Musings on Marriage

Tag: Gifts

A Gift of Rags

Dear Daughters,

 My friend, Ann, always makes me laugh.  She is a storyteller extraordinaire, and somehow even sad stories end up funny when Ann is the narrator.

A few years ago in December, Ann prepared Christmas gifts for her and Ed’s employees, just as they do every Christmas.   She carefully placed each employee’s bonus and gift inside brown paper bags.  It is always Ed’s job to deliver the bags to the employees.  Strangely, after distributing all the bags, he had one leftover.  Ann knew she had the correct number of bags ready for Ed, so they were both curious and wondering how he ended up with an extra gift bag.

So, Ed decided to call each employee personally and ask if he had received his Christmas gift. Yes, the first guy received his, and the next and the next.  Finally he called the last guy, and his response was

What did I ever do to offend you?

Ed and Ann’s daughter worked in a beauty salon and periodically brought hair-dye stained rags home to her dad because he could always find a use for them in the barn.  Those rags were always brought home in a brown paper bag.   Apparently, Ed had picked up that bag of rags with all the others and …. well, you can figure out the rest of the story.

Ann and I laughed as she told me the story, but on the way home I got thinking about the bags of rags we give to each other at different times. 

About 15 years ago, you and your families were at our house for a Christmas celebration.  As our tradition has been for many years, every person has to hunt for one of their presents.  We are all given 10 clues and at the end of the search there is a gift to reward the searcher. 

Well, this particular year I successfully got to the end of my 10 clues and for whatever reason, the gift spot was empty.  Immediately the words came into my mind:

Yep, this is always your life.  You try hard, work hard, but there will never be any prize for you….

I put on a happy face and tried to laugh about it but inside I was weeping, hurt and trying not to believe those ugly words in my head.  I knew the empty spot was not left intentionally that way, but it was still empty and the words ricocheted through my mind.

To be fair, this happened during a year I was going through menopause, rejection from people I loved, and a chronic illness.  But whatever your back story is,  words and wounds in life – either perceived or actual – always hurt.

We have all received rag bags of ugly, stained words from those we love, and we have all given bags of rags to those we love.

I have given many rag bags to Dad over the years– words said in anger, frustration and sometimes bitterness.  Bags like

You always forget my birthday (yes, a few times he did)

or

 You have lists but you don’t ever do them (he does much of what is on his list but not always when I want him to do).

Some of the rag bags I have given to Dad have been deliberate, others have been unintentional.

And of course, it goes both ways. Dad has given me bags of rags as well, but since this blog comes from my perspective and not his I will refrain from speaking about those.

Because we live in a fallen world, offense comes often and it can be intense. We cannot predict or control what bags of rags we are given, but we are responsible for our reaction to them. 

We can believe those thoughts and words that are spoken and creep into our mind – we are worthless, unlovable and a failure, that all our efforts are useless and wasted,

Or

 We can choose to believe we are loved by God, a chosen, beautiful child of God.  When we fail, when we hurt, when we pray for better relationships we can believe He is for us and not against us.  He is always working for our good.  We can forgive and move on in our lives, knowing that Jesus always uses those hardships to make us stronger and more like Him. Tim Keller says it so well:

In some mysterious way, troubles and suffering refine us like gold and turn us, inwardly and spiritually, into something beautiful and great.

When Jesus came down to earth many centuries ago, He came directly into our rags of humanity.  The Roman Empire at that time was corrupt, brutal, dark, inhumane and heartless.  Interestingly, he didn’t start explaining the darkness and why it was there. He didn’t rail and condemn the Empire, He simply came into it (Immanuel – God with us) and showed us a way out.  He presented us with new life, a better way to live, the way of love even in the face of unjust tyrants and religious hypocrites. 

Kim Baar

When you are given a bag of rags, invite Jesus into it.  His specialty is making good come out of suffering, righting wrongs, making all things new, and above all –  teaching us to trust Him.  When we love freely, forgive abundantly, and give those bags of rags to Him, we will find joy, freedom and contentment.

The employee who received the bag of rags that long-ago Christmas? He still carries the offense around with him.  He hasn’t come to see it as an accident or even a humorous error from his employer.  Of course, his bag was replaced with the intended beautiful Christmas gift, but he still hangs on to the rags in his mind.

