Tag: marriage (Page 1 of 6)

Love & War

June 29, 2021 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I had never noticed that the Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a marriage. In their book Love and War, John and Stasi Eldredge point out that the epic story of human history, spanning thousands of years, begins in Genesis with a garden and a couple. As God unfolds the beautiful, frightening, mysterious story of His love, there is not some lone hero standing against the world, but a man and a woman – a marriage.

In the book of Revelation, the end of the world as we know it – after a very long battle – there is finally a feast, a wedding feast. The wedding here is between Jesus Christ and his bride, the church.

In a sense, marriage is the Kingdom of God. It is meant to bring glory to God because God is love and where there is love, there is God. (Mother Teresa) When we love each other in our marriages, forgive when there are offenses (and there will be offenses every day), sacrifice for one another, never give up hope, always persevere in the difficult times of life, we are modeling what the love of God is all about.

The bottom line story of the Bible is Love. God loves us and He wants us to love one another. Sounds simple, but as we both know, it’s not. Why? Because this beautiful love story is placed in the middle of a dreadful war.

Think of all the fairy tales you love. One of my favorites is The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson, later made into a Disney movie. If you remember, that love story is placed in the midst of a war as well. Ursula, the sea witch, was doing everything she could to keep Ariel and the Prince from marrying, making a mockery of love. In the end, the Prince and Ariel did marry but not without a battle of heroic proportions.

Think of the famous girls and boys in other adventure stories you have read: Shasta and Aravis in The Horse and His Boy, being driven together by Aslan the Lion. Hansel and Gretel holding hands together for safety in the dark woods, Beauty and the Beast learning to love so they can both be free. People all over the world love those stories. Why? Because we want to live stories like that as well.

The honeymoon of Adam and Eve barely started when the serpent successfully snaked in with a plan to break everyone’s heart. His deceptive lie hissed, You can live without God and because that lie was embraced, there was broken fellowship between the humans and God. It was the beginning of distrust, blaming, shaming, and betrayal. Satan’s plan has not changed one iota since; he comes only to kill, steal and divide.

But in this, the world’s darkest moment, love shone through. In spite of chronic unbelief on our part, God pledged to love and pursue us. He did this through the great Prince, Son of the King, Jesus Christ. Christianity is truly the most preeminent love story the world has ever known.

This story is not over, it is still unfolding right now, even as you are reading. The terrible clash between the Kingdom of God and the kingdom of darkness continues. At the core of this age-old struggle, there is one overarching question that is being raised: Can a kingdom of love prevail? God vows that Love never fails, (1 Corinthians 13:8) but the world laughs and the devil laughs. Sometimes we laugh too. It sounds so naïve. Love seems so weak when compared to all the evil around us.

Your marriage is set in the midst of this story, the age-old beautiful story of God pursuing His people; it is a story of redemption, a story of love. But that story is opposed, because we have an enemy who desires to see our marriages and families divided. His goal is to bring bitterness and strife.

It seems that if we as married couples can’t find a great battle to fight together we’ll start one with each other. For years I saw Dad as the enemy of our marriage. He wouldn’t agree with me on how to raise you girls, on which movies to watch, how to discipline, decisions on spending money….and on and on. So I fought with him, fighting for my opinion to win, my view to be the right view. Not surprisingly, this did not improve our marriage.

Then God finally opened my eyes to see the spiritual battle that was going on, a battle that could only be fought effectively with prayer and love. You know the verse, Love your enemies, pray for those who hurt you…? Well, when I finally started doing what this verse says, a ray of hope sprang up in my heart. I started trusting God to do His work, instead of me trying to change things. And that is precisely when things started to change.

Oh, how I lament the years that I tried to do things in my own power, but God is so gracious. He patiently waits for each of us to come to the point of giving up on ourselves and giving in to Him. He never coerces, never pressures, but simply pursues and encourages us through his Spirit.

We are prone to wander, forget, and go back to old patterns, but for that too God is patient, forgiving and filled with grace, always urging us to get up and try again.

