Branches and Trees

Musings on Marriage

Page 8 of 20

Anxiety and the Old Testament

Dear Daughters,

I used to be embarrassed by the Old Testament.  With all the traumatic events mentioned during those thousands of years – murder, sexual exploitation, military invasions, natural disasters, political scandals, family dysfunction – I used to think it was all a bit too racy to be included in a holy book.  I remember pondering,

If I were God and wanted people to love and believe in me, I would have sanitized those stories, made them a bit more neat and tidy, kept out the ugliest sections…

Good thing I’m not God… 

Kim Baar

The older I get and the more time I spend reading the Old Testament, the more I’m amazed at how comforting it is to read about people who have lived through dreadful life stories and have come through with even greater trust in their Creator. 

Take Abraham and the promise God gave him when he was 75 years old – that he would become the father of many nations.  It finally happened when he was 100 – impatiently waiting for a promise that took 25 years to fulfill.  In the meantime, there was strife in the household as Abraham and his barren wife Sarah tried to help God out by having Abraham sleep with her maidservant and birth a child using their own wisdom.  Which, by the way, made a big mess out of the original plan.  Yet, as God always does, he brings good out of evil and his promises do come to pass – not a moment too soon or too late.

And then there’s Moses.  When God chose him to deliver His people from slavery in Egypt, he gave God every possible reason why he shouldn’t be the one.  He was not an orator, he was scared, nervous and tried to convince God to choose someone else.  Moses had murdered an Egyptian 40 years earlier and had extreme fear and trembling, unconvinced he was the one to lead a million people cross-country through the desert.  Yet, he reluctantly agreed.  God showed up when He said he would, working through Moses with his brother Aaron as his mouthpiece, and the rest is 40 years of desert history.

Remember Naomi, the widow who lost not only her husband but both sons to death within about ten years?  She asked others to call her Mara, meaning bitter, instead of Naomi, which means pleasant:

 The Strong one has dealt me a bitter blow.  I left here [Bethlehem] full of life and God has brought me back with nothing but the clothes on my back.  Why would you call me Naomi?  God certainly doesn’t. The Strong One ruined me.  Ruth 1:20

She was acrimonious toward God, resentful, and near hopeless.  Amazing to me, God allowed those words of hers to be recorded for millions of others to read.  Even though she had given up on God, He had not given up on her and had planned a good ending for the tragic story she was living.  When she returned to her home in Bethlehem along with her daughter-in-law Ruth, God provided a husband for Ruth, who in turn gave birth to a son – Naomi’s grandson – who ended up becoming an ancestor of King David and was named in the genealogy of Jesus Christ. 

God loved Naomi back to life again.  She was no longer bitter and empty, but became full and satisfied.  It took years of heartache, honesty, pain and a long obedience in the same direction, but she was healed of her grief. 

God isn’t afraid of letting it be known publicly that his people sometimes don’t trust him.  He’s not ashamed that he is perceived as harsh, unfair and demanding.  He lets us speak our emotions, even though they may not be the truth about who he is. Yet he humbly conceals Himself as he works all things together for good – to those who love him.  As CS Lewis writes:

We may ignore but we can in no way evade the presence of God. 

The world is crowded with him.

He walks everywhere incognito.

My friend Kara’s favorite story in the OT is about Samson.  Samson the womanizer, the royal screw-up, the proud and arrogant man who disobeyed God and lived a haughty and egotistical life.  Yet in the end he was humbled and God was able to do mighty things through him.

Samson is the last Biblical person I would admire, yet that story gave my friend great hope that even with all her failures and sin, God has and is still redeeming her life in amazing ways.  His mercies never fail, He never gives up on us.

Whenever we read Facebook or Instagram posts of seemingly perfect people and families, taken at a moment of peace and success, we seem to assume this is everyday normal for them.  The Old Testament, however, shows characters as real people – their struggles, weaknesses, failures and joys – and how God works through all of them to bring about good to those who will receive it.  For me, the stories remove anxiety because it’s not the people themselves who pose as heroes but are shown for who they are, as fallen humans in the hands of a merciful God.

