Tag: marriage (Page 2 of 6)

Family Trees

December 10, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

As you know, we have relatives of whom we are proud and those we would rather keep hidden. Amazingly, Jesus had the same type of family tree except that he wasn’t ashamed of them. I find it fascinating that before the birth of Jesus is ever mentioned in the book of Matthew, we find a rather lengthy, boring to most, genealogy. God’s history with His people has always been one of openness. There have never been any secrets with Him

In a classic Jewish genealogy women were not included, they were not deemed important enough. Remarkably in Jesus’ there were four women included. Not your good, upright and noble women, but women of shame. He was not consumed with the purity of His pedigree, but in the extreme value of every person on that list. There was Tamar, who disguised herself as a prostitute to trick her father-in-law into sleeping with her as a way of seeking justice from him, Rahab a prostitute from Jericho, Ruth, a foreigner, and Mary with an unplanned pregnancy.

In Jesus’ lifetime a person’s genealogy was similar to our resumes today. It gave a person validation, credentials. As in any resume, we all tend to expand on our best accomplishments and omit our worst failures. The ancients would typically feature ancestors who would hold them in high esteem, but leave out those of whom they were ashamed. Herod the Great, a King of long ago, destroyed his genealogy because he found it too embarrassing. But Jesus included these women in His because in God’s eyes there are no little people, no one who is below the grace of God, no one of whom to be ashamed.

Today I was looking through the homemade book My Life written by your great-grandma Vandermeer. It is a weighty book of genealogy that she spent decades compiling. The cover is thick heavy leather which she personally handcrafted. I still remember all her leather tools in a wooden box, watching her design the intricate artwork.

I must admit that it was both interesting and embarrassing to read a bit of my heritage. In our long ago family there were pioneers who came to the West in wagon trains, a prince, a woman who poisoned her husband at lunch, a poet, alcoholics, a missionary, a Singer Sewing Machine salesman, those who committed suicide – basically the typical menagerie that every family inherits.

The coming of Christ was right through families of messed-up monarchs and battling brothers, through affairs and adultery and more than a feud or two, through skeletons in closets and cheaters at tables. It was in that time of prophets and kings, the time of Mary and Joseph, that men were in genealogies and women were invisible. But for Jesus, women had names and stories and lives that mattered.

~ Ann Voskamp

The family tree of Jesus includes women who felt like outsiders, women who had been hopeless, who felt invisible and forgotten, women who had been close to giving up on life, those who were unappreciated and dismissed. You know of anyone who’s ever felt like that?

I remember when I was 16 and first driving by myself, wondering if cars would see me because I often felt invisible. At times I would be amazed that people would wait for me to make a turn before they drove on. I know that sounds silly, but that was a time in my life that I did not feel important or even visible. I imagine the fact that I was tall, skinny and awkward, plenty of zits, braces and shy had something to do with it.

The centuries seem not to have changed much for women. Today many of us feel the same, our society lauding women more for their bodies and outward beauty than their hearts and those deep desires within.

Last month Christie Hefner was honored by the YWCA with the outstanding leader Trailblazer’s Award. Somehow I found it interesting that she would receive such a prestigious award when most of her life has been promoting the beauty of other women’s naked bodies, seemingly not so concerned with the value of the hopes and dreams of their hearts.

Jesus attracted prostitutes, but not to use them. He saw their longing to be known and loved for who they were, not for what they looked like. He valued them, gave them hope, forgiveness and a restored life.

Tamar and Rahab had both been used by men over many years. Tamar, who had been lied to and tricked by her father-in-law decided to take justice in her own hands and was able to convict him for his wrong. Rahab, living in a godless place with a godless past, believed in the God of the Jews around her and eventually became the Great-grandmother of the great King David.

Other women mentioned in Jesus’ lineage were humble women, those who lived their lives doing the tedious things. In the middle of this boring genealogy we have wonderful stories of God’s grace breaking into shamed women. Ruth, a woman whose husband had died, decided to help out her mother-in-law, who had also lost her husband. She gleaned in the fields of wheat and was noticed by the richest guy in town, who just happened to marry her. She became King David’s grandmother.

Mary, the mother of Jesus was also considered boring by today’s standards, doing the humble things in life that a typical Jewish teenager did – cook meals, wash the laundry, care for younger children, clean house – until the day an angel came to her, saying that she would become the mother of the Messiah. Now this sounds quite exciting until you think of what the village people might have said. “Sure, the Holy Spirit made you pregnant? Really? You think we’re going to believe that, you whore. You know what happens to girls who get pregnant when they’re not married.” Mary was shamed, her life totally disrupted as she was going about her predictable life.

God disrupts our lives as well. We may have a plan, but God’s is usually different – and always better. We all play an important part of a much larger story. Tamar, Ruth, Rahab, and Mary were all outcasts at one time or another, rejected, ridiculed, used, and seemingly forgotten. But God in His amazing mercy brought each of these women into an important part of His Story. He is a specialist at rewarding the humble, raising up the rejected.

Jesus is delighted when each of us does our job faithfully, carefully and humbly. Every repetitive task we perform with gratitude to God is accepted as an offering, an honoring of our Savior. Every diaper we change, each question we answer with kindness, the clients we treat with respect, each meal we prepare, every word of encouragement we speak reflects the love of Jesus.

When we love our husbands, God is pleased. When we forgive and persevere when we would rather leave, God is pleased. He loves faithfulness and will reward it in His time. When we read all the stories of how God loves women, we know that His love for us is the same. Our small stories of humble lives are being worked into His grand story and one day we shall see the whole story and marvel.

Lean on Him. Trust Him.