God loves you as you are, not as you should be. (Brennan Manning)

Love, Mom

Wondering…

January 1, 2019 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

I just got back from a short walk outside, a few ice crystals flitting through the air and catching light from the house windows, sparkling in the darkness. I often sing as I walk, and tonight my song became I Wonder As I Wander.

I wonder as I wander out under the sky,

That Jesus our Savior did come for to die,

For poor, ornery people like you and like I.

I wonder as I wander, out under the sky…

It has long been a favorite of mine – the minor key, the wondering why, the haunting melody, the pensive mood of the entire song. Wondering is good to do. Remember when we were young? We used to take time to wonder, think and ponder. Grandpa has been one who has encouraged me to renew that discipline. He often sits outside in the sun, studies the clouds, the jets overhead – wondering where they are headed – paying careful attention to his windsock and all the levels and layers of the clouds, as he pets his dog and three cats lining up for attention.

Lately I have been wondering and pondering the seemingly upside-down kingdom of God.

Our American culture of busyness tells us to

hurry up and get things done

be productive to prove yourself valuable

try to control your small world

figure life out all by yourself

not depend on anyone else

be wary, because you’re on your own

seek approval from people

worry at all times

keep on carrying that heavy burden yourself

…and hopefully after all that we will be loved – loved by people, perhaps even be loved by God.

But the exact opposite is true if we really believe God means what he says. For starters,

He says He dearly loves you, just as you are

He says you are intrinsically valuable

He tells you to rest.

Yes, to do your work, but also take time and be still

To love those who are around you every day

To be honest

He tells us to seek Him for direction because He possesses all wisdom.

He tells us to wonder, to marvel at the life he lived while on earth.

He promises to live inside us supernaturally when we open the door of our heart

To trust that no matter what bad things happen to us, God will use them for good.

To cast all our care on Him.

And yet we are such ornery people, as the song says, that we often choose the former list instead of the latter. The logical outcome of the former is devastating for everyone involved.

I know because I have lived it.

When we seek people’s approval instead of believing God’s love is enough, we tend to put unrealistic expectations on the relationships we have. No human being can fulfill our deepest desires, no person is able to carry such a heavy responsibility. Although many relationships will be harmed, one of the more obvious casualties of those expectations in relationships is marriage.

If we were told before entering a room that we were going into a honeymoon suite, then walked into a typical Super 8 Motel room, we would be upset and possibly outraged.

On the other hand, if we were told the room we were about to walk into was a jail cell, and it looked like a Super 8 room, we would be elated.

Expectations kill relationships, says Ann Voskamp.

Our ornery human selves are self-centered, always thinking about me, me, me – what will make me happy? Who will give me the strokes I need? I need to watch out for #1 – Me.

The author Dan Stone says:

Marriage is meant to press you into God, not to provide you bliss.

Press me into God? Now that is certainly not the reason I got married. I was under the impression that marriage was supposed to provide me with a person who would fulfill me – physically, emotionally – and most of all – to make me blissfully happy all the day. But It didn’t take long to see the false hopes of that happily ever after dream and watch it vanish.

It turns out that what I thought – and what our general culture believes – is directly opposed to God’s view of marriage. If I put my own desires and needs in the center of my world, expecting my husband to fulfill me in every way, marriage is sure to disappoint, cause quarrels, disillusion my view of romance, and expose my ugly self-centered nature.

Tim Keller gives an interesting analogy:

Our solar system has a sun at the middle with many planets orbiting around it, beautifully and orderly. Consider what would happen if each planet suddenly desired to be the center of the universe, becoming jealous of the sun. Can you imagine what kind of chaos would ensue? In a short time there would be destruction and annihilation as each globe demanded to be the center of attention. Gone would be the order and beauty, gone would be the universe.

When we follow Jesus’ example and learn to love and serve others instead of putting our self at the center of life, we can rest, quit striving and trust that when others fail and disappoint us, He is there to fall upon, to lean on, knowing that the story isn’t finished yet. The best is always yet to come. We can learn to be content to orbit around the Son, teaching others to do the same.

