Tag: Faithfulness (Page 1 of 2)

Turtle on a Fencepost

April 26, 2018 / Shari Baar / 4 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I have never seen a turtle on a fencepost in real life, but you can imagine it didn’t get up there by itself. Maybe it wasn’t even in favor of the idea.

I just finished the book Turtle on a Fencepost by June Rae Wood. It’s a young teen’s book, and a beautiful story – complete with intergenerational characters, problems with friends, mourning, scuffles with family, physical disabilities, misunderstandings, pre-judging people and many other typical human struggles.

Back in the small farming era, most any farmer plowing with a tractor would pick up turtles and set them on fence posts, rather than smash them under their tires. At the end of the day, it was usually the job of the farmer’s kids to walk the fences and put the turtles safely back down on the ground.

There were times, when one of the mean kids in the county would leave a turtle stranded on a post, laughing as the legs paddled through the air trying to find land – then walk away.

Delrita, the main character of Turtle on a Fencepost, had recently lost her parents in a car accident, was living with her uptight Aunt Queenie with painted-on eyebrows, Uncle Bert who donned a toupee, and her crotchety old WWII veteran Gramps.

In a sense, all those people living under the same roof were turtles, each on their own fencepost. None of them had chosen the role they were living, and none understood the other. But because they continued to do life together, trying to be family even when the feelings weren’t there, they learned to appreciate and eventually love each other.

There were reasons why Aunt Queenie was so rigid, why Gramps was always critical and never satisfied with anything or anyone. Delrita had her own reasons for constantly lashing out at the people living in her household. But when each person started to be honest and speak about their past, their griefs and their crushed dreams, they learned to look past the quirks and oddities of each other and embrace the abundance of good that eventually became apparent.

I became so thoroughly captivated with the book that I stayed up later than usual reading. It wasn’t quite as riveting as John Grishom or Ted Dekker, but stories about human interactions and conflicts always grab my attention.

Then I got thinking about families – the annoyances we all have with each other at times, those rough edges we see especially when we live and work with people – and remembered the saying:

Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

When I used to stop at a signal, waiting for the light to turn green, I would look at some of the picture perfect people sitting in cars around me and think that surely their lives were easy. Surely they had a good job, a family without strife, friends that loved and appreciated them.

But after all these years of living and talking with many seemingly picture perfect people, I have found that there is no such thing. We all sin in many ways, offend others without intending, and bristle when they annoy us.

Everyone is fighting a hard battle – but there are a lot of us fighting hard battles after losing a whole string of other battles. Ann Voskamp

That’s exactly why Jesus tells us to be compassionate and forgive when people hurt us. We know very little about what is going on in the hearts of others, but we do know that we all – without an exception – suffer from the same human condition. The condition that tempts us to judge, hold on to hurts, to think we are always right and the other is wrong.

It’s Jesus who works in us and others to become more like him. We are all on different time lines, and if we simply remember what we were like many moons ago, perhaps we will have more grace with others. It’s hard work to live that way, but as I have always told my students, and what I still constantly need to remind myself:

There’s nothing wrong with hard.

So…that’s the story about the turtle on the fencepost. The analogy is beautiful and the lessons are many. I pray that we all may be willing to help any stranded turtles we see so they can quit swimming in the air and be planted on firm ground.

Love, Mom

Boys will be boys….

January 9, 2018 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

It’s looking like #Metoo will become the most memorable hashtag of 2017. I rejoice there have been so many women coming forward, honestly sharing their stories which have been quieted for decades. And just when I think the stories are diminishing, yet another one surfaces.

I lament that there are so many who have been used, abused, silenced and threatened with lies and other intimidation maneuvers. Over the years I have grieved with several personal friends as they have recounted their own stories of being assaulted, molested and raped. The devastation that follows is indescribable and becomes a part of their story for the remainder of their lives.

In the past, unwanted fondling, groping and inappropriate touching was often considered trivial and given the excuse boys will be boys. But as Ann Voskamp wisely writes:

If boys will be boys, girls will be garbage.

Sexual freedoms which were so celebrated in the 1960’s with the advent of the Pill have not made us free. Instead we have scandals, accusations, denials, finger pointing, judgment, hopelessness and despair. In fact, it seems our society has become sex-obsessed, which instead of giving freedom has become a bondage to many. It has caused us to see people as merely bodies to be used, instead of being given the respect, love and value that God originally bestowed on us.

I remember the question our nation was faced with when a past President was charged with an improper sexual relationship with a White House intern back in 1988.

Is morality an absolute or a private matter?

For much of our culture, morality is simply defined as what you feel is right. That opinion brings a dilemma however: right for you may not be right for me.

For many of the accused men, I’m quite certain this is their belief, that morality is a private matter. But what happens when their belief collides with the women they use?

God created each of us, male and female, with bodies that are sacred. We are not only physical, but a spirit and a soul beautifully wrapped in flesh and blood. When our body is touched so is our soul, whether it is a genuine hug from a friend or a caress from our husband. But when unwanted, toxic touch occurs it hurts not only our body but also our soul and emotions – our entire person.

In the late 80’s, after the President’s adultery was uncovered, many others in high government positions were also publicly exposed with their past affairs, some from years and even decades earlier. Included were those who had hoped to impeach the President because of his moral failure. Several men argued that their actions were merely indiscretions of their youth – at age 41.

Why is it so easy to point out other’s sins yet assume no one will discover our own? Jesus was right when he said long ago:

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed,

or hidden that will not be made known.