Love, Mom

The Wonder of Rain

November 23, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week it rained for 3 days straight…a rarity in Idaho. We live in what is called high desert which translates to about 11 inches of rain per year. During this three-day rainy season we received 1.75 inches and many people were rejoicing because it meant several feet of snow in the surrounding mountains which means more melt in the springtime to fill the reservoirs and aquafers. Can you tell I’m a farmer’s daughter and not a skier?

The gently falling rain brought to mind an article I had read a few years ago by John Piper about an interesting verse in Job:

He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.

He bestows rain on the earth; He sends water upon the countryside. Job 5:9-10

Rain? Really? I had never before considered that rain was a wonder and a miracle.

In the past I had experienced rain, especially when we lived in Michigan, to be too much of a good thing. Because I grew up in the much drier West, it was wonderful not having to water the lawn in the summer time, but rain often hindered planned activities like weddings, open houses, and picnics.

While we lived in Kansas we learned to measure rain not by inches or tenths, but by hundredths. Most people dry farmed there so rain was the only moisture available for the crops and every hundredth was celebrated.

Anyway…have you ever considered rain to be a wonder and a miracle? If not, read on……

Think of how it was in the time of Job in the Middle East. There were no irrigation pipes or pivots, plus the people were far from any lake or stream. If the crops were to grow and the family to be fed, water would have to come from the sky.

So, how does water come out of the clear blue sky? It would have to be carried from the Mediterranean Sea over several hundred miles and be poured onto the field. So how heavy is rain? If one inch of rain falls over one square mile of farmland we are talking 206,300,160 gallons, which equates to 1,650,401,280 pounds of water (that’s over one billion pounds of water.)

Now how does more than 200 million gallons of water get up into the air to be transported? Evaporation – when water quits being water for a while and rises up into clouds so it can come down as rain.

So it goes up, now how does it get down? Condensation happens when the water starts becoming water again by gathering around little dust particles between .00001 and .0001 centimeters wide. That’s really small.

Also, if you remember, the Mediterranean Sea is salt water, which would ruin the crops if it came down as salt rain. So somehow the salt comes out of the evaporated water during that 300 mile journey where it gets dumped on the farm.

Now what would happen if a billion pounds of water just dumped onto the square mile farm? All the wheat would be crushed and ruined. So the rain comes down in tiny droplets. The drops need to be big enough not to evaporate as they fall the mile or so from the clouds, but small enough to keep from crushing the wheat.

Wow.

Now I understood why Job wrote that rain is a wonder and a miracle.

If our amazing God has made such a seemingly ordinary happening as rain to be an amazing miracle, what love and creativity has he visited upon human beings – those He has fearfully and wonderfully fashioned in His image? And if we as human beings are so complex and intricately created, how He must tenderly value marriage, relationships and the keeping of vows between a man and a woman for life?

For several years I have been keeping a gratitude journal (thank you Ann Voskamp) but in the past few months I have neglected it. As Thanksgiving season is coming around and I pondered the wonder of rain, I pulled the journal out again to keep on recording those everyday miracles that happen every minute of the day.

The howling wind outside the window

The dazzling starry night as I take my walk down the darkened lane

The aroma of dehydrating tomatoes

The delight of chatting with my neighbor Ruth, and her precious son, Jacob

Visitors for afternoon tea

The playful antics of our kitten

Sweet, sweet sleep

A sliver of a moon

Jacob bringing me flowers from his garden

Piano students, even when they haven’t practiced

The indescribable longsuffering of Jesus

A beautiful rose

Freshly mown hay

I have learned that if I don’t give thanks for the little things in my life, I will criticize.

If I don’t focus on what God has given, I will ponder upon what He has not given.

If I don’t go out every day and take a walk, searching for the beauty and wonder around me, I will find my husband deficient, and my stay at home job mundane.

Jim Elliot (the missionary who was killed in Ecuador in 1956 at age 28) wrote with such wisdom:

A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy. Accept positively and actively, what is given. Let thanksgiving be the habit of your life.

I encourage you, my daughters, to keep on giving thanks for the little things, the minute everyday gifts in your life. Lift your eyes to the beauty all around you, and consider the goodness of the Lord Jesus Christ and His immense compassion and artistry. Give thanks, even in the hard to give thanks times, trusting that He will work out all things for your benefit.

Love, Mom

Pruning

November 10, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When Dad and I arrived in Idaho last November, Grandpa’s garden plot was empty, the rose bushes covered with burlap bags. All the trees, raspberry, blackberry and grape vines were pruned and looked like nothing but dead stumps.

The garden reflected my heart. Our third move in six years, I was weary, weak, lonely and sad. We had just said good-bye to all of you a few weeks earlier, tears shed, gifts given, farewells still echoing in my mind. It was not my choice to leave Michigan, which had been home for more than 20 years, but we are not always given a choice in life.

I felt like a burned up, chopped off stump.

During those two decades in Michigan, God’s hand had led us from place to place, and at each home we had made friends, discovering more and more the wonder of people and the grace of God.

I had given thanks, often with tears, simply because I know that Jesus is honored by gratitude – especially when it seems there is little to be grateful for. As Saint John of Avila wrote over 500 years ago:

One act of thanksgiving , when things go wrong with us,

is worth a thousand thanks when things are agreeable to our inclinations.

So I reluctantly gave thanks as we drove the 1600 miles west, not feeling especially thankful, but simply as an exercise in trust. Trusting that God had not made an error and now this was Plan B, but knowing that Idaho is where he wanted us for the next chapter of our lives, we had accepted the invitation to come and care for Grandpa and Grandma as their bodies and minds were becoming frail.

Spring finally came to the garden, green shoots pushing up through the dark soil. Tulips appeared, leaves started growing on the trailing grapevines, life came to this previously desolate, barren garden. As Dad and I slowly learned our roles in caretaking, I started coming to life as well. During these past 12 months of living in Idaho I have found joy in serving – no, not every minute of the day – but there is a quiet peace of knowing that I am in the center of God’s will.