The wonder of His love for we who are ornery is so amazing.

Fall on your knees, let God love you so you can love those around you.

Love, Mom

Wind

April 3, 2018 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last week I found Grandpa sitting on his chair with the garage door wide open, enjoying the Spring sunshine. I asked how things were going. He replied,

Good, I’m just watching the clouds. Do you see those clouds? The thin wispy ones are going much faster than the big cluster of cumulous clouds. They must be in different wind currents and altitudes.

Being a pilot in his younger years, he has studied stuff like that. So I sat down in a chair nearby and we had a chat about clouds and wind. Sure enough, when I took the time to sit, study and watch the clouds, I could see that they were definitely moving at different speeds. It was quite a fascinating conversation, and I learned a lot just listening to Grandpa and watching the clouds in the beautiful blue sky.

Over 25 years ago a vast enclosed ecosystem of 3.14 acres was built outside of Tuscon, Arizona. In this ecosystem, given the name Biosphere 2, scientists set out to study Earth’s living systems in a controlled environment. Trees grown in Biosphere 2 grew quickly, faster than their counterparts in the wild. The scientists were mystified though, when the trees became thin and weak with underdeveloped root systems, many of them falling over before they reached maturity. Finally it was discovered that one element always found in the wild had been forgotten and neglected in Biosphere 2:

Wind

When trees grow in the wild they are subject to strong winds which are necessary to develop stress wood, strong fibrous wood that enables the tree to become stronger and vastly improves the quality of life for the tree. Without stress wood, a tree can grow quickly but not sustain the weight that accompanies the height.

Thousands of years ago – back in the book of Exodus – the Israelis were taking their 40 year journey through the wilderness and they deplored the difficulty of crossing the desert. They grumbled and whined that everything was too hard; they wanted to go back to slavery in Egypt because those were the ‘good old days.’

But the reason God led them through the desert the long hard way was because He wanted them to grow up and mature. As you may remember, the Israelis continually asked

Why God, why?

When God, when?

How God, how?

They wanted the answers to all those questions immediately instead of simply trusting God to provide what and when He knew was best for them. All God asked was that they trust and obey. Even though they had free food from heaven every morning, water to drink, shoes and clothes that never wore out – they wanted more. They were never content, never grateful, always complaining.

How similar our stories sound today. Your marriage right now may seem too difficult and you would like this business of loving your husband to be a whole lot easier. You may wonder when and how your relationship will get better. But you know what happens when life gets hard? We find that we need God more, we learn that by ourselves we cannot love the way we should.

You have been hurt, offended and at times it seems that your husband might drive you crazy with all his annoying habits. Yet through it all, Jesus is trying to get you to lean into Him, trust Him in all the mess, and ask for help in loving your man.

It’s a struggle, a fight not to complain, not fall into the bitterness mode, but it is not too hard because God’s strength is always available. And the good thing in all this? Through these difficult times in your marriage you are becoming stronger, more loving, more patient – if you choose to forgive, compromise and give up your right to always be right. You are becoming the woman of God you are meant to be.

I love Paul’s reminder to us, a verse I have read many times, fighting to believe that God’s word is true.

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

We will reap what we sow. But we need to keep acting nobly and doing right – and not give up.

True character is always shown in adversity. Anyone can be happy when things go their way, but the real test is seeing how we act when things are not going our way. Are we still able to trust God and do good in spite of how we are feeling? God wants us to be stable in all circumstances because it shows we are trusting Him for our future. Unfortunately, we can only learn trust through trials and difficulties – when we know we cannot do life on our own – which for me is every single day.

A few years ago Dad and I went through a difficult time in our relationship. Yes, even after decades of marriage they still happen. Initially I wanted to shut down, blame him and walk away. Then I remembered these letters I’m writing to you and figured I better take my own advice – forgive him, acknowledge my own sin and let it go. I had to fight for it but after a time I was able to say,

Thank you, Lord, for allowing this to happen to us, and I thank you in advance for how you will use it to strengthen our relationship.

