Tag: marriage (Page 5 of 6)

The Glory of Faithfulness

November 25, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I was having lunch recently with a friend of mine who was seriously contemplating divorce. Sarah said that she had changed a lot since she married and her husband had not, which in her mind gave her permission to divorce. She was not feeling fulfilled in life so was following her heart and leaving him.

Our culture glorifies selfishness and the popular idea to follow our hearts. Books and movies exalt our emotions and encourage us to allow romantic intensity to rule. Families often fall apart because we have lost our respect for responsibility. At the beginning of our romantic relationship, the intensity can enthrall us. In a sense we have become romantic gluttons. When the feelings aren’t there anymore many give up, thinking that if we don’t feel romantic all the time, love is over. Marriage is difficult, but once we choose that commitment, we need to take on the responsibilities that marriage requires.

It would be good for us, says author Gary Thomas, “to recapture the beauty of responsibility and the glory of faithfulness.” Responsible Wives doesn’t sound nearly as exciting as Desperate Housewives but the implication is profound. Sadly, our society sees actresses and supermodels as people to emulate, but their physical beauty often peaks in their twenties, while the beauty of a Godly, responsible woman grows more beautiful with each decade.

I remember when I was in my forties and all of you were in your teens and early twenties, feeling that I was becoming outdated and not needed much anymore. I became insecure because my outward beauty was beginning to fade. Then some tough relational issues came up in our family and I learned that I was needed – to provide encouragement, love, forgiveness and faithfulness. Since then the Lord has shown me that outer beauty is fleeting, and that as mature women our goal should be to grow more beautiful in our spirit. This beauty can only come from the Spirit of God as He teaches us to love. The best ever definition of love is:

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,

Always perseveres.

Love never fails. I Corinthians 13: 4-7

Our greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against us. But their sin never justifies our sin. Jesus tell us to love in the face of evil. I can still remember Grandpa telling me Kill them with kindness. It is a fact that kindness kills strife far more effectively than nagging, complaining, or disrespect. I have known that fact for years, but I am sad to say that I really didn’t start intentionally doing it until about 10 years ago. That’s one of the reasons I’ve starting writing these Musings to you. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I have made in the past. It seems so hard to be kind to someone who isn’t kind to us, but the interesting thing is that God never asks us to do anything that He hasn’t done himself. He forgave us, and showed us great kindness even when we didn’t deserve it. He loved us even when we didn’t love or obey Him, and since we have his Spirit within us we are able to do the same.

I am continually amazed to learn how relevant and practical the Bible is for married people. It’s not a live happily ever after book that pretends no one will ever hurt us. Instead it promises that we will be hurt and wronged, but also gives specific advice to help us respond responsibly. Even if the person who sins against me doesn’t change, I can change. It’s a win-win situation. If we respond out of spite, repaying evil for evil, two things happen – the situation gets worse, and we get bitter and more resentful. But if we repay good for evil, we will grow more responsible, loving, kind and beautiful. The amazing result of following Jesus’ commands is that God can mature you in an unhealthy marriage as well as a healthy marriage.

Gary Thomas has counseled many people, and he says that every divorced person has encouraged him to urge others to spend at least the same amount of time and effort trying to save the marriage as they’ll have to spend coping with the pain, heartache and financial cost of a split.

If we decide to bless our husbands, we will be blessed. Just as IRAs take decades of investing small amounts to produce a good retirement package, so a marriage grows slowly over decades, becoming more beautiful and reaping the benefits of lifelong responsibility and commitment.

If we truly want to influence our husbands, then we need to work hard to become responsible wives. The words “Responsible Wife” may not sound very sexy, and I’m certain that TV producers certainly will not ever film a prime-time TV drama using that phrase, but the concept is important, powerful and life-giving.