Jesus gave his disciples a lesson in pruning the night before he was killed. He said that we are all going to be pruned. The reason for the pruning is that he wants us to bear more fruit, just like a gardener wants the most fruit possible from his trees and vines.

The only way a gardener can get lots of good fruit is to prune his garden. Pruning seems heartless, uncaring, even brutal when you watch him lop off all those beautiful branches and vines. But it’s really the most loving, compassionate act he can do for his plants.

As Jesus told his disciples in John 15:

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

Basically you will be pruned if you are not bearing fruit and you’ll be pruned if you are bearing fruit. So, I guess we should simply expect to be pruned. It hurts, it is not pleasant at the time, and it’s certainly not something that we ever ask for. But the results of pruning are so beautiful – lots and lots of scrumptious, delicious fruit.

And what is this fruit He talks about? It’s the fruit of the Holy Spirit that is spoken of in Galatians: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I know that I need to mature in each of those character traits, and of course the only way we can grow is by being pruned – going through difficult times. It certainly doesn’t happen when everything is going our way.

Right now you may be looking at the fence line of your life, feeling branches being hacked off, battered by circumstances in your life, feeling anger toward God for what is happening. Maybe your husband isn’t doing what you would like him to do (or not to do). Your job may be frustrating and constricting to you. Perhaps your body isn’t working as well as you’d like. Friends may have abandoned you when you needed them the most. Your children are not always loving and respectful to you.

I know I’ve said it many times before, but God truly loves you and is tending your life, leading you into the path He wants you to go. He is the Master Gardener, the true lover of your heart and his goal is to make you beautiful.

Last week Dad and I were at Mesa Falls, an hour south of Yellowstone Park. It is a magnificent waterfall, carved into the lava over thousands of years, and now simply breathtaking to observe. Near the scenic viewing area stands a brief history of the falls along with this quote:

The beauty of Mesa Falls was born of a tumultuous past.

When I read that statement I thought, That’s how people become beautiful as well. We, as well as the splendor in God’s creation, only become beautiful when we have had a difficult past and have come through it, stronger, braver, more compassionate and loving. If we trust Jesus during the pruning times in our lives, knowing He is the Master Gardener, we can learn to be grateful and patiently wait for His good work to be done in us.

When you are in a dark winter place, it seems sometimes as though you are forgotten, unloved and overlooked; but it simply isn’t true. Keep on persevering in your marriage, your friendships, and your children, and you will bear fruit – lots of good fruit.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. – Jesus

Love, Mom

Nothing is Wasted

September 21, 2015 / Shari Baar / 6 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week Dad and I went to the Hagerman Flea Market on Highway 30, just outside of town. As we were browsing through the canned jams and jellies, t-shirts, and antiques, we came upon Ronda, the designer of many attractive, striking hats.

Since it is often over 100 degrees here in Idaho, I have been looking for a brimmed hat to help me endure the heat. Ronda had displayed various creative hats of all colors and styles. When I asked about them her face lit up and she began to tell me stories about all the different old jeans, woolen shirts, and colored canvas fabrics she had found or been given from her family and friends. She loves to recycle and reuse, so started the hat enterprise Sew Adorable.

I was amazed at every single square inch of jeans that had been used in her hats, the frayed hems, the well-used riveted pockets, even the worn-out flies. Ronda spoke with such affection, telling the stories of fabrics she had used. She encouraged me to touch the rough and scratchy textures of the wool and other piece goods I had never felt before.

Articles of worn out clothing that others would see as trash, Ronda saw something new, attractive and necessary for living in Idaho. Seven of the hats she had made just the night before, she mentioned with pride. She told about Barbara Streisand standing on a ship in the movie Funny Girl, wearing a hat that had been an inspiration for one of her creations. Many other movies gave her encouragement for a wide variety of hats. I listened in awe to her love of sewing and her joy in designing beauty that she and others can enjoy.

I tried on a few cute denim caps but quickly took them off because I was not happy with my large pointy ears sticking out. Ever since high school they have been hidden because our school secretary told me one day, as I was wearing a pony tail, that my ears were not at all attractive and they would be better covered up. Funny how we remember things like that.

Anyway, I found a good large-brimmed hat that fit well and covered my ears. Ronda taught me to roll up certain sides of it to evoke different moods and styles. Not that I do any of that evoking, but it was interesting nonetheless.

As I was walking out with my new purchase, God reminded me that he loves to recycle and reuse as well, making good out of the almost discarded.

There were many days that I felt like my marriage was old and worn out, not worth much and possibly ready to be tossed. There were too many disagreements over raising children, money, movies, food – any subject you can name. On most topics Dad’s and my opinions were the polar opposite of the other’s.

Going into marriage I hadn’t a clue how to talk calmly and resolve a conflict. I would either shut down and grumble in my mind or do the hit and run thing – shouting out what I thought was the right thing to do, then leave the room. I had no idea how to agree to disagree.

I’m sure you remember one night when I came home from teaching piano in Muskegon. It was Dad’s turn to put you all to bed and he did the unthinkable (in my mind). He let you go to bed with wet hair and I flipped out at him, ranting that by morning the pillows would be moldy, there would be fungus growing on your faces and who knows what else. Dad stood there stunned and speechless. Then I walked away.

As I look back on that incident, I’m quite certain that it must have happened on one of my PMS days, but even so it was quite an irrational accusation.

Throughout the years I’ve learned that every conversation ending poorly or well, every time I got angry about insignificant details, was a stepping stone in the process of learning to converse with grace and respect. Of course there will always be disagreements, but they are necessary so we can learn how to resolve conflicts peacefully.

