Dear Daughters,
So…I have a little more to share about the waffle and spaghetti comparison. In my last post I revealed that guys have little boxes in their heads and it is best for us women to stay in one box at a time and try not to confuse them by expecting them to do mental gymnastics as we so fluidly talk in our spaghetti noodles while they are stuck in their waffle box. Yes, I know it’s a challenge but it is possible.
Well, apparently men have some boxes that are completely wordless. I know it’s hard for you and I to imagine but it is true. Some of their boxes are completely EMPTY of words and thoughts.
I have experienced this before when I have seen Dad sitting and staring. In the past I’ve asked him what he is thinking, and he has said Nothing. I never believed him, suspiciously thinking that he was hiding something he was afraid to talk about. I must say I was quite surprised when I read Bill Ferrell’s words that it is indeed true that men actually have boxes containing no words. I still can hardly comprehend such a phenomenon is possible but I will hopefully, going forward, believe him and let him sit in that box when he needs to. I have spent way too much time in my life wanting him to be like me and talking about many subjects, often jumping from one to another.
Then, of course, there is one box that is the largest of all and right in the center of their waffle. It is the box they prefer to spend lots of time in and I imagine you can guess the subject of that box. Yep, it’s the sex box. It is obvious that the sex box is connected to all the other boxes that surround it, which makes it easy for him to jump into the sex box at any time and from most any subject. It’s not that sex is always on his mind, just most of the time. But to be fair, God hardwired men that way.
All married women know that men typically have much higher sex drives than we do. It has been said that women warm up slowly like a crock pot, men like a microwave. We will be much more interested in sex if we feel emotionally connected, and even then it will take time and patience for us to be ready. There will obviously be no desire if we are frustrated and angry with our man, but a guy is ready at a moment’s notice, night or day.
I remember wasting years wondering why Dad was not more like me in all ways – in verbal communication, in sexual appetite, food choices, humor, – you name it we were opposites. I obviously had never read a book on marriage before I was married, I just assumed that since we were both Christians it would be easy.
Big mistake.
I had no idea that God intended the mystery of marriage to be that of complement, compromise, and counterpart. He meant for marriage to be a lifetime of learning, of forgiving, of adventure. We humans are so complex, we don’t even know ourselves well, so how do we expect to be able to jump into an exclusive relationship with a man, expecting ease?
But now, back to the other boxes. As you remember, each box in a man’s brain contains only one subject. So when they bring up a subject they want to stick with it until they feel like that subject is finished. For men, each box is a problem to be solved so when you open one box there is one problem to solve. When you open the second box, there are two problems. When you open a third, there is a third problem, and it keeps on adding up. When we open up too many boxes so quickly a man often gets overwhelmed and either shuts down or gets angry. He may feel that he just can’t keep up so he will bail out of the conversation completely, walking away or clamming up.
When Dad brings up a subject I often find myself swiftly jumping in and adding my opinion to the idea at hand even though he hasn’t asked for it. Sometimes I may link that opinion with something else that jumps into my mind. Then I wondered why he quit talking. I now know that he probably gives up and goes to find one of those empty boxes to sit in awhile.
I’m not sure why I tend to listen better to people outside my family, definitely something I need to work on. I know I hate listening to talking heads on TV that jump into another’s statement before the end of their sentence, yet at times I do it to my own husband. Lord, help me.
I need to remember I am not Dad’s counselor, I cannot fix him, and maybe I won’t even be able to understand him. But I can accept him just as he is instead of foolishly trying to make him like me. I can listen to him and encourage him to talk, letting him stay in one box for as long as he needs to be there.
It definitely takes discipline for me and I suspect that it may for you too.
Love, Mom
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