Love, Mom

The Helper

November 12, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

God made it quite evident during Creation that He had a purpose in mind when He created Eve – “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Gen. 2:18) This is the reason God created woman – to be a helper to her husband. Some women find this to be demeaning, but if that is the case, does the Bible demean God when it describes Him as our helper? I was surprised to read the following verses describing God: The Lord is your shield and helper (Deut. 33:29) The Lord is with me; he is my helper (Psalm 118:7). As Gary Thomas in Sacred Influence points out, Genesis pictures a man created with an acute vulnerability. He is clearly not self-sufficient; he needs someone to come alongside him. Adam, and every man after him is “made for fellowship, not power; he will not live until he loves, giving himself away to another on his own level.”

So, being our husband’s helper is our high calling. It assumes, in one sense, that we have something that the person we are helping lacks. When we entered into marriage, we agreed to forsake our “me-first,” single-orientated worldview and build a couple. Helping takes on different forms in every marriage, but it always serves the other person’s good.

On a side note, we were created to be our man’s helper – not our children’s mother. Certainly we are to care for and nurture our children, but that love is always supposed to flow out of a lifestyle that is first and foremost committed to helping our husbands. I must say that when Dad and I first started having children, caring for them became my main focus, but it shouldn’t have. Many of our conflicts arose because I did not include dad in the child-rearing part of our marriage. I just thought I could handle it all myself – which oftentimes left dad out in the cold. Thankfully, God gradually turned that around, and I was able to put things in their proper place – which made for a much better marriage and family life.

The next section of the chapter entitled “The Helper” deals with submission, which in today’s world can evoke many negative responses. But in Ephesians, Paul writes that all of us are to “submit to each other out of reverence for Christ.” The wife’s submission to her husband gets placed in the context in which a husband is called to be like Christ – laying down his life for his wife, loving her, serving her, just like Christ loved us enough to die for us.

It is interesting that Jesus submitted to his parents. Here he was, the Creator of the universe, submitting to two human creatures, not because they were somehow more worthy than he, but because this is what his heavenly Father asked of him. So, submission is not determined by the worthiness of the other person, but out of reverence for Christ. We can assume that we will have to watch our husbands fail and make mistakes. And when they do fail, that is when they need our encouragement the most, not our criticisms.

The famous feminist, Laura Doyle, shocked some of her peers in 1999 when she released The Surrendered Wife. In her book, Laura admitted that she was unhappy in her marriage, so she talked to some other men and asked what they wanted in their wives. Then she started putting into practice what these other men had told her. She stopped nagging, cut out the complaints and criticisms, and started letting him lead in important decisions. When she treated him that way, he became a “fabulous” husband. I found the same thing when I first realized that I had been trying to change Dad all those years. When I simply started praying for him, stop the criticisms, and started encouraging, he became a much better husband, and I became a much happier wife. It’s when we give ourselves in sacrificial love that we become more spiritually mature. When we put our husband’s needs before our own, this is truly when we become fulfilled. It’s the opposite of what the world teaches, but then again, isn’t everything in the Bible opposite of what the world teaches?

The last question of the chapter challenges us that if we really want to move our man to become the best he can be, begin every day by praying this prayer: “Lord, how can I help my husband today?”

Love, Mom

Loving a Wounded Man

November 3, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There was once a family pet toy poodle that loved to chase cars. One afternoon she finally caught one and got injured. Her owner ran out to the road to retrieve the dog, and that little poodle became a monster. Frenzied with fear and pain, the dog kept biting her owner as he gathered her into his arms. He had tried to help her, to bring her healing, but the pain so overwhelmed her that she bit the hands that were trying to nurture her.

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence, tells this story because our husbands can be like that. Every man has been wounded in some way – maybe you married a deeply wounded man. Sometimes hurting men bite, and sometimes they bite the very hands that are trying to bring healing. But we need to patiently pray for long-term change – nurturing him instead of resenting and condemning him. We need to think of marriage as a marathon, not as a 100-yard dash. Human beings are complex and it takes time for trust to be earned.

Give your husband the benefit of the doubt.

It’s so easy to stew over our husband’s relational shortcomings – “why won’t he talk to me, why doesn’t he seem to care?” But the fact may be that he is simply incompetent – he just honestly doesn’t know what you need, or what he’s supposed to do.

There is a myth out there that if your husband really loves you, he’ll be able to read your mind and know exactly what to do to please you. But the fact is that we need to be direct in our speaking, in what we need (not just want). Love is a commitment and a choice – not telepathy.

