Dear Daughters,
Every marriage will have storms that descend. It may start as soon as the honeymoon is over. Or it may come at the death of a child or a parent, an addiction – pornography, alcohol – or an outright betrayal. Sometimes it will come when the children grow up and move out, leaving us to wonder who this person is that we’ve been living with for decades. However the storm comes, it can feel like our world is falling apart at the seams. The safe haven meant to be a sanctuary for two hearts in marriage may sometimes feel like the least safe place at all.
Here in Idaho, wind is commonly a part of the weather forecast. Just the other night a storm woke me, howling, rattling the windows and throwing up sticks and twigs from the trees surrounding the house. Looking outside I could see tumbleweeds blowing furiously across the lane, rain pelting the sidewalks and driveway.
Sometimes our lives can feel like that – the forces and circumstances of our worlds seem bent on knocking us to pieces. We may think that we cannot handle one more thing that goes wrong in our life, and then something else does go wrong. We tremble with the knowledge that we may not be able to hang on for another hour.
Dad and I are finally at a place that we are unified, most of the time. Since I have in the past been the Queen of Blame, there are still some days when things go wrong and my mind starts blaming him again. Old habits die hard. At times it’s still a challenge to keep sarcastic remarks from flying out of my mouth. The Evil One is always trying to drive a wedge between us, and of that we can be assured of happening until the day we die.
Today was especially hard for me since I had not fallen asleep until 3 a.m. When I woke, Dad was his normal jovial self, wanting a big hug and kiss and I was not in the mood. I just wanted to grouse in my own private corner and have a personal pity party. I felt like I had a right to be crabby because my insomnia is chronic and my fatigue is constant. So I grumbled at my sad state of affairs and ignored him. He wisely left me alone.
When the tempests arise, whatever else may be going on in your marriage, you know that God is working on your transformation, right? God will use hard times to expose your sin as well as your husband’s. Instead of simply lamenting the storm, it is always wise to seek God and ask, What do you want to expose, what are you after? As hard as it will be, try to accept the work that Jesus is doing in your own character.
Why is marriage so hard? Every one of us is a broken, hurting person, but instead of talking about our pain we often get embarrassed and try to hide it. Unfortunately, if we don’t deal with our pain it will become hurt and pain to others around us as well. Hurting people hurt people.
Thankfully Dad just walked away this morning. He could have taken offense at my attitude and things could have gotten ugly, but he knows me well enough to give me space on days like this. After a few hours I was able to enter the human race once again, barely. I talked about my discouragement with my physical condition, he listened and encouraged me, told me he still loved me. I am continually working on being content whatever the circumstance, but still I fail.
Marriage has its seasons, there are ebbs and flows. The writer of Ecclesiastes 3:2-8 says that there is a time for everything…. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…. There are times when you and your man are close, and other times when you feel like the distance of the chasm between you can be measured in light-years. That’s normal. Have patience with yourself and with him.
Jesus tells a story about two houses and how they each fared when the storms hit.
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7:24-27
The storms will certainly come, that is a promise. How we respond to those storms depends on our willingness to trust in God and His ways. What are those ways and words of His that we need to put into practice? I love the passage from Colossians:
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.
Corrie ten Boom, the Dutch woman who hid Jews and was sentenced to a Nazi concentration camp because of it, was told by another woman while in prison that the only way a person could survive in the camp was to hate. Corrie’s reply was “Hate can put you in a worse prison than this.”
Even though love and goodness are difficult, they are the best and most powerful weapons in our arsenal. When the winds blow and the waters rise we need to return to some very basic truths.
1) I am loved (Jeremiah 31:3)
2) I am secure (John 10:28-29)
3) I am forgiven (Colossians 2:13)
4) God is with me always and forever (Hebrew 13:4)
Whatever happens, stay close to Jesus. He is your Rock and your Hiding Place, he is your refuge from the storms that descend. I cannot guarantee that your marriage will be healed, that the addict will desire to change, that prodigal children will come back any time soon. But I can assure you that you are deeply and truly loved by your Heavenly Father. I promise that God is with you and will never, ever abandon you; and I guarantee that you can find peace in the midst of the storm.
Love, Mom
What makes a marriage better is to keep on going through the worst.
~Ann Voskamp
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