Dear Daughters,
I was having lunch recently with a friend of mine who was seriously contemplating divorce. Sarah said that she had changed a lot since she married and her husband had not, which in her mind gave her permission to divorce. She was not feeling fulfilled in life so was following her heart and leaving him.
Our culture glorifies selfishness and the popular idea to follow our hearts. Books and movies exalt our emotions and encourage us to allow romantic intensity to rule. Families often fall apart because we have lost our respect for responsibility. At the beginning of our romantic relationship, the intensity can enthrall us. In a sense we have become romantic gluttons. When the feelings aren’t there anymore many give up, thinking that if we don’t feel romantic all the time, love is over. Marriage is difficult, but once we choose that commitment, we need to take on the responsibilities that marriage requires.
It would be good for us, says author Gary Thomas, “to recapture the beauty of responsibility and the glory of faithfulness.” Responsible Wives doesn’t sound nearly as exciting as Desperate Housewives but the implication is profound. Sadly, our society sees actresses and supermodels as people to emulate, but their physical beauty often peaks in their twenties, while the beauty of a Godly, responsible woman grows more beautiful with each decade.
I remember when I was in my forties and all of you were in your teens and early twenties, feeling that I was becoming outdated and not needed much anymore. I became insecure because my outward beauty was beginning to fade. Then some tough relational issues came up in our family and I learned that I was needed – to provide encouragement, love, forgiveness and faithfulness. Since then the Lord has shown me that outer beauty is fleeting, and that as mature women our goal should be to grow more beautiful in our spirit. This beauty can only come from the Spirit of God as He teaches us to love. The best ever definition of love is:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
Always perseveres.
Love never fails. I Corinthians 13: 4-7
Our greatest temptation to sin is when someone first sins against us. But their sin never justifies our sin. Jesus tell us to love in the face of evil. I can still remember Grandpa telling me Kill them with kindness. It is a fact that kindness kills strife far more effectively than nagging, complaining, or disrespect. I have known that fact for years, but I am sad to say that I really didn’t start intentionally doing it until about 10 years ago. That’s one of the reasons I’ve starting writing these Musings to you. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I have made in the past. It seems so hard to be kind to someone who isn’t kind to us, but the interesting thing is that God never asks us to do anything that He hasn’t done himself. He forgave us, and showed us great kindness even when we didn’t deserve it. He loved us even when we didn’t love or obey Him, and since we have his Spirit within us we are able to do the same.
I am continually amazed to learn how relevant and practical the Bible is for married people. It’s not a live happily ever after book that pretends no one will ever hurt us. Instead it promises that we will be hurt and wronged, but also gives specific advice to help us respond responsibly. Even if the person who sins against me doesn’t change, I can change. It’s a win-win situation. If we respond out of spite, repaying evil for evil, two things happen – the situation gets worse, and we get bitter and more resentful. But if we repay good for evil, we will grow more responsible, loving, kind and beautiful. The amazing result of following Jesus’ commands is that God can mature you in an unhealthy marriage as well as a healthy marriage.
Gary Thomas has counseled many people, and he says that every divorced person has encouraged him to urge others to spend at least the same amount of time and effort trying to save the marriage as they’ll have to spend coping with the pain, heartache and financial cost of a split.
If we decide to bless our husbands, we will be blessed. Just as IRAs take decades of investing small amounts to produce a good retirement package, so a marriage grows slowly over decades, becoming more beautiful and reaping the benefits of lifelong responsibility and commitment.
If we truly want to influence our husbands, then we need to work hard to become responsible wives. The words “Responsible Wife” may not sound very sexy, and I’m certain that TV producers certainly will not ever film a prime-time TV drama using that phrase, but the concept is important, powerful and life-giving.
Love, Mom
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