Respect the position even when you disagree with the person.

God calls wives to respect their husbands (Eph. 5:33) It doesn’t say for wives to respect perfect husbands, or even great husbands, it simply says to respect your husband. That’s been a big problem for me. I’ve always thought that my opinion was the best opinion, and if Dad didn’t agree – well, the conversation was over. I think I felt like he was rejecting me as a person when he didn’t agree with me, but I had to learn that he still loved me, he just didn’t agree with every opinion I had. I needed to learn to respect him and his opinion even when it was different than mine.

Give him the same grace that God gives you.

Because Jesus Christ has given us forgiveness and grace, He wants us to give the same to our husbands. It takes great spiritual maturity to offer grace, love, and mercy – giving the same benefits that we ourselves have received from God our Father. Think back and remember how much God has done for you – he’s seen every wicked act you’ve ever committed, heard every bit of gossip you have passed on, noticed every ugly hateful thought you have had – and yet He still loves you. And now comes the hard part – will we give our husbands what God has given us?

Form your heart through prayer.

Practice praying positive prayers for your husband. Find several things that he does really well and start thanking God for them. Prayers of thankfulness literally form our soul. One session of thankfulness is not nearly enough, it has to be done every day – steady and persistent.

Drop unrealistic expectations.

Your husband will not meet all your needs, only your Creator can do that. Ruth Graham (Billy’s wife) said it this way. “I pity the married couple who expect too much from one another. It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her what only Jesus Christ can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding…tender and loving, anticipating every need. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain.”

Whew! Lots of good things to do, but the most important of all is

Forming your heart through prayer.

We simply cannot love without God’s help, and we can’t change overnight. God will give you the grace to do what he wants you to do today. And then there will be a fresh batch of grace for you tomorrow. Every day I pray for all of you my daughters, that your marriages will grow in love and trust more and more as we continue to learn how to love as Jesus loves.

Love, Mom

Boxes, Bins, Barrels and Totes

October 28, 2014 / Shari Baar / 1 Comment

October 27, 2014

Dear Daughters,

Once again I am in the middle of stacks, piles, decisions, and emotions. Stacks of things to be thrown out or given away, piles of memories to be sorted through, decisions of what goes where, and emotions which are scattered all across the landscape.

After living for 27 years in the beautiful state of Michigan, enjoying being near you and all your families, we are leaving to return to Idaho, as you know. Though we are growing old, Grandpa and Grandma, both in their eighth decade, are growing older, and needing us to help care for them.

So we leave, with heavy hearts, joy-filled hearts, broken hearts and hearts full of anticipation to what God has in store for us. Having only been caretakers for our children and grandchildren at the beginning of their lives, caring for parents near the culmination of their lives will be a new adventure.

Dad and I have been reading through the book The Spirituality of Caregiving by Henri Nouwen during the past week. The opening thought of the book took me by surprise. The word care finds its root in the word kara which means “to lament, to mourn, to participate in suffering, to share in pain.” Even though we have done all those things at various times and in countless ways with many of our family and loved ones in our lives already, this chapter will be totally different.

I am reminded of the beauty of faithfulness, especially in marriage, as we prepare to move. Though Dad and I have had struggles in our marriage we fought for love, for understanding and for grace – a battle not easily won, but so worth the fight. Because we have learned to care for each other our bonds have become strong, so we will be able to be a united front in caring for my parents, whose bonds have also become stronger over their 64 years together. They too have been through hardships – the death of a son, physical limitations, and the everyday strains and pulls of life.

God only knows how long any of our lives will be, but as we continue learning to forgive, sharing in each other’s pain, trusting God to teach us His ways, we will become faithful as He is faithful. We, as a family, have actually been caregivers, according to the definition above. We have suffered with, we have lamented, we have mourned each other’s losses, we have shared our pain as a family. So we have all learned to care. I thank all of you for allowing us to lament, grieve, rejoice and share your pain. We will continue to do so, yet now it will be from a distance.