It has taken us many years to learn the skill of stating our opinions, needs and desires calmly and humbly. Of course there are still times when I get riled up about something and do not express myself well, but I’m learning.

As my friend Joyce says:

I’m not where I need to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be. I’m OK and I’m on my way.

It takes a lifetime for two strong-willed people to love one another. It takes time to learn what’s really important, to sit down and talk through differences without attacking one another.

In my earlier years I became fixed on my failures, feeling so stupid for things I had done, wishing they could have been deleted. Embarrassment, shame and humiliation, would be heavy on my mind. I would think of those failures as a waste, having no worth at all. Now I see them and other times that I’ve messed up as the means to drive me to Jesus. I simply cannot do life well on my own.

God knows we are going to blow it with our husbands and children. No matter what we say and do, we will be misinterpreted, tempers will flare, words will be shouted in anger….and every one of those sins we commit are opportunity for apologies. Apologies to our husbands and confession to God.

Nothing, nothing is wasted. As Paul says so eloquently:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

That little word all is so important. It’s not just the inspiring actions we do or the pleasant words we say that God loves. It’s the times when we say the offensive words and do what we don’t want to do, that give us opportunity to humble ourselves. How God loves humility and the restoration of relationships.

Because God looks on your past with mercy and uses all things for your good and your growth, so you can know for certain that nothing in your life is wasted. He makes all things beautiful….in His time.

Love, Mom

The Lure of Ashley Madison

September 6, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week Dad read that there were only three zip codes in the United States that had no connection to the Ashley Madison scandal. Two were in Alaska, one in New Mexico. Each town had a population less than 300.

Divorce lawyers are saying that it may be Christmas in September. The truth is revealed, vows have been broken, lies and deceit come out into the open. Many who had made promises in their lives have opted for something different than the love and faithfulness they had vowed.

Why does that make my heart so sad?

It brings to mind the people I have known who have divorced, the children who struggle decades after the split is final. I think of the couples I know who have had affairs and the heartache and despair that comes with betrayal. I have seen how it shatters families for generations to follow, and it grieves me.

Divorce begets divorce. Faithfulness begets faithfulness.

I had two neighbors when we lived in Kalamazoo. My neighbor to the east came from a family that didn’t believe in divorce. They fought for faithfulness, worked to love and forgive. Generations ago it started, and so it stays today.

My neighbor to the west, a sweet older woman had been divorced decades ago. Her two children followed her example and also divorced.

They were both my friends, we visited often over the fence, shared tea and life together for the short year we lived there.

As a teacher, I have seen the impact of unfaithfulness on children. Learning becomes more difficult because their head space is filled with grief, guilt and abandonment. Their minds are overflowing with emotional trauma, so have no room for learning. As divorce rates continue to climb in our country, so do the Emotionally Impaired learning groups at school.

Family stability, faithfulness and security are so important to young children. Without it children grow up to be adults who continue to suffer from the fear of abandonment and anxiety that comes when parents betray one another and an adult walks out of their life.

Ashley Madison made it so easy to cheat, one could do it in the quiet of their own homes, discreet and anonymous. At least that was the strategy.

Lots of people these days despise the Ten Commandments. They seem so constricting, so narrow, old-fashioned. But I find it interesting to read in Romans 13:9-10,

The commandments, `Do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be are summed up in this one rule: `Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

The reason that God gave us those legendary Ten Commandments can be summed up in one word.

Love.

It was His love for His people. He knew the heartbreak and hurt that unfaithfulness brings and He wanted His people to be free from that sorrow. He desires that we keep our wedding vows and learn to love.

God also knows that we are incapable on our own to love the same person – day in and day out, for years, decades, sometimes half a century – without His help. So He stands ready and waiting for us to call on Him for help. How Jesus longs to be invited into your marriage so He can teach you to love, because it certainly does not come naturally.

I think the word love is being confused with warm feelings and emotions in our world today. When the initial glow of marriage wears off, we mistakenly believe that love is gone. It is not gone, it simply needs to mature. And the only way it can mature is through difficult circumstances. Too often people give up as soon as challenging situations arise.

Enter Ashley Madison. Intrigue, secrets, chasing someone new, all have initial exhilaration and excitement, but along with that always comes lots of stress. Let’s face it, whenever we have to keep a secret of such enormity it creates anxiety.

I remember throwing a 50^th surprise birthday party for Dad awhile back. People were coming from out of state, reservations had to be made – all under cover and in secret. E-mails had to be deleted, lies had to be told while trying to look like I was telling the truth. It was tough to remember what I told to Dad and what I told to the people coming to the party because, of course, it had to be two different stories.

A friend from many years ago owned a large contracting business building bridges. People would ask him how he could keep so stress free with the high level job that he held. His reply, “I always tell the truth, and then I don’t have to remember what I said.” A very wise and simple statement, but rare in today’s world.

Whenever there are secrets (apart from surprise parties), shame, guilt, and anxiety usually follow. The bottom line of the Ashley Madison mindset is Shhhhhh…..it’s a secret.

As I’ve written before, we have an Enemy of our souls whose goal is to divide, split, and ruin our marriages. Satan delights to see strife, anguish, and bitterness between couples. Make no mistake that the love story of your marriage is set in the midst of a war. Jesus is a reconciler, Satan is a divider. Jesus loves you, Satan hates your very existence and is doing all he can to dissuade you from believing that your marriage is important.

Recently I’ve been reading Preemptive Love by Jeremy Courtney. Jeremy, an American, lives in Iraq with his wife and two children, obeying that simple command of Jesus to love your enemies.

In war, a preemptive strike is based on the assumption that the enemy is planning an imminent attack, so there is a bold attack that hopefully comes before the assumed attack of the enemy.