What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight,

and what you have whispered in the ear in inner rooms

will be proclaimed from the housetops.

But back to the question about morality being absolute or a private matter. If a person, male or female, commits adultery – or more politely having an affair – which is basically lying to their spouse, why would we trust them with political office, with power, with directing large sums of money? If a person lies in one area of their life, we can safely assume there will be deceit in other areas as well.

When God carved those words, Do not commit adultery, He was simply desiring for us to live lives of simplicity and love. He always wants the best for us.

Is marriage and fidelity hard? Of course they are. Marriage is a mystery and will always be a mystery, but should never be seen as a problem. It takes a lifetime to learn to love our husbands. But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it should be abandoned.

I honestly think learning to stay faithful and love, no matter what happens in life, is much simpler than lying, trying to cover up those lies, attempting to impress someone new while carrying around all the deceit being hidden, pretending, covering up other lies – and all the while trying to look as though all is well. Not to mention all the pain it inflicts on children, parents and others involved.

Harvey Weinstein, who has over 80 women with accusations of sexual abuse against him, has recently been quoted as saying,

I am profoundly devastated.

I have lost my wife and kids, whom I love more than anything else.

Weinstein, who has produced such movies as Sex, Lies, and Videotape and Flirting with Disaster seems to have embodied his own films in real life.

One thing that gives me a bit of joy in the midst of all this madness in our world is that somehow the general public really does have some kind of a moral law in their minds.

With the theory of naturalism (everything can be explained in the natural and scientific realm) prevalent in so much of our society there is no rational reason for right or wrong, absolutely none. Science cannot dictate which sexual advances are inappropriate. Science alone cannot give value to human beings or command respect for them. Living with the philosophy of naturalism, which many in our country believe, everyone is free to make their own rules because there is no transcendence, no higher being, no moral law-giver. Only what is seen with the eyes, measured in the lab and studied in science is real.

So why then are many people with no belief in the unseen realm upset with sexual indiscretions? If the man thinks it’s good, it must be ok. Why have women’s opinions suddenly become important and newsworthy?

I cannot answer that question except that it is by God’s grace. Truth is coming out and men are being called to account for their actions.

As long as I can remember, men who jump from woman to woman have been called Playboys. I think it is an accurate term, boys who have never grown up, who still like to play with women as toys instead of committing to one for a lifetime.

There is a possible danger I can faintly hear coming in the future – women putting all men in the same category of sexual predators. I do hope we will have the courage to not become men-haters because of the accusations of these high-profile abusers.

There are countless faithful, true, loving men who do keep their promises in the good times and bad, in the difficult and in the celebratory, even though temptation lurks with every mouse click.

I thank God for the men in our lives who treat women with respect, grace and kindness. Yes, we all have our disagreements, conflicts and misunderstandings because we are all humans with countless flaws. But I pray that we will continue to honor and esteem one another, growing and learning to love even in the most difficult of times.

Love, Mom

p.s. I wonder if we should start #Wetoo for those of us who have faithful husbands…

Don’t Drop the Baton

August 30, 2016 / Shari Baar / 1 Comment

Dear Daughters,

The Olympics are over (sigh). So I guess I won’t be watching TV for another two years when the Winter Games return. As you know my typical TV viewing is rather rare, but I do love watching the Olympics.

One of my favorite events, next to gymnastics, is the women’s 4 x 100 relay, simply because of the history of team USA.

At Athens in 2004, the USA women’s team failed to pass the baton within the 20- meter exchange zone so was disqualified, no second chance.

During the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, both the USA men’s and women’s relay teams were plagued by baton drops and, of course, were disqualified yet again.

Finally, at the 2012 games in London the American women ran the relay beautifully and captured the Gold Medal.

The 2016 women’s 4 x 100 meter relay was fascinating. In an unusual race, the Brazilians were disqualified when one of their runners ran into Allyson Felix’s lane during the baton exchange, causing the US to drop the baton and lose the prelims.

Amazingly, the U.S. was given a second chance to qualify for the finals, running the race all alone on the track. Qualify they did, even though they had to run the finals in lane 1, the least desirable of all lanes. But…they came back and won the Gold.

Every one of those women on the earlier disqualified teams were champions in their own right: Marion Jones, Lauren Williams, Allyson Felix, English Gardener…. Yet, it is never one person alone who is able to win a relay.

The clincher is always the handoff of the baton.

All these interesting years of relays got me thinking about a talk that Christine Caine gave a few years back.

Christine mentioned the saddest verse in the Bible, Judges 2:10. This verse was written at a time in Israeli history when Joshua had just died. Joshua, the guy who led the army around Jericho and watched the walls fall down. Joshua, who was in the minority to believe that God would lead them into the promised land. Joshua, who saw the Red Sea part. He watched the Jordan River stop flowing long enough to let thousands of Israelites walk through on dry land. He asked God to stop the sun from going down for an extra 24 hours – and it did. Joshua, who ate the manna and the quail that God miraculously provided for his people for 40 years, saw water come out of a rock, who had an entire book of the Bible named after him, and the stories go on and on.

Yet, just after Joshua died, the next verse says:

After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the Lord, nor what He had done for Israel.

Joshua was an amazing, incredible leader and man of God, but he and the others didn’t pass the baton on to the next generation, the reason this verse is so sad.

How could an entire generation immediately after Joshua, not know the Lord or what He had done for Israel? They had been children when all those miracles happened, but perhaps it had just become normal to have manna on the ground every morning. It was an everyday occurrence to see victory after victory when Joshua was leading them.