As we prepare to leave we grieve, we mourn, we question why. This weekend, as we spent our last time together as a family for many months, it was so hard. It was wonderful to be with you all, to watch the little ones play, the older ones becoming so grown-up, the teasing, laughter and celebration with food. But then came the good-byes….. for now. My heart was breaking, tears streaming down our faces and I wondered “Are we doing the right thing?” For many years I thought that doing the right thing would feel good. But I have had to learn that doing right sometimes hurts. Jesus obeyed his Father perfectly and it hurt him. Can I expect any less?

God is good and His will is that we live responsibly today and trust Him for tomorrow. It’s hard, it hurts, but I know it’s the only way that will bring joy. So, my dear daughters,

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back

The sun shine warm upon your face

The wind blow soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

(The Old Irish Blessing)

Love, Mom

Making One Thing New

October 16, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Several decades ago, Aunt Val gave me a cutting board she had made in high school woodshop. She had carefully cut out thin strips of various kinds of wood, glued them together, varnished them and proudly given it to me on my birthday. I have chopped countless vegetables, fruits, nuts, and meats on that faithful board, but there came a time when I started using thin plastic cutting boards for ease of cleaning and storing.

One day Dad found that well-worn cutting board in the pile going to Goodwill and took it out because he had an idea of making it into something new. As you know, I have been annoyed in past years when Dad wants to save things I would rather throw out or give away. I’m sure I made some snide remark when he told me he was going to save it for a project because, of course, we all know about his black hole of unfinished projects in the basement. What goes in never comes out. I quickly dismissed the incident from my mind.

Several months later he showed me his completed project. From that worn out, cut up, beat up board he had made a beautiful table for my plants. I was quite impressed. Over the years that board had become so ugly, splinters coming off the edges, dull and useless (so I thought) but now it was transformed into a striking piece of art.

For over ten years now it has faithfully held my favorite green ivy plant, curling and twisting around. About the same time I put the ivy on this plant stand someone gave me a little decorative tile to stick in the dirt. I really didn’t look at the words imprinted on the decorative stick, I just put it in the dirt because I liked the colors. Recently though, I looked at that transformed cutting board and the words on the stick.

“I make all things new.”

Revelation 21:5

I will admit, sometimes I am a very slow learner. It takes years after I learn something intellectually to make it a habit in my life. Looking at the previously battered cutting board now transformed into a new thing along with the scripture in the ivy, I finally realized that this is precisely what’s happening in me and my family. I used to be ungrateful, critical, quick to find fault with people. But through many years and God’s faithful chiseling on my personality I am learning to become grateful for the good gifts He gives me every day. I have learned to encourage and build up instead of criticize and tear down. I search out the good in people instead of focusing on the annoying traits. Of course I still stumble and fall, but I feel like I am continually becoming a new person.

All throughout the Bible, from beginning to end, in story after story, God is making all things new. Look at Joseph, the self-centered, arrogant teenager bragging to his brothers about the dreams he’s dreamed. God didn’t just say, Now you shape up, get humble and quit bragging about those dreams. Instead, God allowed circumstances in his life to humble him. Tough circumstances like sitting in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Suffering worked humility into him, so well that he was able to forgive his brothers for the evil they showed toward him.

And then there’s Moses. As the young Prince of Egypt, he was ready to help his fellow Israelites escape their cruel slave masters by murdering one of them. Again, God didn’t just give him a stern talking to, telling him to change. He provided 40 years as a shepherd on the back side of a desert in order to humble and chisel him into someone who would become a fearless leader.

This is God’s way. He is never in a hurry, but patiently, consistently and gently provides life for us, bringing us to the end of ourselves and opening our eyes to our need for Him. Every day is a new day, as he is molding us to be more like Him. He molds us into His gracious personality. And the really cool thing is when just one person starts submitting, it becomes infectious to others in the vicinity.

Of course, marriage is a major chiseling tool for God to bring changes into our personality. For a time I felt like Dad’s and my relationship had become battered, worn and dull. But when I invited God to help me love, teach me to respect, and speak the language of peace and forgiveness, He began to make our marriage new. So………even if you feel like your marriage is beat up, full of slivers, and just plain worn out – never fear. God makes all things new, as long as you let Him have His way with you.

