Musings on Marriage

Tag: Gratitude

Unoffendable

Did you know you can choose to be unoffendable?  Being offended is what comes natural, it’s our human default setting.  If someone makes us mad, or maybe just disagrees with us, our first impulse is to be offended. 

When I first heard of Brant Hansen’s book Unoffendable, I was offended.  I always thought it was good and healthy to be angry at some things – like sex trafficking, child pornography and civil rights abuses.  Sure, I know Jesus taught us to love others, forgive people who hurt us, be patient with those who irritate us.  But really, is that what he meant for every day?  Every time someone cuts me off in traffic, anyone who doesn’t agree with my political or religious views, people who take my innocuous comments as a reason for heated vitriol, others who are just plain mean? 

Today’s cancel culture teaches us – If you aren’t like me, if you disagree with me – I will cancel you out of my life and never speak to you again.

When I study the life of Jesus, I am amazed.  He never cancelled anyone.  Nor was He ever shocked or surprised at human behavior.  He knew that we are all basically selfish, He knew the fallen human heart was just that – fallen.  So maybe, just maybe we would do well to live the same way.  We all know what’s in our own heart so we can imagine every other person struggles with the same exact stuff.

Different details

            different day

                        different location

                                    different people,

but basically, we all skirmish with the same emotions as every other human on the planet.

Because I battle bitterness toward people who have hurt me, I imagine others do as well.  I struggle with forgiveness, so I know others also struggle when I hurt them.  When we can accept it as a fact – that people in general are self-centered, untrustworthy, unfaithful and prone to egocentricity – we need not be shocked any longer and can learn to adjust our expectations accordingly. 

Now this may sound quite pessimistic but we no longer have to be surprised at human behavior. If we simply remember that people will react in ways we don’t like, we can plan for it and choose a better way.  We can replace the shock and anger with gratitude.

Yes, the world is broken, but don’t be offended by it.  Instead, thank God that He’s intervened in it, and He’s going to restore it to everything it was meant to be.  Yes, the world is broken, and selfish is our default setting. Brant Hansen

It takes the miracle of a new heart to become unoffended.  We see anger in the grocery store and at the bank, rage on the roads and annoyance at home.  Offense seems to be the fashion, outrage the popular trend.  But to be perpetually shocked and offended at others is exhausting.  Brant suggests that we might start living with realistic expectations and choose to be the exception – to be those who are not offended.

So, what if we started being the exception?  The Beautiful Exception.

Imagine the results of speaking kindness after being insulted instead of shooting back words of the same.

Imagine the beauty when we pray prayers of intercession for our enemies instead of words of accusation.

Imagine the reaction if we searched and spoke of the good people do instead of highlighting the evil.

Imagine trusting God to take care of the people who have hurt us, to let Him do the work and mete out the justice we are incapable of giving.

Imagine if someone cuts you off in traffic and you choose to replace that shock and horror with gratitude, to forgive them and actually pray for them.

And then when a person generously lets you merge – give thanks.

Imagine when your UPS driver drops off a package, you open the door and shout out thank you!

Imagine your life becoming less stressful because you give up your right to anger and offense.

We need to remember, always remember when Jesus was reviled, spat upon and mocked, he never came back with similar words, but instead as he was hanging from the cross, prayed for his enemies,

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

And if Jesus lives in us, we have the power to forgive, to give thanks during difficult times and trust our Father to do what we cannot.

We draw people to Christ by not loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely, that they want to know with all their hearts the source of it. 

Madeleine L’Engle

And as Brant Hansen sums it up:

When we recognize our unsurprising fallenness and keep our eyes joyfully open for the glorious exceptions, we’re much less offendable.  Why?

Because that’s the thing about gratitude and anger: they can’t coexist.  It’s one or the other.

One drains the very life from you.  The other fills your life with wonder.

Choose wisely.

Let’s be the Beautiful Exception.

A Lesson from the Ants

Dear Daughters,

Have you ever seen an ant hill and watched all the busy little ants walking around, each of them carrying at least one grain of sand?  Now be sure that I am not an ant lover – oh no.  I think they are industrious and amazing, but I do not like them, especially in my house. 

