Tag: marriage (Page 4 of 6)

Bury the Complaining

February 4, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I recently read the book Joni and Ken – an Untold Love Story and found it intriguing. Because Joni and Ken Tada were so famous and had flown all over the world encouraging others with disabilities, I had always figured that they had a most wonderful, stress-free marriage. Not so. In the book they were both honest and vulnerable about their struggles. Their story fits very well with Joyce Meyers’s Wilderness Mentality #4: Grumbling, faultfinding, and complaining, taken from her book Battlefield of the Mind.

Joyce starts off the chapter with the verses from 1 Peter 2:19-20.

For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering, because he is conscious of God…..But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.

Obviously if we live in this world we are going to suffer – it’s simply a part of life. God, of course, walks with us through every part of our suffering, but He desires that we honor Him in the midst of our suffering.

When the Israelites suffered in the desert they made sure that Moses and Aaron knew whenever they were miserable, which seemed to be their chosen chronic condition. They grumbled, they murmured, they blamed Moses for anything that brought them out of their comfort zone. They were not about to be patient or trust God even though they had seen miracle after miracle – which is the reason it took 40 years to make what could have been an 11-day trip.

The same is true with us. If we continue to grumble and complain, our marriages will not improve, in fact they will probably sour and begin to crumble. We will go through the same petty arguments, the same minor incidents becoming major battles. Complaining simply poisons our heart toward God. It’s not until we decide to trust God right where we are – in the midst of our suffering, in the middle of our storms – that we will enable Him to do the work He desires to do in our marriage.

Back to the Tadas: The simple fact that Ken was willing to marry Joni, who is a quadriplegic, is amazing to me. After 25 years of marriage he was still committed, but getting weary of the care and the constant battling with health issues; then there was breast cancer and debilitating chronic pain. But one day as Ken was out alone on a lake fishing, he heard a clear voice in his mind saying “Joni is the most precious gift I have given to you. You take care of her.”

Knowing that the thought was from God, he gradually accepted the fact that caring for his wife was the most important thing he was called to do in this life. So often he had been caught up in the physical sameness of life. Taking care of Joni and her immense physical needs was on top of all the normal ups and downs that marriage entails, and he had started to weary, complain, grumble and escape emotionally.

Everyday life often gets us bogged down in the mundane details that we tire of so easily. It is then that we need to remember that caring for the people that God has put closest to us is the most important thing we can do. It’s more important than our job title, our income or the cleanliness of our home. We, of course, need His strength and wisdom to love those He has entrusted us with, and He is always willing to give it when we ask.

Then I got thinking about my marriage. Over the years I have complained more than I like to admit. Finally I am learning to shut my mouth when I need to and listen to Dad, value him, encourage him with my words. No more grumbling or complaining – giving thanks and praise no matter what we are going through is much more worthwhile and gives joy abundant. I have learned that true love grows over time – lots of time – and if we are simply committed, faithful, and bury the complaining, God will bless beyond our wildest expectations.

Your husband is the most precious gift that God has given you, take care of him.

Love, Mom

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 4

May I Borrow Your Hands?

January 28, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

The other day Grandma came to me and asked if she could borrow my eyes for a little bit. She was trying to figure out what to wear and because she is blind in one eye and has limited sight in the other, it is difficult for her to choose her clothes. As you know, in her younger days she was always so stylish, matching purses and scarves, dressing just right. I went into her bedroom and chose an outfit with some jewelry that matched and she gratefully accepted my assistance.

As I was walking back to my room I remembered a song by Joni Eareckson Tada from decades ago, on her album I’ve Got Wheels. Joni is a quadriplegic, suffering from a diving accident when she was 17. She sings the song to friends who are her caregivers. The song May I Borrow Your Hands? goes like this:

May I borrow your hands? Mine don’t work so well,

But yours will do just fine.

May I borrow your hands? Mine won’t work for me

Yours can be mine….for a time.

Helping one another, like a sister and a brother.

May I borrow your hands? They can work for me,

Together we’ll do just fine.