What if we used preemptive love in our marriages? We know that our Adversary will attack us, tempt us to be discouraged, thinking that nothing will ever change, that we deserve better. So….why not decide to love boldly, seek to reconcile when there are wrongs, and fight with love, which Jesus tells us is stronger than hate?

The Bible tells us that as we run the race of life, we travel our journey before a great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1). When we face a decision to dismiss our wedding vows to do some married dating, looking for someone superior to who we have, the whole universe waits – angels, demons, our friends and foes, even God himself – and watches with bated breath to see what we will do. The question remains: Will anyone trust the loving heart of the Father to come and transform our marriage, or will we shrink back and follow our emotion of the day?

Always remember that the decisions you make are not just for today, they will affect not only you, but generations to come. It’s easy to dwell only on our own hurt and dissatisfaction with our husbands, but we need to think beyond now and the consequences that our choices will have for those who come after us. Yes, we may have to suffer a little now – love when we don’t feel like it, forgive those irksome quirks, take time to listen to his side of the story, intercede for him, – but it is worth it. You will see.

Love, Mom

Someone Better

August 25, 2015 / Shari Baar / 4 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Have you ever looked over at that husband of yours and wondered “who is this guy?” There are times when, even after decades of marriage, it seems as though I am living with a stranger.

When we marry, we are often in love with a fantasy rather than a real human person. While dating, our best side always shines, but then marriage and reality come, flaws surface and we begin to wonder if we ever knew him in the first place.

How can we know when we marry who our man will turn out to be? On the other hand, how can he know who we will become?

I must admit that I married for selfish reasons. I married because I wanted security, children, a soul-mate, and someone to make me happy. I soon found that this was not Dad’s central focus. He had work to do, dreams to chase, and he was thinking that my central focus in life should be to make him happy.

I began to consider that perhaps I had married the wrong person.

While dating, Dad saw only a joyful, cheerful woman. During the seasons of our lives, however, he has seen me angry, disheartened, sick, hopeless, livid, and thankfully at times, that previously joyful and cheerful woman as well. To be fair, I have seen all those same passions in him.

Instead of being repulsed and ready to bail when those potentially divisive events happen, what if we expected marriage to be about helping each other grow out of our flaws and sins and into the person God is creating? It would be much easier to expect those challenging times and when they happen, and understand that this is just another facet of love (patience, kindness, forgiveness…) that we need to learn.

But, alas, our selfish natures demand that we get our way. If we don’t we often throw a tantrum, give the silent treatment, or some other unproductive behavior.

When I married Dad I had no idea where our lives would go. I thought I had married an Idaho dairyman, just like my two sisters. Indeed I had, but for only four short years. Then it was off to Michigan with our two little girls, enrolling in seminary, moving and living in five different houses in five years as Dad was required to do internship work in various cities and states. There were times, after a move, that I would feel as if I had been thrown into the spin cycle of a washing machine, then tossed out into a whole new world.

Coming back to Idaho for vacations, I would often be envious of the families who were still living in the same house, having a somewhat predictable life and putting down roots with friends. They went to the same grocery store every week, they knew where everything was down each of those aisles, and they didn’t get lost while driving in their town. I remember going back to Michigan with that big green-eyed monster dangling its tentacles in my mind.

Early on I found that I could not depend on friends to last. I would get to know people for a few months, say good-bye, and start over in yet another location. It seemed that saying hello and good-bye would become the only predictable events I could count on in my life.

At this point I had a choice to make: I could either accept and rejoice in the life that God had given me (I had certainly not chosen it) or I could wallow in the mire of self-pity, wishing I was some other guy’s wife living an established, non-moving life. For a time I did not accept my lot in life. I began to see God as cold and non-caring; I did not trust that He loved me. It certainly didn’t feel like He cared.

David the King spoke my feelings so well:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry out by day but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent.

~ Psalm 22

Have you ever felt forgotten, dropped by God, hearing nothing but silence from heaven?

Here I was, a pastor’s wife, going through the motions of being a good church lady, but inside disappointed and disgruntled with my life and with God. Dad had become a stranger to me, and I to him. He was intent in his work, striving to show himself a good pastor, me delving into making a somewhat stable life for you girls.

You may have felt that separation in your own marriage, going in different directions and drifting farther and farther apart. The next logical thing seems to be to split up, try someone new, find someone better, someone more compatible. But you know what? I have talked to many married women and have found none that live in a compatible marriage.

Tim Keller teaches “…that the great thing about the model of Christian marriage we are presenting here is that when you envision the ‘someone better,’ you can think about the future version of the person to whom you are already married. The someone better is the spouse that you already have. God has indeed given us a desire for the perfect spouse, but you should see it in the one to whom you’re married…. The only way you’re going to actually begin to see another person’s ‘glory-self’ is to stick with him or her.”

Marriage is, at its best, trusting God with the man that He has entrusted to you. Yes, there will be fights, misunderstandings, anger. But continue to pray for him more than you criticize, encourage more than condemn, build up instead of tear down. It will take a lifetime for God to change us all, molding us all into that someone better that we are looking for.

When I finally made the choice to thank God for where he had placed me and bloom wherever I was transplanted, I found joy and peace. Not quickly, not overnight, and not without struggles, but I became free to focus on the many delightful people that God brought into our lives and kick out the monster of envy. As Paul writes, “…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” Philippians 4:13

Rest and rejoice in the knowledge that Jesus has you in the right place, right now. His ways are not our ways, but they are good. Even if it feels as if God has dropped or forgotten you, the fact is, He has not. Cry out to him, for the ability to love better and bolder, anticipating and enjoying the ways that you and your husband are becoming one.

