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All Is Well

December 24, 2014 / Shari Baar / 3 Comments

December 22, 2014

Dear Daughters,

We are far away from all of you this year so I am taking time to remember all the years we were together, just you four daughters, Dad and I. After dinner during the Advent season we would always light a single candle or more and sing Christmas carols together. Even though there may have been misunderstandings, faulty communication and hurts during the day, the singing would somehow make things better, peaceful and good. How those memories have flooded over me this season.

Then came the memories years later when our family was growing – boyfriends, husbands, babies. One memorable Christmas Eve as we were all together there were hurtful words, tears, struggles to understand, brokenness and pain. That night was not what any of us had hoped for or could have predicted. The next morning, Christmas Day, you four girls were scheduled to sing during the worship service. As the evening wore on and we were waiting for understanding and forgiveness, one of the sons-in-law asked what song we were planning to sing. All Is Well was my reply. He said “I think The Old Rugged Cross would be more appropriate at this point.” Personally, I was ready to cancel Christmas altogether. After all the careful planning, meal preparation and hopes of a Silent Night, Holy Night, it had turned into a Painful Night, Tearful Night. I was in no mood to sing, and especially not All Is Well because all was certainly not well in our home that night. But in the midst of the sadness, the heartache that comes with our brokenness, God was there.

It was almost midnight when you girls and I walked over to the empty church building and practiced All Is Well. You sang, I accompanied on the piano and as we practiced, somewhat mechanically, I felt the Spirit of God hovering among us, silently, gently, almost imperceptibly. Hope grew in my heart – that relationships would be restored and love would continue. Exhausted, yet at peace we went home to sleep. The next morning dawned and we quietly gathered ourselves together. We worshiped in faith, still bruised and weary, but we worshiped and sang All Is Well.

Since that time I have pondered many times the fact that all is indeed well, always, whether life is peaceful or whether there is strain. The fact is, Immanuel, God is with us. He’s there in our hard times, he’s there in our joyful times. He never leaves us. He’s working to continually restore relationships and bring reconciliation to those who are willing to forgive.

A Hallmark Christmas ours was not that year, but we learned once again that Jesus came for us, came for families like ours who battle, disagree and hurt each other. He came so that we could be made new, so that we could learn to love and be faithful, so that we could learn to humble ourselves and forgive.

Now, many years later, we are in Idaho and again among families that have battle scars, yet still we sing. On these dark and cold advent nights we are practicing the same tradition with Grandpa and Grandma that we did with you girls so long ago. We light the candles and sing carols, a new tradition for them. Their voices quaver and are not quite as in tune as they used to be. When we go down the scale on Away in A Manger Grandpa goes up and we meet somewhere in the middle, but it is still peaceful and good.

All Is Well.

Love, Mom

Men and Metal

December 17, 2014 / Shari Baar / 1 Comment

Dear Daughters,

Have you noticed that many guys have a love relationship with their trucks or cars? Men are often attached to the metal in their lives that is dependable and comfortable. Michael Gurian, who has studied extensively about the brain differences between boys and girls describes the brain biology behind this love of vehicles. “There is a biological tendency for men to seek a set of care objects that allow for brain rest and the pleasure of independent relationship without the stimulation of emotional conversation. A car is, not surprisingly, an object of choice for many men.”

Gary Thomas tells how he bonded with his work truck one summer – it was dependable, comfortable and gave him brain rest. “A car takes me where I want to go without asking me how I’m feeling. A car lets me yell at other drivers without saying ‘why are you so upset?’ My car is absolutely clear about its needs. I know if the gas tank is full, half empty, or almost completely empty. My car would never respond to my inquiry about how much gas remained in its tank with the words ‘You should know without me having to tell you.’” In short, a car lets a man’s brain rest.

We too need to let our husbands rest. He will not always want to talk when you do You will need to be patient and wait for your husband to give more of himself to you. A good healthy marriage happens by degrees. That’s why God created marriage to last a lifetime.

