Dear Daughters,

Yesterday I had a terrible, horrible, very bad, no good day.  I woke up feeling physically and emotionally fragile – which happens every now and again.  You know the feeling?  It was cloudy out, actually a pelting rainstorm as I was driving to meet with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while.  Somehow I didn’t get the memo of the change of location, so after driving 20 minutes to the normal meeting spot, a kind man told me the meeting had been moved. He gave me the new address, so I walked out to the car and promptly fell apart, weeping.

Really?  Just because I didn’t hear about the change?  How immature and silly of me, I told myself.  I vacillated between giving up and going home or seeking out the new meeting spot. In the end I put on my big girl panties and ventured out in the storm again, going another 15 minutes in the torrential storm to find the changed location at which I finally arrived.  All the way there I was feeling forgotten, unseen, alone and back to my 13-year-old self when I had been left alone because of a misunderstanding of a meeting place in another state, decades ago.

How quicky one single trigger can bring us back to less than desirable thoughts of what has happened in the past – feeling lost and alone, thinking no one cares, or worse that someone deliberately left us out.

When I finally arrived to the true meeting spot, I was greeted warmly by my friends, but the topic of conversation (in my head) circled around to more times of rejection in the past – some deliberate, others only perceived -so I fought back tears most of the time.  At the end I planned to quickly jet out the door when no one was looking, and my plan worked…almost.

Michelle caught me and asked if I was OK.  Of course, I was not and I wanted to lie saying, Yes, I’m fine, just feeling quiet today.  But, since I’m not a very good liar, when I opened my mouth the tears started streaming again.  I told her what had happened – the miscommunication, the perceived hurt and all the other thoughts swirling in my mind.  Then in her kind, caring voice she said

You know those are lies, right?

Right.  Of course, they’re lies.  Sheesh, I know about lies from the enemy, voices from my past, I have been teaching it to others for years.  So how did I get caught in this downward spiral of self-disdain, loathing and hopelessness? 

It’s embarrassing to forget everything I know and give in to the emotions of the moment, but somedays it happens so unexpectedly and sneakily and I don’t know when the floodgate opened, but the gang’s all there.

So when I finally returned home, I cried out to God to remind me that I am Known, Seen and Loved – whether I feel like it or not.  I know I cannot let others’ opinions of me be the final word, especially when those words were spoken so long ago.  I need to go back even farther in time and listen to the words my Father God tells me:

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10

I have loved you with an everlasting love.  With unfailing love, I have drawn you to myself.

Jeremiah 31:3

The clamor of voices from the media and others around you, telling you you’re not smart enough, pretty enough, or enough in any way are simply distractions to keep us from the simple truth that we are loved just as we are. 

Love from people is good, but what happens when they leave us, offend us or walk away?  We will all be betrayed in some way some day by a human – or by many humans.  It’s just what humans do because we are flawed.  Only the perfect loving Savior, Jesus Christ, can supply us with all we need.  To be Known, Seen and Loved.  

We are not what we do.

We are not what we have.

We are not what others think of us.

Coming home is claiming the Truth.

I am a beloved child of God.

We no longer need to beg permission from the world to exist.

Henri Nouwen

Love, Mom