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Poor Little Me

March 4, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Have you ever thrown a party like this?

Date: Today

Time: Now

Reason: To cry and complain with me about my marriage and the sad state of poor little me, how unjustly I have been treated, misjudged, misunderstood, cruelly maligned, the unfairness of it all, and how nobody appreciates what I do for them.

I have thrown some parties like this in the past but they were never fun. Nobody wanted to come, no snacks or decorations. Just me and self-pity, not great company.

The seventh Wilderness Mentality found in Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind, is simply called Self-Pity. The Israelites were experts. “That night all the people of the community raised their voices and wept aloud. All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron…” Numbers 14:1-2

We do need to weep, mourn and lament at various times in our life, but when it simply comes down to feeling sorry for ourselves, it’s not productive. In fact it is perverting the true gift of compassion. Compassion is having pity toward others who are hurting and spending our time relieving their suffering. When we take something that was intended for others and turn it in on ourselves it becomes a dead end.

God, in His creative, extravagant love has wisely placed us exactly where He wants us right at this very moment. I know it often doesn’t seem right, it hurts, it’s hard, and sometimes we are tempted to run away and start a marriage with someone new, someone more understanding, someone more like that guy who lives next door or sits across the aisle in church.

We need to remember that staying married is not merely about being in love. It is about keeping our promises: Till death do us part or As long as we both shall live. Although our culture defines marriage merely as falling in love and seeking to keep that feeling of romance alive, the beautiful simplicity of marriage is solely keeping covenant with God and our husband.

Paul, in the letter to the Philippians (2:4), tells us not to be concerned merely for our own interests, but also for the interests of others around us. I have found that this is the best way to get out of that deep dark hole of self-pity. If we stop gazing only at our perspective and look at the other person’s viewpoint it will be easier to let go of that temptation to feel sorry for ourselves. Self-pity is maintained by thinking only of me and no one else.

Yesterday as I was writing this post I thought, “Wow, I haven’t had a pity party for a long time,” feeling rather fine about myself. Then guess what? Today I woke up and the thoughts started rolling in, “Poor me, here I am, living with and taking care Grandpa and Grandma, so far from all of you, answering the same numerous questions every day from Grandma who suffers from dementia and now from Grandpa who is also becoming forgetful and disoriented at times. My world is my 14 x 14 bedroom, my clothes, a small bookshelf holding my favorite books and 3 plastic file boxes with our not so important records of life…..”

These thoughts and a variation of them went on for most of the day as I was struggling to be kind, caring and patient, grateful for Grandma’s help of folding clothes yet frustrated when I found that the clothes she had folded were the ones that had not yet been washed.

Then I remembered the Philippians passage and tried to see it from Grandma’s view. I wondered how it must feel to know that your mind is slipping away and being unable to do anything about it. Forgetting names, not able to drive anymore because of poor eyesight, having difficulty setting a table when it used to be no problem throwing a big dinner party on her own – buying the food, preparing, serving, cleaning-up. And now not remembering who gets what to drink even though it’s the same thing every single meal, every single day. Reading the obituaries every morning wondering which acquaintance will be in the column today…..

Grandpa, who has had tremors for decades, eating his soup and shaking half of it out of the spoon before it gets to his mouth, trying to fish a tea bag out of his cup of hot water – yet never complaining or asking for help. Walking now with a cane he is so feeble and tottering yet won’t use the handicap parking spot (they’re for old people)…..

This evening as I pondered back on the day, I thought back to how many times I become impatient with people, rarely thinking about what it must be like to live their lives. I repented of my self-centeredness, and once again asked for the joy that truly comes from being a servant, the peace that comes while trusting God with the Bigger Story, knowing that much more is going on than what I can see with my physical eyes. Resting in the fact that Dad and I are doing what God has called us to do, hopefully I can wake up tomorrow with a better attitude and not allow the pity party to start.

We have a rare privilege when we face disappointments in life because with God there is always a new beginning available. Self-pity keeps us trapped in the past but God encourages us to look to the future:

“Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19

I pray that you and I will to learn to think about others with compassion instead of turning that beautiful gift in on ourselves.

Love, Mom

“The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

I Wonder as I Wander

February 25, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last night I was taking a short walk after dinner when the spring night was clear, crisp and cool. It is not officially Spring according to the calendar but it certainly feels like it here in Idaho. Typically I look down at my feet as I walk in the dark making sure I don’t trip on a tumble weed or a little critter scampering across my path. Tonight, though, I looked up into the starry, starry night and the song I Wonder as I Wander came to mind.

I wonder as I wander, out under the sky,

How Jesus the Savior did come for to die.