This man of yours is complex – he probably hardly knows himself – and it will take years to find the mystery, the beauty, the delight of who he is, not who you want him to be. If you are patient, if you resist the urge to try to force him into intimacy things will go much better for you in the long run. Let him have times of silence, some times of being alone.

I continue to revel in the fact that God deliberately created male and female radically different and it causes me to stand in amazement of His good plan. I think He must delight in those who continue to seek to be faithful and understand even in the midst of misunderstandings and thinking I must have been crazy to have married this guy.

Don’t expect to understand him. The bottom line is that we don’t have to be able to understand our husbands before we can love them. There are some things about them that will never make any sense, and just maybe they’re thinking the same thing about us.

I have learned that when something – anything – annoys me, the real problem is my annoyance. I used to think that I needed to change what bothered me, but I have finally come to realize that the problem is simply that I allow myself to be bugged by something that is not all that important. It’s my attitude that needs changing, not the circumstance. King Solomon once wrote

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding

holds his tongue.

Try to learn to celebrate the mystery of your man. Be a woman of understanding – learn how and when to communicate in such a way that your husband can fully participate and feel loved and accepted in the process.

You know how IRA’s work, right? You don’t deposit a check this year and expect it to double by next year. The value accrues over time, over a very long time. Mature love is like that. In order to have a good marriage you must be patient and willing to wait for love to blossom and grow. You must invest years, decades, waiting on God, waiting on your man, letting God change you. It takes time to move past romance to true love, committed love, but it is worth every bit of effort you are willing to give.

After 33 years of marriage I feel like I am just starting to know who Dad is. Today he gave me the most wonderful card ever – it said

I’m a better man because of you

and it made me cry. I wish I would have known how to be more patient, more willing to give him his space. For many years I expected him to be like me, but after years of learning, reading, and living, I see that I should have been more celebrative of who he was, not always wanting someone who was different than him. I see now the rewards of what years of faithfulness, commitment, forgiving, and praying for my husband has reaped, and I am thankful!

Love, Mom

North Michigan Cantata

December 10, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

December 8, 2008

Dear Daughters,

Last Sunday night our community choir sang its annual Christmas cantata here at Prosper Church. It was beautiful and I must admit it was fabulous to be able to sing in the choir. It’s the first time ever that I haven’t either directed or played the piano for a cantata and it was quite wonderful to simply sing. Having strong men’s voices behind me was such a treat – the men at Prosper Church really love to sing, and many can read music!

The most memorable aspect of the evening, though, was watching Marjon in the front row. She and Carl had been home for just 2 days after spending ten days in the University of Michigan hospital, and she was exhausted. Carl, of course, was unable to attend the cantata, but there was Marjon. On each side of her were two of their daughters, Carla and Alexandra on one, Erin and Maria the other. During one of the songs Marjon started weeping, which caused the daughters (and me) to weep as well. For a few minutes I wasn’t able to sing, I had to look away and pull myself together so I could finish the cantata.

What I have been reminded about this week is that marriage is not just about falling in love, but about commitment ~ keeping promises. Watching Carl and Marjon during these past weeks has really shown me what true love is. Marjon has cared for, fought and cried for her husband. When Dad and I went to visit Carl at home, he told us about his concern for Marjon and the emotional toll it had taken on her. It is simply amazing to see the love they have for each other. They are outspoken about their trust in God and look to Him for daily strength as well as asking for healing, but more importantly that God’s will be done in the whole situation.

This story is much bigger than just Carl and Marjon, it is affecting many other people in the area. All of our marriages touch countless people. You may not know it but others are watching you. If they see you struggling in your marriage yet continue to be faithful and work through difficult times, it often gives them hope and encouragement to keep on being faithful in their own marriage.

Faithfulness in any situation is a rare thing and a bright light in our world today. When a husband and wife keep their wedding promises for months, years, and decades – people take notice. Our society has made it far too easy to break promises, but when you stay faithful to your vows even though it’s not easy, it gives others hope. We’ll never know the impact of our actions until we reach Heaven, but I know God is smiling when He sees faithfulness.

