Musings on Marriage

Tag: Jesus Christ

Family Trees

 

Dear Daughters,

            As you know, we have relatives of whom we are proud and those we would rather keep hidden.  Amazingly, Jesus had the same type of family tree except that he wasn’t ashamed of them.  I find it fascinating that before the birth of Jesus is ever mentioned in the book of Matthew, we find a rather lengthy, boring to most, genealogy.  God’s history with His people has always been one of openness.  There have never been any secrets with Him

In a classic Jewish genealogy women were not included, they were not deemed important enough.  Remarkably in Jesus’ there were four women included.  Not your good, upright and noble women, but women of shame.  He was not consumed with the purity of His pedigree, but in the extreme value of every person on that list.  There was Tamar, who disguised herself as a prostitute to trick her father-in-law into sleeping with her as a way of seeking justice from him, Rahab a prostitute from Jericho, Ruth, a foreigner, and Mary with an unplanned pregnancy.Barn

In Jesus’ lifetime a person’s genealogy was similar to our resumes today.  It gave a person validation, credentials.  As in any resume, we all tend to expand on our best accomplishments and omit our worst failures.  The ancients would typically feature ancestors who would hold them in high esteem, but leave out those of whom they were ashamed.  Herod the Great, a King of long ago, destroyed his genealogy because he found it too embarrassing.  But Jesus included these women in His because in God’s eyes there are no little people, no one who is below the grace of God, no one of whom to be ashamed.

Today I was looking through the homemade book My Life written by your great-grandma Vandermeer.  It is a weighty book of genealogy that she spent decades compiling.  The cover is thick heavy leather which she personally handcrafted.  I still remember all her leather tools in a wooden box, watching her design the intricate artwork.Mylife

I must admit that it was both interesting and embarrassing to read a bit of my heritage.  In our long ago family there were pioneers who came to the West in wagon trains, a prince, a woman who poisoned her husband at lunch, a poet, alcoholics, a missionary, a Singer Sewing Machine salesman, those who committed suicide – basically the typical menagerie that every family inherits.Greatestgift

The coming of Christ was right through families of messed-up monarchs and battling brothers, through affairs and adultery and more than a feud or two, through skeletons in closets and cheaters at tables.  It was in that time of prophets and kings, the time of Mary and Joseph, that men were in genealogies and women were invisible.  But for Jesus, women had names and stories and lives that mattered.

             ~ Ann Voskamp

 

The family tree of Jesus includes women who felt like outsiders, women who had been hopeless, who felt invisible and forgotten, women who had been close to giving up on life, those who were unappreciated and dismissed.  You know of anyone who’s ever felt like that?

I remember when I was 16 and first driving by myself, wondering if cars would see me because I often felt invisible.  At times I would be amazed that people would wait for me to make a turn before they drove on.  I know that sounds silly, but that was a time in my life that I did not feel important or even visible.  I imagine the fact that I was tall, skinny and awkward, plenty of zits, braces and shy had something to do with it.

The centuries seem not to have changed much for women.  Today many of us feel the same, our society lauding women more for their bodies and outward beauty than their hearts and those deep desires within.

Last month Christie Hefner was honored by the YWCA with the outstanding leader Trailblazer’s Award.  Somehow I found it interesting that she would receive such a prestigious award when most of her life has been promoting the beauty of other women’s naked bodies, seemingly not so concerned with the value of the hopes and dreams of their hearts.

Jesus attracted prostitutes, but not to use them.  He saw their longing to be known and loved for who they were, not for what they looked like.  He valued them, gave them hope, forgiveness and a restored life.

Tamar and Rahab had both been used by men over many years.  Tamar, who had been lied to and tricked by her father-in-law decided to take justice in her own hands and was able to convict him for his wrong.  Rahab, living in a godless place with a godless past, believed in the God of the Jews around her and eventually became the Great-grandmother of the great King David.Bouquet (2)

Other women mentioned in Jesus’ lineage were humble women, those who lived their lives doing the tedious things.  In the middle of this boring genealogy we have wonderful stories of God’s grace breaking into shamed women.  Ruth, a woman whose husband had died, decided to help out her mother-in-law, who had also lost her husband.  She gleaned in the fields of wheat and was noticed by the richest guy in town, who just happened to marry her.  She became King David’s grandmother.

Mary, the mother of Jesus was also considered boring by today’s standards, doing the humble things in life that a typical Jewish teenager did – cook meals, wash the laundry, care for younger children, clean house – until the day an angel came to her, saying that she would become the mother of the Messiah.  Now this sounds quite exciting until you think of what the village people might have said.  “Sure, the Holy Spirit made you pregnant?  Really?  You think we’re going to believe that, you whore.  You know what happens to girls who get pregnant when they’re not married.”  Mary was shamed, her life totally disrupted as she was going about her predictable life.Nativity

God disrupts our lives as well.  We may have a plan, but God’s is usually different – and always better.  We all play an important part of a much larger story.  Tamar, Ruth, Rahab, and Mary were all outcasts at one time or another, rejected, ridiculed, used, and seemingly forgotten.  But God in His amazing mercy brought each of these women into an important part of His Story.  He is a specialist at rewarding the humble, raising up the rejected.