Throughout the day I found myself singing that song, inserting the word eyes for hands. Later on I started thinking about things that Grandpa and Grandma borrow from each other. At the age of 89 Grandpa’s eyes are still very sharp so he too is able to help Grandma with things that she cannot see. He drives her into town for groceries and her Saturday morning hair appointment. Grandpa has had essential tremors for decades – his hands shake always and his writing is impossible. Yet Grandma is steady as a rock and still has a beautiful signature.

When it comes to walking Grandma is like an energizer bunny, she just keeps going and going and going….. whereas Grandpa has difficulty walking 100 feet. Grandma’s “forgetter is getting better” but Grandpa’s mind is mostly intact.

I think most marriages are like that, where one is weak the other is strong. God, in His infinite wisdom has put us with a husband who complements us in many ways. You have heard that opposites attract and I know it is true in our marriage.

While driving around Dad is always interested in the geology of the area, wondering where the headwaters are to Billingsly Creek or at what point the Clam River flows into the Muskegon River, what river runs into which lake…… I on the other hand, just enjoy the beauty of what I see. Dad loves to eat, and during one meal is always asking what the next meal is going to be. I eat simply because I know I need to for survival.

When we go to visit museums Dad reads every single word on every single sign, while I am content simply browsing through and catching the highlights. Family trees are his specialty and knowing all the kin, including second-cousins-once-removed are entertainment for him, but I get lost in the tangle of all the leaves, branches and twigs.

When I am weak, Dad is strong.

In spite of all our differences, we have learned to appreciate the other’s interests. Throughout the years we have come to enjoy our various strengths and weaknesses, although years ago we often annoyed each other with our variances. We are both able to admit our weaknesses more freely and ask for the other’s assistance when we need it. In the beginning it tended to be more of a power struggle of who was the strongest in areas that were really of no importance. I look back and see how foolish it was for us to live like that, but thankfully we have learned.

Although Joni Eareckson Tada wrote May I Borrow Your Hands? back in the 80’s when she was single, she and her husband Ken Tada now sing it to each other at the many events at which they are asked to speak about marriage. It’s a vivid picture of what marriage is meant to be, allowing our husband to be strong when we are weak, and in turn being strong for him when he is weak.

Love, Mom

Trees

January 21, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Over 20 years ago Biosphere 2 was built outside Tucson, Arizona. A vast, enclosed ecosystem of 3.14 acres, scientists set out to study Earth’s living systems in a controlled environment. Trees grown in Biosphere 2 grew quickly, more quickly than their counterparts out in the wild. The scientists were mystified though when the trees became thin and weak with underdeveloped root systems, many of them falling over before they reached maturity. Finally it was discovered that there was one element in Biosphere 2 that had not been included – wind.

When trees are in the wild they are subject to strong winds which are necessary to develop stress wood , strong fibrous wood that enables the tree to become stronger and vastly improves the quality of life for the tree. Without stress wood a tree can grow quickly but not sustain the weight that accompanies the height.

Joyce Meyer’s Wilderness Mentality #3, Please make everything easy, I can’t take it if it’s too hard, embodies this very idea. When the Israelites were taking their journey through the wilderness they deplored the difficulty of crossing the desert. They whined that everything was too hard, but God loved them enough to lead them through the desert the long hard way because He wanted them to grow up and mature.

The main questions the Israelites repeatedly asked were: Why, God, why? When, God, when? How, God, how? They wanted to know the why, the when and the how before they would trust Him, but as they learned, God didn’t answer all those questions, He simply asked them to trust and obey.

Your marriage right now may seem to be too hard and you would like this business of loving your husband to be a whole lot easier. But you know what happens when things get hard? You find out that you need God more than you thought, you find out that by yourself you cannot love the way you should. I know you have been hurt, offended, and sometimes it seems that your husband is driving you crazy with his annoying habits. Through all of these hardships God is trying to get you to spend more time with Him, lean into Him and receive more grace from Him.

It’s a struggle, a fight to not complain, not fall into the bitterness mode, but it is not too hard because God’s strength is always available. And you know what? The good thing is that through these difficult times in your marriage you are becoming stronger, more loving, more patient. You are also becoming the woman of God that you are meant to be. Our way in life becomes too hard only if we think it is too hard.

