Tag: marriage (Page 3 of 6)

Disruptions

May 29, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones

is how you use them. ~ Unknown

Dear Daughters,

Disruptions.

It’s a word no one likes, but it’s a reality of life. You know how you may have a day planned, a picnic scheduled, a vacation intended, a wonderful life that you imagined, a marriage you had hoped for. And then something comes up to disrupt your plans. Sometimes it’s a physical ailment, other times the rain comes when you’d rather it wouldn’t, a car accident, postponed flights, people who don’t agree with your ideas.

When Dad and I married 39 years ago I had my long-range plan in place – to live a peaceful yet challenging life on a dairy in Idaho. As you know, only four years later my nostalgic plans were disrupted when Dad answered the call to move to Michigan to go to school so he could become a pastor. This was not how I expected my life to unfold.

After living in four different states and 10 different cities, disruptions have become a way of life for us. They have not become any easier, but we have grown accustomed to meeting and getting to know new people again and again.

We are often offended by disruptions. Schedules and busyness can become addictive, making us feel like we are in control of our life. We bring the kids to soccer practice, make sure there are clean clothes for tomorrow so we don’t have to dig some out of the hamper, try to have something edible on the table for dinner, get the homework done, try to have a little quality time with our husband….and the list goes on.

If you remember Bilbo Baggins the Hobbit, he was a person whose life was completely disrupted without his permission. He was called on a journey that he was not prepared for, didn’t sign up for, never remotely volunteered for, and really was not at all interested. But Gandalf came, brought him some friends and comrades and off they went into unknown, uncharted territory. In the end, Bilbo grew up. He did things he never thought himself as being capable to do. He became courageous, brave, bold, daring and creative.

Or think of Dorothy. She too was taken on an adventure unexpectedly because of the tornado. She had not chosen to be carried in her dream to the land of Oz, but once there she made friends with Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man. On her journey with them she learned compassion, bravery, how to stand up to become a warrior and a leader.

When God disrupts our lives with whatever circumstances he chooses to use, we are not usually too grateful. We would prefer to order our own lives, follow our five-year, maybe ten-year plan for our life. We like to be comfortable, doing things that make us happy. However, God wants us to learn to love others as we love ourselves.

I was so surprised 10 years ago when I read Victory over the Darkness by Neil Anderson and learned that God’s basic goal for my life is character development: being and becoming the person God wants me to be.

Really? That’s it? It sounded too simplistic. I thought it was doing all the right stuff, being a fairly good wife and mother, teaching all my students to sing and play the piano.

Yes, those things are important, but the bottom line is that God wants you to become more loving, patient, joyful, peaceful, faithful and kind. Nobody on earth can keep you from becoming that kind of person. That’s precisely why there are distractions, disappointments, trials and disruptions in our lives. We often interpret the hardships in our lives as “Why is God mad at me?” Instead we need to see them as “God loves me enough to mature me.”

Helen Keller, the woman who was both blind and deaf, wrote: “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision-cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

So, we have a choice. We can choose to see our tribulations as stumbling blocks, get angry about them, whine and complain about them. Or we can accept disruptions as stepping stones and embrace the changes and challenges that come into our lives, knowing that Jesus will use these incidents to grow us up.

I don’t know of any parent who wants to keep their children in diapers. We want our own children to mature, and God is our Heavenly Father wanting maturity for us as well.

A recent minor disruption in my life came a few weeks ago. Grandma was at the podiatrist and was diagnosed with a toenail and foot fungus. The cure is an anti-fungal lotion to be put on twice a day for months. My first inclination was not “Oh boy, now I can better learn how to love and serve my mom.” Nope, I will be honest and admit that I was grossed out. But as I have been faithful in fighting the fungus I am learning to love her more. She doesn’t remember much these days, but she does remember the pleasant foot massage that comes along with the anti-fungus cream.

God uses disruptions, whether in marriage or other relationships, as a potter’s wheel. We need to remember that He is the potter, we are the clay. He is the one shaping and molding us.

Let God mold you, shape you into His image. For each person the specific story of circumstances will be different, but the Larger Story is always the same. “The goal of our instruction is love.” (I Timothy 1:5) Accept what God allows into your lives with an open hand, willing to see how He wants to teach you how to love. He loves you dearly and is walking with you every day, teaching and encouraging you in every disruption that comes your way.

Love, Mom

Thirty-Nine Years

May 8, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Today Dad and I celebrate our 39^th anniversary. Married in the year of our nation’s Bicentennial, we look in awe at the path on which we have been led. The years have been beautifully landscaped by God, with tall grand mountains alongside yawning dark valleys. There have been roses as well as thorns, dry barren years turning into deep lush times of harvest.

And the two shall become one… (Genesis 2:24).

At humanity’s beginning God spoke those words. Six short words, so easy to say, so easy to write, not so easy to do. Often we assume that the sentence merely means a physical union of marriage, but it is so much more than that. How do two people, thinking that they love each other, really become one in emotion, in their spirituality, in their physical being?

