Dear Daughters,
There is a story of a woman and her son living in the midst of a famine. She was planning to bake the last loaf of bread out of the last bit of flour and oil that she had, then starve to death along with her son. About that time the prophet Elijah appeared, assured her that if she shared her last loaf of bread with him, her jug of oil and jar of flour would never run dry. She believed him and sure enough it was true. For several months she had enough flour and oil to make bread. 
Then one day her son became seriously ill and died. The widow became furious with Elijah and blamed him for the death of her son. Elijah went to the boy’s room and raised him from the dead. Suddenly joy returned to the widow and she said loudly “Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the Lord is true.” For months she had witnessed a miracle happening daily, but it was only when her son was raised from the dead that she finally, truly appreciated him.
This same scenario continues to happen in many marriages today. Many of us view our husbands in the same way. The good things that they do become commonplace and we no longer appreciate them. But when one weakness rears up, all the good things get blotted from memory.
On the first anniversary of the 9/11 attacks some interviews were taken with women who had been widowed on that tragic day. The first question asked was “What has changed about your perspective in the past year?” The first widow to speak said, “The thing I can’t stand is when I hear wives complain about their husbands. It would make my day if I walked into the bathroom and the toilet seat was left up.” There are a lot of annoying trivial things that we major on instead of focusing on the good that our husbands do. We need to focus on what our husbands have done instead of only what they haven’t done.
James 3:2 says
We all stumble in many ways.
It’s not just our husbands who stumble – we all stumble in many ways. We will always have disappointments with our men simply because they aren’t perfect. There was only one perfect man who walked this earth, and he never married. I know I had a prince charming in mind when looking for my husband, and of course I didn’t get him because there is no such thing. When you marry, you’re going to be sinned against, you’re going to be frustrated, and you’re going to be disappointed. That’s just real life. But if we want to influence our guys we need to appreciate them from our heart. 
A few years ago I saw the movie Fireproof and there was a line in there that really struck me. Caleb, the fireman, had just saved a little girl’s life and was hailed as a hero on the news. But he told a friend, “I’m a hero to everyone but my wife.” His wife could only see his flaws. In his work, people appreciated him, even lauded him as a champion. But at home his wife saw him as a dud. Every guy wants to feel noticed, special and appreciated. That puts him in a “moldable” mood. When he feels taken for granted, a mere suggestion of change will bring defensiveness and resentment.
I have a friend who is going through an dreadful divorce. The first time she told me about it she made it clear over several hours that the divorce was totally his fault. I simply listened. But about a month later we talked again and the other side of the story came out. She had recently read the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, was deeply convicted for how she had treated her husband, and was finally beginning to understand part of the reason he left. She told me her story with tears of regret, and how sorry she was now for how she had not respected him during the past 20 years. Of course, there was mutual disrespect in the marriage, which creates the perfect storm for broken vows.
Rule #1 for influencing your husband is simply this:
Stop taking your husband for granted.
For some guys this might be such a surprise that they may react with disbelief or even sarcasm when you start respecting them. But deep down it’s what a man craves – acceptance, gratitude and encouragement.
If a guy doesn’t receive respect, he will probably never change. In fact, if you sense that your husband is discouraged, passive, or seems to have an “escapist” mentality, you may be looking at a man who doesn’t feel loved, or respected. He’s simply coping, passing time – not truly living.
I have seen such good changes in Dad since I started intentionally loving, encouraging, and respecting him. We have the best talks, and more open sharing now than we have ever had. My only regret is that I didn’t start treating him with more respect 20 years ago so you girls could have had a better role model. But I will simply be thankful that I did learn it, and started practicing the fine art of loving now instead of never.
Love, Mom
Photo by Michelle Bogda
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