I love Paul’s reminder to us:” And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9) I have had to read that verse many times, fighting to believe that God’s word is true and that we will reap what we sow.

True character is always shown in adversity. Anyone can be happy when things go their way, but the true test is seeing how we act when things are not going our way. Are we still able to trust God and do good in spite of how we are feeling? God wants us to be stable in all circumstances because that proves that we trust Him. Unfortunately we can only learn trust through trials and difficulties; times when we really need Him (which for me is every single day).

A few years ago Dad and I went through a difficult time in our relationship. (Even at 36 years of marriage they still happen). Initially I wanted to shut down, blame him and walk away. Then I remembered these letters I’m writing to you girls and figured I better take my own advice, forgive him, acknowledge my own sin and let it go. I had to fight for it but after a time I was able to say “Thank you God for allowing this to happen to us, and I thank you in advance for how you will use it to strengthen our relationship.” Let me tell you, it didn’t come without tears and agony, but those words did come and I thank God for the grace that enabled me to say them. Gratitude, not resentment, is the wisest response to these hard times.

One last interesting fact about trees: You may remember many years ago that our family visited the Sequoia National Park near Visalia, California – those huge trees that live for thousands of years, grow over 300 feet tall and are thick enough to drive a car through. Sequoias are amazing because they actually have shallow roots, only 10-13 feet deep, then spread outward horizontally up to 300 feet. Sequoias are able to stand firm by growing wide roots, then interlocking roots with other trees. They don’t compete with each other for resources, instead their huge root systems fuse together as they share resources. Their strength comes from supporting each other and standing together. What a beautiful picture of marriage that trees provide, the winds of struggle making us strong, roots interlocking and standing firm.

Love,

Mom

Go Slow

January 14, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

The other day I was walking down the hall and there was Dad lying down on the cold tile floor taking a picture of Grandma’s Christmas cactus. Now I know Dad loves to take pictures and they are really good ones, but taking pictures from below the flowers? It is a beautiful plant, but as Dad found out, the real beauty truly came from slowing down, lying below and looking up. I know because I stopped, took the time and laid down beside him to see for myself.

When I was in junior high I loved to play the piano, loud and fast. I hated to play slow songs – they were so boring. Plus, all the kids were impressed when I played fast and loud – spider fingers is what they called me.

Later on in college, Professor Worst would say to me, Slow down, Shari, your music will have so much more life to it if you just go slower. Breathe.

Years ago, when I walked with my friends I loved to walk fast. We would walk and walk and talk. Then when Grandma came to visit, just she and I would go. I would be silently annoyed because she walked slower than I liked, but I would grudgingly adapt to her speed.

When you are in Wyoming and the gas gauge on your car is getting low and there’s not a gas station for another 52 miles, what’s the best thing to do? Slow down so your mileage goes up and maybe, just maybe you can make it to the next town before the tank is empty. (It didn’t always work for us, but in theory it should.)

In my younger years I wanted to be efficient, multi-task, get the most done in the least amount of time. Isn’t that the way a good Christian woman should be? I wanted to do my best for God, which meant to do it quickly and well, or so I thought. I expected the same from God: He should be efficient, answer my prayers soon, maybe not quickly, but I really shouldn’t have to wait too long, should I?

And then I got sick and was laid low, on my back, for weeks. I couldn’t walk around the block, much less walk fast around the block. Of course I was irritated, angry that I didn’t get better quickly.

One day as I was on the couch, lying down and looking up, I read in Isaiah the following words that jumped out from the page:

Woe to those who say, ‘Let God hurry and carry out His plans so that we can see something happening and know that his word is true.’

I was shocked, surprised, and if truth be told, hurt, to read that God was in no hurry to answer my prayers of healing or of anything else I desired, in fact there was a woe attached to hurry. In the past I had been so busy that I had not listened to his voice that also said

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.