It truly takes a lifetime of learning to trust, learning to love someone who has many flaws, sins, and shortcomings – just like you and I. The wisdom and courage to forgive, learning to give God the things that are His, like your expectations of what you want your marriage to be like. He is the wise, artistic genius who created us and invented marriage, so we can certainly trust Him to enter into our marriages. We can have the confidence that He will lead and guide us, changing and transforming our characters so we can have the marriage that both He and we desire.

Dad and I have been in Idaho now for nearly six months and have missed you terribly. After enjoying our time with all of you and your families last week, I know that all these 39 years have been worth the effort, worth all the blood, sweat, and tears. Of course I knew it before we left, but the sweetness of being together again solidified the gratitude I have for our family.

In the past there have been times when I wanted to check out of marriage and mothering when things got hard. I’m sure all of you have been tempted to run away as well. But I have found that when times get hard, the best thing to do is to burrow deeper into God’s vast ocean of love and mercy. As I look back, I see that my disappointments in marriage have driven me to a deeper intimacy with God.

As we were on the way back from Chicago we saw the most beautiful sunset from above the clouds. We were just flying out of a storm. The sun was fiery orange-red with banks of billowing clouds almost totally surrounding it – you know those clouds that nearly look like grayish-white bubbles sitting on top of each other? And there was the sun peeking through, creating a gorgeous end to the day. Even the flight attendants were exclaiming about the incredible beauty.

As I thought about relationships, and marriage in particular, it seems that oftentimes the greatest splendor comes after a storm – after a fight, misunderstanding, or any other kind of relational mishap. When there are apologies given and forgiveness accepted there is beauty, restoration and peace, but most of all hope. Hope that God can bring beauty from ashes, gladness instead of mourning, and gratitude instead of despair.

You remember the wizened, aged woman who came in and chided us the night we were all at the pool in Chicago? I’ve been thinking about her lately. When she first came in the pool area she beckoned me with her gnarled finger and as I walked over to her she started scolding. She was disgusted with all the water that had been splashed around the pool, the mess of towels hanging on chairs, incensed that there was so much laugher and commotion going on, angry that there were children having fun in the pool – and all this at the young hour of 7:00 p.m.

The reason?

I wonder if it was because she didn’t have a family, had no joy, no celebrating a new birth, no pleasure in seeing little children squeal in delight when they watch their uncle do funny flips into the water. She had come at her appointed time – for 36 years she said – and expected to find a lonely, solitary pool waiting for her to swim and enjoy peace, alone.

I’ve been praying for that woman, praying that she might find some bit of pleasure in younger people, praying that she might learn to rejoice with those who rejoice. That she might learn to smile instead of frown, to laugh instead of squelching joy. One is the loneliest number and I pity those who decline to become a part of a family because it’s just too hard or simply inconvenient. Or perhaps simply given up because of the hurt that sometimes comes from family.

Yes, family is messy, unpredictable, chaotic, sometimes driving us crazy, and yet during other times leaning hard on each other. I thank God for all of you, our daughters, for encouraging Dad and me to persevere and for the joy that comes from being your parents.

Each one of you is going through God’s refining fire in your own lives. You all have your own stories of pain and joy, and I am proud that you are open to His work in your lives, even though it is not easy or what you would ever have chosen for yourselves. I pray that you will learn to thank God more and more for the man that He has entrusted you with. I know there are some days that you may feel like you have made a mistake in marrying your husband, but the best husband for you is the one you have right now.

You really have no idea what depths of companionship are available until you venture into those waters, and hang in there for many years. Besides, your own transformation is barely underway. Who knows all that God has in store for the both of you? ~ John Eldredge in Love and War

I would venture to say that at 39 years we are barely beginning to understand.

Love, Mom

Trust Me

April 22, 2015 / Shari Baar / 6 Comments

Dear Daughters,

A few weeks ago I was helping Grandpa and Grandma prepare for a trip to California with Aunt Rhonda and Valerie. Although they have traveled down south many times in their lives it’s different now that they are older.

Dementia has changed everything.

Although the trip was three days away there were many wonderings, numerous questions, countless concerns. “Who is going to take care of Willow when we’re gone? Will she have enough dog food? Who will feed the cats? Will we have time to fill my eye drop prescription? Who is driving us to the airport? What time do we leave? ” As Grandma carried the calendar from room to room she asked, “What day is it today? How many days until we leave?” The same questions were asked over and over in variation during the course of the preparation days. I simply said “Trust me, Mom. Everything’s ok.”

Even though I had written down the answers to many of her questions, she continually thought up new ones. The day before the departure date, while Grandma and I were packing the luggage together, she assured me that she had never seen that carry-on before. So I let her search through all the closets of the house, and when she couldn’t find the right one she reluctantly agreed to use the one I had chosen at the beginning.

Finally the day came to depart. The luggage was zipped up and ready to go. I needed to go into another room to make a quick phone call so I left for just a few minutes. When I came back the contents of the carry-on were scattered across the table. “I’m just double checking to see if we have everything we need,” said Grandma. With some slight frustration in my voice I again simply said “Trust me, Mom. We’ve got everything you’ll need.”

I smiled to myself, being transported back 20 years ago to when you four girls were young. So much of the same scenario presented itself except that now it’s my mother instead of my children doing these things.