A few years ago I was flying home from Idaho and sitting next to a single guy. We did the usual chit-chat and then he, noticing my wedding ring, asked how long I had been married. When I replied “35 years” he was quite amazed. Then came his next question “What two words would you say helped you stay in a marriage that long?” After thinking a bit I said “Forgiveness and Promises.”

In light of seeing Carl and Marjon and their family’s love and promises kept, I thank you all my precious daughters for the love you have shown to Dad and I. We pray for you and your families every day. Even though our marriage has been through some tough times, I’m so glad that we kept our promises to each other, because we are now reaping the rewards of commitment that we promised so many years ago.

Love, Mom Joy2

The Male Mind

December 3, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Not long ago, some people argued that there were no innate differences between boys and girls, it was simply a matter of how they were raised. But the last 10 years of neuroscience has disproved this completely. Well before the baby even comes into the world, the brain of a male baby gets bombarded with up to 20 times more testosterone than a female baby. The female brain has much more oxytocin (the bonding, mothering hormone) than does a male. In other words men’s brains simply do not work like a woman’s, something we need to be aware of in order to communicate effectively with them.

Men’s brains also need to rest more than women’s, with the result that men tend to need mental naps more than women. At the end of the day men don’t want plot, story, or character development, they just want escape (buildings blowing up, cars crashing, tires squealing). On the other hand, women have 15 percent more blood flow in their brains, so they often tend to be able to process complex entertainment.

How I wish I would have known this 30 years ago. I could never understand Dad’s love of all the above escaping devices. I remember thinking “Why can’t he just be more like me?” (as if that would be the answer to all our problems) Gary Thomas says “Stop expecting him to act or think like a woman. He can’t do that.” We can’t expect our husbands to talk with us like our sisters, mother, or other female friends. And if we do, we’ll be terribly disappointed.

Give Him Time. Many neurological studies show that men may take up to seven hours longer than women to process complex emotional data. The reason is that men have a smaller hippocampus in the limbic system of the brain (which processes emotional experiences). Also, the bundle of nerves that connects the left and right portions of the brain – allowing the processing of emotions – is about 25 % smaller in men than in women. So………if you have a disagreement just after breakfast and you take about 15 minutes to understand why you feel so angry, remember that your husband may not get to that point until dinnertime! We usually don’t want to wait that long so we push for getting the emotions and feelings out right away, but we need to give him time.

There is a story about one woman who insisted on talking things out before she and her husband went to sleep. He wanted to have more time to think about what he was going to say, which she refused. Then he infuriated her even more by falling asleep in the middle of the conversation. I guess the bottom line is to remember that men are just not as efficient as woman in processing emotional data, and for us to be patient.

One helpful suggestion is to learn how to bring subjects up without attacking our husbands. Most men are willing to discuss something, given some advance warning, and without feeling like they are being blamed for something they did wrong, which brings us up to the next subject:

Stonewalling Stonewalling describes how men may shut down emotionally and verbally, ignoring you and basically withdrawing from the conversation. Most men don’t immediately like to talk through distressing emotional events (frustrations at work or other relationships) simply because it brings them pain. It can actually bring physical pain for them to talk through hurtful experiences.

Because of the way the female brain works, talking through emotional issues has a calming effect, while the opposite is true for most men. When we understand that a verbal barrage takes more out of your husband than it does out of you, and that it takes longer for him to recover from such an exchange, we may begin to realize that criticizing, complaining, and displaying contempt will not allow us to properly communicate with our man. A good reminder is Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath.

When a husband is constantly criticized, blamed or is treated harshly by a wife, it almost always causes him to shut down. Finally I am beginning to understand why Dad wouldn’t talk to me the way I wanted in our early years. I was not patient, kind or gentle. I wanted him to talk when I wanted to talk, which was usually immediately. Plus I thought my opinions were better than his when it came to emotional stuff, so I wanted him to listen and agree with me. So, naturally he would stonewall – often because of the manner in which I would approach problems.

After all these years I am learning to wait and pray for wisdom about when to bring up certain subjects. It may be days after a situation happened, and the amazing thing is that sometimes I don’t even need to broach certain topics. I find that when I lean on God more and seek His timing, the Holy Spirit does His work so my work is less.