For poor, ornery people like you and like I

I wonder as I wander, out under the sky.

Just before I left the house I made a snide remark to Dad about some trivial thing he did to annoy me. Then as I was looking into the sky I suddenly heard the thought

Get out of your own little world and open up to the Big Story that God has for you.

Far too often I get caught up in what I can see directly around me, in front of me, and to the side. Then I wonder about Jesus our Savior who came for to die. Certainly He wouldn’t have come to live, suffer and die, his only intent being to give his followers a ticket to heaven.

During this season of Lent, a time of waiting and pondering the suffering of Jesus Christ, I am drawn to this statement of His: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his live will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.” Matthew 16:24-25 In marriage it is so important to lose our life because that is distinctly how we will save it. Being annoyed by trivial comments, complaining about dirty socks on the floor, arguing over what movie to watch are simply distractions to keep us in those lesser, smaller stories.

Knowing the Bigger Story in which we are living certainly makes our lives and our choices more significant. Almost everyone has a longing to be part of something bigger than their own little sphere of influence. There must be more to life than the day in day out grind of work, tending children, eating meals, changing diapers, watching basketball games, looking for hearing aids….

Philosophers call this longing to be a part of a Bigger Story transcendence. It is the desire to make a difference in the world, to be bound together in some heroic purpose with others of like mind and spirit. John Eldredge in his book The Sacred Romance, writes so eloquently about God’s incredible pursuit for people who will take a step into a larger story, a story that will consume all their life and desire. That story is the narrative of God pursuing His people, and His people responding by letting their hearts be turned toward and molded by their loving Heavenly Father.

We all love a good story – fairy tales, romances, epics, biographies – any adventure story is worth telling. The Bible is full of stories about people who have loved, hated, obeyed, rebelled, worshipped, lamented, grieved, rejoiced, failed – people who have experienced every emotion that you have. You will find that the people who are the most memorable, the ones who have the finest stories are those who understood the Bigger Story.

Consider Joseph. Sold into slavery and forgotten by his brothers, he became the best slave that he could. Wrongly accused by his boss’s wife he was thrown into prison for years, and he became the most honorable prisoner that he could. He knew and believed that there was a Bigger Story of which he was a part. Because he knew and trusted the Hero of the story, he was free to forgive and wait patiently on God to do whatever He saw fit to do. Later, God’s story became evident when Joseph was appointed second-in-command over all Egypt in order to save many from starvation during the famine that was to come.

Many people in the Bible knew that they were a part of a Bigger Story. Others were simply caught up in their own small stories of control and gratification. For many years I struggled to control our family, to make you all do things that I thought were best. Inevitably God let those plans disintegrate because He wanted me to step into the larger story, giving you daughters and Dad to Him. God, the Hero of the Bigger Story, has immeasurably greater plans that far surpass anything I could ever imagine for all of you.

I used to think that I needed to be the answer woman and have all the right words for everyone, including you girls, but now my favorite phrase is “You better ask God for wisdom about that one.” My greatest desire is that each of you will seek God on your own, looking for your place in the Bigger Story, listening, learning and loving. I can point you to God’s heart, His love of forgiveness, reconciliation, compassion, helping the oppressed, and then I can stand back in awe, watching each of you making those choices that will bring you into the Bigger Story.

I am constantly amazed that Jesus came to die for poor ornery people like you and like I. He loves us just as we are, but has plans for so much more – because Heroes are just like that.

Love, Mom

It’s Not My Fault

February 18, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I remember the first time I led worship last year at Westwood Church. I had just finished welcoming the people and launched into the beginning song which was energetic, loud, and fast. When the worship team started (3 guitars, drums, bongos, 2 singers and me on the piano) I suddenly heard a minor chord and immediately thought “OK which of those guitars are playing the wrong chord?” Then, to my horror, I looked down at my hands and saw that it was me! In my nervousness I had placed my hands in the wrong position and was playing an A minor chord instead of a G major. I quickly moved into the right position, and perhaps nobody heard, but I was astounded and saddened at my eagerness to blame someone else for my mistake.

In Battlefield of the Mind, Joyce Meyer entitles Wilderness Mentality #6:

It’s Somebody Else’s Fault.

How quick we all are to pin the blame on someone else and, of course, it’s nothing new. Starting in the Garden of Eden the serpent tempted Eve and both she and Adam disobeyed. When God came around and found them hiding in the bushes from their shame He asked them for the story. Immediately Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and now we all continue in that sad tradition. It is a rare person who is willing to say, I made a mistake, it was my fault, and I take full responsibility.