Let me tell you, those words didn’t come without tears and agony, but I did speak them out loud, and I thank God for the grace that enabled me to say them. Gratitude, not resentment, is the wisest response to these hard times.

Today was a typical Spring 40-mph windy day here in Idaho. As I was walking down the lane I saw many trees leaning and blowing in the wind. It’s a wonder that all the trees don’t permanently lean slightly to the East because of the amount of wind we receive, but they don’t. They stand strong and straight – just like we as people stand strong if we do not lose heart. Even though it’s tough , continue to do good and don’t let the winds of life knock you down. Let them play their part in strengthening you, getting stronger and stronger as you trust God to work in both you and your husband,.

Just as the clouds in the sky are in different altitudes and move at different speeds, so you too may move at a different speed from your man. That’s OK. Welcome the wind, embrace the wind. Stand strong, be patient, and know that God is good.

Love, Mom

Remembering…

March 1, 2017 / Shari Baar / 5 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Today I started cleaning out Grandma’s closet. Shoes, black snow boots, her favorite fuzzy slippers, tee-shirts with musical notes embroidered, pants with elastic waistbands, a shoe stretcher, her fluffy pink bathrobe –so many of them causing me to remember when she wore them and what she did while wearing them. Her lovely blue jacket when she played piano at recitals, and her old work clothes for gardening, walking shoes….

Almost three months have passed since Grandma has walked the halls of her home. It’s lonely walking down the lane by myself. When I play the piano I have no audience to listen, to clap when I’m finished playing a song, no accompanying whistler as I play. I’m growing accustomed to life as it is now, but it is different.

I know Grandma is rejoicing in heaven and I’m celebrating with her, yet her memories will continue to be with me every day for the rest of my life.

How can someone forget their mom?

A few days ago, Mariah sent me a poem she had written about Grandma.

Remembering You

I am nothing to you

Not now anyways

For all you know

I am simply another person

Living somewhere

Out in the world

You used to remember

Who I was

And where you were

You used to play

Everyday

And whistle

As though it were

Your second language

You used to go on walks

And water the flowers

You used to be

So full of life

And energy

And happiness

But now

You’ve forgotten

How to talk to the birds

Your hands

Have left the ivory cold

And the plants you watered

Are beginning to wilt

The road you once walked

Is now empty

Devoid of life

The doors you opened

Are now closed

But no matter

Where you are

Or how you have changed us

I pray

That the birds won’t forget

Your songs

Your call

Nor the piano

Your music

I pray

That the roads you have traveled

Will remember your journey

And the closed doors

Are never forgotten

But most of all

That the people you met

Will never forget you

The legacy you left behind

The music you gave us

The memories you were a part of

Grandma

Thank you

For all you’ve given us

For all you’ve left behind

Thank you Grandma

Thank you

~ Mariah Potoka, age 14

Thanks, my dear granddaughter Mariah, for reminding me once again how important each one of our lives are. Even though we may think of our life stories as insignificant, the decisions we make today will affect others tomorrow, next week, next year – and to generations beyond.

It’s not the big impressive things we do, but the thousand unremarkable steps we take every day that make a beautiful life.

Ann Voskamp calls it living a life of holy redundancy – showing up faithfully day after day in the seemingly little things.

That’s what Grandma did. She loved the same man for 66 years, walked down the lane and beyond with a plastic bag in hand picking up trash from the ditches. She played and taught from her beloved piano for hours, bringing pleasure to herself and thousands of others. Every day she would faithfully make meals for us – my favorite macaroni and cheese, and my gagging worst – liver with onions, which I would slip to the dog under the table.

I know some days you feel like walking away from responsibility, turning your back on those who have hurt you, who haven’t appreciated all your sacrifice and love. But Jesus sees your heart and is there cheering you on. He will never leave or forsake you and will give you the strength to carry on yet another hour and then another day ….

