Musings on Marriage

Tag: Idaho

Farewell to Idaho

Dear Daughters,

            Once again I am in the middle of boxes, piles, decisions, and emotions.  Boxes of things to be thrown out or given away, piles of memories to be sorted through, decisions of what goes where, and emotions scattered all across the landscape. 

            After living for almost six years in the beautiful state of Idaho, learning to be caretakers for Grandma and Grandpa and sitting with them as they took their final breaths, we are almost packed up and ready to move back to Michigan.  It’s difficult to leave after finding new friends, renewing ties with so many relatives, and experiencing the many challenges connected with the end of the precious lives of my parents. 

            Even though we have moved over 10 times in our marriage, it never gets easier.  I have said hello and good-bye to more friends than I can remember, and every time there are tears of farewell, tears of remorse for what I have lost, a breaking heart for what could have been and wasn’t.

            I guess I could have chosen not to love.  Not to open my heart to new friends, new experiences, a different culture and landscape. But that alternative doesn’t look at all pleasant to me.  Because I dislike the grief of saying that dreaded word good-bye, perhaps I should simply say,

            God be with you till we meet again.

            As CS Lewis wrote many years ago:

            To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  To love is to be vulnerable.   

            So we leave with heavy hearts, joy-filled hearts, broken hearts and hearts full of anticipation to what God has in store for us in Michigan.  It will be lovely to live near all of you our daughters and families, while at the same time looking forward to friends we will  come to know and love as well.

            I am reminded of the beauty and struggle of faithfulness, highlighted in marriage, as we prepare to move.  Though Dad and I have had arguments during the process of this move – differing opinions of what stays what gets thrown away and what comes with us, we fought for love, for understanding and for grace – a battle not easily won, but so worth the fight.

            The rugged beauty of Idaho parallels my emotions throughout the years we’ve spent here.  There are dry dusty deserts, high beautiful mountains, lush fertile valleys, slow snaking rivers alongside brilliant cascading waterfalls, all typically accompanied by azure blue skies.

            There have been times I’ve felt dry and desolate as I watched Grandpa and Grandma fail and eventually breathe their last …

The mountaintop times of celebrating new friendships and then loss as I’ve watched those same friends move away…

Learning to trust God in the valleys, walking through previously uncharted territory when dealing with dementia in Grandma, becoming a mother figure to my own mom…

The simple pleasures of picking grapes, blackberries, apples, plums, cherries and roses all because of Grandpa’s vision of planting a small twig of a tree or a grapevine knowing someday it would yield a bountiful harvest…

Watching the careful pruning Grandpa would always do in his garden, knowing that old wild vines and overgrown trees would never grow beautiful fruit.  They had to be trimmed, the old limbs cut off till it sometimes looked as if they were hopelessly dead, yet in just a little while new green shoots and leaves would be flourishing…

So much to learn in this cycle of life, of living, growing and dying – yet, all the while knowing that Jesus is walking ahead of us, a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path, leading the way he has planned for us to go.

            God is good and His will is that we live responsibly today and trust Him for tomorrow.  It’s hard, it hurts, but I know it’s the only way that will bring joy.  So, to my dear friends I’m leaving in Idaho and have yet to meet in Michigan,

            May the road rise to meet you,

            May the wind be always at your back

            The sun shine warm upon your face

            The wind blow soft upon your fields.

            And until we meet again,

             May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

                                                (The Old Irish Blessing) 

Love, Mom

The Long and Winding Road

Dear Daughters,

Last week Dad and I took a short day trip to Carmela Winery S & PRestaurant in Glenns Ferry which is about 35 minutes away via the freeway.  It was a beautiful day, sunny skies, warm, no wind.  After lunch at the Winery we decided to take the old frontage road for a relaxing, scenic drive along the Snake River on the way home.  According to the map, the road would wind around gently near the river all the way home.

Our map was not topographical (yes, we use old school maps at times) showing no elevations, and the road was described as improved.  We figured that had to be a few steps above unimproved.  Anyway, our path home started out in some beautiful farmland, emerald green alfalfa next to a beautiful newly plowed field of rich brown earth. Green The entrance near the field was complete with real metal cattle guards, not the fake painted-on guards that we have seen in many other places. Guard

We decided to use Google Maps for more detail and it was guiding us well, leading us from the frontage road directly to Shoestring Road, the improved road.  We came across the entrance sign to Shoestring that read: Road not maintained in the winter – 5 miles.  No problem, it was 78 degrees and no winter weather in sight so we need not worry about maintenance.  We wondered aloud why there weren’t more people enjoying this lovely scenic road.Shoestring

After traveling about a half-mile on Shoestring we started going up the canyon.  Suddenly the road got narrow, really narrow.  Of course in Idaho there are rarely guard rails on gravel roads, but since Dad is a great driver I wasn’t a bit concerned for our safety.  We’ve been on this type of road in years past so no big deal.

