that afternoon I was trying to understand what happened, not ever wanting to face that choir again. Mr. Wall called to see how I was doing and gently told me that I needed to get back up to the podium the next day and talk about what had happened, calling the students to account.

I was petrified. I had talked to Dad and close friends about things that hurt, but getting up in front of the entire class of 80 high school kids? I struggled with being honest about the injury I had suffered at their hands, worrying that I would break down again in front of them, having absolutely no idea how to convey my disappointment in them.

That night I asked God for wisdom, words, and courage to speak the truth yet give them grace so that we could finish the remaining semester together in peace.

Next morning dawned and I slogged my way to school. I had some ideas of what to say but still nothing certain. As soon as I stepped up to the podium with my folder of music I saw the song You Raise Me Up. So as I started talking about my hurt and disappointment of the day before, I pointed out the title of that song:

“We as a choir sing You Raise Me Up so beautifully, but yesterday with the mockery and sarcasm abounding, I felt as if you were singing You Tear Me Down.”

From there, God gave me words to convey to the choir the hurt that I felt at the disrespect that was given. I talked about the necessity to live what we sing. Words sung are just as important as words spoken. When our actions don’t match the lyrics we sing, the words become hollow and mean nothing.

Years later I thought about the songs we sing in worship services. Do we really mean what we sing? I Surrender All. Really?? Do I surrender all or do I just surrender what’s easy, what’s convenient? Do I surrender my time, my dreams, my desires, and my pride to Jesus or do I just sing the words and feel some emotional passion for the moment?

I Give You My Heart is another beautiful song that we love to sing, hands lifted high. There’s a line that I love: “Lord, have Your way with me” that slides so easily off our tongues, but do we really want God to have His way with us?

Marriage is one of the crucibles that God uses to have His way in us, and I know I have fought His way in me way too many times. His way is one of submission to our husbands, of taking our hands of control away, and giving the control to God. We may not like how our marriage is progressing, wondering if God is doing anything to help us. It’s easy to think that He’s not actively involved in our lives because at times it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

A beautiful quote by Shauna Niequist says so eloquently: God’s always speaking, always. He’s always moving, always present, always creating, always healing. Oftentimes we need to use our eyes of faith, believing that He is present and working because our natural eyes are myopic. We have difficulty finding the longsuffering and patience to see the big picture.

I encourage you to look back and count the ways – how God has changed you and your husband, and invite Him to continue, to dwell deeply in your union. When we humble ourselves He will raise us up. There will always be differences, tensions and disagreements. But let God have His way with you, and let God have His way with your man.

The day after I shared my hurt with the choir I received some beautiful apology letters, several students even speaking to me in person. So, in spite of my fear and trepidation of facing teenagers with my wounded heart, God entered our classroom and taught us all a lesson of grace.

Love, Mom

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yfwlj0gba_k

Branches and Trees

Page 17 of 20

Tied to the Mast

You Are My Hiding Place

Disruptions

Buds and Blooms

Thirty-Nine Years

Trust Me

Arranged Marriages

The Greatest Gift For Him

The Long and Winding Road

You Raise Me Up

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