Dear Daughters,
In the den we have a large Sun Remembrance Calendar to keep track of days filled with sunshine. Grandma laments so quickly when we have just one gray day, so I decided to decorate the calendar with reminders of the sunny days. At the beginning of February there were several dismal, dreary days in a row and she continued to grieve the loss of the sun. So now I direct her to the Calendar to see the many bright, filled-with-sunshine days that we have enjoyed. She seems to be encouraged by the visual of all those yellow-sun-blue-sky days, even on those that are gloomy.
As I was finishing up yet another (16 days in a row) sunny day marking I started thinking about how quickly we forget the sunshine and faithfulness of God in our lives. We receive abounding mercies every day that grace our lives, yet when a disappointment comes we cry out in surprise and hurt, thinking God doesn’t care.
I have recently finished a most excellent book on marriage entitled Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge, a fitting title for marriage, don’t you think? The Eldredges have been married for 30 years and have been on the brink of divorce several times. Interestingly, they begin the book with the following two sentences: Marriage can be done. And it is worth it.
All of us who have been married experience surprise and shock when we discover how hard it is. The feelings that lure us into marriage – romance, love, passion, sex, companionship – often seem far from the actual reality of married life. I think most of us dreamed that our husbands would perpetually try to please us, constantly cheer us on when we have hard days and be that rock of stability we have always desired.
Dad and I went into marriage with no premarital course, no Engaged Encounter weekend. We simply discussed with our pastor how we wanted the wedding ceremony to be – and of course my main goal was lots of good music including The Hallelujah Chorus as we were exiting the ceremony in the beautiful month of May. Because we were both Christians, we (and apparently everyone else) thought we’d sail through our marriage so smoothly. But let me tell you I certainly wasn’t singing The Hallelujah Chorus when October came around. Dad was so stubborn, selfish, and unbending in the most peculiar areas. Of course, it took years for me to see the same things in myself.
In Chapter 1 of Love and War John and Stasi encourage us to remember what we originally longed for in marriage, the desire to be known and loved for who we are. But who in the world actually knows who they are when they get married?
If only some older woman would have warned me what typically happens in marriage, saying something like this: “Listen, Shari – you’re a fine young woman and Larry is a wonderful guy but you are both deeply broken people. All that brokenness will be coming to the surface as soon as you say `I do.’ Don’t be surprised, it happens to everyone. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong, but don’t ignore what surfaces. God is going to use your marriage to bring up the issues in your life that He wants to address. Each of you have devised a way of making life work and those ways will collide sooner rather than later. Don’t run away from this stuff when things get difficult. Get some help, read some books, talk to some older couples who have wisdom and vulnerability. Above all don’t give up. Marriage is worth the fight.”
I find it interesting that Adam and Eve, even though they had the perfect parent, made a mess of the lives they were given. After they were finished with the initial blaming and hiding God came looking for them. “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9) As they were running away, God pursued them and He continues to pursue us in our marriages today. He wants us to remember the desire, the dream that we had when we first fell in love. He understands the sorrow, pain and rejection that we have experienced in our marriages, and He offers life to us if we will invite Him into our relationship. My desire, decades ago, was that I could be known and yet still loved and valued. I wanted to share my life, my joys and my sorrows with Dad because life can be hard, cruel and often dangerous. I longed to go on an adventure with him, just like in the fairy tales I had loved as a child.
All those things have happened in the past 38 years, but not as soon and certainly not how I envisioned they would. It took a lot longer than I ever dreamed because I had no idea how broken both Dad and I were. There were times we lost heart, yet we both remembered what we had desired in our marriage and we continued to trust God to teach us, lead us, and give us His love for one another. We certainly were not capable of loving each other on our own.
As John Eldredge says “Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a tree to blossom without sunshine and water.” But letting that Life into our marriage is like opening all the doors and windows of our house in the spring time and letting the Son shine in. He brings real love, genuine companionship, joy, long suffering and a shared mission.
Remember, never forget those desires that were planted in your heart long ago, don’t lose heart, and trust God to make them come to life – in His time.
Love, Mom
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