Accept with an open hand whatever comes your way, trusting your Heavenly Father to have the love and wisdom to mold you into his likeness.

Love, Mom

Searching for Good

October 14, 2014 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There is an interesting story told about the time Bobby Kennedy became the U.S. attorney general. The leaders of the civil rights movement despaired because they knew Bobby was not the least bit interested in the movement. At a meeting with Martin Luther King, Jr. everyone was moaning and groaning about Kennedy – no one had anything good to say about the man. Finally Dr. King slammed down his hand and ordered everyone to stop complaining. He said, “Well, then let’s call this meeting to a close. We will re-adjourn when somebody has found something good to say about Bobby Kennedy because that, my friends, is the door through which our movement will pass.”

King’s plan worked. They discovered that Bobby was close to his Bishop, and they worked through the Bishop so effectively that the same leader who could find nothing good to say about Bobby later said, “There was no greater friend to the civil rights movement than Bobby Kennedy.”

Their greatest nightmare turned into their magnificent dream. That’s what we need to do with our husbands as well. There are some days that we think there is nothing good to say about them, but if we can identify one or two strengths and build on them, we will find the road for moving forward in our marriage.

All of us have married men with unique backgrounds and gifts, created by God just for us. I remember complaining about Dad one day to a friend. She listened for a while then wisely said, “Larry is the exact size, shape, and color that God chose for you.” I was speechless because it certainly didn’t feel like that was true. Since then I have learned that God, in His infinite wisdom, has put two people together so He can show His strength in our weaknesses by teaching us how to love our husbands exactly as they are right now. We are not to minimize their weaknesses, but simply make the daily choice of focusing on qualities for which we are thankful. There will come a time when we can address the weaknesses, but for now there needs to be a firm foundation of love and encouragement.

You have probably all heard the statement “The definition for insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” Sadly, that’s what I did for years. I criticized Dad, poked fun at his weaknesses and then expected him to change. Instead of influencing change I simply squelched his desire to be known. Now that I am finally loving Dad for who he is – not what I want him to be – we are enjoying a much richer marriage.

Philippians 4:8 is as relevant for marriage as it is for life:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

It’s amazing how powerful our thoughts are. Anything that comes out of our mouths has to first be thought in our minds. I used to rehearse many annoying traits of Dad in my mind, and then of course negative words followed. I am now learning to actively, on purpose, think about the many good things he does as well as the faithful and caring man that he has become. It has taken discipline and time, but now positive words are coming out of my mouth. Words of affirmation, words of grace, words of thanksgiving.

Affirming your husband’s strengths will likely reinforce and build up those areas you cherish and motivate him to pursue excellence of character. Guys rise to praise, they love how it feels when we respect them, and will live up to how they are treated.

In order to make this a realistic goal we have to keep in mind that no man is thoughtful and caring all the time. We have to give them room to have bad days, off days. God only knows we all have bad and off days as well. Give your man some grace, God gives it to you every single day.

Love, Mom

A Man’s Deepest Thirst

October 7, 2014 / Shari Baar / 5 Comments

Dear Daughters,

There is a story of a woman and her son living in the midst of a famine. She was planning to bake the last loaf of bread out of the last bit of flour and oil that she had, then starve to death along with her son. About that time the prophet Elijah appeared, assured her that if she shared her last loaf of bread with him, her jug of oil and jar of flour would never run dry. She believed him and sure enough it was true. For several months she had enough flour and oil to make bread.

Then one day her son became seriously ill and died. The widow became furious with Elijah and blamed him for the death of her son. Elijah went to the boy’s room and raised him from the dead. Suddenly joy returned to the widow and she said loudly “Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the Lord is true.” For months she had witnessed a miracle happening daily, but it was only when her son was raised from the dead that she finally, truly appreciated him.

This same scenario continues to happen in many marriages today. Many of us view our husbands in the same way. The good things that they do become commonplace and we no longer appreciate them. But when one weakness rears up, all the good things get blotted from memory.