Do not fear for I am with you;

Do not be dismayed for I am your God;

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

Isaiah 41:10

These stories give me great confidence.  When I see how God has worked through all those people of old, how He was never in a hurry, how He continued to forgive, how His love was and is so long-suffering and patient – it gives me hope.  It helps me to trust and believe that God is who he says he is, He keeps his promises.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

When I look at all the uncertainty of our age, the virus, the anger and divisions between people groups, the pandemic of fear and anxiety trying to infect us all – I stop and read these stories.  I read and re-read them, and it brings me peace.  This is not the first time the world has been a tough place to live and it won’t be the last – there is indeed nothing new under the sun. 

Take heart and know God cares about you, just like he has cared about all those people living thousands of years ago.  He has not forgotten you, he has not forgotten about us as His people. He’s working through all of us – together.

Give all your worries and cares to God,

for he cares about you. 

1 Peter 5:7

Love, Mom

The Symphony is Over

Dear Daughters,

The music is over.  Taps has been played, the dirt has been shoveled on the casket, we have all said our goodbyes.  Tears have flowed, hugs given, the scent of fragrant flowers and memories still lingering as we left the cemetery.

Olivia Prieto

Six weeks ago, Grandpa said the same thing he has said numerous times during the last few years:

I’m going downhill like a rocket.

Inevitably the next days he would improve and we would continue on with our song of life.  So it was no surprise when he commented about the rocket again.  The only difference being that this time he didn’t improve.

Hospice came to the house and gave him military honors, Chaplain Dick presenting Grandpa with a certificate thanking him for his service in World War II.  Tawnya, Jean and Dick – all from Hospice – videotaped a Life Review as I asked questions and he willingly told stories.

Grandpa’s heart was tired, it had served him faithfully for 94 years but grew steadily weaker by the day.

My memories of you four girls calling just a few hours before Grandpa died, will forever be in my heart.   We had planned for your singing at 8:30 Monday evening, but I didn’t think he would live that long.  Fifteen minutes later you were on the phone, singing:

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now I’m found,

Was blind but now I see.

How beautiful hearing the melody along with tears and wavering voices for several more verses.  And then, as Grandma would always have it, we just had to modulate to the next step higher.  Whenever Grandma would play hymns on the piano she could never stay in the same key – we always had to go higher and with more intensity.

The last verse was the final anthem he heard in his life here on earth:

When we’ve been there 10,000 years

Bright shining as the sun.

We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise

Then when we first began….

Grandpa had not spoken or opened his eyes for over 12 hours, but when he heard your voices his eyes fluttered open momentarily.  He was breathing slowly but steadily.  Two hours later he was gone.

Olivia Prieto

The celebration of life at church was beautiful: 

Amazing Grace

I Can Only Imagine…

Wind Beneath My Wings

I’ll Fly Away

The Dutch song Lang Zal se Leven

And finally,

The Hallelujah Chorus

Every night when Dad and I would come home after a day away, Grandpa would say

I’m glad you’re home Shari.

We would leave a few days a week, leaving Grandpa in the care of friends and helpers.  And every time we would come home his remark was always the same:

Shari, I’m glad you’re home.

And now, after five and a half years of Grandpa saying that to me, I can say to him:

I’m glad you’re home, Dad.

Love, Mom

A Grateful Life

Dear Daughters,

After 94 years Grandpa’s chest is still, his heart no longer beating.  He was sleeping peacefully in his favorite chair, and then he was gone.  The struggle is over, he has met Jesus face to face.

During the previous few days the house has been full of people saying good-bye, recalling stories from the past, memories of his time shared with them, shouldering the pain and sadness of dying with us.  From laughter to tears, to hugs and handshakes, the days have been rich, beautiful, difficult and sad. 

Ginger, the Hospice nurse came and saw some of our family here to visit Grandpa and commented to him,

You are a lucky man to have so many people around you.

Immediately he said,

 I don’t believe in luck.

I am blessed.

He is blessed, we are blessed – by his generosity, kindness and humor.  Every day the nurse would come in and ask, how are you doing, Lou?  And every day, as long as he could speak he would say, I’m great.

This evening it is silent, painfully quiet.  No more breathing treatments, the oxygen machine is still.  Willow, Grandpa’s faithful dog sits quietly beside his friend’s chair wondering what has happened.