Just like the sprinters in the Olympics, each one of those runners are amazing and incredible in their own right, but when they run a relay the most important act is passing the baton from one runner to the next.

We can look at our own lives as a divine relay, not an individual sprint. Each one of us is gifted and talented, but the most important detail is not only that we run our leg with integrity, but that we pass the baton of faith on to the next generation. There can be no egos in a relay, unity is the bottom line.

When a sprinter enters the 20-meter hand off zone, the runner coming in must slow down because the runner going out is just accelerating. We too, in the midst of our individual sprint must slow down and talk to the next generation about Jesus Christ and the larger story in which we live.

This life is not just about us. We have Jesus and a whole crowd of witnesses cheering us on, encouraging us to model in our everyday lives selfless living, devoting our hearts to our Creator God, and learning to listen for His voice everyday of our life.

We are living in a much bigger story than our day to day frustrations, a bad hair day, annoyances of our husbands, worries about what people think about us.

Every action that puts others first, every prayer we pray for our enemies, every compassionate word of forgiveness that we speak, is working out God’s plan for the ages. Our words and actions, especially to those younger than us, are how we pass the baton to future generations.

I admit that when I was younger and you girls were at home, I often let my preoccupation with teaching other children take precedence over my teaching to you about the kind and marvelous God we serve.

I sometimes think God has given me a second chance, just as the 4 x 100 relay team was granted another run in order to participate in the finals.

I pray that you will not make that same mistake as I. Speak to those younger than you about the unending grace of Jesus Christ. Tell your stories of God’s love and faithfulness in your own lives. Let them know that even when we fail, He is strong and loves us still. Let them know that when we think there is no forgiveness for our past, our God is the God of second chances (and third and fourth…)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance, the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who through the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame…so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-2

Love, Mom

Family Trees

December 10, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

As you know, we have relatives of whom we are proud and those we would rather keep hidden. Amazingly, Jesus had the same type of family tree except that he wasn’t ashamed of them. I find it fascinating that before the birth of Jesus is ever mentioned in the book of Matthew, we find a rather lengthy, boring to most, genealogy. God’s history with His people has always been one of openness. There have never been any secrets with Him

In a classic Jewish genealogy women were not included, they were not deemed important enough. Remarkably in Jesus’ there were four women included. Not your good, upright and noble women, but women of shame. He was not consumed with the purity of His pedigree, but in the extreme value of every person on that list. There was Tamar, who disguised herself as a prostitute to trick her father-in-law into sleeping with her as a way of seeking justice from him, Rahab a prostitute from Jericho, Ruth, a foreigner, and Mary with an unplanned pregnancy.

In Jesus’ lifetime a person’s genealogy was similar to our resumes today. It gave a person validation, credentials. As in any resume, we all tend to expand on our best accomplishments and omit our worst failures. The ancients would typically feature ancestors who would hold them in high esteem, but leave out those of whom they were ashamed. Herod the Great, a King of long ago, destroyed his genealogy because he found it too embarrassing. But Jesus included these women in His because in God’s eyes there are no little people, no one who is below the grace of God, no one of whom to be ashamed.

Today I was looking through the homemade book My Life written by your great-grandma Vandermeer. It is a weighty book of genealogy that she spent decades compiling. The cover is thick heavy leather which she personally handcrafted. I still remember all her leather tools in a wooden box, watching her design the intricate artwork.

I must admit that it was both interesting and embarrassing to read a bit of my heritage. In our long ago family there were pioneers who came to the West in wagon trains, a prince, a woman who poisoned her husband at lunch, a poet, alcoholics, a missionary, a Singer Sewing Machine salesman, those who committed suicide – basically the typical menagerie that every family inherits.

The coming of Christ was right through families of messed-up monarchs and battling brothers, through affairs and adultery and more than a feud or two, through skeletons in closets and cheaters at tables. It was in that time of prophets and kings, the time of Mary and Joseph, that men were in genealogies and women were invisible. But for Jesus, women had names and stories and lives that mattered.

~ Ann Voskamp

The family tree of Jesus includes women who felt like outsiders, women who had been hopeless, who felt invisible and forgotten, women who had been close to giving up on life, those who were unappreciated and dismissed. You know of anyone who’s ever felt like that?

I remember when I was 16 and first driving by myself, wondering if cars would see me because I often felt invisible. At times I would be amazed that people would wait for me to make a turn before they drove on. I know that sounds silly, but that was a time in my life that I did not feel important or even visible. I imagine the fact that I was tall, skinny and awkward, plenty of zits, braces and shy had something to do with it.

The centuries seem not to have changed much for women. Today many of us feel the same, our society lauding women more for their bodies and outward beauty than their hearts and those deep desires within.

Last month Christie Hefner was honored by the YWCA with the outstanding leader Trailblazer’s Award. Somehow I found it interesting that she would receive such a prestigious award when most of her life has been promoting the beauty of other women’s naked bodies, seemingly not so concerned with the value of the hopes and dreams of their hearts.

Jesus attracted prostitutes, but not to use them. He saw their longing to be known and loved for who they were, not for what they looked like. He valued them, gave them hope, forgiveness and a restored life.

Tamar and Rahab had both been used by men over many years. Tamar, who had been lied to and tricked by her father-in-law decided to take justice in her own hands and was able to convict him for his wrong. Rahab, living in a godless place with a godless past, believed in the God of the Jews around her and eventually became the Great-grandmother of the great King David.