On the first anniversary of the 9/11 attacks some interviews were taken with women who had been widowed on that tragic day. The first question asked was “What has changed about your perspective in the past year?” The first widow to speak said, “The thing I can’t stand is when I hear wives complain about their husbands. It would make my day if I walked into the bathroom and the toilet seat was left up.” There are a lot of annoying trivial things that we major on instead of focusing on the good that our husbands do. We need to focus on what our husbands have done instead of only what they haven’t done.

James 3:2 says

We all stumble in many ways.

It’s not just our husbands who stumble – we all stumble in many ways. We will always have disappointments with our men simply because they aren’t perfect. There was only one perfect man who walked this earth, and he never married. I know I had a prince charming in mind when looking for my husband, and of course I didn’t get him because there is no such thing. When you marry, you’re going to be sinned against, you’re going to be frustrated, and you’re going to be disappointed. That’s just real life. But if we want to influence our guys we need to appreciate them from our heart.

A few years ago I saw the movie Fireproof and there was a line in there that really struck me. Caleb, the fireman, had just saved a little girl’s life and was hailed as a hero on the news. But he told a friend, “I’m a hero to everyone but my wife.” His wife could only see his flaws. In his work, people appreciated him, even lauded him as a champion. But at home his wife saw him as a dud. Every guy wants to feel noticed, special and appreciated. That puts him in a “moldable” mood. When he feels taken for granted, a mere suggestion of change will bring defensiveness and resentment.

I have a friend who is going through an dreadful divorce. The first time she told me about it she made it clear over several hours that the divorce was totally his fault. I simply listened. But about a month later we talked again and the other side of the story came out. She had recently read the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, was deeply convicted for how she had treated her husband, and was finally beginning to understand part of the reason he left. She told me her story with tears of regret, and how sorry she was now for how she had not respected him during the past 20 years. Of course, there was mutual disrespect in the marriage, which creates the perfect storm for broken vows.

Rule #1 for influencing your husband is simply this:

Stop taking your husband for granted.

For some guys this might be such a surprise that they may react with disbelief or even sarcasm when you start respecting them. But deep down it’s what a man craves – acceptance, gratitude and encouragement.

If a guy doesn’t receive respect, he will probably never change. In fact, if you sense that your husband is discouraged, passive, or seems to have an “escapist” mentality, you may be looking at a man who doesn’t feel loved, or respected. He’s simply coping, passing time – not truly living.

I have seen such good changes in Dad since I started intentionally loving, encouraging, and respecting him. We have the best talks, and more open sharing now than we have ever had. My only regret is that I didn’t start treating him with more respect 20 years ago so you girls could have had a better role model. But I will simply be thankful that I did learn it, and started practicing the fine art of loving now instead of never.

Love, Mom

Photo by Michelle Bogda

Deserving Success

September 30, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

John Adams wrote a letter to his wife, Abigail, during the Revolutionary War. Part of that letter reads: “We can’t guarantee success in this war, but we can do something better. We can deserve it.” He basically said “How the war turns out is in the hands of God. We can’t control that, but we can control how we behave. We can deserve success.”

The same principle is true in marriage – How things turn out is not in our power, and we definitely cannot control another person, but we can act in such a way that is honorable, and then trust God to do the changing. It’s an interesting concept to think about, but perhaps your husband’s faults are the very tools that God is using to change you. All those things about your husband that annoy you may be God’s way of teaching you to become more patient, longsuffering and kind. In other words, your marriage makeover might begin with you!

In our early years of marriage I was disappointed. I couldn’t understand why Dad didn’t do more to make me happy. In my “happily ever after” mind I thought it was all about me and my happiness. With a mindset like that it didn’t take long to become discontented, and I thought more than once that I must have made a mistake in my choice for a husband.

It seems counter-intuitive that we should start the improvement by changing ourselves because, of course, it’s always the other person who needs to change. But think about it, if your husband changed solely because of your efforts and manipulation it would be easy to become proud and arrogant. When you demand that someone change for your pleasure, you’re trying to bend a person to meet your needs, make you comfortable and bring you happiness.

If you remember the Fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness…) you will recall that the last one listed is self-control. It’s not child-control or husband-control, but self-control. The only person you can do anything about is you.