A few weeks ago I gave Grandpa a bell he could ring if he needed me.  The bell had a beautiful tone, deep and rich.   The first few times he rang it I felt like coming in the room standing straight and tall saying – just like Lurch from The Addams Family – You rrrang?  But I didn’t, I just asked what he needed. 

He never asked for much, help to get up, a glass of water, reminding me he was ready to go to sleep.

A few mornings ago he woke up agitated, wanting to get out of his bed, yet knowing he was unable to walk anymore we couldn’t let him.  So I started singing hymns to him.  Because of his lifetime of singing plus the tradition of singing a hymn every night after dinner with Dad and I, he knew many of them by memory and started whispering a few of the words as I sang. 

Amazing Grace

In the Garden

The Old Rugged Cross

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

He relaxed, laid back to rest and grew calm.  My mouth got dry but I kept on singing. 

Yesterday morning he was agitated again so Aunt Rhonda and I decided to sing You Are My Sunshine.  Surprisingly, we remembered all three verses so sang with gusto, being quite pleased with ourselves.  But as we were nearing the end of the song Grandpa remarked with a wave of his hand, OK, that’s enough sunshine.  What works one day doesn’t always work the next…

Thank you.  Those precious words were the most consistent and common words I heard from Grandpa.  He was so pleased to be able to die in his own home, surrounded by those he loved and was grateful for all the care he received.  Jolene, Judy, Merilee, Ione, Dotty – all friends and helpers faithfully coming to help for days, months, some for years, have become part of our family. 

From the moment we are born, we are in the process of dying.  We don’t often think about life that way but it’s true.  Some of us live a full life, others don’t.  But we all can make the choice to live our one life well, because even though our bodies are wasting away, our Creator Jesus renews our spirits day by day.

Love, Mom

The First Time

Dear Daughters,

Tonight, for the first time ever, Grandpa needed help to go to bed.  Just a month ago he was able to do the bedtime routine on his own but now he needs an oxygen machine to take his every breath.  Dad and I follow him down the hall, Dad pushing R2D2 and me carrying the tubing.  In the short time of a single day he forgot what to do next in getting ready for sleep.  The familiar words

What do I do next?

What do I do now?

What do I do?

echo back in my mind as Grandma would say the same phrases toward the end of her time here on earth.  The world seems to be a scary and confusing place right now for Grandpa, his words come out in a whisper when I ask him if he needs anything else.  His legs give out, he falls, we help him up – oh how difficult life is for him whose eyes have seen so many sunsets. 

My mind goes back to my young, strong dad – working in the barn, the fields, in his workshop – always working with his hands.  Then I think about my decades older dad when he still worked in his shop, pulled some weeds, drove his Gator around, picked apples, fell in the garden and simply rolled over and stood up again. 

Today Pastor Gary and Arie came to serve communion to Grandpa, Dad, Aunt Rhonda and I.  Gary is so thoughtful, remembering to bring a coffee cup with an attached lid containing grape juice since Grandpa’s tremors prevent him from using a small cup. 

I’m not sure I’ve ever celebrated a more precious communion. Here we were sitting with our Pastor, all of us encouraging, suffering and grieving with Grandpa who is so ready to be with his Savior.

Love, faithfulness, friendship, family and communion – especially near the end of life, there are no greater gifts given than these.

Everything is different now.  After I put him to bed last night I went back to my own bedroom and wept.  Tears of weariness, tears of sadness, of seeing a life slowing down and coming toward a close. 

Hospice is a beautiful group of friends, of people who love and care for Grandpa as much as we do.  They walk through the hard, sad times alongside us with joy.  I am grateful.

We are meant for eternity, and for eternity we shall live.  It’s just that the door to our heavenly place is uncharted territory and difficult to walk through.  But walk we will, and we trust Jesus to bring us all safely home in His time.

Love, Mom

Four Anchors

Dear Daughters,

I’ve been kinda crabby lately.  Somedays I just wake up angry.  Dad is annoying me – not intentionally – I’ve just become easily annoyed.  Uncertainty, knowing this world is not what it used to be, the palpable fear and panic in people’s eyes and voices is taking a toll on us all.