Other women mentioned in Jesus’ lineage were humble women, those who lived their lives doing the tedious things. In the middle of this boring genealogy we have wonderful stories of God’s grace breaking into shamed women. Ruth, a woman whose husband had died, decided to help out her mother-in-law, who had also lost her husband. She gleaned in the fields of wheat and was noticed by the richest guy in town, who just happened to marry her. She became King David’s grandmother.

Mary, the mother of Jesus was also considered boring by today’s standards, doing the humble things in life that a typical Jewish teenager did – cook meals, wash the laundry, care for younger children, clean house – until the day an angel came to her, saying that she would become the mother of the Messiah. Now this sounds quite exciting until you think of what the village people might have said. “Sure, the Holy Spirit made you pregnant? Really? You think we’re going to believe that, you whore. You know what happens to girls who get pregnant when they’re not married.” Mary was shamed, her life totally disrupted as she was going about her predictable life.

God disrupts our lives as well. We may have a plan, but God’s is usually different – and always better. We all play an important part of a much larger story. Tamar, Ruth, Rahab, and Mary were all outcasts at one time or another, rejected, ridiculed, used, and seemingly forgotten. But God in His amazing mercy brought each of these women into an important part of His Story. He is a specialist at rewarding the humble, raising up the rejected.

Jesus is delighted when each of us does our job faithfully, carefully and humbly. Every repetitive task we perform with gratitude to God is accepted as an offering, an honoring of our Savior. Every diaper we change, each question we answer with kindness, the clients we treat with respect, each meal we prepare, every word of encouragement we speak reflects the love of Jesus.

When we love our husbands, God is pleased. When we forgive and persevere when we would rather leave, God is pleased. He loves faithfulness and will reward it in His time. When we read all the stories of how God loves women, we know that His love for us is the same. Our small stories of humble lives are being worked into His grand story and one day we shall see the whole story and marvel.

Lean on Him. Trust Him.

Love, Mom

The Lure of Ashley Madison

September 6, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week Dad read that there were only three zip codes in the United States that had no connection to the Ashley Madison scandal. Two were in Alaska, one in New Mexico. Each town had a population less than 300.

Divorce lawyers are saying that it may be Christmas in September. The truth is revealed, vows have been broken, lies and deceit come out into the open. Many who had made promises in their lives have opted for something different than the love and faithfulness they had vowed.

Why does that make my heart so sad?

It brings to mind the people I have known who have divorced, the children who struggle decades after the split is final. I think of the couples I know who have had affairs and the heartache and despair that comes with betrayal. I have seen how it shatters families for generations to follow, and it grieves me.

Divorce begets divorce. Faithfulness begets faithfulness.

I had two neighbors when we lived in Kalamazoo. My neighbor to the east came from a family that didn’t believe in divorce. They fought for faithfulness, worked to love and forgive. Generations ago it started, and so it stays today.

My neighbor to the west, a sweet older woman had been divorced decades ago. Her two children followed her example and also divorced.

They were both my friends, we visited often over the fence, shared tea and life together for the short year we lived there.

As a teacher, I have seen the impact of unfaithfulness on children. Learning becomes more difficult because their head space is filled with grief, guilt and abandonment. Their minds are overflowing with emotional trauma, so have no room for learning. As divorce rates continue to climb in our country, so do the Emotionally Impaired learning groups at school.

Family stability, faithfulness and security are so important to young children. Without it children grow up to be adults who continue to suffer from the fear of abandonment and anxiety that comes when parents betray one another and an adult walks out of their life.

Ashley Madison made it so easy to cheat, one could do it in the quiet of their own homes, discreet and anonymous. At least that was the strategy.

Lots of people these days despise the Ten Commandments. They seem so constricting, so narrow, old-fashioned. But I find it interesting to read in Romans 13:9-10,

The commandments, `Do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be are summed up in this one rule: `Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

The reason that God gave us those legendary Ten Commandments can be summed up in one word.

Love.

It was His love for His people. He knew the heartbreak and hurt that unfaithfulness brings and He wanted His people to be free from that sorrow. He desires that we keep our wedding vows and learn to love.

God also knows that we are incapable on our own to love the same person – day in and day out, for years, decades, sometimes half a century – without His help. So He stands ready and waiting for us to call on Him for help. How Jesus longs to be invited into your marriage so He can teach you to love, because it certainly does not come naturally.

I think the word love is being confused with warm feelings and emotions in our world today. When the initial glow of marriage wears off, we mistakenly believe that love is gone. It is not gone, it simply needs to mature. And the only way it can mature is through difficult circumstances. Too often people give up as soon as challenging situations arise.

Enter Ashley Madison. Intrigue, secrets, chasing someone new, all have initial exhilaration and excitement, but along with that always comes lots of stress. Let’s face it, whenever we have to keep a secret of such enormity it creates anxiety.

I remember throwing a 50^th surprise birthday party for Dad awhile back. People were coming from out of state, reservations had to be made – all under cover and in secret. E-mails had to be deleted, lies had to be told while trying to look like I was telling the truth. It was tough to remember what I told to Dad and what I told to the people coming to the party because, of course, it had to be two different stories.

A friend from many years ago owned a large contracting business building bridges. People would ask him how he could keep so stress free with the high level job that he held. His reply, “I always tell the truth, and then I don’t have to remember what I said.” A very wise and simple statement, but rare in today’s world.

Whenever there are secrets (apart from surprise parties), shame, guilt, and anxiety usually follow. The bottom line of the Ashley Madison mindset is Shhhhhh…..it’s a secret.