An interesting part of this story is that a few days earlier we had 15 people over to the house, hosting an evening of music with some friends who love to sing. The pianist for the evening was Grandma. She was full of smiles as she welcomed guests at the door, and was sharp as a whip at the piano.

All she needed was a sheet of paper with the names of the songs and the key in which she played them. Whenever anyone chose a song from the prepared song sheet, they simply requested the song of their choice and within five seconds Grandma had the introduction in motion – flourishing arpeggios included.

It amazes me that one person can still be so gifted, yet have such deficits in other areas. But isn’t that just like all of us? We all shine in some way or another, yet have other areas that are not so shiny.

After Aunt Rhonda and Valerie left for California with Grandpa and Grandma, I got thinking about all the anxiety and worries that Grandma had been plagued with. And I wondered if we ever look that way to God.

Spiritual dementia.

We ask so many questions, What am I going to wear today? Should I change jobs? How are we going to pay all the bills this month? Will there be enough water for the crops to grow well this year? What if my marriage fails? How about my friends, will they stick near me or will I be abandoned? What if a tornado strikes our home?

On and on the doubts arise, the questions come over us like waves. Does God really care about all the details of my life? What about the choices my kids are making? What if I get sick and can’t work? What if identity theft happens to me?

Though it all God is constantly saying “Trust Me. I love you, I care about you. Trust Me. I will never leave you or forsake you. Trust Me.” I’ve had many anxieties over the years, betrayals, rejection – just like all of you. But as I look back on those years, God has given provision and comfort at every turn.

However, one thing he has not provided is understanding. I would love to know the what, where and why of many circumstances, but that would take away the necessity of faith. Of simple trust.

Things have often been difficult – in my marriage, in my work, in my mothering. But I have learned to trust, sometimes grudgingly, sometimes simply repeating the words “I Trust You” when there is no emotion and very little faith behind it, and at rare times with assurance.

Looking back on six decades of life there are still times when voices from the past – condemning, accusing, mocking voices still haunt. During those times too the words “Trust Me” have been woven like a thread throughout my existence. There were years that I didn’t trust, thought that I knew better than God so I did it my way, which brought sure misery. There were times when I, just like my mother, looked through all the closets for a different way, an easier way to live, and God watching and letting me search until I could find nothing else that satisfied. When I finally turned back to the words of truth: Trust in the Lord and do good. Love your husband – just as he is, let go of your children and let me lead them… Then, and only then did I find sweet peace.

Now that we’re here caring daily for Grandpa and Grandma I still need to listen to God’s voice saying “Trust Me” during the days of uncertainty, questioning and repetition. And I pray that you, my beautiful daughters will learn to say those precious words “I Trust You” as well.

Love, Mom

The Greatest Gift For Him

April 7, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When I was dating Dad I was so excited when my birthday, Valentine’s Day, or Christmas came along because he always got me the greatest gifts. Once it was a beautiful piece of luggage (he knew I was soon to take a trip to California.) Another time it was a smaller piece of luggage matching the first, then a necklace…

Well, when we got married, all that gift giving stopped. I didn’t figure it out or ask about it at first, but over the months when the gifts had become rare I asked Dad why things had changed so much after we married. I was hurt and did not feel as loved anymore. No gift equals no love, right? Then the truth came out. His mom had been the gift-buyer while he had been single, now it was up to him and during his many hours of work he just never thought about it.

Did he love me any less? I don’t think so, but in my heart it felt as if love was waning.

The reason for the lack of gifts was simple enough, but that knowledge of why didn’t take care of my hurt and feeling of rejection. I had some expectations from Dad and they weren’t being fulfilled the way I thought they should be. Ann Voskamp has so wisely said Expectations kill relationships.

When we expect our husbands to satisfy us, make us happy, fill the emptiness in our souls, we are setting ourselves up for a disastrous marriage. All humans are leaky buckets, sieve-like vessels, holey jars – however you want to say it. We all run out of love quickly and completely on our own. We simply cannot fill another’s soul with our own love, and when we expect our husbands to fill our souls with their love it’s just not going to work.

In Love and War John Eldredge says it so well:

The human heart has an infinite capacity for happiness and an unending need for love, because it is created for an infinite God who is unending love. The desperate turn is when we bring the aching abyss of our hearts to one another with the hope, the plea, `Make me happy. Fill this ache.’ And often out of love we do try to make one another happy, and then we wonder why it never lasts.

Our husbands are not capable of giving us the love that our hearts and souls desire, and we’ll be terribly disappointed if we insist they try. Every woman has an insatiable need for relationship. Every man aches for affirmation, to know that he has what it takes to make a relationship work. There is an intense fear of failure in all of us when we rely on ourselves for the love we need to make a marriage work.

I have talked to many women about marriage and they all have said that they are, in one way or another, disappointed with their marriage. It’s ok to admit that. Most likely your husband is disappointed as well. There’s no way that we can possibly be enough for each other.