In the desert the Israelites complained that all of their problems were the fault of Moses and God. It was easier to blame Moses for their inconveniences than try to be grateful that God fed them every day, never allowed their shoes to wear out, led them with a cloud both day and night, provided water from a rock – to name just a few ways of how God cared for them.

Another interesting story from the Bible: When Sarah and Abraham had tired of waiting many years for the child God had promised them, they decided to take charge of the situation themselves. Trying to help God out a little Sarah suggested that Abraham sleep with her maid. Abraham complied and Hagar, the servant girl, conceived. Later, of course, Hagar starting boasting and bragging about her pregnancy because Sarah was still barren, so there was strife in the household. And what did Sarah do? She blamed Abraham for sleeping with Hagar and producing a child, even though it was her idea in the first place. Humanity has really not changed much over the millennium.

For several decades of our marriage, I’m sad to say, I was the Queen of Blame. I didn’t always say it out loud, but often in my head I would think “If Dad wouldn’t have done that, this wouldn’t have happened.” In fact Dad has said recently that the hardest time in our marriage was when I blamed him for the lifestyle that some of you lived for a time. I remember thinking (much to my embarrassment and shame all these years later) that I was such a wonderful mother, and that if he were as good a father as I was a mother, our daughters would be so much better. Lord have mercy! Such arrogance, pride, and all that other stuff that God hates.

Somehow in my deluded way of thinking, I thought I was speaking facts when blaming Dad for circumstances in our family. Oh how deceived I was until by God’s grace He opened my eyes and I saw how I was most certainly a variable in the equation of problems in our family. Not that I never accused him again, but I understood that my judgmental attitude was doing nothing but dividing, and certainly not conquering the circumstances.

You remember whenever traveling by airplane there is always the speech about the oxygen mask, “Put on your own mask first, and then assist others around you.” It reminds me of the blame game. We cannot help anyone unless we are first honest, forgiven, and open to God’s work in our own lives. We need to let Him change us before we can ever be of help to another person.

So…. I am learning to train my mind and my mouth to take responsibility for when I fail. I have learned to say, “I was wrong.” Taking responsibility for our actions takes courage, but it also takes the Holy Spirit to open our eyes to face the truth about ourselves. When we blame others for our attitudes and actions we are not able to see the truth about ourselves. It truly takes an act of God to open our eyes, but if you ask He will certainly make it known to you. It’s a bit scary, and it will be painful but oh so freeing.

It’s so easy to blame our moods on other people. But I love a quote from Joyce:

People can take a lot of things away from you, but no one can take away your good attitude.

If we ask God to show us where we are in error, he certainly will. It is not easy to see ourselves for who we truly are, but as Jesus said

You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.

Love, Mom

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the light.

3 John 4

I Shouldn’t Have to Wait

February 11, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I cringe every time I read about the Israelites traveling through the desert because I feel like I am often just like them. Even though they had been freed from horribly oppressive slavery in Egypt they repeatedly wandered around, complaining, impatient, depressed and discouraged.

In Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind we find #5 of the Wilderness Mentalities:

I shouldn’t have to wait.

Now that’s a good one for our immediate gratification society of which we have become such a part. When you consider that everything around us screams that we should have it our way now, we deserve the best now, we need fast food fast, pain relief now, it’s quite a shocker that God would actually expect us to wait.

The beautiful thing about God, though, is that He doesn’t change just because our society changes. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. If He expected people thousands of years ago to wait for Him then He expects us to wait as well.

If you haven’t experienced this already in your life, I will tell you a fact that I’ve learned: God is not efficient. He is in absolutely no hurry to give you what you think you want or need. When I got sick three years ago and had to quit teaching school mid-year, I was certain that I just needed a few months of rest and then would be back to school in the fall.

God had different plans.

Having struggled with insomnia for over ten years, by February 2012 my body simply would not go on. Being so tired, exhausted, completely spent and still not able to sleep well had cast a long shadow over a decade of my life. So I finally collapsed, able to go no longer. The majority of my days were spent alone on the couch, so fatigued, wilted like a flower. Meds had helped me survive through many years – barely – but now I was weary of life, exhausted and still unable to sleep, night or day without artificial help.

So often when challenging circumstances come, we ask the question, “Why is this happening to me?” We all have plans for our lives, good things we want for our kids, for us, our marriages, our husbands – and most of them have not yet happened. But how would our attitudes change if we asked the question, “Why is this happening for me?”

As I lay on the couch I became impatient, depressed, discouraged. Around this time of despondency I got a package in the mail from Aunt Rhonda. It was a CD by Laura Story, and included the song Blessings in which she sings:

…what if your blessings come through raindrops,

what if your healing comes through tears,

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near….