As I’ve written before, we have an Enemy of our souls whose goal is to divide, split, and ruin our marriages. Satan delights to see strife, anguish, and bitterness between couples. Make no mistake that the love story of your marriage is set in the midst of a war. Jesus is a reconciler, Satan is a divider. Jesus loves you, Satan hates your very existence and is doing all he can to dissuade you from believing that your marriage is important.

Recently I’ve been reading Preemptive Love by Jeremy Courtney. Jeremy, an American, lives in Iraq with his wife and two children, obeying that simple command of Jesus to love your enemies.

In war, a preemptive strike is based on the assumption that the enemy is planning an imminent attack, so there is a bold attack that hopefully comes before the assumed attack of the enemy.

What if we used preemptive love in our marriages? We know that our Adversary will attack us, tempt us to be discouraged, thinking that nothing will ever change, that we deserve better. So….why not decide to love boldly, seek to reconcile when there are wrongs, and fight with love, which Jesus tells us is stronger than hate?

The Bible tells us that as we run the race of life, we travel our journey before a great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1). When we face a decision to dismiss our wedding vows to do some married dating, looking for someone superior to who we have, the whole universe waits – angels, demons, our friends and foes, even God himself – and watches with bated breath to see what we will do. The question remains: Will anyone trust the loving heart of the Father to come and transform our marriage, or will we shrink back and follow our emotion of the day?

Always remember that the decisions you make are not just for today, they will affect not only you, but generations to come. It’s easy to dwell only on our own hurt and dissatisfaction with our husbands, but we need to think beyond now and the consequences that our choices will have for those who come after us. Yes, we may have to suffer a little now – love when we don’t feel like it, forgive those irksome quirks, take time to listen to his side of the story, intercede for him, – but it is worth it. You will see.

Love, Mom

Efficiency…

July 27, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Grandma loves to get the water pitcher out from underneath the sink and water her flower pots. There are three out on the deck and one hanging outside the front door. For decades she has watered flowers. Pour the water in and the flowers come out. It’s a miracle.

She usually waters them before I get out of bed in the morning. Then as I’m doing the breakfast dishes she’ll water them again. Often mid-morning she’ll forget they were watered already and will douse them once more. Oh yes, there’s that Christmas cactus too that gets lots of water, sometimes overflowing onto the floor.

She also remembers to faithfully water those flowers down at the end of the lane. Grandma remembers very little these days, but she does remember the flowers.

Thankfully Idaho is a very dry climate with little rain, so the flowers love all the extra attention they are getting.

One day I noticed that the pot on the deck table was a bit wilted. So I mentioned to Grandma that the two hanging baskets were good and damp, but the middle pot on the table needed some water. Being the pleasant lady that she is, she quickly got out the water pitcher and said “OK, I just need to water the middle pot on the table right?” Yep, just the middle pot on the table. As I watched her from the window, she watered the two hanging baskets and passed right over the middle pot on the table.

Efficiency.

My life used to be focused on that word. Do the most I can in the least time possible. Work. Be efficient. Don’t waste time. I made every moment in my life count. Make the meals, wash the clothes, create the lesson plans, be sure everybody was where they were supposed to be at the appointed time. That’s how I grew up and that’s what I taught all you girls.

Now that Dad and I are living with Grandpa and Grandma, that word has become extinct in my vocabulary. Nothing is efficient. We walk slowly, we speak slowly, we eat slowly, although Dad and I are still the first ones finished with a meal. We talk and wait until everyone at the table is finished. We repeat many of our words, either because Grandpa can’t hear us, or Grandma forgets what we told her 60 seconds ago.

Yesterday we celebrated their 65^th wedding anniversary. About half the clan was there. Almost forty of us in all – children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren – came together for a meal next to beautiful Bass Lake. Hamburgers, summer salads and baked beans made for a simple yet scrumptious lunch. Grandpa and Grandma couldn’t remember all the people’s names, but they did know that they are loved, appreciated and respected.

We were at the lake for about four hours and no one seemed in a hurry to go. Hugs, smiles, cards, cake and words were in abundance. We were not efficient but we enjoyed life for the afternoon.

Last night after we got home we were talking about the delightful party, Grandpa kept talking and talking about how much he enjoyed having so many of his offspring around him. Grandma asked “What party was that? Was I there?”

So why do we throw a party for someone who doesn’t remember it an hour after it’s over? Because we need to celebrate faithfulness with the younger folks. We need to rejoice in life and all that is good.

Have there been times during their 65 years together that Grandpa and Grandma fought? Of course. I know there were days of anger, hurtful words, silent treatments, frustration, times that they each got on each other’s last nerve. It is an imperfect marriage, just like all of ours, but vows were made and kept. And for that, we rejoice.

I recently read a book called Adam, God’s Beloved by Henri Nouwen. Adam was a 34 year-old man, severely handicapped, who could not speak or even move without assistance. But Henri, a world-renowned author, university professor and speaker, had become tired of the continual expectations that come with someone of his stature. So he decided to stop all the fabulously impressive things he was doing and care for Adam and others at L’Arche Daybreak in Toronto, Canada. There he found community and a sense of belonging, something he had been missing much of his life. He was accepted and loved even though he wasn’t writing books or teaching.

After caring for Adam and other L’Arche residents for almost ten years Henri wrote the following:

Adam’s great teaching to us was, “I can live only if you surround me with love and if you love one another. Otherwise, my life is useless and I am a burden.”