Psalm 37:7

A few months ago I was practicing the song Breathe on the piano and it had some difficult parts in it when I was keeping the same speed throughout. But as I was working out the hard spots, having to go slow, I noticed a beauty that I hadn’t heard before. I found that if I took extra time and breathed into the song some times of slowing, stretching the tempo, it came alive and was much more beautiful than simply trying to keep the challenging parts the same speed as the rest of the song. I needed to be reminded again, Go slow. Especially the hard parts.

Eventually I was able to get up and around again after my time on the couch, but I have learned and am still learning to remember to go slow, take time, and

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:14.

I’m assuming that because the phrase wait for the Lord is stated two times in that little short verse, God is really adamant about waiting. As Ann Voskamp says so often, Life is not an emergency. Breathe.

In our marriages we want changes in our husband, in us and in our kids. When we invite God into our hard parts of life, He will bring about change – but never in a hurried way.

The amazing thing is that while I was on the couch God did an important reconciling work between Dad and I. In the world’s eyes I was not at all productive, but in that time of slowdown He did some important, humbling work in me that could have never been done otherwise.

In God’s eyes relationships are much more important than busyness. I know that God will work out every detail, every hurt, every little thing in you and in your men in His time. Trust Him with your life and your marriage – and go slow.

Love, Mom

Who’s Responsible?

January 7, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When we first get married there is usually a honeymoon time – a time when we’re thinking this marriage is going to be a Happily Ever After marriage. A time when we think that he will leave all his single lifestyle behavior behind and things will be different now that we’re married. Typically that honeymoon period doesn’t last too long. The excitement, romance and idyllic ideals wear off and the blunt truth of real life sets in. The normal response to this period of time is “What’s wrong with him, why doesn’t he try to make me happy?” In other words, “I would rather not take the responsibility for making a good marriage.”

I’m sorry to admit it, but those were precisely the thoughts I had early on in my marriage, which brings us directly to the second Wilderness Mentality that Joyce has gleaned from her study of the Israelites in the desert.

Somebody Else Needs to Take Responsibility

If you remember, the trip from Egypt to Canaan was only an 11 day trip, but it took the Israelites 40 years to make that short trip. The reason for that long, wandering journey was their poor attitudes. Amazingly, or maybe not so amazingly, we have the same attitude problems today. Human attitudes and behavior now are really no different than they were for the people living during ancient times.

In the desert, Moses did a lot for the Israelites. He did their praying, he did their repenting (interceding and struggling with God to save their very lives several times). They had been slaves in Egypt their entire lives so didn’t know how to walk as free men and women. Moses tried to teach them, but they just continued to whine, complain, and murmur whenever anything went wrong. It amazes me that even though the Israelites saw the 10 plagues before they left Egypt, witnessed the Red Sea split in two so they could go across on dry ground, watched the manna (free food) fall every day – still they became complainers and worriers anytime a problem came up.

You would think that they would remember that God had always provided for them in the past, so would thank Him in advance for how He would provide for them again. But no, they moaned and groaned, murmured and complained, wishing they were back in Egypt. Life was just too hard in this land of freedom.

Kinda sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Even though we see the faithfulness of God with the sun coming up every day, the beautiful seasons continually appearing each year, our abundance of food, clothing, jobs, and places to live, still we find things to complain about. And often they are so trivial – our husband doesn’t agree with us, he say things that offend us, we don’t have the stuff that others have, we think someone else’s spouse would be better for us than the one we have, and on and on and on. I am amazed how patient God is to put up with our lack of gratitude and trust.

The verse Philippians 2:14 is really a tough one for me. “Do everything without complaining or arguing.” Everything?? I looked but could find no exceptions in that verse. The word everything really covers it all. That includes letting go of the petty arguments, forgiving again and again and possibly again. Being the first one to apologize…..saying those difficult words I was wrong. The first time I said those three words in succession I almost choked on them, but with practice it has become a little easier. Practice, every day practice is what it has taken me – years and years of continual practice to change my attitude from one of finding fault to one of gratitude.

There are many things in life that can be delegated. Personal responsibility, however, is not one of those. You are the only one who can take responsibility for your attitudes and I’m the only one who can take responsibility for mine. I’m not saying it’s easy or sometimes even desirable, but God will bless your obedience.