You have probably heard of the ripple effect. Throw a small stone in a calm pond and watch the ripples expand incrementally to the very boundaries of that pool of water. That’s what Grandma’s life did. She lived quietly, unassumingly, simply, thankfully, and because of that her life has touched many people, including you and me, for which I am extremely grateful.

Your kindness, your choice to forgive, your obedience to God, your faithfulness and perseverance will also go out as ripples to many you may never meet –and will be remembered far beyond today.

Live your one life well.

Love, Mom

Trust in the Lord and do good…. Psalm 37:3

Happy Wives Club

February 14, 2017 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

When I received a package in the mail from a friend of mine with a book entitled Happy Wives Club I groaned. Really?? Sounded a bit simplistic to me. I had just had a disagreement with Dad and at that moment I was not a happy wife.

Then I read the About the Author page in the back of the book. Fawn Weaver is this beautiful young black woman, Type A personality, the CEO of one company and a CIO of its online subsidiary, has been on TED talks, started her own company at age 18, and on and on………. and happily married. PLUS, she just wrote this book after traveling around the world, and runs the HappyWivesClub.com website that has had over 2,500,000 visitors.

I was ready to throw the book in the trash because in my world I have just enough energy to do what I have to do, and the remainder of the time I’m resting, reading and writing because my energy wanes way too quickly. Jealous is the first word that comes to mind after reading about Fawn Weaver.

But when I settled down for my daily afternoon rest I calmed down and became curious, so decided to read at least the first chapter, with a somewhat contrived inner gratitude to my friend for sending me a free book.

Fawn’s take on the recent onslaught of negativity surrounding marriage was on target. She cited Desperate Housewives, Basketball Wives, Stepford Wives and Married with Children as messages to TV viewers that wives are miserable, husbands cheat, and marriages don’t last.

Like all of us, she has witnessed marriages crumble, yet she is in a good marriage and was curious if she was an anomaly or if there were other wives out there in the world who are happy. So, Fawn decided to take a trip around the world – traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents – with the mission of talking to couples of all cultures in the world who had been married for more than 25 years, searching to find some stunningly simple truths about what makes wives happy and marriages last.

Amazingly, or maybe not so amazingly, throughout the world marriages thrive because of a handful of simple secrets.

The main secret: There is no plan B for marriage. Happily married couples have subtracted the word divorce from the equation. Because they see marriage as life long, there is plenty of time to agree to disagree and take their time in finding common ground.

One of the couples Fawn interviewed in Canada had experienced unfaithfulness. Interestingly, the reason Faye’s adultery started was because she allowed out of control negative thoughts to continually run through her mind. She had become bitter because of one incident early in their marriage that she continued to feed on, refusing to forgive. The marriage was healed when Edward chose to forgive her and Faye submitted to counseling – a long road in getting to the complex root of her bitterness.

Jerry and Bonnie, also Canadians, centered in on the sentence We disagree fairly and don’t fight dirty. Calling each other names is just plain mean and they can stick in a spouse’s mind forever. Shut up unless it really matters, is another mantra they follow. Let the small stuff go, petty annoyances are not worth fighting over. AEOD (accept each other’s differences) is a good acronym to keep in mind. Just because your husband is different from you doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

In South Africa, Henry and Pat spoke of respecting one another. Respect actually turned up in every language around the world, from Indian `arranged’ marriages to `love’ marriages in many other countries. Henry and Pat also decided that because tomorrow is never promised, they would never carry a disagreement into the night.

In Croatia, Mia invited Fawn to go to The Museum of Broken Relationships – a place representing the exact opposite of what Fawn was looking for on her world-wide tour. It won the 2011 European Award for Most Innovative Museum. Inside were scattered wedding albums, teddy bears, pink furry handcuffs, wedding dresses, an axe, videos chronicling the pain of love gone wrong, among many other disturbing exhibits and their corresponding stories.