God doesn’t require perfection in our behavior, but he does hope to see progress. In five years we should be wiser, stronger, and more mature in character than we are now. Jesus wants us to be a reflection of himself. He’s into character building – that’s His specialty. But guess how He builds character? By allowing difficult times to come into our lives so that we can learn to persevere. Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence asks the question “How is God using your marriage to teach you how to love?” God has us face many issues that may terrify us and make us feel completely inadequate so that we depend on His strength, His wisdom, and His love to be able to persevere through the trials and become a stronger, more loving person because of it.

I used to be annoyed by Romans 5:3-5,

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us.

Rejoice in my sufferings? Yeah, that’s not my gut reaction when hardship comes my way, but I’m slowly learning to recognize the tough times for what they are – God’s tools to make me stronger and more loving. Mother Teresa has another way of saying this: “I never call difficulties ‘problems.’ I always say ‘gift of God’ because it is always much easier to take a gift than to take a problem.”

As I’ve said before, our marriage is better now than it has ever been. But it is only that way because we have both persevered through the hard times, and now we can rejoice in the good times. The good news is that God is involved in our lives. He knew, even before we were born, who our husband would be, and He is not at all surprised by the challenges that we face. He will never leave you, nor forsake you, no matter hard life gets.

I just read the other day that life is 10% circumstances, and 90% our attitude toward those circumstances. That puts a lot of responsibility on us! But with God’s help, we can become the women he wants us to be. And that in turn will influence our husbands to be the best they can be.

Love, Mom

Grandma’s Music

September 23, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

My trip to Idaho a few months ago was good but hard. It was wonderful to be with Grandpa and Grandma for a week, and yet difficult to see them struggle with their bodies that don’t work like they used to. Grandma speaks the truth when she says “My forgetter is getting better.” My nickname became “Lifesaver Shari” because when she lost things I found them! When I made meals for them they would both comment that I make it look so easy. Many chores that used to be every day and normal for them have now become overwhelming.

The second morning I was at their home I came out of my bedroom as Grandma was walking by. She looked at me and said with a surprised look on her face “Oh, I didn’t know you were here!” But I quickly assured her that I had been there for a day or so and she was fine with that. I have become her mother, and she my young child. She is so quick to ask if she can help with lunch or dinner and is eager to do whatever I ask. I felt both honored to be able to assist them, yet found it difficult to navigate my new role.

In the midst of all that, an amazing thing happened on that second day at their home. I asked Grandma if she would play some songs on the piano. At first she didn’t want to, but I told her I really wanted to hear someone else play besides me. So I got out the hymnbook, turned to the table of contents and starting in the A’s looked to see which songs she would know. Because her sight is so poor she is unable to read music anymore, but because she has everything memorized it wasn’t necessary for her to read at all, just think and play. So I said, Abide with Me. She thought for about 5 seconds and played it perfectly. Amazing Grace. Again, 5 seconds of thought and another beautiful rendition, complete with modulations into other keys. After she had played about 5 songs that I had asked for she suddenly transitioned smoothly into It is No Secret without my asking. Then I said Because He Lives, which she played flawlessly, then came back again to It is No Secret. Then all of sudden a rollicking version of You Are My Sunshine. Then …Secret again. A few more songs of my request, and then Have Thine Own Way, Lord.

For the next 45 minutes or so she would continue to intersperse those three songs (It Is No Secret, You Are My Sunshine, Have Thine Own Way) in between the many other songs that I requested. She repeated no other songs, just those three. So I figured God wanted me to sit down and think on those songs for a bit.

Because of our living in the times that we do, these three songs were exactly what I needed to hear. God has always provided for us in the past, and I have no doubt that He will continue in the future. We just don’t know what that future is….yet.

I found it so amazing that Grandma, although she was not able to remember my answer to a question she had asked one minute earlier, could minister to me through her playing of songs that she loved and were embedded in her mind and heart for decades. It was probably my most memorable time in Idaho this year.