Such wise and true words. We need the Grandmas and the Grandpas, the Adams, and other people of the world to teach us to celebrate life, listen carefully, laugh often at ourselves and each other. It has been good for Dad and I to adjust to a new, slower rhythm of life. We have come to realize that we are all on the same journey, that mysterious and profound journey of life, and that we are all broken, yet beloved.

Life is a gift. Each person is unique, known by name and loved by the One who created us. Regrettably, there is a consistent, loud, prevailing message that comes to us from our world leading us to believe that we must prove our belovedness by how we look, what we own, and what we can do.

True living does not mean checking off everything on your to-do list. Living, at the root of all life, is learning how to love. And what better way to learn to love than to hang out with people who are not efficient, with those who struggle, with the weak-minded and the weak-bodied. Life can become shallow when we think only about ourselves, our own interests, and our own lives.

Is it easy? Nope.

Is it always fun? Not at all.

Is it challenging? Yes.

It is hard, but oh so good.

Though it has been a long journey, I am learning – finally – to love, and sometimes that means to water that poor, neglected middle flower pot on the table after Grandma has gone to bed.

Love, Mom

Thirty-Nine Years

May 8, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Today Dad and I celebrate our 39^th anniversary. Married in the year of our nation’s Bicentennial, we look in awe at the path on which we have been led. The years have been beautifully landscaped by God, with tall grand mountains alongside yawning dark valleys. There have been roses as well as thorns, dry barren years turning into deep lush times of harvest.

And the two shall become one… (Genesis 2:24).

At humanity’s beginning God spoke those words. Six short words, so easy to say, so easy to write, not so easy to do. Often we assume that the sentence merely means a physical union of marriage, but it is so much more than that. How do two people, thinking that they love each other, really become one in emotion, in their spirituality, in their physical being?

It truly takes a lifetime of learning to trust, learning to love someone who has many flaws, sins, and shortcomings – just like you and I. The wisdom and courage to forgive, learning to give God the things that are His, like your expectations of what you want your marriage to be like. He is the wise, artistic genius who created us and invented marriage, so we can certainly trust Him to enter into our marriages. We can have the confidence that He will lead and guide us, changing and transforming our characters so we can have the marriage that both He and we desire.

Dad and I have been in Idaho now for nearly six months and have missed you terribly. After enjoying our time with all of you and your families last week, I know that all these 39 years have been worth the effort, worth all the blood, sweat, and tears. Of course I knew it before we left, but the sweetness of being together again solidified the gratitude I have for our family.

In the past there have been times when I wanted to check out of marriage and mothering when things got hard. I’m sure all of you have been tempted to run away as well. But I have found that when times get hard, the best thing to do is to burrow deeper into God’s vast ocean of love and mercy. As I look back, I see that my disappointments in marriage have driven me to a deeper intimacy with God.

As we were on the way back from Chicago we saw the most beautiful sunset from above the clouds. We were just flying out of a storm. The sun was fiery orange-red with banks of billowing clouds almost totally surrounding it – you know those clouds that nearly look like grayish-white bubbles sitting on top of each other? And there was the sun peeking through, creating a gorgeous end to the day. Even the flight attendants were exclaiming about the incredible beauty.

As I thought about relationships, and marriage in particular, it seems that oftentimes the greatest splendor comes after a storm – after a fight, misunderstanding, or any other kind of relational mishap. When there are apologies given and forgiveness accepted there is beauty, restoration and peace, but most of all hope. Hope that God can bring beauty from ashes, gladness instead of mourning, and gratitude instead of despair.

You remember the wizened, aged woman who came in and chided us the night we were all at the pool in Chicago? I’ve been thinking about her lately. When she first came in the pool area she beckoned me with her gnarled finger and as I walked over to her she started scolding. She was disgusted with all the water that had been splashed around the pool, the mess of towels hanging on chairs, incensed that there was so much laugher and commotion going on, angry that there were children having fun in the pool – and all this at the young hour of 7:00 p.m.

The reason?

I wonder if it was because she didn’t have a family, had no joy, no celebrating a new birth, no pleasure in seeing little children squeal in delight when they watch their uncle do funny flips into the water. She had come at her appointed time – for 36 years she said – and expected to find a lonely, solitary pool waiting for her to swim and enjoy peace, alone.

I’ve been praying for that woman, praying that she might find some bit of pleasure in younger people, praying that she might learn to rejoice with those who rejoice. That she might learn to smile instead of frown, to laugh instead of squelching joy. One is the loneliest number and I pity those who decline to become a part of a family because it’s just too hard or simply inconvenient. Or perhaps simply given up because of the hurt that sometimes comes from family.

Yes, family is messy, unpredictable, chaotic, sometimes driving us crazy, and yet during other times leaning hard on each other. I thank God for all of you, our daughters, for encouraging Dad and me to persevere and for the joy that comes from being your parents.

Each one of you is going through God’s refining fire in your own lives. You all have your own stories of pain and joy, and I am proud that you are open to His work in your lives, even though it is not easy or what you would ever have chosen for yourselves. I pray that you will learn to thank God more and more for the man that He has entrusted you with. I know there are some days that you may feel like you have made a mistake in marrying your husband, but the best husband for you is the one you have right now.

You really have no idea what depths of companionship are available until you venture into those waters, and hang in there for many years. Besides, your own transformation is barely underway. Who knows all that God has in store for the both of you? ~ John Eldredge in Love and War

I would venture to say that at 39 years we are barely beginning to understand.