Remember, we are to allow God to change us so that He can be free to do the work that needs to be done in our husbands.

Love, Mom

The Glory of Faithfulness

November 25, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I was having lunch recently with a friend of mine who was seriously contemplating divorce. Sarah said that she had changed a lot since she married and her husband had not, which in her mind gave her permission to divorce. She was not feeling fulfilled in life so was following her heart and leaving him.

Our culture glorifies selfishness and the popular idea to follow our hearts. Books and movies exalt our emotions and encourage us to allow romantic intensity to rule. Families often fall apart because we have lost our respect for responsibility. At the beginning of our romantic relationship, the intensity can enthrall us. In a sense we have become romantic gluttons. When the feelings aren’t there anymore many give up, thinking that if we don’t feel romantic all the time, love is over. Marriage is difficult, but once we choose that commitment, we need to take on the responsibilities that marriage requires.

It would be good for us, says author Gary Thomas, “to recapture the beauty of responsibility and the glory of faithfulness.” Responsible Wives doesn’t sound nearly as exciting as Desperate Housewives but the implication is profound. Sadly, our society sees actresses and supermodels as people to emulate, but their physical beauty often peaks in their twenties, while the beauty of a Godly, responsible woman grows more beautiful with each decade.

I remember when I was in my forties and all of you were in your teens and early twenties, feeling that I was becoming outdated and not needed much anymore. I became insecure because my outward beauty was beginning to fade. Then some tough relational issues came up in our family and I learned that I was needed – to provide encouragement, love, forgiveness and faithfulness. Since then the Lord has shown me that outer beauty is fleeting, and that as mature women our goal should be to grow more beautiful in our spirit. This beauty can only come from the Spirit of God as He teaches us to love. The best ever definition of love is:

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,

Always perseveres.

Love never fails. I Corinthians 13: 4-7

Our greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against us. But their sin never justifies our sin. Jesus tell us to love in the face of evil. I can still remember Grandpa telling me Kill them with kindness. It is a fact that kindness kills strife far more effectively than nagging, complaining, or disrespect. I have known that fact for years, but I am sad to say that I really didn’t start intentionally doing it until about 10 years ago. That’s one of the reasons I’ve starting writing these Musings to you. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I have made in the past. It seems so hard to be kind to someone who isn’t kind to us, but the interesting thing is that God never asks us to do anything that He hasn’t done himself. He forgave us, and showed us great kindness even when we didn’t deserve it. He loved us even when we didn’t love or obey Him, and since we have his Spirit within us we are able to do the same.

I am continually amazed to learn how relevant and practical the Bible is for married people. It’s not a live happily ever after book that pretends no one will ever hurt us. Instead it promises that we will be hurt and wronged, but also gives specific advice to help us respond responsibly. Even if the person who sins against me doesn’t change, I can change. It’s a win-win situation. If we respond out of spite, repaying evil for evil, two things happen – the situation gets worse, and we get bitter and more resentful. But if we repay good for evil, we will grow more responsible, loving, kind and beautiful. The amazing result of following Jesus’ commands is that God can mature you in an unhealthy marriage as well as a healthy marriage.

Gary Thomas has counseled many people, and he says that every divorced person has encouraged him to urge others to spend at least the same amount of time and effort trying to save the marriage as they’ll have to spend coping with the pain, heartache and financial cost of a split.

If we decide to bless our husbands, we will be blessed. Just as IRAs take decades of investing small amounts to produce a good retirement package, so a marriage grows slowly over decades, becoming more beautiful and reaping the benefits of lifelong responsibility and commitment.

If we truly want to influence our husbands, then we need to work hard to become responsible wives. The words “Responsible Wife” may not sound very sexy, and I’m certain that TV producers certainly will not ever film a prime-time TV drama using that phrase, but the concept is important, powerful and life-giving.