Rebekah Lyons summarized my emotions well:

I woke up hoppin’ mad a couple days ago for reasons I couldn’t explain.  Maybe because the adrenaline of a new challenge has worn off, Ground Hog Day has kicked in, the month of positivity and reset is over, and isolation feels indefinite.

We’re all in this pandemic together, but the thoughts we entertain can cause either anxiety and fear or bring us peace.  If I try to look too far into the future and consider what might happen to all of you, your children and our world, I become anxious because the future holds much ambiguity.  But if we’re honest, the future has always been uncertain.  We’ve never had a playbook for the future.  We may have had the illusion of control, but in all reality it was just that, an illusion.

Now, however, the deception is gone forever.  One little virus seems to be virtually ruling the entire world – except for the cool continent of Antarctica. 

How then shall we think?  The thoughts we think become our emotions which in turn drives everything we say and do.

On what anchors for our soul can we truly rely?  Mark Batterson points out in Acts 27, when Paul and many others had been on a ship for 14 days in a severe storm on the Adriatic Sea, there was fear that they would be dashed against the rocks, so …they dropped four anchors from the stern and prayed for daylight.

The only true words I know, which can be anchors for our soul, those which have been true for millennium, are out of the #1 Bestseller of all time – The Bible.  Here’s a few anchors I have been dropping in my mind lately in order to keep free from anxiety:

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger,

abounding in love.  Psalm 103:8

Psalm 103 is one of my favorite Psalms, it speaks throughout about how He has brought me out of the pit, crowned me with love and compassion, satisfies me with good things, and forgives all my sins.  Although King David who wrote this song lived 1,000 years before Jesus, his words still ring true today.

My second anchor is:

For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are Your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.  Isaiah 55:8-9

Since God is the Creator of everything seen and unseen as well as the Creator of me, it is an undeniable fact that His thoughts are higher than mine.  An astrophysicist has estimated our universe to be about 93 billion light years.  Since a single light-year is the distance light travels in one year (around 6 trillion miles) and He has created everything within our universe, I know He’s a lot wiser than I. It’s a bit like comparing my thoughts to an ant’s thoughts – though a trillion times more. He understands many things I cannot even imagine.  I don’t always like or even understand His thoughts, but I believe they are true and good.

The third anchor for my soul is Romans 8:28:

For we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. 

Notice He doesn’t say all things are good.  It’s a well-known fact that bad things happen to good people, life is unfair…  Yet, God is the God of great reversals, He brings light out of darkness, life out of death. Just remember the stories of Joseph, Job, Ruth, Esther, King David and Jesus.  They all went through dark, scary, uncertain times, yet God eventually brought good out of everything. 

Of course there were years of grief, heartache and despair, yet the ending in every single story was good.  Reading the Old Testament stories are a wonderful antidote for anxiety. And since Jesus says he is the same yesterday, today and forever, I believe He will bring good out of this tragedy as well.

And my fourth anchor is 2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, and of power, and of a sound mind.

Just repeating this verse gives me comfort.  It reminds me that fear doesn’t come from God – only love, power and a sound mind come from Him. 

All fear is but the notion that God’s love ends,

says Ann Voskamp.

So even though it sounds simple to keep these four anchors in my mind, it is not easy. The dire predictions for the future will come, yet I will – with the help of the Holy Spirit – believe that this world is not my home, I’m just-a-passin’ through. Then my soul is at peace, and amazingly, joy and love slip in the back door.  I will not get annoyed so easily at circumstances out of my control.

In the first book of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Frodo – the bearer of the Ring – laments that a great evil has disrupted his life. 

I wish it need not have happened in my time, he says.

Gandalf responds with both compassion and wisdom:

So do I, and so do all who live to see such times.  But that is not for them to decide.  All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

I think I will decide to hang on to the anchors that will steady me in the time of this storm and wait for the daylight. 

Love, Mom

Thanksgiving at the Table

Dear Daughters,

This week I have been meditating on how Jesus spent the last few days of His short life here on earth.  I find it quite astounding that the day before he was brutally murdered, he celebrated the Jewish Passover meal with his 12 disciples. 

In Israel, over 2,000 years ago where the Last Supper was celebrated, people walked most everywhere they traveled.  It was common in those days after coming into someone’s home to have a servant wash the guests’ feet.  The dusty roads in first century Israel made it imperative for feet to be washed before a meal since people usually reclined at a low table and dirty feet would be quite evident.