Try to remember all that God has done in the past, His faithfulness, His provision, His care and His love for you. Then pass it on to your husband.

Love, Mom

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 4

Your Past ≠ Your Future

December 31, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

August 2012

Dear Daughters,

Since I had to quit teaching school six months ago I haven’t written you girls because I have been listless and unable to do much. Thankfully I’m still able to teach piano and take care of the house, but even that’s been a stretch.

In the past year or so I’ve been listening to a lot of Joyce Meyer on CD. A friend gave me her library of Joyce’s CD’s and she has been an excellent teacher and encourager for me in these months that have been so difficult and lonely. She teaches on many different subjects but the one that has influenced me the most has been The Battlefield of the Mind. I recently finished Joyce’s book by that name, so I have decided to use some of it as my focus for the next while.

As you remember from the Old Testament, when the Israelites left Egypt after 400 years of slavery they wandered in the desert for 40 years before entering the promised land of Canaan. What I had never known before is this: If they had just gone straight across the desert it would have taken only eleven days. So…why all the 40 years of wandering? It’s something Joyce calls “Wilderness Mentalities.” I knew that a big reason for their wanderings was their constant grumbling and complaining, but Joyce has studied the travels and attitudes of the Israelites and has come up with “Seven Wilderness Mentalities.” Seven reasons why they continued to wander for 40 years. Surprisingly enough, we still struggle with these very same mentalities thousands of years later. I used to think that I was a bit more advanced in my thinking than those silly Israelites who never seemed to learn, but the more I studied these mentalities the more I realized that I’m really not much different than they were, even though I have their story to learn from.

Wilderness Mentality #1 is “My future is determined by my past and my present.” All the Israelites had ever known was bondage in Egypt. They had no positive vision for their lives. As Proverbs 29:18 says “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” They knew their history as slaves, living under harsh taskmasters, and could not fathom their lives being any different. The same is true for us. We know where we have been in our marriage, the annoyances, the playback of past hurts, dashed dreams of the ideals we had for our marriage. Our adversary often feeds us the lie “Your marriage will always be like this, nothing will ever change, don’t even try.”

Anyway, back to the Israelites who grumbled and deplored their situation, accusing Moses and Aaron for their circumstances. The Israelites got free food falling from the sky every morning, their clothes and shoes never wore out, continuously they saw the cloud above leading them throughout the desert, yet still they complained. They were never thankful for how God miraculously provided, but always critical – nothing was ever good enough, negative words all the time. They simply did not trust that God loved them enough to take care of them. My, how familiar it all sounds.

We need to get a new mindset and believe that with God all things are possible (Luke 18:27). Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a rose to bloom without sunshine and water. Yes, we all lose heart in our marriage now and then; it’s a battle to keep on loving, keep on forgiving. I remember several times just wanting to walk away, give up, call it quits. But I didn’t. I made another meal, washed another load of clothes, prayed, listened and talked with Dad, asked God for help to love when I could not.

Memories are hard to forget, especially memories of how your husband has offended you, embarrassed you, hurt you. As you all know Dad has offended, embarrassed and hurt me, and of course I have done all those things to him as well (I will spare you the details). But what has happened in your marriage previously is not a prediction of what will happen in the future. It’s not too late and it isn’t too hard because with God all things are possible. He makes all things new if we simply allow Him to help us. You may think that you are both too set in your ways to change and have a good marriage but remember the only one you are responsible to change is yourself. Marriage is not about your happiness, but about you becoming more like Jesus. Then He will do the unexpected, as you trust Him for those quiet miracles.

There’s a song I sing every morning before I get out of bed – out of necessity – because I know I can’t do life on my own.

Lord, I offer my life to you

Everything I’ve been through, use it for your glory,

Lord, I offer my days to you, all of my praise to you

As a pleasing sacrifice, Lord I offer you my life.

What do I have that you have not given?

And what do I have that is not already yours?

You are the one who makes life worth living

And that’s why I come to you Lord.