Jesus is delighted when each of us does our job faithfully, carefully and humbly.  Every repetitive task we perform with gratitude to God is accepted as an offering, an honoring of our Savior.  Every diaper we change, each question we answer with kindness, the clients we treat with respect, each meal we prepare, every word of encouragement we speak reflects the love of Jesus.

When we love our husbands, God is pleased.  When we forgive and persevere when we would rather leave, God is pleased.  He loves faithfulness and will reward it in His time.  When we read all the stories of how God loves women, we know that His love for us is the same.  Our small stories of humble lives are being worked into His grand story and one day we shall see the whole story and marvel.Fallflowers

Lean on Him.  Trust Him.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

The Greatest Gift For Him

 

Dear Daughters,

When I was dating Dad I was so excited when my birthday, Valentine’s Day, or Christmas came along because he always got me the greatest gifts.  Once it was a beautiful piece of luggage (he knew I was soon to take a trip to California.)  Another time it was a smaller piece of luggage matching the first, then a necklace…Flowers (2)

Well, when we got married, all that gift giving stopped.  I didn’t figure it out or ask about it at first, but over the months when the gifts had become rare I asked Dad why things had changed so much after we married.  I was hurt and did not feel as loved anymore.  No gift equals no love, right?  Then the truth came out.  His mom had been the gift-buyer while he had been single, now it was up to him and during his many hours of work he just never thought about it.

Did he love me any less?  I don’t think so, but in my heart it felt as if love was waning.

The reason for the lack of gifts was simple enough, but that knowledge of why didn’t take care of my hurt and feeling of rejection.  I had some expectations from Dad and they weren’t being fulfilled the way I thought they should be.   Ann Voskamp has so wisely said Expectations kill relationships.Brush

When we expect our husbands to satisfy us, make us happy, fill the emptiness in our souls, we are setting ourselves up for a disastrous marriage.  All humans are leaky buckets, sieve-like vessels, holey jars – however you want to say it.  We all run out of love quickly and completely on our own.  We simply cannot fill another’s soul with our own love, and when we expect our husbands to fill our souls with their love it’s just not going to work.LoveWar (2)

In Love and War John Eldredge  says it so well:

The human heart has an infinite capacity for happiness and an unending need  for love, because it is created for an infinite God who is unending love.  The desperate turn is when we bring the aching abyss of our hearts to one another with the hope, the plea, `Make me happy.  Fill this ache.’  And often out of love  we do try to make one another happy, and then we wonder why it never lasts.

Our husbands are not capable of giving us the love that our hearts and souls desire, and we’ll be terribly disappointed if we insist they try.  Every woman has an insatiable need for relationship.  Every man aches for affirmation, to know that he has what it takes to make a relationship work.  There is an intense fear of failure in all of us when we rely on ourselves for the love we need to make a marriage work.

I have talked to many women about marriage and they all have said that they are, in one way or another,  disappointed with their marriage.  It’s ok to admit that.  Most likely your husband is disappointed as well.  There’s no way that we can possibly be enough for each other.

Early in our marriage I complained about how Dad did things,  I tried to change him to be more like me,  I gave guilt trips.   Nothing worked even though I was an amazingly proficient fault finder and constant corrector.  One day he finally said to me “I’m never good enough, am I?  You’re just never satisfied.”  And it was true.  I never could be satisfied because I was looking to him to make me happy and he was not capable of doing that.  As a young 20-something, what did I know about love?  Not much.

In time I learned that the greatest gift you can give your husband and your marriage is to develop a real relationship with Jesus Christ.  You need to have someone to turn to when you’re hurt.  You need comfort and understanding for the healing of your own brokenness.   And you need that Person to be available 24 hours a day.  Your husband can’t do all that for you, nor can you do all that for him.  In Psalm 62:1 David says: “My soul finds rest in God alone.”Tulips (2)

God is the deepest, truest love that you are longing for and He shows you in so many ways that He loves you.  You can see it in the beauty of creation, the fresh alfalfa fields, a beautiful sunset, snowflakes melting on your tongue, the warm sunshine on your face, the songs of birds and the ears to hear them.

The most important prayer you can ever pray is to simply say: “God, open my eyes to your love.  Draw my heart to you, and teach me to love like You love.”

We are all leaky buckets looking for a waterfall that never ends.  And that waterfall is Jesus Christ, the Living Water.  David Wilcox sings about it so vividly in his song  Break in the Cup.

            We cannot trade empty for empty

            We must go to the waterfall

            For there’s a break in the cup that holds love…

            Inside us all.WaterfallJohn

 

When I depend on God’s love to fill me up, (and I need to be filled again every morning) I can love Dad much better because I don’t feel the need to change or control him.

You too, will find so much more joy in your marriage once you stop looking to your husband to make you happy and instead look to your Creator, the maker of your soul.

Love, Mom

 

 

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPeVIuRjUi4

 

 

 

 

 

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