What was surprising the night of this meal, was that Jesus already knew that his traitor, Judas Iscariot, was just about ready to leave and collect his 30 pieces of silver – a reward for betraying his teacher.  He knew Peter was soon to deny that he even knew Jesus, and the other ten disciples would scatter in fear.  Yet, Jesus knelt down in humility and servanthood, took a towel and stooped before each one of those disciples. He washed their feet, all 24 of them, dried them, then walked back and took his place at the table.

I have heard this story many times, so many in fact that in years past I had skimmed over those facts, not paying much attention to them.  But somehow, this year the whole story simply stuns me.  Why would Jesus, the Creator of the world, stoop down and be so kind and generous to his friends who often argued among themselves who would be the greatest in this new Kingdom? 

And then, even though he knew all of the beating, mocking, whipping and nails that were soon to unveil, he took the loaf of bread in front of him and gave thanks.  Gave thanks??

What was there to give thanks about?

 A group of friends who were going to run away in a few hours? 

Give thanks for the Roman soldiers who would soon flog him? 

Give thanks as he listened to his own people shout for his death?

I was just rereading the story of Aslan’s death in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.   CS Lewis portrays the time before the killing of the great Lion:

A great crowd of people were standing all around the Stone Table and though the moon was shining many of them carried torches which burned with evil-looking red flames and black smoke.  But such people!  Ogres with monstrous teeth, and wolves, and bull-headed men; spirits of evil trees and poisonous plants…Cruels and Hags and Incubuses, Wraiths…

Then the Witch gave a wild, fierce laugh.  ‘The fool!  The fool has come.  Bind him fast.’

For many people in that day, and even today, what Jesus did was utterly foolish.  What kind of King would let his people treat him as they did?  A King who loved his people so much he was willing to die in their place.

As Ann Voskamp wisely writes:

God is love – thus He only gets to define love.

And He defines love as cross-shaped, cross-formed, stretched out, formed into a reaching givenness that leaves the heart breathtakingly vulnerable.

True love is willing to open oneself to hurt and heartache – all the while thanking God in spite of all the betrayal, lies and fear showing their ugliness through people in our lives.  We have all hurt others, we have all betrayed friends, we have all told lies to make ourselves look better.

Yet we are all welcomed to come to Jesus, the bridge between God and man. 

If Jesus was able to give thanks on the eve of his death, focusing on the needs of others before his own, surely I can give thanks during this week as we live in a time of pandemic, uncertainty of the future, and lessened contact with those I love. 

Giving thanks, in both times of joy as well as times of anguish, gives voice to the fact of our certainty and belief in the love of our Savior.  Although the world has changed, our Savior has not and is as close as He has always been.

Love, Mom

Fly Away on a Goose?

Dear Daughters,

Last week I was walking outside and saw three groups of geese, flying in their typical V formations, each following the other.  Because it had been a hard day – Grandpa is failing and the extra care that entails, the pandemic which is affecting us all – I longed to hop on one of those geese and fly away into the beautiful blue sky.

I remember when caring for Grandma at the end stages of dementia over three years ago, I had the same thought – wanting to run away from responsibilities, flee from the hard stuff, fly away and be free of trouble, heartache, aging and death.

So, last night I watched the movie Winged Migration thinking I could imagine the carefree, flying-high life of a bird.  It’s a lovely 2002 film chronicling the migration patterns of storks, swan, geese, eagles, sage grouse, terns, penguins and other feathered friends I had never heard of before. 

I had no idea that many of these birds travel from 1,000 to 2,500 miles every year.  Now I know there are lots of good wind currents available for flying up above the earth but that’s still a lot of wing flapping and energy exerted as they fly from one continent to another.

While watching the movie I learned about the many obstacles migrating birds face as they fly on their yearly journeys. 

*They often endure hostile weather conditions, storms which may blow them off their intended path. 

*Their vulnerability to predators, both human, animal and other birds of prey, is considerably worse than what I imagined.

*Collisions with objects like tall buildings, airplanes or wind turbines can be an unexpected danger.

*Inadequate food supplies can lead to starvation of the birds.