~ Claire Cloninger

Love,

Mom

All Is Well

December 24, 2014 / Shari Baar / 3 Comments

December 22, 2014

Dear Daughters,

We are far away from all of you this year so I am taking time to remember all the years we were together, just you four daughters, Dad and I. After dinner during the Advent season we would always light a single candle or more and sing Christmas carols together. Even though there may have been misunderstandings, faulty communication and hurts during the day, the singing would somehow make things better, peaceful and good. How those memories have flooded over me this season.

Then came the memories years later when our family was growing – boyfriends, husbands, babies. One memorable Christmas Eve as we were all together there were hurtful words, tears, struggles to understand, brokenness and pain. That night was not what any of us had hoped for or could have predicted. The next morning, Christmas Day, you four girls were scheduled to sing during the worship service. As the evening wore on and we were waiting for understanding and forgiveness, one of the sons-in-law asked what song we were planning to sing. All Is Well was my reply. He said “I think The Old Rugged Cross would be more appropriate at this point.” Personally, I was ready to cancel Christmas altogether. After all the careful planning, meal preparation and hopes of a Silent Night, Holy Night, it had turned into a Painful Night, Tearful Night. I was in no mood to sing, and especially not All Is Well because all was certainly not well in our home that night. But in the midst of the sadness, the heartache that comes with our brokenness, God was there.

It was almost midnight when you girls and I walked over to the empty church building and practiced All Is Well. You sang, I accompanied on the piano and as we practiced, somewhat mechanically, I felt the Spirit of God hovering among us, silently, gently, almost imperceptibly. Hope grew in my heart – that relationships would be restored and love would continue. Exhausted, yet at peace we went home to sleep. The next morning dawned and we quietly gathered ourselves together. We worshiped in faith, still bruised and weary, but we worshiped and sang All Is Well.

Since that time I have pondered many times the fact that all is indeed well, always, whether life is peaceful or whether there is strain. The fact is, Immanuel, God is with us. He’s there in our hard times, he’s there in our joyful times. He never leaves us. He’s working to continually restore relationships and bring reconciliation to those who are willing to forgive.

A Hallmark Christmas ours was not that year, but we learned once again that Jesus came for us, came for families like ours who battle, disagree and hurt each other. He came so that we could be made new, so that we could learn to love and be faithful, so that we could learn to humble ourselves and forgive.

Now, many years later, we are in Idaho and again among families that have battle scars, yet still we sing. On these dark and cold advent nights we are practicing the same tradition with Grandpa and Grandma that we did with you girls so long ago. We light the candles and sing carols, a new tradition for them. Their voices quaver and are not quite as in tune as they used to be. When we go down the scale on Away in A Manger Grandpa goes up and we meet somewhere in the middle, but it is still peaceful and good.

All Is Well.

Love, Mom

Men and Metal

December 17, 2014 / Shari Baar / 1 Comment

Dear Daughters,

Have you noticed that many guys have a love relationship with their trucks or cars? Men are often attached to the metal in their lives that is dependable and comfortable. Michael Gurian, who has studied extensively about the brain differences between boys and girls describes the brain biology behind this love of vehicles. “There is a biological tendency for men to seek a set of care objects that allow for brain rest and the pleasure of independent relationship without the stimulation of emotional conversation. A car is, not surprisingly, an object of choice for many men.”

Gary Thomas tells how he bonded with his work truck one summer – it was dependable, comfortable and gave him brain rest. “A car takes me where I want to go without asking me how I’m feeling. A car lets me yell at other drivers without saying ‘why are you so upset?’ My car is absolutely clear about its needs. I know if the gas tank is full, half empty, or almost completely empty. My car would never respond to my inquiry about how much gas remained in its tank with the words ‘You should know without me having to tell you.’” In short, a car lets a man’s brain rest.

We too need to let our husbands rest. He will not always want to talk when you do You will need to be patient and wait for your husband to give more of himself to you. A good healthy marriage happens by degrees. That’s why God created marriage to last a lifetime.

This man of yours is complex – he probably hardly knows himself – and it will take years to find the mystery, the beauty, the delight of who he is, not who you want him to be. If you are patient, if you resist the urge to try to force him into intimacy things will go much better for you in the long run. Let him have times of silence, some times of being alone.