Love, Mom

1,000 Gifts

November 18, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

One Sunday in January 2011 my friend, Jolene, came up to me after church and asked if I had heard of the book 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. She simply mentioned that I might enjoy it. Being ever curious about new books I went home and looked it up on Amazon, read the free pages and wept. I ordered it, started reading and was totally consumed. The premise of the book is that God has given us gifts, no, showered us with gifts every day of our lives – but do we see them as gifts and say “Thank you”? Never before had I read someone like Ann who was so vulnerable, sharing with me her insecurities, doubts, anxieties, disappointment with God and her fierce struggle to find joy in everyday living. Immediately I felt a kinship with her and was ready to learn whatever it was that had made her become so honest, bold, and joyful.

As the story goes a friend of Ann’s, knowing her struggle with life, dared her to write a list of a thousand things she loves. Ann started that very day to chronicle the simple gifts of life – jam on toast, the cry of a blue jay, wool sweaters with turtleneck collars. She became surprised by joy that the naming these gifts had created in her. Joy that had eluded her for years had appeared through the simple act of thanksgiving.

So I bought a journal and started writing down gifts, not gifts that I want, but gifts God has already given me. Looking for gifts and writing them down in detail felt like I was on a quest for beauty – something I had never done before. I felt new joy coming over me. I became more aware of the beauty in our home, in the surrounding countryside. I started thanking God for the little things: my ten fingers, the energy to fold Dad’s socks, the tulips that were blooming, melted butter on my broccoli. I found that I couldn’t name just three a day – it became 5, 10, sometimes more – simply because it brought delight that I hadn’t realized I had been missing. It was easy to write down so many good gifts ….for many months.

Then came what Ann calls “the hard Eucharisteo” (the Greek word for thanks). My health started declining and I was forced to quit my job teaching music at school. I didn’t want to give thanks for that because I was angry that my body wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do. I cried, prayed for healing, and fell into the pit of despair. Finally, in the midst of my anger and disappointment, simply out of obedience to God, I haltingly started to give thanks for stuff I didn’t like. As Ann points out, but what I was not yet ready to accept, is that God is able to use the hard things in life for our good and growth.

I read 1,000 Gifts again to reinforce what I had been learning, to remember, because I found that I have “soul amnesia” as Ann call it. How easy it is to slip down into the hole of self-pity when illness strikes. When I finished reading the book a third time, I read it again – I had to for survival. Oftentimes I would thank God for what was happening to me though I was merely saying the words in faith. I did not feel the least bit thankful. Through many sleepless, tear drenched nights I knew in my intellect that I could trust Him, but my heart was screaming that perhaps He couldn’t be trusted. I hated it that I didn’t understand what was happening to my body. I didn’t like the chronic fatigue that defined my life.

In the midst of all this, Dad was there. I know God was there too, but I think he used Dad to comfort me in my sorrow, listen to my wonderings and anger against God, and hold me when I was sobbing. Because of his love and care for me I learned to love him more than I ever have. Just a few years ago I would have been angry that Dad didn’t have words for me. I wanted answers. But he was wise enough to simply listen and share my grief. I learned to be thankful for his presence, our simply being together. Slowly, oh so slowly, I am gaining strength and I am able to give thanks even in this time of life that I would have never scripted for myself.

Through it all I have to believe that God is good even though life is not going how I would like. He comforts me with these words. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever.

Love, Mom

The Helper

November 12, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

God made it quite evident during Creation that He had a purpose in mind when He created Eve – “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Gen. 2:18) This is the reason God created woman – to be a helper to her husband. Some women find this to be demeaning, but if that is the case, does the Bible demean God when it describes Him as our helper? I was surprised to read the following verses describing God: The Lord is your shield and helper (Deut. 33:29) The Lord is with me; he is my helper (Psalm 118:7). As Gary Thomas in Sacred Influence points out, Genesis pictures a man created with an acute vulnerability. He is clearly not self-sufficient; he needs someone to come alongside him. Adam, and every man after him is “made for fellowship, not power; he will not live until he loves, giving himself away to another on his own level.”

So, being our husband’s helper is our high calling. It assumes, in one sense, that we have something that the person we are helping lacks. When we entered into marriage, we agreed to forsake our “me-first,” single-orientated worldview and build a couple. Helping takes on different forms in every marriage, but it always serves the other person’s good.