Early in our marriage I complained about how Dad did things, I tried to change him to be more like me, I gave guilt trips. Nothing worked even though I was an amazingly proficient fault finder and constant corrector. One day he finally said to me “I’m never good enough, am I? You’re just never satisfied.” And it was true. I never could be satisfied because I was looking to him to make me happy and he was not capable of doing that. As a young 20-something, what did I know about love? Not much.

In time I learned that the greatest gift you can give your husband and your marriage is to develop a real relationship with Jesus Christ. You need to have someone to turn to when you’re hurt. You need comfort and understanding for the healing of your own brokenness. And you need that Person to be available 24 hours a day. Your husband can’t do all that for you, nor can you do all that for him. In Psalm 62:1 David says: “My soul finds rest in God alone.”

God is the deepest, truest love that you are longing for and He shows you in so many ways that He loves you. You can see it in the beauty of creation, the fresh alfalfa fields, a beautiful sunset, snowflakes melting on your tongue, the warm sunshine on your face, the songs of birds and the ears to hear them.

The most important prayer you can ever pray is to simply say: “God, open my eyes to your love. Draw my heart to you, and teach me to love like You love.”

We are all leaky buckets looking for a waterfall that never ends. And that waterfall is Jesus Christ, the Living Water. David Wilcox sings about it so vividly in his song Break in the Cup.

We cannot trade empty for empty

We must go to the waterfall

For there’s a break in the cup that holds love…

Inside us all.

When I depend on God’s love to fill me up, (and I need to be filled again every morning) I can love Dad much better because I don’t feel the need to change or control him.

You too, will find so much more joy in your marriage once you stop looking to your husband to make you happy and instead look to your Creator, the maker of your soul.

Love, Mom

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPeVIuRjUi4

The Long and Winding Road

April 1, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week Dad and I took a short day trip to Carmela Winery Restaurant in Glenns Ferry which is about 35 minutes away via the freeway. It was a beautiful day, sunny skies, warm, no wind. After lunch at the Winery we decided to take the old frontage road for a relaxing, scenic drive along the Snake River on the way home. According to the map, the road would wind around gently near the river all the way home.

Our map was not topographical (yes, we use old school maps at times) showing no elevations, and the road was described as improved. We figured that had to be a few steps above unimproved. Anyway, our path home started out in some beautiful farmland, emerald green alfalfa next to a beautiful newly plowed field of rich brown earth. The entrance near the field was complete with real metal cattle guards, not the fake painted-on guards that we have seen in many other places.

We decided to use Google Maps for more detail and it was guiding us well, leading us from the frontage road directly to Shoestring Road, the improved road. We came across the entrance sign to Shoestring that read: Road not maintained in the winter – 5 miles. No problem, it was 78 degrees and no winter weather in sight so we need not worry about maintenance. We wondered aloud why there weren’t more people enjoying this lovely scenic road.

After traveling about a half-mile on Shoestring we started going up the canyon. Suddenly the road got narrow, really narrow. Of course in Idaho there are rarely guard rails on gravel roads, but since Dad is a great driver I wasn’t a bit concerned for our safety. We’ve been on this type of road in years past so no big deal.

Then came the switchbacks, curving around one bend then another. We found that the canyon walls were steeper close up than seeing them from a safe distance below. Our speed was 20 mph, tops, but the view was beautiful. We did not see the river much, however, because other cliffs rose up in the way. So we simply enjoyed the tumbleweeds and sagebrush that were all around us.

We were chatting, I should say I was chatting about the tasty lunch we had enjoyed and how glad I was that we were out exploring on such a beautiful day, but I noticed that Dad was strangely silent. Then I noticed his white-knuckled hands and asked if his armpits were sweaty as well. Sure enough, he was tense and not enjoying the precarious journey nearly as much as I was.

On we went, up more steep grades, around another hairpin curve, the beauty of the river becoming quite scarce. For a second we thought about turning back, knowing that we were probably not even halfway through the 5 miles. Silly idea that was since there was barely enough room for one vehicle, much less a turnaround spot.

So, continuing on around yet another curve we glanced down and saw two cars that had fallen half way down the cliff, rusted and colorless, forever abandoned by some sad souls. Quickly dismissing that sight out of our minds we persisted on our way and finally summited the top of the canyon wall. Now we had only the descent, slowly and carefully.

In another 20 minutes we were safe and sound, driving over the rushing river and on to the long awaited treasured asphalt that was soon to follow.

Once we got home I was thinking about how our long and winding road today was a picture of marriage, my marriage and yours. It starts out in a beautiful green pasture, gradually gets more dangerous, sometimes one or both folks wondering if they should turn around or call it quits. It’s scary, and what makes it more so is seeing other marriages that have become rusty and fallen along the way.

But to those who persevere, to those who keep on loving, to those who “forgetting what is behind and strain toward what is ahead, pressing on toward the goal….” (Philippians 3:13), to those who believe that God can make something beautiful out of two deeply flawed human beings – on those God’s face will shine and cause love to grow. Love will grow, slowly, sometimes unperceptively but it will mature in strength and grace.