I remember many decades ago, Uncle Steve somehow fell into a red ant pile, and his back was a mess of ant bites.  These were not the innocuous little black ants but big red fire ants.  His back was swollen and red for several days, so since then I have been careful to stay away from ant hills.

            Surprisingly, the Bible has an interesting section on learning from the ants:

Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones.

Learn from their ways and become wise!

Though they have no prince or governor or ruler to make them work,

They labor hard all summer,

Gathering their food for the winter.

Proverbs 6:6-7(NLT)

King Solomon, who probably wrote these words, was famous for asking God for wisdom.  He had many good workers in his kingdom but probably a few lazybones as well.  He also knew the story of the Israelites wandering around in the wilderness for 40 years, many of them being complaining lazybones. They had been slaves all their lives and didn’t know how to walk in freedom – which brings us to the next Wilderness Mentality Joyce Meyer has discovered from studying the book of Exodus:

Wilderness Mentality #2

Someone do it for me; I don’t want to take the responsibility

I’m sure you know people like this, and sometimes I even find myself desiring others to take the responsibility and do the difficult things for me.  Let’s face it, life is hard.  It’s hard to be responsible and go to work every day, loving people who are not lovable, keeping on keeping on.  It takes effort to plan ahead, store food for the winter, and care for your family.

But back to the tiny ants, did you know that an ant can lift something 50 times its weight?  That’s like me lifting one hippopotamus or seven cows, which is pretty crazy.  But these little creatures are busy and dedicated to gather their food and store it for the winter.  There are no bosses, no commanders or managers.  Yet each of them does what they were created to do – build tunnels and store food.  They don’t complain or grumble, they just see there is a job to be done and they do it.  Yes, it takes work, it takes time and sometimes people like me may unwittingly walk right on top of their hill of hard work, yet they just keep walking, fix up the mess and move on. How I would love to have the attitude of an ant. 

If you remember, the trip from Egypt to Canaan was only an 11-day trip, but it took the Israelites 40 years to make that short distance.  One reason for that long, wandering journey was their poor attitudes.  It amazes me that even though the Israelites saw the 10 plagues before they left Egypt, witnessed the Red Sea split in two so they could walk on dry ground, watched the manna (free food) fall every day – still they became complainers any time a problem came up.  You would think they would remember that God had always helped and provided for them in the past, so would learn to thank Him in advance for how He would provide for them again.  But no, they moaned and groaned, murmured and complained, wishing they were slaves back in Egypt.  Life was just too hard in this land of freedom…

It sounds familiar, doesn’t it?  Even though we see the faithfulness of God with the sun coming up every day, the beautiful seasons continually appearing each year, our abundance of food, clothing, jobs, and places to live, still we find things to complain about.  And often they are so silly and inconsequential – we have to wait in line at the grocery store, hit too many red traffic lights, and have to eat the same thing two days in a row.…   I am amazed at how patient God is to put up with our lack of gratitude and trust.

You may remember the verse,

If you bow low in God’s awesome presence,

He will eventually exalt you as you leave the timing in His hands.

Pour out all your worries and stress upon Him and leave them there,

 for He always tenderly cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-7 (TPT)

God has told us to pour out all our worries and stress on Him, yet he also desires us to be humble enough to be responsible to do the tasks set before us, to take responsibility like the ants do.  Each one carries its own load and works together with the other ants.  If someone crushes their home, they rebuild and move on.  They work humbly and responsibly.

There are many things in life that can be delegated.  Personal responsibility, however, is not one of them.  You are the only one who can take responsibility for your attitude and I’m the only one who can take responsibility for mine.  I’m not saying it’s easy or sometimes even desirable, but the Holy Spirit will give you the strength to be grateful and trusting, and God will bless your obedience. Remember all God has done in the past, His faithfulness, His provision, His care and His love for you.  His promises never fail.