On a side note, we were created to be our man’s helper – not our children’s mother. Certainly we are to care for and nurture our children, but that love is always supposed to flow out of a lifestyle that is first and foremost committed to helping our husbands. I must say that when Dad and I first started having children, caring for them became my main focus, but it shouldn’t have. Many of our conflicts arose because I did not include dad in the child-rearing part of our marriage. I just thought I could handle it all myself – which oftentimes left dad out in the cold. Thankfully, God gradually turned that around, and I was able to put things in their proper place – which made for a much better marriage and family life.

The next section of the chapter entitled “The Helper” deals with submission, which in today’s world can evoke many negative responses. But in Ephesians, Paul writes that all of us are to “submit to each other out of reverence for Christ.” The wife’s submission to her husband gets placed in the context in which a husband is called to be like Christ – laying down his life for his wife, loving her, serving her, just like Christ loved us enough to die for us.

It is interesting that Jesus submitted to his parents. Here he was, the Creator of the universe, submitting to two human creatures, not because they were somehow more worthy than he, but because this is what his heavenly Father asked of him. So, submission is not determined by the worthiness of the other person, but out of reverence for Christ. We can assume that we will have to watch our husbands fail and make mistakes. And when they do fail, that is when they need our encouragement the most, not our criticisms.

The famous feminist, Laura Doyle, shocked some of her peers in 1999 when she released The Surrendered Wife. In her book, Laura admitted that she was unhappy in her marriage, so she talked to some other men and asked what they wanted in their wives. Then she started putting into practice what these other men had told her. She stopped nagging, cut out the complaints and criticisms, and started letting him lead in important decisions. When she treated him that way, he became a “fabulous” husband. I found the same thing when I first realized that I had been trying to change Dad all those years. When I simply started praying for him, stop the criticisms, and started encouraging, he became a much better husband, and I became a much happier wife. It’s when we give ourselves in sacrificial love that we become more spiritually mature. When we put our husband’s needs before our own, this is truly when we become fulfilled. It’s the opposite of what the world teaches, but then again, isn’t everything in the Bible opposite of what the world teaches?

The last question of the chapter challenges us that if we really want to move our man to become the best he can be, begin every day by praying this prayer: “Lord, how can I help my husband today?”

Love, Mom

Loving a Wounded Man

November 3, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There was once a family pet toy poodle that loved to chase cars. One afternoon she finally caught one and got injured. Her owner ran out to the road to retrieve the dog, and that little poodle became a monster. Frenzied with fear and pain, the dog kept biting her owner as he gathered her into his arms. He had tried to help her, to bring her healing, but the pain so overwhelmed her that she bit the hands that were trying to nurture her.

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence, tells this story because our husbands can be like that. Every man has been wounded in some way – maybe you married a deeply wounded man. Sometimes hurting men bite, and sometimes they bite the very hands that are trying to bring healing. But we need to patiently pray for long-term change – nurturing him instead of resenting and condemning him. We need to think of marriage as a marathon, not as a 100-yard dash. Human beings are complex and it takes time for trust to be earned.

Give your husband the benefit of the doubt.

It’s so easy to stew over our husband’s relational shortcomings – “why won’t he talk to me, why doesn’t he seem to care?” But the fact may be that he is simply incompetent – he just honestly doesn’t know what you need, or what he’s supposed to do.

There is a myth out there that if your husband really loves you, he’ll be able to read your mind and know exactly what to do to please you. But the fact is that we need to be direct in our speaking, in what we need (not just want). Love is a commitment and a choice – not telepathy.

Respect the position even when you disagree with the person.

God calls wives to respect their husbands (Eph. 5:33) It doesn’t say for wives to respect perfect husbands, or even great husbands, it simply says to respect your husband. That’s been a big problem for me. I’ve always thought that my opinion was the best opinion, and if Dad didn’t agree – well, the conversation was over. I think I felt like he was rejecting me as a person when he didn’t agree with me, but I had to learn that he still loved me, he just didn’t agree with every opinion I had. I needed to learn to respect him and his opinion even when it was different than mine.