One more little tidbit ~ when we were driving to Washington that week I would look in the backseat once in a while and often see Grandpa and Grandma holding hands. Then once she started singing You are My Sunshine, and she said to my sister Rhonda and me “Your dad’s a keeper!” After being married 64 years that was like music to my ears.

Love, Mom

In case you don’t know the words to those three songs, I’ve printed them below – some I haven’t heard for decades.

It Is No Secret

The chimes of time ring out the news

Another day is through

Someone slipped and fell

Was that someone you?

You may have longed for added strength

Your courage to renew

Do not be disheartened

I have news for you.

It is no secret what God can do

What he has done for others

He’ll do for you

With arms wide open

He’ll pardon you

It is no secret what God can do.

There is no night, for in His light

You’ll never walk alone

You’ll always feel at home wherever you may roam.

There is no power can conquer you

.While God is on your side

Take Him at His promise

Don’t run away and hide.

You Are My Sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happy when skies are gray

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away.

Have Thine Own Way, Lord

Have thine own way, Lord, have thine own way.

Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.

Mold me and make me after Thy will

While I am waiting, yielded and still.

Have thine own way, Lord, have thine own way

Search me and try me, Master today!

Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now.

As in Thy presence humbly I bow.

Have thine own way, Lord, have thine own way.

Wounded and weary, help me I pray.

Power all power, surely is Thine

Touch me and heal me, Savior divine.

Have thine own way, Lord, have thine own way.

Hold o’er my being absolute sway!

Fill with Thy Spirit till all shall see

Christ only, always, living in me!

Building Character

September 16, 2014 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Do you remember reading the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon many years ago that showed seven-year-old Calvin being annoyed at hardships in his life and his father grimly saying “it builds character”? At the time I thought it was just a funny joke. But I was intrigued while reading a book by Neil Anderson about ten years ago. He writes that the number one thing God is after in our lives is developing our character. By character I mean things like love, joy, peace patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Of course one the best ways to develop character is to live in a committed relationship with the man you married.

I love the last sentence in Chapter 2 of Sacred Influence. Gary Thomas writes, “It’s my firm belief that the current challenges in your marriage may well be God’s vehicle for you to become the strong woman he created you to be.” As I look back through the years, sometimes thinking that I may have married the wrong man, I see now God’s perfect plan in our marriage – Dad and I both needed changes in our character that could only happen by being married to each other.

Our marriage really started improving by leaps and bounds when I got sick back in January 2003. I was forced to “lie in green pastures” (the couch) and see myself for who I really was. And let me tell you it wasn’t a pretty picture. As I lay there on the couch, my eyes were opened to how ungrateful I had been. Dad often had many good ideas about different things, but because they came from him I would always find something to criticize.

I wince when I think of the years that I did not encourage, but instead found fault. Looking back, I always found it easy to encourage my piano and choir students and you, my daughters, but my harshest criticisms were always saved for Dad. I just thought it was my job to be honest with him, telling him what I thought was wrong with him, instead of building him up and thanking him for all the little things he would do for me. I have since confessed my sin to Dad and he has so graciously forgiven me. I know I have hurt him in many ways over the years which made his forgiveness even more amazing.

Another thing I learned while reading during those hours of lying on the couch, was the fact that Satan’s greatest strategy is to destroy marriages. It’s not my husband who I am fighting against, it’s Satan whispering words of disdain, of how inadequate my man is, enlarging his faults and diminishing his good traits. It was then that I truly started to understand the verse “For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12)

I finally decided to begin partnering with Jesus Christ to be an agent of reconciliation instead of division. I am not trying to get myself off the hook because I was very guilty of saying some rude stuff, but at least now I know who was behind it all. I have learned that I can choose my attitude, and I have decided to dispense grace. Let me tell you, since then I still have temptations to go back to my old ways, but every day it is getting easier and more natural to affirm and love. Love is a choice that I have to make every day of my life, but the best choice possible in order to have a good marriage.

Love, Mom

Tag: marriage (Page 5 of 6)

The Glory of Faithfulness

The Helper

Loving a Wounded Man

Boxes, Bins, Barrels and Totes

Making One Thing New

Searching for Good

A Man’s Deepest Thirst

Deserving Success

Grandma’s Music

Building Character

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