I had never heard the song before and as I listened to the words I wept, I felt as if the song had been written for me. As months went by and still so little recovery, I lamented that my physical healing was not happening as I waited. Yet something better was happening – a change in my heart.

When my body collapsed and was subjected to hours on the couch I needed God and Dad more than I ever had before. I couldn’t shop for groceries, I rarely left the house. I had to learn that my identity was being a child of God, not doing all those things that had become such a part of my life – a music teacher, mother, preacher’s wife, Bible Study leader….

Before I got sick I was proud of who I was, what I could do, and often I didn’t feel as if I really needed God all that much. Sure, I went to church every Sunday, attended Bible studies, I even read the Bible on my own once in a while. But over all I was self-confident about what I did. I had gifts, I had talents and I used them for God. Independence, the ability to do things on my own was what I loved.

But now I had to allow Dad to take care of me, do most of the stuff I used to do. Interestingly, as he did, my love for him grew. We talked better than we ever had, we were honest about things that in the past we had simply let slide.

God uses marriage and other hardships as a crucible to refine us, heal us, teach us to love, and above all become like Him in character, especially learning that difficult trait called patience, learning to wait.

So often we want to have a life that is happy and trouble-free. Everyone wants their own Utopia. But history has proven over and over again that when our lives are easy, everything going our way, we forget God. Only when circumstances come that are out of our control, do we cry out for help.

Throughout the Bible, in story after story, people forget about God when times are good. So God lovingly allows a little misery and hardship to come. Inevitably there is repentance, sorrow and sadness from the people who had tried to live without God. And as always, God has mercy and grace and forgives His people time after time, year after year, century after century. It’s often only when we are hurting, wounded, and weakened that we cry out to God for help. When you stop to think about it, it’s quite a self-centered way to live, but it’s typical human nature. As I look on my life I had behaved exactly the same way.

I have learned that God is never in a hurry to change us, never in a hurry to demand we be more loving, more submissive, more compassionate. He knows our weaknesses, our brokenness, our struggles and he simply encourages us every day to wait on Him and trust the Holy Spirit to change us and our marriages moment by moment, day by day, year after year. Then slowly, gradually, we will grow to be the women that God has intended us to be.

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word.

You are good and what you do is good: teach me your decrees.

Psalm 119:67-68

Love, Mom

Bury the Complaining

February 4, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I recently read the book Joni and Ken – an Untold Love Story and found it intriguing. Because Joni and Ken Tada were so famous and had flown all over the world encouraging others with disabilities, I had always figured that they had a most wonderful, stress-free marriage. Not so. In the book they were both honest and vulnerable about their struggles. Their story fits very well with Joyce Meyers’s Wilderness Mentality #4: Grumbling, faultfinding, and complaining, taken from her book Battlefield of the Mind.

Joyce starts off the chapter with the verses from 1 Peter 2:19-20.

For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering, because he is conscious of God…..But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.

Obviously if we live in this world we are going to suffer – it’s simply a part of life. God, of course, walks with us through every part of our suffering, but He desires that we honor Him in the midst of our suffering.

When the Israelites suffered in the desert they made sure that Moses and Aaron knew whenever they were miserable, which seemed to be their chosen chronic condition. They grumbled, they murmured, they blamed Moses for anything that brought them out of their comfort zone. They were not about to be patient or trust God even though they had seen miracle after miracle – which is the reason it took 40 years to make what could have been an 11-day trip.

The same is true with us. If we continue to grumble and complain, our marriages will not improve, in fact they will probably sour and begin to crumble. We will go through the same petty arguments, the same minor incidents becoming major battles. Complaining simply poisons our heart toward God. It’s not until we decide to trust God right where we are – in the midst of our suffering, in the middle of our storms – that we will enable Him to do the work He desires to do in our marriage.

Back to the Tadas: The simple fact that Ken was willing to marry Joni, who is a quadriplegic, is amazing to me. After 25 years of marriage he was still committed, but getting weary of the care and the constant battling with health issues; then there was breast cancer and debilitating chronic pain. But one day as Ken was out alone on a lake fishing, he heard a clear voice in his mind saying “Joni is the most precious gift I have given to you. You take care of her.”

Knowing that the thought was from God, he gradually accepted the fact that caring for his wife was the most important thing he was called to do in this life. So often he had been caught up in the physical sameness of life. Taking care of Joni and her immense physical needs was on top of all the normal ups and downs that marriage entails, and he had started to weary, complain, grumble and escape emotionally.