Give him the same grace that God gives you.

Because Jesus Christ has given us forgiveness and grace, He wants us to give the same to our husbands. It takes great spiritual maturity to offer grace, love, and mercy – giving the same benefits that we ourselves have received from God our Father. Think back and remember how much God has done for you – he’s seen every wicked act you’ve ever committed, heard every bit of gossip you have passed on, noticed every ugly hateful thought you have had – and yet He still loves you. And now comes the hard part – will we give our husbands what God has given us?

Form your heart through prayer.

Practice praying positive prayers for your husband. Find several things that he does really well and start thanking God for them. Prayers of thankfulness literally form our soul. One session of thankfulness is not nearly enough, it has to be done every day – steady and persistent.

Drop unrealistic expectations.

Your husband will not meet all your needs, only your Creator can do that. Ruth Graham (Billy’s wife) said it this way. “I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her what only Jesus Christ can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding…tender and loving, anticipating every need. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain.”

Whew! Lots of good things to do, but the most important of all is

Forming your heart through prayer.

We simply cannot love without God’s help, and we can’t change overnight. God will give you the grace to do what he wants you to do today. And then there will be a fresh batch of grace for you tomorrow. Every day I pray for all of you my daughters, that your marriages will grow in love and trust more and more as we continue to learn how to love as Jesus loves.

Love, Mom

Boxes, Bins, Barrels and Totes

October 28, 2014 / Shari Baar / 1 Comment

October 27, 2014

Dear Daughters,

Once again I am in the middle of stacks, piles, decisions, and emotions. Stacks of things to be thrown out or given away, piles of memories to be sorted through, decisions of what goes where, and emotions which are scattered all across the landscape.

After living for 27 years in the beautiful state of Michigan, enjoying being near you and all your families, we are leaving to return to Idaho, as you know. Though we are growing old, Grandpa and Grandma, both in their eighth decade, are growing older, and needing us to help care for them.

So we leave, with heavy hearts, joy-filled hearts, broken hearts and hearts full of anticipation to what God has in store for us. Having only been caretakers for our children and grandchildren at the beginning of their lives, caring for parents near the culmination of their lives will be a new adventure.

Dad and I have been reading through the book The Spirituality of Caregiving by Henri Nouwen during the past week. The opening thought of the book took me by surprise. The word care finds its root in the word kara which means “to lament, to mourn, to participate in suffering, to share in pain.” Even though we have done all those things at various times and in countless ways with many of our family and loved ones in our lives already, this chapter will be totally different.

I am reminded of the beauty of faithfulness, especially in marriage, as we prepare to move. Though Dad and I have had struggles in our marriage we fought for love, for understanding and for grace – a battle not easily won, but so worth the fight. Because we have learned to care for each other our bonds have become strong, so we will be able to be a united front in caring for my parents, whose bonds have also become stronger over their 64 years together. They too have been through hardships – the death of a son, physical limitations, and the everyday strains and pulls of life.

God only knows how long any of our lives will be, but as we continue learning to forgive, sharing in each other’s pain, trusting God to teach us His ways, we will become faithful as He is faithful. We, as a family, have actually been caregivers, according to the definition above. We have suffered with, we have lamented, we have mourned each other’s losses, we have shared our pain as a family. So we have all learned to care. I thank all of you for allowing us to lament, grieve, rejoice and share your pain. We will continue to do so, yet now it will be from a distance.

As we prepare to leave we grieve, we mourn, we question why. This weekend, as we spent our last time together as a family for many months, it was so hard. It was wonderful to be with you all, to watch the little ones play, the older ones becoming so grown-up, the teasing, laughter and celebration with food. But then came the good-byes….. for now. My heart was breaking, tears streaming down our faces and I wondered “Are we doing the right thing?” For many years I thought that doing the right thing would feel good. But I have had to learn that doing right sometimes hurts. Jesus obeyed his Father perfectly and it hurt him. Can I expect any less?