Love,

Mom

Swimming Upstream

Dear Daughters,

Last week we went to Fish Ladder Park in downtown Grand Rapids.  It was a rare t-shirt day in November so we packed a picnic lunch and headed out for a homeschooling excursion. 

I’ve read about salmon swimming upstream to spawn and the cement ladders people have built for the salmon to get there when dams block the way, but I had no idea there was a ladder so near our home.

God blessed salmon with an extraordinary sense of smell imprinted from their birth, so they are compelled to go back to their location of origin in order to spawn the next generation.  But in order to do so they need to swim upstream for at least 150 miles.  Yes, they’re fish and made to swim, but swimming upstream?  Those persistent little creatures certainly do not take the easy way.

Swimming upstream.  

What does that look like in our society today?

 When I arrived home from that pleasant afternoon at the fish ladder, I got thinking about how easy it is to go with the flow.  It’s easy to join in the clamor, the quick judgments of Fake News or Not So Fake News (who can tell the difference?) the name-calling, the slander, the accusations and all the volatile words flying around in our society.  It’s no effort at all to join in the belligerent choir against everyone who disagrees with us.  Yet,

Call out culture is exhausting.

What if we spent more time catching people doing good and less time finding fault?

says Scott Sauls

Catching people doing good.  Hmmm… that certainly takes more effort than to criticize and complain, and I think it would definitely be considered swimming upstream in our world today.  Living is difficult, and by looking at our current situation it may not get easier any time soon.  Because of the constant barrage of media and talking heads I know sometimes it’s tough catching people doing good, but to choose between a pandemic of finding fault and a pandemic of catching people doing good, I will choose the latter.

Swimming upstream in our culture also means giving thanks.  During this season when a pandemic of ingratitude and yet another lockdown has arrived in Michigan, it’s so easy to concentrate on what we have lost, what we lack, and the frustration that accompanies so many disappointments. There is much heartache, sickness, loneliness and boredom with yet another Zoom meeting, putting on the masks, social distancing… 

Yet we still have so much, and we can choose gratitude in the midst of all the newest executive orders accompanied by the slander and indictments all around.  Giving thanks has always been the more difficult way – the swimming upstream way – but it’s also the only way to receive joy. 

I pulled out my gratitude journal again last week.  I had been verbally giving thanks to God as a daily spiritual discipline, but writing out one gift after another with pen in hand seems to be more permanent.  I tend to forget what I say with my mouth, but when writing one word after another, my gratitude journal becomes a book of remembrance.   Remembering all the good gifts I enjoyed yesterday, last week, the month before, the year before, and even decades before.  We can still give thanks for

hot oatmeal in the morning

the aroma of baking squash in the oven

feeling the grief of death

being able to talk with friends on the phone if not in person

a walk down the lane

opening up a green and red Christmas decoration box

listening to a friend’s sadness

singing a song

remembering the promises and love of Jesus that are the same yesterday, today and forever

I wonder if those salmon swimming up stream ever fear that they may not make it to their birthplace in order to spawn?  Since I haven’t studied the emotional fears of fish who swim upstream, I can’t say for sure but one thing I imagine is that they keep their eyes on the end goal.  To bring new life to yet more salmon.

What is our goal?  I don’t know about yours, but my goal is to become more like Jesus, that my character will be formed by His Spirit and that I will grow and produce the fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control.  In order to cultivate that fruit I will have to swim upstream and away from the current cultural pandemics of fear, ingratitude, and finding fault.

Swimming upstream is certainly more challenging than floating down with the crowds, but if God gave lowly salmon the desire and ability to go upstream, won’t He also give us the strength to be a light in a dark world by swimming upstream in a world of despair?

Love, Mom

One Thousand Gifts

Dear Daughters,

The most life-changing book I’ve ever read is One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  She writes about how God has extravagantly showered you and I with gifts – every day of our lives.  Never before had I read someone who was so vulnerable, sharing her insecurities, doubts, anxieties, depression, disappointment with God and her fierce struggle to find joy in everyday living.  As I read, I felt a kinship with her and was ready to learn whatever it was that had transformed her to become honest, bold and joyful. 

