Dear Daughters,
One Sunday in January 2011 my friend, Jolene, came up to me after church and asked if I had heard of the book 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. She simply mentioned that I might enjoy it. Being ever curious about new books I went home and looked it up on Amazon, read the free pages and wept. I ordered it, started reading and was totally consumed. The premise of the book is that God has given us gifts, no, showered us with gifts every day of our lives – but do we see them as gifts and say “Thank you”? Never before had I read someone like Ann who was so vulnerable, sharing with me her insecurities, doubts, anxieties, disappointment with God and her fierce struggle to find joy in everyday living. Immediately I felt a kinship with her and was ready to learn whatever it was that had made her become so honest, bold, and joyful.
As the story goes a friend of Ann’s, knowing her struggle with life, dared her to write a list of a thousand things she loves. Ann started that very day to chronicle the simple gifts of life – jam on toast, the cry of a blue jay, wool sweaters with turtleneck collars. She became surprised by joy that the naming these gifts had created in her. Joy that had eluded her for years had appeared through the simple act of thanksgiving.
So I bought a journal and started writing down gifts, not gifts that I want, but gifts God has already given me. Looking for gifts and writing them down in detail felt like I was on a quest for beauty – something I had never done before. I felt new joy coming over me. I became more aware of the beauty in our home, in the surrounding countryside. I started thanking God for the little things: my ten fingers, the energy to fold Dad’s socks, the tulips that were blooming, melted butter on my broccoli. I found that I couldn’t name just three a day – it became 5, 10, sometimes more – simply because it brought delight that I hadn’t realized I had been missing. It was easy to write down so many good gifts ….for many months.
Then came what Ann calls “the hard Eucharisteo” (the Greek word for thanks). My health started declining and I was forced to quit my job teaching music at school. I didn’t want to give thanks for that because I was angry that my body wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do. I cried, prayed for healing, and fell into the pit of despair. Finally, in the midst of my anger and disappointment, simply out of obedience to God, I haltingly started to give thanks for stuff I didn’t like. As Ann points out, but what I was not yet ready to accept, is that God is able to use the hard things in life for our good and growth.
I read 1,000 Gifts again to reinforce what I had been learning, to remember, because I found that I have “soul amnesia” as Ann call it. How easy it is to slip down into the hole of self-pity when illness strikes. When I finished reading the book a third time, I read it again – I had to for survival. Oftentimes I would thank God for what was happening to me though I was merely saying the words in faith. I did not feel the least bit thankful. Through many sleepless, tear drenched nights I knew in my intellect that I could trust Him, but my heart was screaming that perhaps He couldn’t be trusted. I hated it that I didn’t understand what was happening to my body. I didn’t like the chronic fatigue that defined my life.
In the midst of all this, Dad was there. I know God was there too, but I think he used Dad to comfort me in my sorrow, listen to my wonderings and anger against God, and hold me when I was sobbing. Because of his love and care for me I learned to love him more than I ever have. Just a few years ago I would have been angry that Dad didn’t have words for me. I wanted answers. But he was wise enough to simply listen and share my grief. I learned to be thankful for his presence, our simply being together. Slowly, oh so slowly, I am gaining strength and I am able to give thanks even in this time of life that I would have never scripted for myself.
Through it all I have to believe that God is good even though life is not going how I would like. He comforts me with these words. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever.
Love, Mom
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