Everyday life often gets us bogged down in the mundane details that we tire of so easily. It is then that we need to remember that caring for the people that God has put closest to us is the most important thing we can do. It’s more important than our job title, our income or the cleanliness of our home. We, of course, need His strength and wisdom to love those He has entrusted us with, and He is always willing to give it when we ask.

Then I got thinking about my marriage. Over the years I have complained more than I like to admit. Finally I am learning to shut my mouth when I need to and listen to Dad, value him, encourage him with my words. No more grumbling or complaining – giving thanks and praise no matter what we are going through is much more worthwhile and gives joy abundant. I have learned that true love grows over time – lots of time – and if we are simply committed, faithful, and bury the complaining, God will bless beyond our wildest expectations.

Your husband is the most precious gift that God has given you, take care of him.

Love, Mom

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 4

May I Borrow Your Hands?

January 28, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

The other day Grandma came to me and asked if she could borrow my eyes for a little bit. She was trying to figure out what to wear and because she is blind in one eye and has limited sight in the other, it is difficult for her to choose her clothes. As you know, in her younger days she was always so stylish, matching purses and scarves, dressing just right. I went into her bedroom and chose an outfit with some jewelry that matched and she gratefully accepted my assistance.

As I was walking back to my room I remembered a song by Joni Eareckson Tada from decades ago, on her album I’ve Got Wheels. Joni is a quadriplegic, suffering from a diving accident when she was 17. She sings the song to friends who are her caregivers. The song May I Borrow Your Hands? goes like this:

May I borrow your hands? Mine don’t work so well,

But yours will do just fine.

May I borrow your hands? Mine won’t work for me

Yours can be mine….for a time.

Helping one another, like a sister and a brother.

May I borrow your hands? They can work for me,

Together we’ll do just fine.

Throughout the day I found myself singing that song, inserting the word eyes for hands. Later on I started thinking about things that Grandpa and Grandma borrow from each other. At the age of 89 Grandpa’s eyes are still very sharp so he too is able to help Grandma with things that she cannot see. He drives her into town for groceries and her Saturday morning hair appointment. Grandpa has had essential tremors for decades – his hands shake always and his writing is impossible. Yet Grandma is steady as a rock and still has a beautiful signature.

When it comes to walking Grandma is like an energizer bunny, she just keeps going and going and going….. whereas Grandpa has difficulty walking 100 feet. Grandma’s “forgetter is getting better” but Grandpa’s mind is mostly intact.

I think most marriages are like that, where one is weak the other is strong. God, in His infinite wisdom has put us with a husband who complements us in many ways. You have heard that opposites attract and I know it is true in our marriage.

While driving around Dad is always interested in the geology of the area, wondering where the headwaters are to Billingsly Creek or at what point the Clam River flows into the Muskegon River, what river runs into which lake…… I on the other hand, just enjoy the beauty of what I see. Dad loves to eat, and during one meal is always asking what the next meal is going to be. I eat simply because I know I need to for survival.

When we go to visit museums Dad reads every single word on every single sign, while I am content simply browsing through and catching the highlights. Family trees are his specialty and knowing all the kin, including second-cousins-once-removed are entertainment for him, but I get lost in the tangle of all the leaves, branches and twigs.

When I am weak, Dad is strong.

In spite of all our differences, we have learned to appreciate the other’s interests. Throughout the years we have come to enjoy our various strengths and weaknesses, although years ago we often annoyed each other with our variances. We are both able to admit our weaknesses more freely and ask for the other’s assistance when we need it. In the beginning it tended to be more of a power struggle of who was the strongest in areas that were really of no importance. I look back and see how foolish it was for us to live like that, but thankfully we have learned.

Although Joni Eareckson Tada wrote May I Borrow Your Hands? back in the 80’s when she was single, she and her husband Ken Tada now sing it to each other at the many events at which they are asked to speak about marriage. It’s a vivid picture of what marriage is meant to be, allowing our husband to be strong when we are weak, and in turn being strong for him when he is weak.

Love, Mom

Trees

January 21, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Over 20 years ago Biosphere 2 was built outside Tucson, Arizona. A vast, enclosed ecosystem of 3.14 acres, scientists set out to study Earth’s living systems in a controlled environment. Trees grown in Biosphere 2 grew quickly, more quickly than their counterparts out in the wild. The scientists were mystified though when the trees became thin and weak with underdeveloped root systems, many of them falling over before they reached maturity. Finally it was discovered that there was one element in Biosphere 2 that had not been included – wind.

