Musings on Marriage

Tag: Despair

On My Own

Dear Daughters,

A few years ago I watched the movie Les Miserables Les Miz for short.  It’s a fabulous movie based on the novel by Victor Hugo, first published in 1862.  The music in the film is marvelous and moving, emotional and memorable.  The story of Les Miz is based on the character Jean Valjean, known as Prisoner #24601, recently released from 19 years in prison and desiring to find a life of freedom but not knowing how.

It’s a long and complicated story, but in the movie there is a lovely song On My Own sung by one of the minor characters, Eponine.  It is a haunting, heartbreaking song of a woman having to live life on her own.  I learned it quite well because a piano student of mine wanted to sing and play it and asked for my help.  So, I immersed myself in the song, singing and playing it so I could teach it well to my student.  But an interesting shift took place as I sang it over and over.

Originally, the song is sung by Eponine because the man she loves is only in her dreams, yet she longs for him to be a reality – which never happens.  She sings the song on a deserted street in the rain, devastated yet hoping for something more than what she has experienced.  The more I sang it I started believing that this was my life, that I was on my own.  Slowly, the words I sang became those I felt about God during that time in my life.  I had been hurt and rejected by others, my health was failing and I truly felt as if God had abandoned me.  So I sang On My Own more and more, often with fervor, believing that in real life I was on my own.  God had become a figment of my imagination, a nice awareness but simply a pretend idea.

The words of On My Own go like this:

On my own, pretending he’s beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning…

And I know, it’s only in my mind

That I’m talking to myself and not to him,

And although I know that he is blind,

Still I say there’s a way for us.

I love him, but every day I’m learning

All my life I’ve only been pretending

Without me his world will go on turning

A world that’s full of happiness that I have never known

I love him…..

But only on my own.

It’s a sad song to sing about a boyfriend or husband you wish were yours, but it’s even a sadder song when you’re singing it about God.  God, the one we’re told who has created us, who loves us and desires the best for us.  And yet, sometimes it feels like he’s gone, vanished, given up on us – and we come to believe we are totally on our own.  I made the mistake of singing that song over and over again, becoming more mournful every time, and actually believing that I had no choice but to live life on my own.  I had to look out for me because no one else was going to do it, and so I came to the conclusion that this was my life for a time.  Too long of a time.

The melody was so beautiful, the orchestration exquisite, and the musicality itself continued to draw me in.  How easy it is to let a 3-minute song become your entire belief system. Philosophers can write books of many wise words, but a winsome melancholy popular song often becomes the mindset of the masses who sing it.

Feelings are strong, they can take us up to the moon at times but also into the depths of despair.  It was into the depths of despair that I went.  I continued to sing All Alone and for me it became a reality.

So where can we anchor our minds and hearts when these thoughts consume our every waking moment?

Thankfully, a friend gently reminded me that my feelings were only feelings, they were not the truth.  I am not alone, I was never alone, and I will never be alone.  How do I know that?  Simply because the Bible tells me so.  The Bible has been an anchor for millions of people through thousands of years.  My friend reminded me all the times in the past when Jesus showed his love for me. 

So I rewrote the words:

I’m never alone,

The Spirit lives inside me.

Every day, my Lord he walks beside me.

Without out Him, my life would be disaster

Remembering His faithfulness that I have always known…

 I love Him, I’m never on my own.

The mindset of the original On My Own is found often in the Psalms.  King David and others who wrote the Psalms never denied their feelings, but wrote exactly what they felt, even though it wasn’t true.  God is never afraid of our honest cries and wailings.  But he loves to have them directed toward Him so He can come and give comfort.

They [the Psalms] are remarkable for recording with brutal honesty the cries of those who are sick and suffering, says Tim Keller.  Yet, the hopelessness and despair is only for a season.  When we turn our eyes to God and remember, always remember his faithfulness to us and to others in the myriad stories in the Bible, then we can wait patiently and sing songs of hope instead of anguish and gloom.

Love, Mom

1,000 Gifts

Dear Daughters,

One Sunday in January 2011 my friend, Jolene, came up to me after church and asked if I had heard of the book 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  She simply mentioned that I might enjoy it.  Being ever curious about new books I went home and looked it up on Amazon, read the free pages and wept.  I ordered it, started reading and was totally consumed.  The premise of the book is that God has given us gifts, no, showered us with gifts every day of our lives – but do we see them as gifts and say “Thank you”?  Never before had I read someone like Ann who was so vulnerable, sharing with me her insecurities, doubts, anxieties, disappointment with God and her fierce struggle to find joy in everyday living.  Immediately I felt a kinship with her and was ready to learn whatever it was that had made her become so honest, bold, and joyful.1,000 Gifts

As the story goes a friend of Ann’s, knowing her struggle with life, dared her to write a list of a thousand things she loves.  Ann started that very day to chronicle the simple gifts of life – jam on toast, the cry of a blue jay, wool sweaters with turtleneck collars.  She became surprised by joy that the naming these gifts had created in her.  Joy that had eluded her for years had appeared through the simple act of thanksgiving.

So I bought a journal and started writing down gifts, not gifts that I want, but gifts God has already given me.  Looking for gifts and writing them down in detail felt like I was on a quest for beauty – something I had never done before.  I felt new joy coming over me.  I became more aware of the beauty in our home, in the surrounding countryside.  I started thanking God for the little things: my ten fingers, the energy to fold Dad’s socks, the tulips that were blooming, melted butter on my broccoli.  I found that I couldn’t name just three a day – it became 5, 10, sometimes more – simply because it brought delight that I hadn’t realized I had been missing.  It was easy to write down so many good gifts ….for many months.Pumpkins

Then came what Ann calls “the hard Eucharisteo” (the Greek word for thanks).  My health started declining and I was forced to quit my job teaching music at school.  I didn’t want to give thanks for that because I was angry that my body wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do.  I cried, prayed for healing, and fell into the pit of despair.  Finally, in the midst of my anger and disappointment, simply out of obedience to God, I haltingly started to give thanks for stuff I didn’t like.  As Ann points out, but what I was not yet ready to accept, is that God is able to use the hard things in life for our good and growth.

I read 1,000 Gifts again to reinforce what I had been learning, to remember, because I found that I have “soul amnesia” as Ann call it.  How easy it is to slip down into the hole of self-pity when illness strikes.  When I finished reading the book a third time, I read it again – I had to for survival.  Oftentimes I would thank God for what was happening to me though I was merely saying the words in faith.  I did not feel the least bit thankful.  Through many sleepless, tear drenched nights I knew in my intellect that I could trust Him, but my heart was screaming that perhaps He couldn’t be trusted.  I hated it that I didn’t understand what was happening to my body.  I didn’t like the chronic fatigue that defined my life.Thanks

In the midst of all this, Dad was there.  I know God was there too, but I think he used Dad to comfort me in my sorrow, listen to my wonderings and anger against God, and hold me when I was sobbing.  Because of his love and care for me I learned to love him more than I ever have.  Just a few years ago I would have been angry that Dad didn’t have words for me.  I wanted answers.  But he was wise enough to simply listen and share my grief.  I learned to be thankful for his presence, our simply being together.  Slowly, oh so slowly, I am gaining strength and I am able to give thanks even in this time of life that I would have never scripted for myself.

Through it all I have to believe that God is good even though life is not going how I would like.  He comforts me with these words.  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

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