God is good and His will is that we live responsibly today and trust Him for tomorrow. It’s hard, it hurts, but I know it’s the only way that will bring joy. So, my dear daughters,

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back

The sun shine warm upon your face

The wind blow soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

(The Old Irish Blessing)

Love, Mom

Making One Thing New

October 16, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Several decades ago, Aunt Val gave me a cutting board she had made in high school woodshop. She had carefully cut out thin strips of various kinds of wood, glued them together, varnished them and proudly given it to me on my birthday. I have chopped countless vegetables, fruits, nuts, and meats on that faithful board, but there came a time when I started using thin plastic cutting boards for ease of cleaning and storing.

One day Dad found that well-worn cutting board in the pile going to Goodwill and took it out because he had an idea of making it into something new. As you know, I have been annoyed in past years when Dad wants to save things I would rather throw out or give away. I’m sure I made some snide remark when he told me he was going to save it for a project because, of course, we all know about his black hole of unfinished projects in the basement. What goes in never comes out. I quickly dismissed the incident from my mind.

Several months later he showed me his completed project. From that worn out, cut up, beat up board he had made a beautiful table for my plants. I was quite impressed. Over the years that board had become so ugly, splinters coming off the edges, dull and useless (so I thought) but now it was transformed into a striking piece of art.

For over ten years now it has faithfully held my favorite green ivy plant, curling and twisting around. About the same time I put the ivy on this plant stand someone gave me a little decorative tile to stick in the dirt. I really didn’t look at the words imprinted on the decorative stick, I just put it in the dirt because I liked the colors. Recently though, I looked at that transformed cutting board and the words on the stick.

“I make all things new.”

Revelation 21:5

I will admit, sometimes I am a very slow learner. It takes years after I learn something intellectually to make it a habit in my life. Looking at the previously battered cutting board now transformed into a new thing along with the scripture in the ivy, I finally realized that this is precisely what’s happening in me and my family. I used to be ungrateful, critical, quick to find fault with people. But through many years and God’s faithful chiseling on my personality I am learning to become grateful for the good gifts He gives me every day. I have learned to encourage and build up instead of criticize and tear down. I search out the good in people instead of focusing on the annoying traits. Of course I still stumble and fall, but I feel like I am continually becoming a new person.

All throughout the Bible, from beginning to end, in story after story, God is making all things new. Look at Joseph, the self-centered, arrogant teenager bragging to his brothers about the dreams he’s dreamed. God didn’t just say, Now you shape up, get humble and quit bragging about those dreams. Instead, God allowed circumstances in his life to humble him. Tough circumstances like sitting in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Suffering worked humility into him, so well that he was able to forgive his brothers for the evil they showed toward him.

And then there’s Moses. As the young Prince of Egypt, he was ready to help his fellow Israelites escape their cruel slave masters by murdering one of them. Again, God didn’t just give him a stern talking to, telling him to change. He provided 40 years as a shepherd on the back side of a desert in order to humble and chisel him into someone who would become a fearless leader.

This is God’s way. He is never in a hurry, but patiently, consistently and gently provides life for us, bringing us to the end of ourselves and opening our eyes to our need for Him. Every day is a new day, as he is molding us to be more like Him. He molds us into His gracious personality. And the really cool thing is when just one person starts submitting, it becomes infectious to others in the vicinity.

Of course, marriage is a major chiseling tool for God to bring changes into our personality. For a time I felt like Dad’s and my relationship had become battered, worn and dull. But when I invited God to help me love, teach me to respect, and speak the language of peace and forgiveness, He began to make our marriage new. So………even if you feel like your marriage is beat up, full of slivers, and just plain worn out – never fear. God makes all things new, as long as you let Him have His way with you.

Accept with an open hand whatever comes your way, trusting your Heavenly Father to have the love and wisdom to mold you into his likeness.

Love, Mom

Branches and Trees

Page 19 of 20

All Is Well

Men and Metal

North Michigan Cantata

The Male Mind

The Glory of Faithfulness

1,000 Gifts

The Helper

Loving a Wounded Man

Boxes, Bins, Barrels and Totes

Making One Thing New

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