After watching the movie and learning about all the hazards these winged creatures face during their travels, my desire to fly away on one of their backs lessened considerably.  It often seems like other people or creatures have it easier than me, and sometimes I become a bit discouraged.  But the other day I heard a quote by Katherine Wolf:

The obsession of a pain-free life is a ridiculous idea.

Spoken from the mouth of a woman who is 38 years old and in a wheel chair because of a brain stem stroke suffered 12 years ago, I was struck by the fact that she lives with such joy.  She was pursuing a career as a model when her life took a totally unexpected path.

Katherine and her husband, Jay, have weathered months in hospital and rehab centers yet have together written a book called Suffer Strong.  One of their favorite verses is:

we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.    Romans 5:3-5

We will suffer in this life, and anyone who tries to tell us that we should never suffer is setting us up for depression and despair.  It’s not what we suffer, but how we respond to suffering which is the most important.  Yes, life is hard – it has been in the past, it is now, and it will continue to be so.  But when we trust God and give Him thanks, even in the hard times, we can have the joy He has come to give.

So, even though we are limited in what we can do, I know God has put you and me in the places we are for such a time as this.  He has called us to suffer strong, give thanks, and trust that He is working all things together for good. 

I’ve given up the desire to hop on the wings of a goose and fly away into a better life.  I will be content now, enjoying the joy God sends every day of my life.  I’ll continue to help Grandpa with his oxygen, give him the breathing treatments he needs, wrap his swollen ankles and give thanks for life, for the difficult stuff now, and the good things that are yet to come.

Love, Mom

CS Lewis on the Virus

Dear Daughters,

One of my favorite writers, C.S. Lewis (author of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe), wrote an interesting few paragraphs 72 years ago. Even though his essay was written in light of the recently-dropped atomic bomb back in 1945, it is still relevant today. All we need to do is replace the words “atomic bomb” with “Coronavirus.”

I do believe all necessary precautions should be set in place and taken seriously, yet, we are still able to live in peace and not fear.

Fear and anxiety are more contagious than any virus.

John Eldredge

Below are Lewis’ wonderfully wise three paragraphs:

On Living in an Atomic Age (1948) by C.S. Lewis

In one way we think a great deal too much about the atomic bomb. “How are we to live in an atomic age?” I am tempted to reply: “Why, as you would have lived in the sixteenth century when the plague visited London almost every year, or as you would have lived in a Viking age when raiders from Scandinavia might land and cut your throat any night; or indeed, as you are already living in an age of cancer, an age of syphilis, an age of paralysis, an age of air raids, an age of railway accidents, an age of motor accidents.”

In other words, do not let us begin by exaggerating the novelty of our situation. Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented: and quite a high percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways. We had, indeed, one very great advantage over our ancestors – anesthetics; but we have that still. It is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a world already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was not a chance at all, but a certainty.

This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things – praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts – not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.

God is still the same today as He has been throughout eternity. The Coronavirus did not take Him by surprise, and it is only through Him that we are able to have peace in the midst of chaos and panic. God is still good, and Jesus comforts us with His own words:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid. John 14:27

I pray for you as you stand strong in hope and peace.

Love, Mom

Spaghetti and Waffles

Dear Daughters,

The book Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti  is a fascinating metaphor highlighting the differences between men and women.

When you look at a waffle, you see a collection of little boxes each separated by walls.  Every box is detached from the other and they all make convenient holding places.  Apparently, this is typically how a man processes life.  Their thinking is divided up into boxes that have enough room for one issue, but only one issue.  One topic of life goes into the first box, the second goes in the second box, and on and on. 

A typical man, says Bill Farrel, lives in one box at a time.  When a guy is at work he is at work.  When he is in the garage puttering around, he is puttering around.  When he is watching TV….well you know the rest of that sentence.  That’s why he looks as if he’s in a trance and ignores all else that goes around him.  Psychologists call this compartmentalizing – that is putting each part of life into a different compartment. 

Because of the waffle structure of their brains, men are problem solvers by nature.  They enter a box, look at the problem and formulate a solution.  A man strategically organizes his life to spend most of his life in the boxes in which he can succeed.  If possible, he will ignore the boxes that confuse him or make him feel like a failure.  For example, if a man feels like his career brings him success, he spends most of his time at work at the expense of the other boxes.  If being home and communicating with his family is difficult, he will spend more time in front of the TV.  It’s a safe and comfortable box. 