 Ann’s friend had challenged her to make a list of a thousand things she loves – 1,000 gifts.  She started that very day to chronicle the simple gifts of life – jam on toast, the cry of a blue jay, wool sweaters with turtleneck collars – and became surprised by the joy that naming these gifts created in her.  Joy that had eluded her for years now appeared through the simple act of thanksgiving. 

Because joy had been eluding me as well, I bought a journal and started writing down gifts, not gifts that I want, but gifts God has already given me.  Looking for gifts and writing them down in detail felt like I was on a quest for beauty – something I had never done before.  I too was surprised by joy springing up in my heart.  I became more aware of the beauty in our home, in the surrounding countryside, the people in my life. I started thanking God for the little things: my ten fingers, the energy to fold laundry, tulips in bloom, melted butter on my broccoli.  I found I couldn’t name just three a day – it became five, ten, sometimes more – simply because it brought such delight that I hadn’t realized had been missing in my ife.  It was easy to find and write down so many good gifts ….for many months.

Then came what Ann calls the hard Eucharisteo (the Greek word for thanks).  It’s easy to give thanks when things are going well, when my plans are moving forward and life is pleasant.  But when illness comes to visit, when relationships unfurl, when everywhere we turn we see envy, greed and bitterness, the most expected behavior in the world is to slip down into the hole of self-pity and start believing the lies that snake into our minds.

God is good when life is good,

but He must be mad at me because now life is bad.

He loves other people more than me

I’m never good enough

Why try?  Everything I do fails…

I’m just a has-been

God has abandoned me…

A woman of wisdom, Ann writes:

There can be a lying snake curled between your neural membranes

and his lies can run poison in your veins.

I’ve experienced that poison in my veins, and it produces heaviness, despair and hopelessness.  When I focused on those lies that crept in my mind and not on the truth of God’s goodness, life didn’t seem worth living. 

So in the midst of my anguish – when yet another move with the all too familiar sight of mountains of boxes around me, a body not functioning like I had hoped and the failing of key relationships – I went back and read One Thousand Gifts again in order to remember. I found that I struggle with soul amnesia, as Ann names it.  Forgetting the fact that God is good, in the times of sunny skies as well as those days of clouds and darkness.  Even though the sun is not shining for me to see, it’s still there behind the clouds. 

When I finished reading the book a third time, I read it again – I had to for survival.  And I kept writing in my gratitude journal.  Many days I would write through the midst of tears and grief, because I had to be reminded that God is good even though life is hard.  I was on a pursuit of things to be thankful for, even during the time of life I would have never scripted for myself.

Joy is always a function of gratitude –

and gratitude is always a function of perspective.

When I finally asked God for perspective, with eyes to believe that He does work all things together for good, then joy returned.  It was a sometimes slow and arduous process, but gratitude always reaps joy.

If we are going to change our lives, we’re going to have to change the way we see.  This recording our gratitudes, this looking for blessings everywhere, this counting of gifts – this is what changes what we are looking for.  This is what changes our perspective.  Thanksgiving is the lens God means for us to see joy all year round.         

Ann Voskamp

Giving thanks toward the end of November is good, but God never meant for us to imprison thanksgiving for only a season.  As is it written in Psalm 100,

Enter His gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;

Give thanks to Him and praise His name.

For the Lord is good and His love endures forever,

His faithfulness continues through all generations.

Without the daily habit of giving thanks, I would be a puddle on the floor.

Love, Mom

The Mystery of Rain

Dear Daughters,

It’s been a rather dry summer here in Michigan.  Many farmers in the area do not own pivots or other irrigation equipment because rain is typically predictably present in the summer.  If Western Michigan doesn’t get rain for about three weeks we consider it a minor drought.  And so it has been – very little rain, very short corn and disappointing harvests.

A few nights ago we received a 2-inch rain for which many people rejoiced.  Most of us don’t even water our lawns here, so everything was looking a bit brown and dry.  But after the rain our world suddenly turned green and lush – which is what Michigan is used to.  I listened to it fall gently outside the window as I lay in bed last night.