I remember one anniversary, I think it was around 27 or 28 years, I received an anniversary card from a good friend. On it she wrote “Thank you for showing God’s faithfulness in your marriage. It is such an encouragement to me.” This card came at a time during which my friend knew things were difficult between Dad and me so I was somewhat speechless. I had been complaining to her how Dad was being so uncooperative and just annoying me in all he did. What I didn’t understand at the time was that she admired us for continuing to work through the tough spots, continuing to keep our vows in spite of disagreements and frustrations.

When we look back along that long and winding road of our marriages we can see the growth and feel the bonds strengthening. We stand in awe, knowing how the years of commitment and faithfulness to God and to each other will indeed produce a harvest of love for generations to come.

Love, Mom

You Raise Me Up

March 25, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When I was student teaching in a high school choir back in 2003 the song You Raise Me Up, popularized by Josh Groban, was a favorite of many. My supervising teacher, Mr. Wall, chose the song for the Spring concert and the students sang it with fervor, loving every word and musical phrase, working hard to nail their parts down. They never tired of singing it and I loved being a part of the rehearsal process as well.

Then came a day when Mr. Wall was not able to come to class and we had a substitute teacher. Since I was still a student teacher, it was mandatory that a certified Sub be in the room. He encouraged me to take the choir for the first half of the 90-minute class period, then he would step in and take the second half.

I was unprepared for what came next. After weeks of working with, coaching, encouraging, and teaching the students, thinking I was becoming a valid part of the choir, the students turned on me. There was laughing, mocking, many of the students deliberately behaving contrary to what they had done every other day of the semester.

Being blind sighted, it felt as if I were in a nightmare. I tried some other teaching strategies and tactics I had studiously learned in my Education courses but nothing made any difference. After 30 minutes I turned to the Sub and motioned for him to come up and take over as I fled in tears.

At home that afternoon I was trying to understand what happened, not ever wanting to face that choir again. Mr. Wall called to see how I was doing and gently told me that I needed to get back up to the podium the next day and talk about what had happened, calling the students to account.

I was petrified. I had talked to Dad and close friends about things that hurt, but getting up in front of the entire class of 80 high school kids? I struggled with being honest about the injury I had suffered at their hands, worrying that I would break down again in front of them, having absolutely no idea how to convey my disappointment in them.

That night I asked God for wisdom, words, and courage to speak the truth yet give them grace so that we could finish the remaining semester together in peace.

Next morning dawned and I slogged my way to school. I had some ideas of what to say but still nothing certain. As soon as I stepped up to the podium with my folder of music I saw the song You Raise Me Up. So as I started talking about my hurt and disappointment of the day before, I pointed out the title of that song:

“We as a choir sing You Raise Me Up so beautifully, but yesterday with the mockery and sarcasm abounding, I felt as if you were singing You Tear Me Down.”

From there, God gave me words to convey to the choir the hurt that I felt at the disrespect that was given. I talked about the necessity to live what we sing. Words sung are just as important as words spoken. When our actions don’t match the lyrics we sing, the words become hollow and mean nothing.

Years later I thought about the songs we sing in worship services. Do we really mean what we sing? I Surrender All. Really?? Do I surrender all or do I just surrender what’s easy, what’s convenient? Do I surrender my time, my dreams, my desires, and my pride to Jesus or do I just sing the words and feel some emotional passion for the moment?

I Give You My Heart is another beautiful song that we love to sing, hands lifted high. There’s a line that I love: “Lord, have Your way with me” that slides so easily off our tongues, but do we really want God to have His way with us?

Marriage is one of the crucibles that God uses to have His way in us, and I know I have fought His way in me way too many times. His way is one of submission to our husbands, of taking our hands of control away, and giving the control to God. We may not like how our marriage is progressing, wondering if God is doing anything to help us. It’s easy to think that He’s not actively involved in our lives because at times it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

A beautiful quote by Shauna Niequist says so eloquently: God’s always speaking, always. He’s always moving, always present, always creating, always healing. Oftentimes we need to use our eyes of faith, believing that He is present and working because our natural eyes are myopic. We have difficulty finding the longsuffering and patience to see the big picture.

I encourage you to look back and count the ways – how God has changed you and your husband, and invite Him to continue, to dwell deeply in your union. When we humble ourselves He will raise us up. There will always be differences, tensions and disagreements. But let God have His way with you, and let God have His way with your man.

The day after I shared my hurt with the choir I received some beautiful apology letters, several students even speaking to me in person. So, in spite of my fear and trepidation of facing teenagers with my wounded heart, God entered our classroom and taught us all a lesson of grace.

Love, Mom

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yfwlj0gba_k

Love and War

March 18, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I had never noticed that the Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a marriage. In their book Love and War, John and Stasi Eldredge point out that the epic story of human history, spanning thousands of years, begins with a couple. As God unfolds the beautiful, frightening, mysterious story of His love, there is not some lone hero standing against the world, but a man and a woman – a marriage.

Then at the end of the written Word, in the book of Revelation, there appears a white horse and its rider, the battle of Armegeddon, the end of the world as we know it, then finally a feast – a wedding feast. The wedding here is between Jesus Christ and his bride, the church.

In a sense, marriage is the Kingdom of God. It is meant to bring glory to God because God is love and where there is love, there is God. (Mother Teresa) When we love each other in our marriages, forgive when there are offenses (and there will be offenses every day), sacrifice for one another, never give up hope, always persevere in the difficult times of life, we are modeling what the love of God is all about.