I continue to revel in the fact that God deliberately created male and female radically different and it causes me to stand in amazement of His good plan. I think He must delight in those who continue to seek to be faithful and understand even in the midst of misunderstandings and thinking I must have been crazy to have married this guy.

Don’t expect to understand him. The bottom line is that we don’t have to be able to understand our husbands before we can love them. There are some things about them that will never make any sense, and just maybe they’re thinking the same thing about us.

I have learned that when something – anything – annoys me, the real problem is my annoyance. I used to think that I needed to change what bothered me, but I have finally come to realize that the problem is simply that I allow myself to be bugged by something that is not all that important. It’s my attitude that needs changing, not the circumstance. King Solomon once wrote

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding

holds his tongue.

Try to learn to celebrate the mystery of your man. Be a woman of understanding – learn how and when to communicate in such a way that your husband can fully participate and feel loved and accepted in the process.

You know how IRA’s work, right? You don’t deposit a check this year and expect it to double by next year. The value accrues over time, over a very long time. Mature love is like that. In order to have a good marriage you must be patient and willing to wait for love to blossom and grow. You must invest years, decades, waiting on God, waiting on your man, letting God change you. It takes time to move past romance to true love, committed love, but it is worth every bit of effort you are willing to give.

After 33 years of marriage I feel like I am just starting to know who Dad is. Today he gave me the most wonderful card ever – it said

I’m a better man because of you

and it made me cry. I wish I would have known how to be more patient, more willing to give him his space. For many years I expected him to be like me, but after years of learning, reading, and living, I see that I should have been more celebrative of who he was, not always wanting someone who was different than him. I see now the rewards of what years of faithfulness, commitment, forgiving, and praying for my husband has reaped, and I am thankful!

Love, Mom

North Michigan Cantata

December 10, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

December 8, 2008

Dear Daughters,

Last Sunday night our community choir sang its annual Christmas cantata here at Prosper Church. It was beautiful and I must admit it was fabulous to be able to sing in the choir. It’s the first time ever that I haven’t either directed or played the piano for a cantata and it was quite wonderful to simply sing. Having strong men’s voices behind me was such a treat – the men at Prosper Church really love to sing, and many can read music!

The most memorable aspect of the evening, though, was watching Marjon in the front row. She and Carl had been home for just 2 days after spending ten days in the University of Michigan hospital, and she was exhausted. Carl, of course, was unable to attend the cantata, but there was Marjon. On each side of her were two of their daughters, Carla and Alexandra on one, Erin and Maria the other. During one of the songs Marjon started weeping, which caused the daughters (and me) to weep as well. For a few minutes I wasn’t able to sing, I had to look away and pull myself together so I could finish the cantata.

What I have been reminded about this week is that marriage is not just about falling in love, but about commitment ~ keeping promises. Watching Carl and Marjon during these past weeks has really shown me what true love is. Marjon has cared for, fought and cried for her husband. When Dad and I went to visit Carl at home, he told us about his concern for Marjon and the emotional toll it had taken on her. It is simply amazing to see the love they have for each other. They are outspoken about their trust in God and look to Him for daily strength as well as asking for healing, but more importantly that God’s will be done in the whole situation.

This story is much bigger than just Carl and Marjon, it is affecting many other people in the area. All of our marriages touch countless people. You may not know it but others are watching you. If they see you struggling in your marriage yet continue to be faithful and work through difficult times, it often gives them hope and encouragement to keep on being faithful in their own marriage.

Faithfulness in any situation is a rare thing and a bright light in our world today. When a husband and wife keep their wedding promises for months, years, and decades – people take notice. Our society has made it far too easy to break promises, but when you stay faithful to your vows even though it’s not easy, it gives others hope. We’ll never know the impact of our actions until we reach Heaven, but I know God is smiling when He sees faithfulness.

A few years ago I was flying home from Idaho and sitting next to a single guy. We did the usual chit-chat and then he, noticing my wedding ring, asked how long I had been married. When I replied “35 years” he was quite amazed. Then came his next question “What two words would you say helped you stay in a marriage that long?” After thinking a bit I said “Forgiveness and Promises.”