When it comes to communicating, men will often talk only if they believe they can reach a desirable outcome.  But if they see no point to the conversation quickly, they get frustrated and disengage. 

Many men find it easy to develop hobbies that consume their time.  If a man finds something he is competent at and makes him feel good about his life, he will pursue it relentlessly.  He may get emotionally attached to fixing, building, and maintaining projects.  If he is good at gaming, research, computers, or fishing, that will become his focus.  He knows by experience what he gets back from these activities is predictable and safe, which can be much more certain than the outcome of a conversation with his wife. 

So, says Bill and Pam Farrel, basically men spend most of their time doing what they do best while they attempt to ignore the activities which may cause them to feel deficient.  It is challenging for them to jump from one box to another quickly.

The same day I read this interesting phenomenon about men’s brains, I decided to try it out for myself.  Dad and I were working on making a Vistaprint family calendar for you girls.  We have done this in the past and often ended up frustrated with each other because pictures conjure up all kinds of memories for me, but Dad wants to stay with the job of choosing the pictures and keep away from the inevitable walk down memory lane. 

That night we needed to go through lots of pictures, narrowing down to 12 of our favorites.  Ordinarily, I would comment on many pictures, talking about the memories that came up.  I would say something like, Oh……that picture reminds me of the incredibly strong storm that came up on the lake and it was so fierce that we were out of power for 18 hours and the next day was my birthday so we went out to breakfast and later walked along Lake Michigan and……  This time, however, I decided to stay on the task at hand with no small talk.  It was quite amazing how much more smoothly the process went when I let Dad stay in one box and not expect him to hop from one to another.  The process was almost seamless and we got the job finished in record time.

In stark contrast to the waffle model of men, women process life more like a plate of spaghetti.  Looking at a plate of pasta you notice that there are lots of individual noodles that touch one another.  If you tried to follow one noodle around the plate, you would intersect with many other noodles and who knows, you might even switch to another noodle without knowing it.  That’s typically how women face life.  Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue even though it may be only in some remote way.  Life is much more of a process for women than it is for men.

This is why women are so much better at multitasking than men.  We can cook dinner, nurse the baby, instruct older children to quit fighting and get the table set while planning the next days’ activities.  Because all our thoughts, emotions and convictions are connected we can move almost seamlessly from one piece of information to another and keep track of more activities than our husbands.

We consistently love to talk things through as we solve problems and as we do, we connect the logical, relational, emotional and spiritual aspects of the issue.  Men, however, want to stay in one box at a time.  Trying to jump boxes is tiring and confusing for them.  Pam Farrel gives the following illustration of how women tend to sum up their day:

Joan gets home and says,

 “Honey, how was your day?  I had a good day today.  We just committed to a new educational wing at the university, and I have been asked to oversee the budget.  I am so excited that they didn’t rule me out because I am a woman.  You know women have been fighting for a place in society for decades, and it is good to see so much progress being made.  I think it is neat that you treat the women who work for you with so much respect.  Our daughter is so lucky to have you for a dad.  Did you remember that Susie has a soccer game tonight?  I think it is important we are there because the Johnsons are going to be there and I really want you to meet them.  Susie and Bethany are getting to be good friends, and I think we should get to know her parents as well.”

As Joan is talking on and on her husband is getting lost, frantically trying to jump from one box to another in his waffle way of thinking.  He simply cannot understand what the budget at the university has to do with Susie’s soccer game and their need to have a new friendship with the Johnsons. 

God certainly has a sense of humor when we look at men and women in the light of waffles and spaghetti.  Of course He created us this way on purpose so we could complement one another.  Life would be quite boring if we were the same, even though at times it sounds like a good idea.  But I think He must occasionally be chuckling as He watches us learn about each other and strive to communicate.  Frustrations mount and sometimes anger erupts when we just don’t understand our men and they don’t get us, but that’s why we have a lifetime to learn.

So… I will have to ponder better how to communicate with my husband.  I can see already why it is so important to have women friends and daughters to talk with, then our noodles can overlap in conversation and it’s all good.  So thankful you are my friends as well as daughters.