Love, Mom

Efficiency…

July 27, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Grandma loves to get the water pitcher out from underneath the sink and water her flower pots. There are three out on the deck and one hanging outside the front door. For decades she has watered flowers. Pour the water in and the flowers come out. It’s a miracle.

She usually waters them before I get out of bed in the morning. Then as I’m doing the breakfast dishes she’ll water them again. Often mid-morning she’ll forget they were watered already and will douse them once more. Oh yes, there’s that Christmas cactus too that gets lots of water, sometimes overflowing onto the floor.

She also remembers to faithfully water those flowers down at the end of the lane. Grandma remembers very little these days, but she does remember the flowers.

Thankfully Idaho is a very dry climate with little rain, so the flowers love all the extra attention they are getting.

One day I noticed that the pot on the deck table was a bit wilted. So I mentioned to Grandma that the two hanging baskets were good and damp, but the middle pot on the table needed some water. Being the pleasant lady that she is, she quickly got out the water pitcher and said “OK, I just need to water the middle pot on the table right?” Yep, just the middle pot on the table. As I watched her from the window, she watered the two hanging baskets and passed right over the middle pot on the table.

Efficiency.

My life used to be focused on that word. Do the most I can in the least time possible. Work. Be efficient. Don’t waste time. I made every moment in my life count. Make the meals, wash the clothes, create the lesson plans, be sure everybody was where they were supposed to be at the appointed time. That’s how I grew up and that’s what I taught all you girls.

Now that Dad and I are living with Grandpa and Grandma, that word has become extinct in my vocabulary. Nothing is efficient. We walk slowly, we speak slowly, we eat slowly, although Dad and I are still the first ones finished with a meal. We talk and wait until everyone at the table is finished. We repeat many of our words, either because Grandpa can’t hear us, or Grandma forgets what we told her 60 seconds ago.

Yesterday we celebrated their 65^th wedding anniversary. About half the clan was there. Almost forty of us in all – children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren – came together for a meal next to beautiful Bass Lake. Hamburgers, summer salads and baked beans made for a simple yet scrumptious lunch. Grandpa and Grandma couldn’t remember all the people’s names, but they did know that they are loved, appreciated and respected.

We were at the lake for about four hours and no one seemed in a hurry to go. Hugs, smiles, cards, cake and words were in abundance. We were not efficient but we enjoyed life for the afternoon.

Last night after we got home we were talking about the delightful party, Grandpa kept talking and talking about how much he enjoyed having so many of his offspring around him. Grandma asked “What party was that? Was I there?”

So why do we throw a party for someone who doesn’t remember it an hour after it’s over? Because we need to celebrate faithfulness with the younger folks. We need to rejoice in life and all that is good.

Have there been times during their 65 years together that Grandpa and Grandma fought? Of course. I know there were days of anger, hurtful words, silent treatments, frustration, times that they each got on each other’s last nerve. It is an imperfect marriage, just like all of ours, but vows were made and kept. And for that, we rejoice.

I recently read a book called Adam, God’s Beloved by Henri Nouwen. Adam was a 34 year-old man, severely handicapped, who could not speak or even move without assistance. But Henri, a world-renowned author, university professor and speaker, had become tired of the continual expectations that come with someone of his stature. So he decided to stop all the fabulously impressive things he was doing and care for Adam and others at L’Arche Daybreak in Toronto, Canada. There he found community and a sense of belonging, something he had been missing much of his life. He was accepted and loved even though he wasn’t writing books or teaching.

After caring for Adam and other L’Arche residents for almost ten years Henri wrote the following:

Adam’s great teaching to us was, “I can live only if you surround me with love and if you love one another. Otherwise, my life is useless and I am a burden.”

Such wise and true words. We need the Grandmas and the Grandpas, the Adams, and other people of the world to teach us to celebrate life, listen carefully, laugh often at ourselves and each other. It has been good for Dad and I to adjust to a new, slower rhythm of life. We have come to realize that we are all on the same journey, that mysterious and profound journey of life, and that we are all broken, yet beloved.

Life is a gift. Each person is unique, known by name and loved by the One who created us. Regrettably, there is a consistent, loud, prevailing message that comes to us from our world leading us to believe that we must prove our belovedness by how we look, what we own, and what we can do.

True living does not mean checking off everything on your to-do list. Living, at the root of all life, is learning how to love. And what better way to learn to love than to hang out with people who are not efficient, with those who struggle, with the weak-minded and the weak-bodied. Life can become shallow when we think only about ourselves, our own interests, and our own lives.

Is it easy? Nope.

Is it always fun? Not at all.

Is it challenging? Yes.

It is hard, but oh so good.

Though it has been a long journey, I am learning – finally – to love, and sometimes that means to water that poor, neglected middle flower pot on the table after Grandma has gone to bed.

Love, Mom

Pedal to the Metal

July 15, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

A few months ago I was driving to church in the dark, about 12 miles from our home. The speed limit is 50, meaning most people go at least 55 and often 60. I was going along at a decent pace, when about three miles from my destination another vehicle pulled out from a side road going an acceptable speed. But immediately she pulled back to 35 mph. I was irritated and wondering what kind of person pulls out, then drives like a snail.

Because it was dark and the road curvy and hilly, I was unable to pass. I was feeling some annoyance and not thinking kindly of this person but grudgingly figured I could handle a few more miles at this turtle pace. I was surprised to see the same slow vehicle pull into the parking lot just ahead of me. Since we’ve only been attending this church for a few months I had no idea who drives crazy like this.

When I got inside, Jeanie, who is the same age as me, came and apologized for being that slow-moving vehicle. She was embarrassed, and proceeded to tell the story. As soon as she had pulled in front of me, an electrical warning light showed up on her dashboard and suddenly her car would only go 35 mph even though she had the pedal to the metal. How quickly I had judged her to be a rude, uncaring driver when in fact she could do nothing about her vehicle’s behavior. It wasn’t a serious issue, it made me about a minute later than I would have been. No big deal.