When trees are in the wild they are subject to strong winds which are necessary to develop stress wood , strong fibrous wood that enables the tree to become stronger and vastly improves the quality of life for the tree. Without stress wood a tree can grow quickly but not sustain the weight that accompanies the height.

Joyce Meyer’s Wilderness Mentality #3, Please make everything easy, I can’t take it if it’s too hard, embodies this very idea. When the Israelites were taking their journey through the wilderness they deplored the difficulty of crossing the desert. They whined that everything was too hard, but God loved them enough to lead them through the desert the long hard way because He wanted them to grow up and mature.

The main questions the Israelites repeatedly asked were: Why, God, why? When, God, when? How, God, how? They wanted to know the why, the when and the how before they would trust Him, but as they learned, God didn’t answer all those questions, He simply asked them to trust and obey.

Your marriage right now may seem to be too hard and you would like this business of loving your husband to be a whole lot easier. But you know what happens when things get hard? You find out that you need God more than you thought, you find out that by yourself you cannot love the way you should. I know you have been hurt, offended, and sometimes it seems that your husband is driving you crazy with his annoying habits. Through all of these hardships God is trying to get you to spend more time with Him, lean into Him and receive more grace from Him.

It’s a struggle, a fight to not complain, not fall into the bitterness mode, but it is not too hard because God’s strength is always available. And you know what? The good thing is that through these difficult times in your marriage you are becoming stronger, more loving, more patient. You are also becoming the woman of God that you are meant to be. Our way in life becomes too hard only if we think it is too hard.

I love Paul’s reminder to us:” And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9) I have had to read that verse many times, fighting to believe that God’s word is true and that we will reap what we sow.

True character is always shown in adversity. Anyone can be happy when things go their way, but the true test is seeing how we act when things are not going our way. Are we still able to trust God and do good in spite of how we are feeling? God wants us to be stable in all circumstances because that proves that we trust Him. Unfortunately we can only learn trust through trials and difficulties; times when we really need Him (which for me is every single day).

A few years ago Dad and I went through a difficult time in our relationship. (Even at 36 years of marriage they still happen). Initially I wanted to shut down, blame him and walk away. Then I remembered these letters I’m writing to you girls and figured I better take my own advice, forgive him, acknowledge my own sin and let it go. I had to fight for it but after a time I was able to say “Thank you God for allowing this to happen to us, and I thank you in advance for how you will use it to strengthen our relationship.” Let me tell you, it didn’t come without tears and agony, but those words did come and I thank God for the grace that enabled me to say them. Gratitude, not resentment, is the wisest response to these hard times.

One last interesting fact about trees: You may remember many years ago that our family visited the Sequoia National Park near Visalia, California – those huge trees that live for thousands of years, grow over 300 feet tall and are thick enough to drive a car through. Sequoias are amazing because they actually have shallow roots, only 10-13 feet deep, then spread outward horizontally up to 300 feet. Sequoias are able to stand firm by growing wide roots, then interlocking roots with other trees. They don’t compete with each other for resources, instead their huge root systems fuse together as they share resources. Their strength comes from supporting each other and standing together. What a beautiful picture of marriage that trees provide, the winds of struggle making us strong, roots interlocking and standing firm.

Love,

Mom

Go Slow

January 14, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

The other day I was walking down the hall and there was Dad lying down on the cold tile floor taking a picture of Grandma’s Christmas cactus. Now I know Dad loves to take pictures and they are really good ones, but taking pictures from below the flowers? It is a beautiful plant, but as Dad found out, the real beauty truly came from slowing down, lying below and looking up. I know because I stopped, took the time and laid down beside him to see for myself.

When I was in junior high I loved to play the piano, loud and fast. I hated to play slow songs – they were so boring. Plus, all the kids were impressed when I played fast and loud – spider fingers is what they called me.

Later on in college, Professor Worst would say to me, Slow down, Shari, your music will have so much more life to it if you just go slower. Breathe.

Years ago, when I walked with my friends I loved to walk fast. We would walk and walk and talk. Then when Grandma came to visit, just she and I would go. I would be silently annoyed because she walked slower than I liked, but I would grudgingly adapt to her speed.

When you are in Wyoming and the gas gauge on your car is getting low and there’s not a gas station for another 52 miles, what’s the best thing to do? Slow down so your mileage goes up and maybe, just maybe you can make it to the next town before the tank is empty. (It didn’t always work for us, but in theory it should.)

In my younger years I wanted to be efficient, multi-task, get the most done in the least amount of time. Isn’t that the way a good Christian woman should be? I wanted to do my best for God, which meant to do it quickly and well, or so I thought. I expected the same from God: He should be efficient, answer my prayers soon, maybe not quickly, but I really shouldn’t have to wait too long, should I?