Love, Mom

Arranged Marriages

April 15, 2015 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

In our family we have always joked that Dad and I had an arranged marriage. Grandma Koopman invited him over to our house for dinner, made sure he was a part of our water skiing outings on the Snake River, had us sing duets together in church and generally encouraged the relationship significantly. Grandma Baar too played her part by buying me such thoughtful, practical gifts.

As in many courtships, he wasn’t the man I had in mind for a husband. He was too short and too old. I was looking for a guy at least 5 inches taller than me (I’m 5’ 10” and he was my exact height) plus he was five years older than me (at 19, a 24-year-old seemed terribly old.) But as I got to know Dad those physical characteristics didn’t matter much at all. Within 18 months we were married.

Did you know that in our world today, over half of all marriages occur between a man and woman who have never felt a bit of romantic love for each other? Teenagers in most parts of Asia and Africa take it for granted that their spouse will be chosen for them by their parents, just as we take for granted that we will fall in love with the man of our dreams. In our American culture, people tend to marry because they are attracted to another’s physical and other appealing qualities. Over time, however, these qualities will change. Our physical bodies, especially, will deteriorate when we age. It is inevitable that many unexpected surprises will surface. None of us really know the man that we marry. If the truth be known, we barely know much about ourselves. Stanley Hauerwas says:

We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being the enormous thing it is, means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is…learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.

Philip Yancey in his book Grace Notes, ponders how the “spirit of arranged marriages” might transform our mentality in the West. The partners in an arranged marriage do not center their relationship on mutual attractions. Because your parents have decided whom you will marry, you simply accept that you will live for many years with someone you have just recently met. Unlike the Western question of “Whom should I marry?” the question that now comes to the forefront is “Given this partner, what kind of marriage can we construct together?”

Many people who have been married for any length of time may think, Love shouldn’t be this hard; it should come naturally. But if we look at any other discipline in life, we notice that it takes work and practice. Would someone who wants to play professional golf say It shouldn’t be so hard to get that ball into a little hole 300 yards away? I have had many piano students who start lessons, and then a few years down the road quit because they remark It looked so easy, why is it taking so long to sound good?

There is nothing in life that comes easy, especially not loving our husbands. Marriage is a continual dying to ourselves and learning to put other’s needs before our own. Sometimes we may lament that we have married the wrong person. But keep in mind that we never marry the right person because the quest for perfect compatibility simply does not exist. Your marriage was not an accident, it was arranged by God and He will give you the strength to continue to love, forgive, and be good to your man. No, it will not be easy but it is certainly worth the time and effort that it takes.

Over the years you will definitely go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person you didn’t marry, someone who seems like a stranger to you. You will change, he will change. But the beauty of marriage is that God will give you the ability to face and adapt to whatever new circumstances may come your way.

I married a dairyman but that only lasted for 4 years. Dad then became a seminary student and eventually a pastor. It’s certainly not what I planned on or signed up for, but I have learned to love, and let me emphasize learned to love. It did not come easy, and neither did Dad’s love for me, especially when I became sick and could no longer live the active life that I once did.

As Denis de Rougemont so wisely said “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love…?” Raw, natural talent never made a pro golfer or an accomplished pianist. It takes endurance, discipline and plain old hard work to do anything well. But the good news it, it’s possible and it is worth it.

I love the promise in Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up.” God rewards the faithful and I rejoice as I witness the good that He is doing in all of your marriages.

Love, Mom

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 1:4

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdzve-iE2JA

The Long and Winding Road

April 1, 2015 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week Dad and I took a short day trip to Carmela Winery Restaurant in Glenns Ferry which is about 35 minutes away via the freeway. It was a beautiful day, sunny skies, warm, no wind. After lunch at the Winery we decided to take the old frontage road for a relaxing, scenic drive along the Snake River on the way home. According to the map, the road would wind around gently near the river all the way home.

Our map was not topographical (yes, we use old school maps at times) showing no elevations, and the road was described as improved. We figured that had to be a few steps above unimproved. Anyway, our path home started out in some beautiful farmland, emerald green alfalfa next to a beautiful newly plowed field of rich brown earth. The entrance near the field was complete with real metal cattle guards, not the fake painted-on guards that we have seen in many other places.

We decided to use Google Maps for more detail and it was guiding us well, leading us from the frontage road directly to Shoestring Road, the improved road. We came across the entrance sign to Shoestring that read: Road not maintained in the winter – 5 miles. No problem, it was 78 degrees and no winter weather in sight so we need not worry about maintenance. We wondered aloud why there weren’t more people enjoying this lovely scenic road.

After traveling about a half-mile on Shoestring we started going up the canyon. Suddenly the road got narrow, really narrow. Of course in Idaho there are rarely guard rails on gravel roads, but since Dad is a great driver I wasn’t a bit concerned for our safety. We’ve been on this type of road in years past so no big deal.

Then came the switchbacks, curving around one bend then another. We found that the canyon walls were steeper close up than seeing them from a safe distance below. Our speed was 20 mph, tops, but the view was beautiful. We did not see the river much, however, because other cliffs rose up in the way. So we simply enjoyed the tumbleweeds and sagebrush that were all around us.

We were chatting, I should say I was chatting about the tasty lunch we had enjoyed and how glad I was that we were out exploring on such a beautiful day, but I noticed that Dad was strangely silent. Then I noticed his white-knuckled hands and asked if his armpits were sweaty as well. Sure enough, he was tense and not enjoying the precarious journey nearly as much as I was.