The bottom line story of the Bible is Love. God loves us and He wants us to love one another. Sounds simple, but as you and I know, it’s not. Why? Because this beautiful love story is placed in the middle of a dreadful war.

Think of all the fairy tales that you love. One of my favorites is The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson, later made into a Disney movie. The movie came out during a time when we were all living out on the plains of Kansas. If you remember the movie, that love story is placed in the midst of a war as well. Ursula, the sea witch, was doing everything she could to keep Ariel and the Prince from marrying, making a mockery of love. In the end, the Prince and Ariel did marry but not without a battle of heroic proportions.

Think of the famous girls and boys in other adventure stories you have read: Shasta and Aravis in The Horse and His Boy, being driven together by Aslan; Hansel and Gretel holding hands together for safety in the dark woods; Beauty and the Beast learning to love so that they will both be free. People all over the world love those stories. Why? John and Stasi think it’s because we want to live stories like that as well.

The honeymoon of Adam and Eve barely started when the serpent successfully snakes in with a plan to break everyone’s heart. His deceptive lie separated the humans from God and from each other. Now there was distrust, blaming, shaming, and betrayal. Satan’s plan has not changed one iota since then, he comes only to kill, steal and destroy.

But in this, the world’s darkest moment, love shines through. In spite of chronic unbelief on our part, God pledges to love and pursue us. He does this through the great Prince, son of the King, Jesus Christ. Christianity is truly the most preeminent love story the world has ever known.

This story is not over, it is still unfolding right now, even as you are reading. The terrible clash between the Kingdom of God and the kingdom of darkness continues. At the core of this age old struggle, there is one overarching question that is being raised: Can a kingdom of love prevail? God vows that “Love never fails,” (1 Corinthians 13:8) but the world laughs and the devil laughs. Sometimes we laugh too. It sounds so naïve. Love seems so weak when compared to all the evil around us.

Your marriage is set in the midst of this story, the age-old beautiful story of God pursuing His people; it is a story of redemption, a story of love. But that story is opposed, because it is an outrageously brazen story to illustrate His heart of love toward us

It seems that if we as married couples can’t find a great battle to fight together we’ll start one with each other. For years I saw Dad as the enemy of our marriage. He wouldn’t agree with me on how to raise you girls, on which movies to watch, how to discipline, decisions on spending money….and on and on. So I fought with him, fighting for my opinion to win, my view to be the right view. Not surprisingly, this did not improve our marriage.

Then God finally opened my eyes to see the spiritual battle that was going on, a battle that could only be fought effectively with prayer and love. You know the verse “Love your enemies, pray for those who hurt you…”? Well, when I finally started doing what this verse says, a ray of hope sprang up in my heart. I started trusting God to do His work, instead of me trying to change things. And that is precisely when things started to change.

Oh how I lament the years that I tried to do things in my own power, but God is so gracious. He patiently waits for each of us to come to the point of giving up on ourselves and giving in to Him. He never coerces, never pressures, he simply pursues, encouraging us through his Spirit.

We are prone to wander, forget, and go back to old patterns, but for that too God is patient, forgiving and filled with grace, urging us to get up and try again.

God loves you as you are, not as you should be. (Brennan Manning)

Love, Mom

Remember

March 11, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

In the den we have a large Sun Remembrance Calendar to keep track of days filled with sunshine. Grandma laments so quickly when we have just one gray day, so I decided to decorate the calendar with reminders of the sunny days. At the beginning of February there were several dismal, dreary days in a row and she continued to grieve the loss of the sun. So now I direct her to the Calendar to see the many bright, filled-with-sunshine days that we have enjoyed. She seems to be encouraged by the visual of all those yellow-sun-blue-sky days, even on those that are gloomy.

As I was finishing up yet another (16 days in a row) sunny day marking I started thinking about how quickly we forget the sunshine and faithfulness of God in our lives. We receive abounding mercies every day that grace our lives, yet when a disappointment comes we cry out in surprise and hurt, thinking God doesn’t care.

I have recently finished a most excellent book on marriage entitled Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge, a fitting title for marriage, don’t you think? The Eldredges have been married for 30 years and have been on the brink of divorce several times. Interestingly, they begin the book with the following two sentences: Marriage can be done. And it is worth it.

All of us who have been married experience surprise and shock when we discover how hard it is. The feelings that lure us into marriage – romance, love, passion, sex, companionship – often seem far from the actual reality of married life. I think most of us dreamed that our husbands would perpetually try to please us, constantly cheer us on when we have hard days and be that rock of stability we have always desired.

Dad and I went into marriage with no premarital course, no Engaged Encounter weekend. We simply discussed with our pastor how we wanted the wedding ceremony to be – and of course my main goal was lots of good music including The Hallelujah Chorus as we were exiting the ceremony in the beautiful month of May. Because we were both Christians, we (and apparently everyone else) thought we’d sail through our marriage so smoothly. But let me tell you I certainly wasn’t singing The Hallelujah Chorus when October came around. Dad was so stubborn, selfish, and unbending in the most peculiar areas. Of course, it took years for me to see the same things in myself.