Then came the switchbacks, curving around one bend then another.  We found that the canyon walls were steeper close up than seeing them from a safe distance below.  Our speed was 20 mph, tops, but the view was beautiful.  We did not see the river much, however, because other cliffs rose up in the way.  So we simply enjoyed the tumbleweeds and sagebrush that were all around us.Road (3)

We were chatting, I should say I was chatting about the tasty lunch we had enjoyed and how glad I was that we were out exploring on such a beautiful day, but I noticed that Dad was strangely silent.  Then I noticed his white-knuckled hands and asked if his armpits were sweaty as well.  Sure enough, he was tense and not enjoying the precarious journey nearly as much as I was.River (3)

On we went, up more steep grades, around another hairpin curve, the beauty of the river becoming quite scarce.  For a second we thought about turning back, knowing that we were probably not even halfway through the 5 miles.  Silly idea that was since there was barely enough room for one vehicle, much less a turnaround spot.

So, continuing on around yet another curve we glanced down and saw two cars that had fallen half way down the cliff, rusted and colorless, forever abandoned by some sad souls.  Quickly dismissing that sight out of our minds we persisted on our way and finally summited the top of the canyon wall.  Now we had only the descent, slowly and carefully.

In another 20 minutes we were safe and sound, driving over the rushing river and on to the long awaited treasured asphalt that was soon to follow.

Once we got home I was thinking about how our long and winding road today was a picture of marriage, my marriage and yours.  It starts out in a beautiful green pasture, gradually gets more dangerous, sometimes one or both folks wondering if they should turn around or call it quits.  It’s scary, and what makes it more so is seeing other marriages that have become rusty and fallen along the way.Falls (2)

But to those who persevere, to those who keep on loving, to those who “forgetting what is behind and strain toward what is ahead, pressing on toward the goal….” (Philippians 3:13),  to those who believe that God can make something beautiful out of two deeply flawed human beings – on those God’s face will shine and cause love to grow.  Love will grow, slowly, sometimes unperceptively but it will mature in strength and grace.

I remember one anniversary, I think it was around 27 or 28 years, I received an anniversary card from a good friend.  On it she wrote “Thank you for showing God’s faithfulness in your marriage.  It is such an encouragement to me.”  This card came at a time during which my friend knew things were difficult between Dad and me so I was somewhat speechless.  I had been complaining to her how Dad was being so uncooperative and just annoying me in all he did.  What I didn’t understand at the time was that she admired us for continuing to work through the tough spots, continuing to keep our vows in spite of disagreements and frustrations.Waterfall

When we look back along that long and winding road of our marriages we can see the growth and feel the bonds strengthening.  We stand in awe, knowing how the years of commitment and faithfulness to God and to each other will indeed produce a harvest of love for generations to come.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

Boxes, Bins, Barrels and Totes

October 27, 2014

Dear Daughters,

Once again I am in the middle of stacks, piles, decisions, and emotions. Stacks of things to be thrown out or given away, piles of memories to be sorted through, decisions of what goes where, and emotions which are scattered all across the landscape.Road (2)

After living for 27 years in the beautiful state of Michigan, enjoying being near you and all your families, we are leaving to return to Idaho, as you know.  Though we are growing old, Grandpa and Grandma, both in their eighth decade, are growing older, and needing us to help care for them.

So we leave, with heavy hearts, joy-filled hearts, broken hearts and hearts full of anticipation to what God has in store for us.  Having only been caretakers for our children and grandchildren at the beginning of their lives, caring for parents near the culmination of their lives will be a new adventure.

Dad and I have been reading through the book The Spirituality of Caregiving by Henri Nouwen during the past week.  The opening thought of the book took me by surprise.  The word care finds its root in the word kara which means “to lament, to mourn, to participate in suffering, to share in pain.”  Even though we have done all those things at various times and in countless ways with  many of our family and loved ones in our lives already, this chapter will be totally different.SnakeRocky

I am reminded of the beauty of faithfulness, especially in marriage, as we prepare to move.  Though Dad and I have had struggles in our marriage we fought for love, for understanding and for grace – a battle not easily won, but so worth the fight.  Because we have learned to care for each other our bonds have become strong,  so we will be able to be a united front in caring for my parents, whose bonds have also become stronger over their 64 years together.  They too have been through hardships – the death of a son, physical limitations, and the everyday strains and pulls of life.

God only knows how long any of our lives will be, but as we continue learning to forgive, sharing in each other’s pain, trusting God to teach us His ways, we will become faithful as He is faithful.  We, as a family, have actually been caregivers, according to the definition above.  We have suffered with, we have lamented, we have mourned each other’s losses, we have shared our pain as a family.  So we have all learned to care.  I thank all of you for allowing us to lament, grieve, rejoice and share your pain.  We will continue to do so, yet now it will be from a distance.

As we prepare to leave we grieve, we mourn, we question why.  This weekend, as we spent our last time together as a family for many months, it was so hard.  It was wonderful to be with you all, to watch the little ones play, the older ones becoming so grown-up, the teasing, laughter and celebration with food.  But then came the good-byes….. for now.  My heart was breaking, tears streaming down our faces and I wondered “Are we doing the right thing?”  For many years I thought that doing the right thing would feel good.  But I have had to learn that doing right sometimes hurts.  Jesus obeyed his Father perfectly and it hurt him.  Can I expect any less?

God is good and His will is that we live responsibly today and trust Him for tomorrow.  It’s hard, it hurts, but I know it’s the only way that will bring joy.  So, my dear daughters,

 

            May the road rise to meet you,

            May the wind be always at your back

            The sun shine warm upon your face

            The wind blow soft upon your fields.

            And until we meet again,

            May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

(The Old Irish Blessing)

FallNMI

Love, Mom

           

 

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