Often in the past, and I must admit even sometimes these days, I judge others’ behavior from my idealistic mindset of who I think he or she should be. God convicts me more and more to quit and leave the judging to him. There is so much about every person’s battles that I don’t know. As Wendy Mass says:

Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Your husband is fighting a battle as well, maybe he doesn’t talk about it, maybe he doesn’t even realize it, but it’s there. He may be wondering if he has the strength and wisdom to love you, love the children, protect the family. He may be fearful about his job performance, insecure and angry because of past abuse, anxious about being with your family. He may be battling depression but is afraid to talk about the thoughts that ravage him…..

In years past, when I was stopped at a red light my eyes wandered to other people sitting in their cars nearby. I saw those who were well dressed, driving a brand new car, looking so happy and found myself thinking that they must have a perfect, problem-free life. But after talking to many people over the years – some who are beautiful, smile a lot and drive new cars – I have found that everyone has a story, a difficult, sad, challenging story in which they are living.

As Jesus said, “In this world you will have troubles….” There are no exceptions; we will all experience trouble throughout our years here on earth. It is simply a fact of life as we face this battle between good and evil. Most people try to do the right thing but something happens in communication – words come out wrong, misunderstandings occur, snap judgements take place, haughty eyes are thrown toward heaven, body language offends.

There are times I would like Dad to procrastinate less, talk more, eat less, exercise more, snore less and on and on…. Why do my eyes often see only what I don’t like about him? Why am I so quick to make hasty conclusions?

Last week he had procrastinated on making airline reservations which resulted in some very inconvenient times and an extremely aggravated wife. I know this a relatively minor first-world annoyance, but immediately my mind went to all the things in the last 20 years that he has procrastinated, listing each one of them in my mind.

The Enemy had a heyday with my thoughts. Along with the listing came the thoughts, “Things will never change. You’ll never have the love you’re looking for. You deserve better. I hate this. I get so tired of the same ole same ole….” I kept on reliving all those procrastinations until God brought me up short and encouraged me to make a list not of Dad’s weak points, but of his strong points. So I started listing:

Faithful to me for 39 years

Forgiving when I confess my wrongs

Always willing to listen to me and my many ramblings

His big hearty laugh

His willingness to move 1700 miles to help me care for Grandpa and Grandma

Taking on the job of loading the dishwasher after every meal

When I forgave him (after grousing for a while) and started listing his strengths I was able to refocus my wandering mind, quit judging him and let him be a flawed human being just like me.

I don’t know why he does what he does. Sometimes I don’t even know why I do what I do. And you know, it’s really not my job. Yes, I will confront him on some issues, but God is leading me to pray for him more and criticize him less.

Paul speaks clearly about how we are to speak to all people, our husbands included:

Be completely humble and gentle: be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2

Just like Jeannie, many people have their pedal to the metal, but something has gone wrong and they are having a hard time doing what they want to do.

Give your man the same grace that God has given you. Then be amazed at the changes you will see.

Love, Mom

Tied to the Mast

June 25, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

It was a cloudless, beautiful evening in Seattle aboard the MV Skansonia, a retired ferry on Union Lake. Parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles, cousins and friends of Chris and Julia came thousands of miles to witness a 30 minute ceremony of words, watch them exchange a bit of metal and stone, rejoice with a little music and square dancing, feast on scrumptious food.

A wedding, the celebration of the beginning of a marriage, is a time for joyous celebration. Promises made, all of us looking on, cheering, smiling, remembering earlier wedding ceremonies of our own.

When all the bridesmaids, groomsmen, parents and favorite dog processed to their places, Chris stood next to the pastor, his face eager with anticipation to see his beautiful bride. The look of pure joy and desire on both Chris and Julia’s faces was priceless.

After the vows were promised and the rings exchanged, the parents encircled the newly married couple, hands clasped and praying for them during the song Be Thou My Vision.

Vision.

Ever since I turned 40, my eyes have not focused as they used to. I had to buy lenses in order to see clearly. I could have continued on with no help from the magnifying lens but my life would have been drastically curtailed – unable to read books, music or computer pixels.

In the same way, seeing marriage through the lens of God is truly the best way to make a marriage thrive and grow. Since God is the inventor/idea maker of marriage, it would only make sense to read what He has to say about this unique institution so we can have His clear vision of the meaning of marriage.

Think about buying a car. When we purchase something that is completely out of our realm of understanding, it is certainly wise to see what the owner manual says about treating and maintaining our vehicle.

All of us see marriage through distorted lenses of our own experiences. Some who come from a family with a sound marriage will be shocked at how difficult marriage actually is if our parents dealt with their differences behind closed doors. Others, having come out of a dysfunctional home, will have little idea of what a healthy nourishing marriage looks like. In either situation, young lovers will have to deal with selfishness and self-centeredness that is at the core of every human being.

During a short reading from C S Lewis’ Mere Christianity during the wedding ceremony, we were reminded about the difference between romantic love and true committed love. It’s easy to feel ecstatic, floating-on-clouds emotion for a time, but life-long, unwavering, committed love, especially during difficult times, is what will ultimately lead to mature, selfless, true love.

…Love, in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of the feelings but of the will; that state of the will which we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people…

Pastor JJ reminded us that marriage is a reflection of God’s love. When the world sees a sound, committed marriage, the goodness of God is shared with everyone who witnesses such a love. In our culture today it is a rare delight to see a married couple still enjoying one another after decades of living with each other.