In Chapter 1 of Love and War John and Stasi encourage us to remember what we originally longed for in marriage, the desire to be known and loved for who we are. But who in the world actually knows who they are when they get married?

If only some older woman would have warned me what typically happens in marriage, saying something like this: “Listen, Shari – you’re a fine young woman and Larry is a wonderful guy but you are both deeply broken people. All that brokenness will be coming to the surface as soon as you say `I do.’ Don’t be surprised, it happens to everyone. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong, but don’t ignore what surfaces. God is going to use your marriage to bring up the issues in your life that He wants to address. Each of you have devised a way of making life work and those ways will collide sooner rather than later. Don’t run away from this stuff when things get difficult. Get some help, read some books, talk to some older couples who have wisdom and vulnerability. Above all don’t give up. Marriage is worth the fight.”

I find it interesting that Adam and Eve, even though they had the perfect parent, made a mess of the lives they were given. After they were finished with the initial blaming and hiding God came looking for them. “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9) As they were running away, God pursued them and He continues to pursue us in our marriages today. He wants us to remember the desire, the dream that we had when we first fell in love. He understands the sorrow, pain and rejection that we have experienced in our marriages, and He offers life to us if we will invite Him into our relationship. My desire, decades ago, was that I could be known and yet still loved and valued. I wanted to share my life, my joys and my sorrows with Dad because life can be hard, cruel and often dangerous. I longed to go on an adventure with him, just like in the fairy tales I had loved as a child.

All those things have happened in the past 38 years, but not as soon and certainly not how I envisioned they would. It took a lot longer than I ever dreamed because I had no idea how broken both Dad and I were. There were times we lost heart, yet we both remembered what we had desired in our marriage and we continued to trust God to teach us, lead us, and give us His love for one another. We certainly were not capable of loving each other on our own.

As John Eldredge says “Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a tree to blossom without sunshine and water.” But letting that Life into our marriage is like opening all the doors and windows of our house in the spring time and letting the Son shine in. He brings real love, genuine companionship, joy, long suffering and a shared mission.

Remember, never forget those desires that were planted in your heart long ago, don’t lose heart, and trust God to make them come to life – in His time.

Love, Mom

I Wonder as I Wander

February 25, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last night I was taking a short walk after dinner when the spring night was clear, crisp and cool. It is not officially Spring according to the calendar but it certainly feels like it here in Idaho. Typically I look down at my feet as I walk in the dark making sure I don’t trip on a tumble weed or a little critter scampering across my path. Tonight, though, I looked up into the starry, starry night and the song I Wonder as I Wander came to mind.

I wonder as I wander, out under the sky,

How Jesus the Savior did come for to die.

For poor, ornery people like you and like I

I wonder as I wander, out under the sky.

Just before I left the house I made a snide remark to Dad about some trivial thing he did to annoy me. Then as I was looking into the sky I suddenly heard the thought

Get out of your own little world and open up to the Big Story that God has for you.

Far too often I get caught up in what I can see directly around me, in front of me, and to the side. Then I wonder about Jesus our Savior who came for to die. Certainly He wouldn’t have come to live, suffer and die, his only intent being to give his followers a ticket to heaven.

During this season of Lent, a time of waiting and pondering the suffering of Jesus Christ, I am drawn to this statement of His: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his live will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.” Matthew 16:24-25 In marriage it is so important to lose our life because that is distinctly how we will save it. Being annoyed by trivial comments, complaining about dirty socks on the floor, arguing over what movie to watch are simply distractions to keep us in those lesser, smaller stories.

Knowing the Bigger Story in which we are living certainly makes our lives and our choices more significant. Almost everyone has a longing to be part of something bigger than their own little sphere of influence. There must be more to life than the day in day out grind of work, tending children, eating meals, changing diapers, watching basketball games, looking for hearing aids….

Philosophers call this longing to be a part of a Bigger Story transcendence. It is the desire to make a difference in the world, to be bound together in some heroic purpose with others of like mind and spirit. John Eldredge in his book The Sacred Romance, writes so eloquently about God’s incredible pursuit for people who will take a step into a larger story, a story that will consume all their life and desire. That story is the narrative of God pursuing His people, and His people responding by letting their hearts be turned toward and molded by their loving Heavenly Father.

We all love a good story – fairy tales, romances, epics, biographies – any adventure story is worth telling. The Bible is full of stories about people who have loved, hated, obeyed, rebelled, worshipped, lamented, grieved, rejoiced, failed – people who have experienced every emotion that you have. You will find that the people who are the most memorable, the ones who have the finest stories are those who understood the Bigger Story.

Consider Joseph. Sold into slavery and forgotten by his brothers, he became the best slave that he could. Wrongly accused by his boss’s wife he was thrown into prison for years, and he became the most honorable prisoner that he could. He knew and believed that there was a Bigger Story of which he was a part. Because he knew and trusted the Hero of the story, he was free to forgive and wait patiently on God to do whatever He saw fit to do. Later, God’s story became evident when Joseph was appointed second-in-command over all Egypt in order to save many from starvation during the famine that was to come.