Love, Mom

One Minute Pause

Dear Daughters,

It is a gnarly time to be a human being.  And God cares about your humanity…

John Eldredge writes these words, and gnarly is a great descriptor of the era in which we live.  Twisted, rough, crooked, distorted, dangerous, hazardous, precarious, insecure – all are definitions for the word gnarly.  And some days more than others, I am tempted to feel those emotions. 

The origin of gnarly apparently came from surfers’ slang, from the appearance of a rough sea, where most of the waves are starting to break.  Although I have body surfed during my younger days in Southern California, I have never desired to go out on a stormy day and catch the big waves in the ocean. 

Whenever tempests of life come, they often have to do with people in your sphere of influence or decisions which clamor for your attention.  Because John Eldredge understands people so well and the pain which all our souls endure, he and his team at Ransomed Heart Ministries have put together an amazing little app (and it’s free) to be a sanctuary in the chaos, a sort of lifeline on a stormy day.

I’ve shared it with many people in the last few weeks, so thought I’d share it with you as well.  The app is built around several simple practices, the first which is,

Benevolent detachment – based on the verse:

Cast all your cares upon God, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

I love the word benevolent – kind, compassionate, tenderhearted.  It sounds warm and loving.  Yet when benevolent is paired with the word detachment, they almost seem like opposites. Jesus wants us to love people of course, and to care about the circumstances surrounding them, but He also wants us to understand what our part is and not usurp His role in their lives. 

If you look at the life of Jesus, it’s how he lived.  He loved well but was never dependent on people’s opinions – negative or positive – he simply cared deeply but never entangled himself in order to coerce or control.


What do you need to let go of, to benevolently detach from?

Your children?

Your parents?

The text you just received?

Your expectations of the perfect life you had hoped would someday appear?

Your worries about finances?

Your husband?

Your planning for the future?

The number of likes you received from your latest social media post?

The frustrations of your job?

So often I have the crazy idea that I’m in control of my world, I must figure stuff out on my own, and it’s up to me to make it work.  But this verse reminds me that I don’t have to carry that load, and there’s no way I can.  Jesus has offered to bear it all, so why not let Him? 

There are many instances when we simply cannot fix our own or others’ problems.  We can’t change other people, it’s actually quite tough to bring change in our own lives.  But we can direct them to seek God and His wisdom, surrendering ourselves and others to Him. 

The second practice of the One-Minute Pause App is:

Union with God – We were created to be in union with God, just as Jesus is one with the Father.  Every distraction in the world is bent on getting us away from God, tempting us to trust in our money, in people around us, in our status.  Other folks are not to be our saviors or our idols; our money is not our security – any one of these we could lose tomorrow.  

Bottom line, all of this Union with God boils down to trust. 

Do you trust that God loves you, that He cares about every detail of your life? 

Do you trust that He loves your family more than you do?

 There have been times when I have not believed, when I have doubted, when I thought I knew better than God what I needed.  I actually thought I could do a better job than He, and I lived for years never consulting Him about anything.  Ann Voskamp calls it practical atheism.

But then tough stuff happened, my life was not unfolding as I had hoped or could even imagine and I had no choice but to cast my cares on Jesus.  I had to give up on my own wisdom, my own strength.  Falling into the arms of God is the best decision I have ever made.  Union with God –  it is a safe place, an abode of peace and security. 

The third practice of the One Minute Pause is:

Praying the River of Life – In our life today there is much fear, anxiety, worries about our health, our safety, the threat of war, death, and the loss of human relationships.  How we need to pray for the River of Life – because the river of death is so prevalent all around us – to wash over us, surround and envelope us in His Love. 

I’m amazed to see how much more aware I’ve become of my incessant and continual need for God.  After using the One Minute Pause for a few months, I have found a beautiful reprieve from thinking too much about the past, learning to find joy in the present and not worrying about the future.  I have learned to tether my soul to Him and not be pulled to and fro like waves on the ocean.

If you desire an oasis in the middle of your morning or afternoon, give the One Minute Pause a try. 

Change is a marathon won by a million baby steps.  Ann Voskamp

Love, Mom

If you would like to download the app and give it a try, simply type into Google:

One Minute Pause App

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