When the Bible speaks of love, it is measured not by how much you want to receive, but how much you are willing to give of yourself to someone. Marriage is to be a covenant love – seen through the lens of God, a love given with promises. Too often today, love is seen through the lens of the world and becomes a consumer love – only living to take what it can get for the lowest possible price.

Tim Keller, in The Meaning of Marriage, tells about a story in Greek mythology. There were creatures called Sirens (half bird, half woman) who would lure Ulysses and his men to destruction with their beautiful songs as the men sailed by their island. Because Ulysses knew of the power of the Sirens and the temporary insanity it would cause him and his men, he instructed the men to plug their ears with wax, tied himself to the mast, and told his men to keep on their course no matter what other instructions he might give.

Ulysses was wise in looking and preparing for the future, knowing that temptations would certainly come, and come with a vengeance. But he also knew that he didn’t want to succumb to the luring voices of the Sirens and be destroyed.

In marriage vows we too declare a mutually binding promise of future love, not merely of the present love that we are feeling. Our public wedding promises, made before many people, are similar to being Tied to the mast.

I’m quite certain that Chris and Julia will stay Tied to the mast of their promises. As they partner with God, their love is built on a firm foundation and will weather the many storms that are bound to come.

I thank you, my daughters, for also staying Tied to the Mast of your promises made on your wedding day. Jesus is doing a beautiful work through those promises.

Love, Mom

You Are My Hiding Place

June 10, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Every marriage will have storms that descend. It may start as soon as the honeymoon is over. Or it may come at the death of a child or a parent, an addiction – pornography, alcohol – or an outright betrayal. Sometimes it will come when the children grow up and move out, leaving us to wonder who this person is that we’ve been living with for decades. However the storm comes, it can feel like our world is falling apart at the seams. The safe haven meant to be a sanctuary for two hearts in marriage may sometimes feel like the least safe place at all.

Here in Idaho, wind is commonly a part of the weather forecast. Just the other night a storm woke me, howling, rattling the windows and throwing up sticks and twigs from the trees surrounding the house. Looking outside I could see tumbleweeds blowing furiously across the lane, rain pelting the sidewalks and driveway.

Sometimes our lives can feel like that – the forces and circumstances of our worlds seem bent on knocking us to pieces. We may think that we cannot handle one more thing that goes wrong in our life, and then something else does go wrong. We tremble with the knowledge that we may not be able to hang on for another hour.

Dad and I are finally at a place that we are unified, most of the time. Since I have in the past been the Queen of Blame, there are still some days when things go wrong and my mind starts blaming him again. Old habits die hard. At times it’s still a challenge to keep sarcastic remarks from flying out of my mouth. The Evil One is always trying to drive a wedge between us, and of that we can be assured of happening until the day we die.

Today was especially hard for me since I had not fallen asleep until 3 a.m. When I woke, Dad was his normal jovial self, wanting a big hug and kiss and I was not in the mood. I just wanted to grouse in my own private corner and have a personal pity party. I felt like I had a right to be crabby because my insomnia is chronic and my fatigue is constant. So I grumbled at my sad state of affairs and ignored him. He wisely left me alone.

When the tempests arise, whatever else may be going on in your marriage, you know that God is working on your transformation, right? God will use hard times to expose your sin as well as your husband’s. Instead of simply lamenting the storm, it is always wise to seek God and ask, What do you want to expose, what are you after? As hard as it will be, try to accept the work that Jesus is doing in your own character.

Why is marriage so hard? Every one of us is a broken, hurting person, but instead of talking about our pain we often get embarrassed and try to hide it. Unfortunately, if we don’t deal with our pain it will become hurt and pain to others around us as well. Hurting people hurt people.

Thankfully Dad just walked away this morning. He could have taken offense at my attitude and things could have gotten ugly, but he knows me well enough to give me space on days like this. After a few hours I was able to enter the human race once again, barely. I talked about my discouragement with my physical condition, he listened and encouraged me, told me he still loved me. I am continually working on being content whatever the circumstance, but still I fail.

Marriage has its seasons, there are ebbs and flows. The writer of Ecclesiastes 3:2-8 says that there is a time for everything…. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…. There are times when you and your man are close, and other times when you feel like the distance of the chasm between you can be measured in light-years. That’s normal. Have patience with yourself and with him.

Jesus tells a story about two houses and how they each fared when the storms hit.

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7:24-27

The storms will certainly come, that is a promise. How we respond to those storms depends on our willingness to trust in God and His ways. What are those ways and words of His that we need to put into practice? I love the passage from Colossians:

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Corrie ten Boom, the Dutch woman who hid Jews and was sentenced to a Nazi concentration camp because of it, was told by another woman while in prison that the only way a person could survive in the camp was to hate. Corrie’s reply was “Hate can put you in a worse prison than this.”

Even though love and goodness are difficult, they are the best and most powerful weapons in our arsenal. When the winds blow and the waters rise we need to return to some very basic truths.

1) I am loved (Jeremiah 31:3)

2) I am secure (John 10:28-29)

3) I am forgiven (Colossians 2:13)

4) God is with me always and forever (Hebrew 13:4)

Whatever happens, stay close to Jesus. He is your Rock and your Hiding Place, he is your refuge from the storms that descend. I cannot guarantee that your marriage will be healed, that the addict will desire to change, that prodigal children will come back any time soon. But I can assure you that you are deeply and truly loved by your Heavenly Father. I promise that God is with you and will never, ever abandon you; and I guarantee that you can find peace in the midst of the storm.

Love, Mom

What makes a marriage better is to keep on going through the worst.

~Ann Voskamp

Tag: marriage (Page 2 of 6)

Family Trees

The Wonder of Rain

Pruning

Nothing is Wasted

The Lure of Ashley Madison

Someone Better

Efficiency…

Tied to the Mast

You Are My Hiding Place

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