Remember, remember, you can always get rid of those bags of rags and trade them in for the Perfect gift.

Love, Mom

Ten Thousand Gifts

Dear Daughters,

Six years ago I read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The book was birthed because of a challenge from Ann’s friend to list 1,000 gifts that God had given her, gifts she already had.  Gifts that were around her every day, but she had forgotten to see.  What started as a difficult hunt for gifts turned out to be the most joy-filled assignment Ann had ever received.  In counting gifts –  blessings – she was able to turn from guilt, regrets and shame, while she watched her life transform into gratitude, delight and joy.

As you remember, I also took the challenge to count gifts, naming them one by one.  At the beginning it was easy, fun, and continually kept me on a treasure hunt.  But as my health disintegrated and I had to quit my teaching job, it became more and more difficult to list those gifts because I saw so little for which to be thankful.

Thankfully, Ann also wrote about the Hard Eucharisteo  – (the Greek word for giving thanks) when gratitude is difficult, when life doesn’t go your way, when you can’t understand the evil all around and within you.  During these past six years I have taken breaks from my gratitude journal, but out of necessity started writing again, thanking God for the beautiful but also – with tears – for the darkness, the uncertainty, and the disappointment I was facing.

I have filled six journals over the past six years, over 10,000 spaces filled with gifts from God.  There were days, for months at a time, I didn’t write, couldn’t write – or was it that I refused to be thankful for my heartache on some of those darkest days?  That I refused to believe God loved me and was walking with me through those times?

There were times in the past when I have begged God to let me die, nights when I was tempted to swallow down the whole bottle of Ambien because of the frustration of insomnia during the night and the relentless fatigue during the day.

Thankfully, God said no to my prayer for my life to end.  Through it all Dad was there to stay with me, listen to my wails, sometimes simply sit in silence and love me even though I seemed so unlovable and saw no reason for my continued existence.  His faithfulness and kindness helped to carry me through the months, and later the years of physical weakness.

Eventually, I started giving thanks once again, thankful I could still make meals, wash clothes, see and enjoy beautiful pumpkins in the field, geese flying through the sky, the laughter of children, the encouragement from friends and you – my daughters.

Later though I would dive again into the days filled with shadows, forget to give thanks, the gratitude journal diving to the bottom of my book pile, neither seen nor remembered.

Some days I would read the Psalms, and on the dark days one of my favorites was Psalm 13.  King David, the writer of this and many Psalms was brutally honest with his emotions.  He starts out by saying

How long, O Lord?

Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?…

Yep, that’s exactly how I felt – forgotten and hidden from God.  I had prayed for healing, but it didn’t come.  Day after day I lay on the couch, transferring to bed when darkness fell.  David continues:

…How long must I wrestle with my thoughts,

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death….

 It was comforting for me to know that David, a man after God’s own heart, was also depressed and discouraged at times.  And the amazing part is that God ordained David’s thoughts and emotions to be written, saved and recorded for generations later with which to identify.

During those dark days I loved those verses, feeling quite righteous in my feelings of being forgotten, neglected and abandoned by God.  I could wallow in my pity, figuring that God wouldn’t expect much from me simply because I seemed to be off His radar.

But now and again, I would reluctantly read the last few verses of that Psalm:

…but I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.

There were times I certainly didn’t trust, rejoice or sing because I didn’t believe He had been good to me, I believed the lie that He no longer cared.  I wondered how David could end up singing and trusting even though he had felt abandoned as well.  But if I was going to be honest and believe that the Bible is indeed true, I needed to finish reading that psalm, not just camp out on the verses about gloom and feelings of despair.

I found that if I spoke or sang those words out loud, hope would emerge again.  I would pull out my journal and scribble a few more lines of gratitude.  Joy would multiply – oh so slowly – but it started and I could see the possibility of a future that was good even though it didn’t happen according to my plans.

Here I am today, much better than what I was, yet still not where I would like to be.  Oh well, I will continue to trust in His unfailing love no matter what lies ahead of me.  I have seen His faithfulness in the past and will continue to trust Him for the future.

When your days are dark – sing, perhaps even weep through tears of grief – give thanks and know that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

And that is enough.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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