Dear Daughters,
A few months ago I was driving to church in the dark, about 12 miles from our home. The speed limit is 50, meaning most people go at least 55 and often 60. I was going along at a decent pace, when about three miles from my destination another vehicle pulled out from a side road going an acceptable speed. But immediately she pulled back to 35 mph. I was irritated and wondering what kind of person pulls out, then drives like a snail.
Because it was dark and the road curvy and hilly, I was unable to pass. I was feeling some annoyance and not thinking kindly of this person but grudgingly figured I could handle a few more miles at this turtle pace. I was surprised to see the same slow vehicle pull into the parking lot just ahead of me. Since we’ve only been attending this church for a few months I had no idea who drives crazy like this.
When I got inside, Jeanie, who is the same age as me, came and apologized for being that slow-moving vehicle. She was embarrassed, and proceeded to tell the story. As soon as she had pulled in front of me, an electrical warning light showed up on her dashboard and suddenly her car would only go 35 mph even though she had the pedal to the metal.
How quickly I had judged her to be a rude, uncaring driver when in fact she could do nothing about her vehicle’s behavior. It wasn’t a serious issue, it made me about a minute later than I would have been. No big deal.
Often in the past, and I must admit even sometimes these days, I judge others’ behavior from my idealistic mindset of who I think he or she should be. God convicts me more and more to quit and leave the judging to him. There is so much about every person’s battles that I don’t know. As Wendy Mass says:
Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Your husband is fighting a battle as well, maybe he doesn’t talk about it, maybe he doesn’t even realize it, but it’s there. He may be wondering if he has the strength and wisdom to love you, love the children, protect the family. He may be fearful about his job performance, insecure and angry because of past abuse, anxious about being with your family. He may be battling depression but is afraid to talk about the thoughts that ravage him…..
In years past, when I was stopped at a red light my eyes wandered to other people sitting in their cars nearby. I saw those who were well dressed, driving a brand new car, looking so happy and found myself thinking that they must have a perfect, problem-free life. But after talking to many people over the years – some who are beautiful, smile a lot and drive new cars – I have found that everyone has a story, a difficult, sad, challenging story in which they are living.
As Jesus said, “In this world you will have troubles….” There are no exceptions; we will all experience trouble throughout our years here on earth. It is simply a fact of life as we face this battle between good and evil.
Most people try to do the right thing but something happens in communication – words come out wrong, misunderstandings occur, snap judgements take place, haughty eyes are thrown toward heaven, body language offends.
There are times I would like Dad to procrastinate less, talk more, eat less, exercise more, snore less and on and on…. Why do my eyes often see only what I don’t like about him? Why am I so quick to make hasty conclusions?
Last week he had procrastinated on making airline reservations which resulted in some very inconvenient times and an extremely aggravated wife. I know this a relatively minor first-world annoyance, but immediately my mind went to all the things in the last 20 years that he has procrastinated, listing each one of them in my mind.
The Enemy had a heyday with my thoughts. Along with the listing came the thoughts, “Things will never change. You’ll never have the love you’re looking for. You deserve better. I hate this. I get so tired of the same ole same ole….”
I kept on reliving all those procrastinations until God brought me up short and encouraged me to make a list not of Dad’s weak points, but of his strong points. So I started listing:
- Faithful to me for 39 years
- Forgiving when I confess my wrongs
- Always willing to listen to me and my many ramblings
- His big hearty laugh
- His willingness to move 1700 miles to help me care for Grandpa and Grandma
- Taking on the job of loading the dishwasher after every meal
When I forgave him (after grousing for a while) and started listing his strengths I was able to refocus my wandering mind, quit judging him and let him be a flawed human being just like me.
I don’t know why he does what he does. Sometimes I don’t even know why I do what I do. And you know, it’s really not my job. Yes, I will confront him on some issues, but God is leading me to pray for him more and criticize him less.
Paul speaks clearly about how we are to speak to all people, our husbands included:
Be completely humble and gentle: be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2
Just like Jeannie, many people have their pedal to the metal, but something has gone wrong and they are having a hard time doing what they want to do.
Give your man the same grace that God has given you. Then be amazed at the changes you will see.
Love, Mom 
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