Many people in the Bible knew that they were a part of a Bigger Story. Others were simply caught up in their own small stories of control and gratification. For many years I struggled to control our family, to make you all do things that I thought were best. Inevitably God let those plans disintegrate because He wanted me to step into the larger story, giving you daughters and Dad to Him. God, the Hero of the Bigger Story, has immeasurably greater plans that far surpass anything I could ever imagine for all of you.

I used to think that I needed to be the answer woman and have all the right words for everyone, including you girls, but now my favorite phrase is “You better ask God for wisdom about that one.” My greatest desire is that each of you will seek God on your own, looking for your place in the Bigger Story, listening, learning and loving. I can point you to God’s heart, His love of forgiveness, reconciliation, compassion, helping the oppressed, and then I can stand back in awe, watching each of you making those choices that will bring you into the Bigger Story.

I am constantly amazed that Jesus came to die for poor ornery people like you and like I. He loves us just as we are, but has plans for so much more – because Heroes are just like that.

Love, Mom

It’s Not My Fault

February 18, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I remember the first time I led worship last year at Westwood Church. I had just finished welcoming the people and launched into the beginning song which was energetic, loud, and fast. When the worship team started (3 guitars, drums, bongos, 2 singers and me on the piano) I suddenly heard a minor chord and immediately thought “OK which of those guitars are playing the wrong chord?” Then, to my horror, I looked down at my hands and saw that it was me! In my nervousness I had placed my hands in the wrong position and was playing an A minor chord instead of a G major. I quickly moved into the right position, and perhaps nobody heard, but I was astounded and saddened at my eagerness to blame someone else for my mistake.

In Battlefield of the Mind, Joyce Meyer entitles Wilderness Mentality #6:

It’s Somebody Else’s Fault.

How quick we all are to pin the blame on someone else and, of course, it’s nothing new. Starting in the Garden of Eden the serpent tempted Eve and both she and Adam disobeyed. When God came around and found them hiding in the bushes from their shame He asked them for the story. Immediately Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and now we all continue in that sad tradition. It is a rare person who is willing to say, I made a mistake, it was my fault, and I take full responsibility.

In the desert the Israelites complained that all of their problems were the fault of Moses and God. It was easier to blame Moses for their inconveniences than try to be grateful that God fed them every day, never allowed their shoes to wear out, led them with a cloud both day and night, provided water from a rock – to name just a few ways of how God cared for them.

Another interesting story from the Bible: When Sarah and Abraham had tired of waiting many years for the child God had promised them, they decided to take charge of the situation themselves. Trying to help God out a little Sarah suggested that Abraham sleep with her maid. Abraham complied and Hagar, the servant girl, conceived. Later, of course, Hagar starting boasting and bragging about her pregnancy because Sarah was still barren, so there was strife in the household. And what did Sarah do? She blamed Abraham for sleeping with Hagar and producing a child, even though it was her idea in the first place. Humanity has really not changed much over the millennium.

For several decades of our marriage, I’m sad to say, I was the Queen of Blame. I didn’t always say it out loud, but often in my head I would think “If Dad wouldn’t have done that, this wouldn’t have happened.” In fact Dad has said recently that the hardest time in our marriage was when I blamed him for the lifestyle that some of you lived for a time. I remember thinking (much to my embarrassment and shame all these years later) that I was such a wonderful mother, and that if he were as good a father as I was a mother, our daughters would be so much better. Lord have mercy! Such arrogance, pride, and all that other stuff that God hates.

Somehow in my deluded way of thinking, I thought I was speaking facts when blaming Dad for circumstances in our family. Oh how deceived I was until by God’s grace He opened my eyes and I saw how I was most certainly a variable in the equation of problems in our family. Not that I never accused him again, but I understood that my judgmental attitude was doing nothing but dividing, and certainly not conquering the circumstances.

You remember whenever traveling by airplane there is always the speech about the oxygen mask, “Put on your own mask first, and then assist others around you.” It reminds me of the blame game. We cannot help anyone unless we are first honest, forgiven, and open to God’s work in our own lives. We need to let Him change us before we can ever be of help to another person.

So…. I am learning to train my mind and my mouth to take responsibility for when I fail. I have learned to say, “I was wrong.” Taking responsibility for our actions takes courage, but it also takes the Holy Spirit to open our eyes to face the truth about ourselves. When we blame others for our attitudes and actions we are not able to see the truth about ourselves. It truly takes an act of God to open our eyes, but if you ask He will certainly make it known to you. It’s a bit scary, and it will be painful but oh so freeing.

It’s so easy to blame our moods on other people. But I love a quote from Joyce:

People can take a lot of things away from you, but no one can take away your good attitude.

If we ask God to show us where we are in error, he certainly will. It is not easy to see ourselves for who we truly are, but as Jesus said

You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.

Love, Mom

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the light.

3 John 4

Tag: marriage (Page 3 of 6)

Disruptions

Thirty-Nine Years

Trust Me

The Greatest Gift For Him

The Long and Winding Road

You Raise Me Up

Love and War

Remember

I Wonder as I Wander

It’s Not My Fault

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