The rain brought to mind an article I read a few years ago by John Piper about an interesting verse in the book of Job:

He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. 

 He bestows rain on the earth; He sends water upon the countryside.  Job 5:9-10

Rain?  Really?  I had never before considered that rain was a wonder and a miracle.

In the past I had experienced rain to be too much of a good thing.  Because I grew up in the much drier West,  rain – in my opinion –  often hindered planned activities like weddings, open houses, and picnics.

While living in Kansas we learned to measure rain not by inches or tenths, but by hundredths.  Most people dry farmed, so rain was the only moisture available for the crops and every hundredth was celebrated.

Anyway…have you ever considered rain to be a wonder and a miracle?  If not, read on……

Think of how it was in the Middle East thousands of years ago.  There were no irrigation pipes or pivots, plus the people were far from any lake or stream.  If the crops were to grow and the family to be fed, water would have to come from the sky.

So, how does water come out of the clear blue sky?  It would have to be carried from the Mediterranean Sea over several hundred miles, then be poured onto the field.  So how heavy is rain?  If one inch of rain falls over one square mile of farmland we are talking 206,300,160 gallons, which equates to 1,650,401,280 pounds of water (that’s over one billion pounds of water.)

Now how does more than 200 million gallons of water get up into the air to be transported?  Evaporation – when water quits being water for a while and rises up into clouds so it can come down as rain.

So it goes up, now how does it get down?  Condensation happens when the water starts becoming water again by gathering around little dust particles between .00001 and .0001 centimeters wide.  That’s really small.

Also, if you remember, the Mediterranean Sea is salt water, which would ruin the crops if it came down as salt rain.  So somehow the salt comes out of the evaporated water during that 300-mile journey where it gets dumped on the farm.

Now what would happen if a billion pounds of water just dumped onto the square mile farm?  All the wheat would be crushed and ruined.  So the rain comes down in tiny little droplets.  The drops need to be big enough not to evaporate as they fall the mile or so from the clouds, but small enough to keep from crushing the wheat.

Wow.

Now I understood why Job wrote that rain is a wonder and a miracle.

If our amazing God has made such a seemingly ordinary happening as rain to be a remarkable miracle, what love and creativity has he visited upon human beings – those He has fearfully and wonderfully fashioned in His image?  And if we as human beings are so complex and intricately created, how He must tenderly value relationships, marriage, and the keeping of vows between a man and a woman for life?

For several years I have been keeping a gratitude journal (thank you Ann Voskamp) but during the past few months I have neglected it.  As I pondered the wonder of rain, I pulled the journal out again to keep on recording those everyday miracles that happen every minute of the day.

The howling wind outside the window

The dazzling starry starry night as I take my walk down the darkened lane

The stunning beauty of candy stripe beets


The joy of being in Western Michigan for the summer

Moss on the rooftop

Visitors for afternoon tea

Sweet, sweet sleep

A sliver of a moon

The apple orchards across the street

Asparagus fields gone to seed

Ivy climbing up the trees

Lunch with my beautiful daughters

The indescribable patience of Jesus

Lovely hydrangeas

Mushrooms at the Pentwater Farm Market

Freshly mown hay

I have learned that if I don’t give thanks for the little things in my life, I will criticize.

If I don’t focus on what God has given, I will ponder upon what He has not given.

If I don’t go out every day and take a walk, searching for the beauty and wonder around me, I will find something to complain about.

Jim Elliot (the missionary who was murdered in Ecuador in 1956 at age 28) wrote with such wisdom:

A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations.  There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much.  She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.  Accept positively and actively, what is given.  Let thanksgiving be the habit of your life.

I encourage you, my daughters, to keep on giving thanks for the little things, the small everyday gifts in your life.  Lift your eyes to the beauty all around you, and consider the goodness of the Lord Jesus Christ and His immense compassion and artistry.  Give thanks, even in the hard to give thanks times, trusting that He will work out all things for your benefit.

And always give thanks for the rain.

Love, Mom


 

 

 

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