On we went, up more steep grades, around another hairpin curve, the beauty of the river becoming quite scarce. For a second we thought about turning back, knowing that we were probably not even halfway through the 5 miles. Silly idea that was since there was barely enough room for one vehicle, much less a turnaround spot.

So, continuing on around yet another curve we glanced down and saw two cars that had fallen half way down the cliff, rusted and colorless, forever abandoned by some sad souls. Quickly dismissing that sight out of our minds we persisted on our way and finally summited the top of the canyon wall. Now we had only the descent, slowly and carefully.

In another 20 minutes we were safe and sound, driving over the rushing river and on to the long awaited treasured asphalt that was soon to follow.

Once we got home I was thinking about how our long and winding road today was a picture of marriage, my marriage and yours. It starts out in a beautiful green pasture, gradually gets more dangerous, sometimes one or both folks wondering if they should turn around or call it quits. It’s scary, and what makes it more so is seeing other marriages that have become rusty and fallen along the way.

But to those who persevere, to those who keep on loving, to those who “forgetting what is behind and strain toward what is ahead, pressing on toward the goal….” (Philippians 3:13), to those who believe that God can make something beautiful out of two deeply flawed human beings – on those God’s face will shine and cause love to grow. Love will grow, slowly, sometimes unperceptively but it will mature in strength and grace.

I remember one anniversary, I think it was around 27 or 28 years, I received an anniversary card from a good friend. On it she wrote “Thank you for showing God’s faithfulness in your marriage. It is such an encouragement to me.” This card came at a time during which my friend knew things were difficult between Dad and me so I was somewhat speechless. I had been complaining to her how Dad was being so uncooperative and just annoying me in all he did. What I didn’t understand at the time was that she admired us for continuing to work through the tough spots, continuing to keep our vows in spite of disagreements and frustrations.

When we look back along that long and winding road of our marriages we can see the growth and feel the bonds strengthening. We stand in awe, knowing how the years of commitment and faithfulness to God and to each other will indeed produce a harvest of love for generations to come.

Love, Mom

Men and Metal

December 17, 2014 / Shari Baar / 1 Comment

Dear Daughters,

Have you noticed that many guys have a love relationship with their trucks or cars? Men are often attached to the metal in their lives that is dependable and comfortable. Michael Gurian, who has studied extensively about the brain differences between boys and girls describes the brain biology behind this love of vehicles. “There is a biological tendency for men to seek a set of care objects that allow for brain rest and the pleasure of independent relationship without the stimulation of emotional conversation. A car is, not surprisingly, an object of choice for many men.”

Gary Thomas tells how he bonded with his work truck one summer – it was dependable, comfortable and gave him brain rest. “A car takes me where I want to go without asking me how I’m feeling. A car lets me yell at other drivers without saying ‘why are you so upset?’ My car is absolutely clear about its needs. I know if the gas tank is full, half empty, or almost completely empty. My car would never respond to my inquiry about how much gas remained in its tank with the words ‘You should know without me having to tell you.’” In short, a car lets a man’s brain rest.

We too need to let our husbands rest. He will not always want to talk when you do You will need to be patient and wait for your husband to give more of himself to you. A good healthy marriage happens by degrees. That’s why God created marriage to last a lifetime.

This man of yours is complex – he probably hardly knows himself – and it will take years to find the mystery, the beauty, the delight of who he is, not who you want him to be. If you are patient, if you resist the urge to try to force him into intimacy things will go much better for you in the long run. Let him have times of silence, some times of being alone.

I continue to revel in the fact that God deliberately created male and female radically different and it causes me to stand in amazement of His good plan. I think He must delight in those who continue to seek to be faithful and understand even in the midst of misunderstandings and thinking I must have been crazy to have married this guy.

Don’t expect to understand him. The bottom line is that we don’t have to be able to understand our husbands before we can love them. There are some things about them that will never make any sense, and just maybe they’re thinking the same thing about us.

I have learned that when something – anything – annoys me, the real problem is my annoyance. I used to think that I needed to change what bothered me, but I have finally come to realize that the problem is simply that I allow myself to be bugged by something that is not all that important. It’s my attitude that needs changing, not the circumstance. King Solomon once wrote

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding

holds his tongue.

Try to learn to celebrate the mystery of your man. Be a woman of understanding – learn how and when to communicate in such a way that your husband can fully participate and feel loved and accepted in the process.

You know how IRA’s work, right? You don’t deposit a check this year and expect it to double by next year. The value accrues over time, over a very long time. Mature love is like that. In order to have a good marriage you must be patient and willing to wait for love to blossom and grow. You must invest years, decades, waiting on God, waiting on your man, letting God change you. It takes time to move past romance to true love, committed love, but it is worth every bit of effort you are willing to give.

After 33 years of marriage I feel like I am just starting to know who Dad is. Today he gave me the most wonderful card ever – it said

I’m a better man because of you

and it made me cry. I wish I would have known how to be more patient, more willing to give him his space. For many years I expected him to be like me, but after years of learning, reading, and living, I see that I should have been more celebrative of who he was, not always wanting someone who was different than him. I see now the rewards of what years of faithfulness, commitment, forgiving, and praying for my husband has reaped, and I am thankful!

Love, Mom

Tag: Faithfulness (Page 1 of 2)

Turtle on a Fencepost

Boys will be boys….

Don’t Drop the Baton

Family Trees

The Lure of Ashley Madison

Efficiency…

Thirty-Nine Years

Arranged Marriages

The Long and Winding Road

Men and Metal

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