Later that day Fawn met Sanja, a fashion model and an arms dealer for the Swedes, and she too was adamant about the respect issue. If I want respect, I must treat him with respect. She believes it is impossible to expect something you are not willing to give yourself. Yes, it takes work – but there’s nothing wrong with work.

On to the Philippines, Ben and Gloria were asked if they had any regrets, looking back over their decades of marriage. Looking at each other they both said No, everything we’ve done from the beginning we’ve continued to do until now.

Really?? Now that’s unbelievable for me. I’ve known a lot of married folks in my life and no one has ever told me that. I’ve had regrets, everyone I know has had regrets. Although to be fair, Fawn mentioned that the Filipinos are by nature some of the cheeriest people she has ever met. Maybe that’s the secret….

Doug and Barb, living in a 150-square-foot RV in Australia, mentioned the Golden Rule as a main factor that kept their marriage strong for 40 years. Doug, now caring for Barb who suffers from ALS, says that Doing unto others as you would have them do to you was taught him by his parents, and his wife has been the chief beneficiary of that wisdom. They both learned that personal sacrifice for anyone, especially your spouse, is a great display of strength and character. Not weakness.

In Fiji, the issue of disposability came up. Andrew said, When our parents bought a television they kept it for 20 years, and if it broke they fixed it. The same was the case for refrigerators and anything else. Now we buy new televisions well before they’re broken, because there’s a newer model out. We do that with computers and everything else. It seems that disposability has overtaken relationships as well. If there’s a newer better-looking model, many people just dump the old one.

Once again – we’re back to the No Plan B, divorce is out of the equation – the universal marriage saver.

The last country Fawn visited was Argentina where she talked with Marcello and Silvina. Marcello commented that Silvina is like a spider. It seemed a strange image for a wife to take on, but Silvina agreed that she is like a spider spinning her web. When she sees the web starting to break she works to fix it, otherwise the hole just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Hmmm, a great word picture. Better to mend a hole when it’s small than trying to repair a huge gaping rip. Good wisdom to remember.

Back to her home in California, Fawn talked to a few more couples. With more than half of marriages ending in divorce, she learned that happiness in marriage is a choice. It’s kind of like a plant, an everlasting plant that is meant to be watered so it can bloom and produce fruit. But you have to be willing to nurture it daily or it will wilt, turn brown and die.

All the couples Fawn interviewed had a daily ritual of some kind, breakfast together, tea in the afternoon – some time where they could connect, talk and build trust day by day.

For Dad and I, every night after he watches the news he comes to give me a backrub, a specific lymphatic backrub he learned from a therapist I had visited. It only takes a few minutes, but it has obliterated the neck stiffness I had experienced for years. Then we talk, sometimes for 10 minutes sometimes 45. Our talks range from politics to children to caretaking responsibilities for Grandpa to books we have recently been reading. It is good, affirming and a wonderful way to end the day. After we talk, we pray for whoever God brings to mind that evening. Praying together has helped to bring unity into our marriage.

Fawn also found a universal belief and dependence on God within every successful marriage. Couples always fare better if there is a third, invisible Person involved.

Marriage around the world is fundamentally the same for everyone. We may be different colors, have dramatically different cultural backgrounds and stories, eat different food, yet if we have a pulse we have a need for respect, acceptance and love. Love is a choice, just like happiness, and they are the most beautiful choices in the world.

My dear daughters, continue to choose happiness in your marriages and be blessed.

Love, Mom

P.S. The book and the Happy Wives Club website are both wonderful. The website gives some wonderful ideas about how to love your husband better, which brings more happiness to you!

Blue Shirt

August 12, 2016 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

A few months ago I read a short but powerful story entitled Blue Shirt. Written by Steve Spoelhof who is a runner of marathons, the story is about a race he ran last spring. Apparently he got bogged down physically and mentally at the 21-25 mile range. Close to exhaustion, he noticed there was a runner in a blue shirt who seemed to be keeping a good steady pace. So he allowed the guy in the blue shirt to dictate his stride, and was eventually able to persevere and finish the race in good time.