And then I got sick and was laid low, on my back, for weeks. I couldn’t walk around the block, much less walk fast around the block. Of course I was irritated, angry that I didn’t get better quickly.

One day as I was on the couch, lying down and looking up, I read in Isaiah the following words that jumped out from the page:

Woe to those who say, ‘Let God hurry and carry out His plans so that we can see something happening and know that his word is true.’

I was shocked, surprised, and if truth be told, hurt, to read that God was in no hurry to answer my prayers of healing or of anything else I desired, in fact there was a woe attached to hurry. In the past I had been so busy that I had not listened to his voice that also said

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.

Psalm 37:7

A few months ago I was practicing the song Breathe on the piano and it had some difficult parts in it when I was keeping the same speed throughout. But as I was working out the hard spots, having to go slow, I noticed a beauty that I hadn’t heard before. I found that if I took extra time and breathed into the song some times of slowing, stretching the tempo, it came alive and was much more beautiful than simply trying to keep the challenging parts the same speed as the rest of the song. I needed to be reminded again, Go slow. Especially the hard parts.

Eventually I was able to get up and around again after my time on the couch, but I have learned and am still learning to remember to go slow, take time, and

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14.

I’m assuming that because the phrase wait for the Lord is stated two times in that little short verse, God is really adamant about waiting. As Ann Voskamp says so often, Life is not an emergency. Breathe.

In our marriages we want changes in our husband, in us and in our kids. When we invite God into our hard parts of life, He will bring about change – but never in a hurried way.

The amazing thing is that while I was on the couch God did an important reconciling work between Dad and I. In the world’s eyes I was not at all productive, but in that time of slowdown He did some important, humbling work in me that could have never been done otherwise.

In God’s eyes relationships are much more important than busyness. I know that God will work out every detail, every hurt, every little thing in you and in your men in His time. Trust Him with your life and your marriage – and go slow.

Love, Mom

Who’s Responsible?

January 7, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When we first get married there is usually a honeymoon time – a time when we’re thinking this marriage is going to be a Happily Ever After marriage. A time when we think that he will leave all his single lifestyle behavior behind and things will be different now that we’re married. Typically that honeymoon period doesn’t last too long. The excitement, romance and idyllic ideals wear off and the blunt truth of real life sets in. The normal response to this period of time is “What’s wrong with him, why doesn’t he try to make me happy?” In other words, “I would rather not take the responsibility for making a good marriage.”

I’m sorry to admit it, but those were precisely the thoughts I had early on in my marriage, which brings us directly to the second Wilderness Mentality that Joyce has gleaned from her study of the Israelites in the desert.

Somebody Else Needs to Take Responsibility

If you remember, the trip from Egypt to Canaan was only an 11 day trip, but it took the Israelites 40 years to make that short trip. The reason for that long, wandering journey was their poor attitudes. Amazingly, or maybe not so amazingly, we have the same attitude problems today. Human attitudes and behavior now are really no different than they were for the people living during ancient times.

In the desert, Moses did a lot for the Israelites. He did their praying, he did their repenting (interceding and struggling with God to save their very lives several times). They had been slaves in Egypt their entire lives so didn’t know how to walk as free men and women. Moses tried to teach them, but they just continued to whine, complain, and murmur whenever anything went wrong. It amazes me that even though the Israelites saw the 10 plagues before they left Egypt, witnessed the Red Sea split in two so they could go across on dry ground, watched the manna (free food) fall every day – still they became complainers and worriers anytime a problem came up.

You would think that they would remember that God had always provided for them in the past, so would thank Him in advance for how He would provide for them again. But no, they moaned and groaned, murmured and complained, wishing they were back in Egypt. Life was just too hard in this land of freedom.

Kinda sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Even though we see the faithfulness of God with the sun coming up every day, the beautiful seasons continually appearing each year, our abundance of food, clothing, jobs, and places to live, still we find things to complain about. And often they are so trivial – our husband doesn’t agree with us, he say things that offend us, we don’t have the stuff that others have, we think someone else’s spouse would be better for us than the one we have, and on and on and on. I am amazed how patient God is to put up with our lack of gratitude and trust.

The verse Philippians 2:14 is really a tough one for me. “Do everything without complaining or arguing.” Everything?? I looked but could find no exceptions in that verse. The word everything really covers it all. That includes letting go of the petty arguments, forgiving again and again and possibly again. Being the first one to apologize…..saying those difficult words I was wrong. The first time I said those three words in succession I almost choked on them, but with practice it has become a little easier. Practice, every day practice is what it has taken me – years and years of continual practice to change my attitude from one of finding fault to one of gratitude.