In light of seeing Carl and Marjon and their family’s love and promises kept, I thank you all my precious daughters for the love you have shown to Dad and I. We pray for you and your families every day. Even though our marriage has been through some tough times, I’m so glad that we kept our promises to each other, because we are now reaping the rewards of commitment that we promised so many years ago.

Love, Mom Joy2

The Male Mind

December 3, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Not long ago, some people argued that there were no innate differences between boys and girls, it was simply a matter of how they were raised. But the last 10 years of neuroscience has disproved this completely. Well before the baby even comes into the world, the brain of a male baby gets bombarded with up to 20 times more testosterone than a female baby. The female brain has much more oxytocin (the bonding, mothering hormone) than does a male. In other words men’s brains simply do not work like a woman’s, something we need to be aware of in order to communicate effectively with them.

Men’s brains also need to rest more than women’s, with the result that men tend to need mental naps more than women. At the end of the day men don’t want plot, story, or character development, they just want escape (buildings blowing up, cars crashing, tires squealing). On the other hand, women have 15 percent more blood flow in their brains, so they often tend to be able to process complex entertainment.

How I wish I would have known this 30 years ago. I could never understand Dad’s love of all the above escaping devices. I remember thinking “Why can’t he just be more like me?” (as if that would be the answer to all our problems) Gary Thomas says “Stop expecting him to act or think like a woman. He can’t do that.” We can’t expect our husbands to talk with us like our sisters, mother, or other female friends. And if we do, we’ll be terribly disappointed.

Give Him Time. Many neurological studies show that men may take up to seven hours longer than women to process complex emotional data. The reason is that men have a smaller hippocampus in the limbic system of the brain (which processes emotional experiences). Also, the bundle of nerves that connects the left and right portions of the brain – allowing the processing of emotions – is about 25 % smaller in men than in women. So………if you have a disagreement just after breakfast and you take about 15 minutes to understand why you feel so angry, remember that your husband may not get to that point until dinnertime! We usually don’t want to wait that long so we push for getting the emotions and feelings out right away, but we need to give him time.

There is a story about one woman who insisted on talking things out before she and her husband went to sleep. He wanted to have more time to think about what he was going to say, which she refused. Then he infuriated her even more by falling asleep in the middle of the conversation. I guess the bottom line is to remember that men are just not as efficient as woman in processing emotional data, and for us to be patient.

One helpful suggestion is to learn how to bring subjects up without attacking our husbands. Most men are willing to discuss something, given some advance warning, and without feeling like they are being blamed for something they did wrong, which brings us up to the next subject:

Stonewalling Stonewalling describes how men may shut down emotionally and verbally, ignoring you and basically withdrawing from the conversation. Most men don’t immediately like to talk through distressing emotional events (frustrations at work or other relationships) simply because it brings them pain. It can actually bring physical pain for them to talk through hurtful experiences.

Because of the way the female brain works, talking through emotional issues has a calming effect, while the opposite is true for most men. When we understand that a verbal barrage takes more out of your husband than it does out of you, and that it takes longer for him to recover from such an exchange, we may begin to realize that criticizing, complaining, and displaying contempt will not allow us to properly communicate with our man. A good reminder is Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath.

When a husband is constantly criticized, blamed or is treated harshly by a wife, it almost always causes him to shut down. Finally I am beginning to understand why Dad wouldn’t talk to me the way I wanted in our early years. I was not patient, kind or gentle. I wanted him to talk when I wanted to talk, which was usually immediately. Plus I thought my opinions were better than his when it came to emotional stuff, so I wanted him to listen and agree with me. So, naturally he would stonewall – often because of the manner in which I would approach problems.

After all these years I am learning to wait and pray for wisdom about when to bring up certain subjects. It may be days after a situation happened, and the amazing thing is that sometimes I don’t even need to broach certain topics. I find that when I lean on God more and seek His timing, the Holy Spirit does His work so my work is less.

Remember, we are to allow God to change us so that He can be free to do the work that needs to be done in our husbands.

Love, Mom

Tag: marriage (Page 4 of 6)

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