There are many things in life that can be delegated. Personal responsibility, however, is not one of those. You are the only one who can take responsibility for your attitudes and I’m the only one who can take responsibility for mine. I’m not saying it’s easy or sometimes even desirable, but God will bless your obedience.

Try to remember all that God has done in the past, His faithfulness, His provision, His care and His love for you. Then pass it on to your husband.

Love, Mom

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 4

Your Past ≠ Your Future

December 31, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

August 2012

Dear Daughters,

Since I had to quit teaching school six months ago I haven’t written you girls because I have been listless and unable to do much. Thankfully I’m still able to teach piano and take care of the house, but even that’s been a stretch.

In the past year or so I’ve been listening to a lot of Joyce Meyer on CD. A friend gave me her library of Joyce’s CD’s and she has been an excellent teacher and encourager for me in these months that have been so difficult and lonely. She teaches on many different subjects but the one that has influenced me the most has been The Battlefield of the Mind. I recently finished Joyce’s book by that name, so I have decided to use some of it as my focus for the next while.

As you remember from the Old Testament, when the Israelites left Egypt after 400 years of slavery they wandered in the desert for 40 years before entering the promised land of Canaan. What I had never known before is this: If they had just gone straight across the desert it would have taken only eleven days. So…why all the 40 years of wandering? It’s something Joyce calls “Wilderness Mentalities.” I knew that a big reason for their wanderings was their constant grumbling and complaining, but Joyce has studied the travels and attitudes of the Israelites and has come up with “Seven Wilderness Mentalities.” Seven reasons why they continued to wander for 40 years. Surprisingly enough, we still struggle with these very same mentalities thousands of years later. I used to think that I was a bit more advanced in my thinking than those silly Israelites who never seemed to learn, but the more I studied these mentalities the more I realized that I’m really not much different than they were, even though I have their story to learn from.

Wilderness Mentality #1 is “My future is determined by my past and my present.” All the Israelites had ever known was bondage in Egypt. They had no positive vision for their lives. As Proverbs 29:18 says “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” They knew their history as slaves, living under harsh taskmasters, and could not fathom their lives being any different. The same is true for us. We know where we have been in our marriage, the annoyances, the playback of past hurts, dashed dreams of the ideals we had for our marriage. Our adversary often feeds us the lie “Your marriage will always be like this, nothing will ever change, don’t even try.”

Anyway, back to the Israelites who grumbled and deplored their situation, accusing Moses and Aaron for their circumstances. The Israelites got free food falling from the sky every morning, their clothes and shoes never wore out, continuously they saw the cloud above leading them throughout the desert, yet still they complained. They were never thankful for how God miraculously provided, but always critical – nothing was ever good enough, negative words all the time. They simply did not trust that God loved them enough to take care of them. My, how familiar it all sounds.

We need to get a new mindset and believe that with God all things are possible (Luke 18:27). Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a rose to bloom without sunshine and water. Yes, we all lose heart in our marriage now and then; it’s a battle to keep on loving, keep on forgiving. I remember several times just wanting to walk away, give up, call it quits. But I didn’t. I made another meal, washed another load of clothes, prayed, listened and talked with Dad, asked God for help to love when I could not.

Memories are hard to forget, especially memories of how your husband has offended you, embarrassed you, hurt you. As you all know Dad has offended, embarrassed and hurt me, and of course I have done all those things to him as well (I will spare you the details). But what has happened in your marriage previously is not a prediction of what will happen in the future. It’s not too late and it isn’t too hard because with God all things are possible. He makes all things new if we simply allow Him to help us. You may think that you are both too set in your ways to change and have a good marriage but remember the only one you are responsible to change is yourself. Marriage is not about your happiness, but about you becoming more like Jesus. Then He will do the unexpected, as you trust Him for those quiet miracles.

There’s a song I sing every morning before I get out of bed – out of necessity – because I know I can’t do life on my own.

Lord, I offer my life to you

Everything I’ve been through, use it for your glory,

Lord, I offer my days to you, all of my praise to you

As a pleasing sacrifice, Lord I offer you my life.

What do I have that you have not given?

And what do I have that is not already yours?

You are the one who makes life worth living

And that’s why I come to you Lord.

~ Claire Cloninger

Love,

Mom

Branches and Trees

Page 18 of 20

Poor Little Me

I Wonder as I Wander

It’s Not My Fault

I Shouldn’t Have to Wait

Bury the Complaining

May I Borrow Your Hands?

Trees

Go Slow

Who’s Responsible?

Your Past ≠ Your Future

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