After the race Steve noticed Blue Shirt walking around so he thanked him for being the encouragement that he was during miles 21-25. Surprisingly, Blue Shirt immediately answered, Thanks for pulling me through 17-21. Steve was completely surprised that he could have been an encouragement to another when he was struggling so much himself.

A few weeks ago a friend told me of a song about marriage by Casting Crowns and encouraged me to listen to it. I pulled it up on Youtube, amazed by the simple yet profound lyrics of Broken Together. It’s a song about marriage; honest about the challenges and heartbreaks that go along with those vows we all said so naively.

Words are easy to speak, faithfulness to those same vows in the hard times is not so easy. The words from the chorus are:

The only way we’ll last forever is broken together.

I cried when I heard those words sung because it once again reminded me that we are all so broken. Sometimes I tend to think I am more whole than Dad, that I have to put up with more than he does, but then God quietly and patiently comes and shows me my own brokenness, failings, and pride. I tearfully admit that I am fragile, needy and on some days, a royal mess . I have tried to keep those words – broken together – in the forefront of my mind.

Broken together.

It brings us back to a level playing field when I am often tempted to think that perhaps my level of thinking is a bit better than his. Why is it that we are always so quick to think it’s our husbands’ fault when something is frustrating in our marriages?

Whenever a difference of opinions come up I am eager to edit the argument in my favor. He was being insensitive to my opinion. Of course I’m right, how could his even be considered? How can he not see that mine is the better idea?

So, you may be wondering why I paired this story and song together. First of all, I want to thank each one of you – my daughters – for being a Blue Shirt to me during difficult times in my life, especially the last few years. Many times your phone calls or visits, coming far to us in Idaho, were exactly what I needed when things looked so dark in my life. You have pulled me through, encouraged me to keep on going, listening to my heartbreaks and disappointments, while sharing with me your own griefs and victories as we have prayed for each other.

Nobody is always the Blue Shirt; instead I think we become Blue Shirts to each other at different times in our lives.

I have come to enjoy the song Broken Together in a bigger picture than simply marriage. As members of a family we are also broken together. We hurt each other, speak before we think, at times annoy each other, and yet many times bring joy and happiness to one another.

Because we are all broken we can never expect to get it right all the time, but to see us as broken and together is indeed a beautiful picture to me.

Love, Mom

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

The Extra Puzzle Piece

March 21, 2016 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Last year I bought a beautiful puzzle for Grandma, a picture of a little girl playing the piano. After we completed it we noticed there was one lonely piece left over. It was an exact duplicate of another piece, so someone somewhere must have wondered why they were lacking one.

I have had that extra puzzle piece taped to my bedroom wall for the last year thinking there must be something significant about an extra piece of a puzzle.

Sometimes I feel like an extra puzzle piece, like I just don’t fit in, like the puzzle is finished and I’m on the outside looking in.

I remember being at a wedding reception where there was open seating – for me it is the horror of no pre-planned places to sit, so one has to move around from table to table trying to find a place to belong. This was during a time when I was extremely fragile emotionally because of life during that season. Dad and I went to one table full of laughter and smiles, knowing some people there, but they said the empty places were being saved for someone else. So we traveled on to another but there too, reserved for others. Finally at the fourth table there was room, but by that time I was nearly in tears so we went through the buffet line, wrapped up our meals and left. I think Dad gave some excuse that I wasn’t feeling well. True Story.

Do you ever feel like that, thinking that you are the only one struggling, the only person who doesn’t have it all together, crying on the inside but forcing a smile on the outside while everyone around you seems to be happily traversing through life?

Many years ago I remember looking at other couples thinking they must have such carefree marriages, simply because they were physically attractive or so personable to everyone. Then I started getting to know some of these beautiful people, talking honestly with them, and found out that heartaches occur in every marriage, rich or poor, glamorous or not. There are no exceptions.

A few weeks ago Saeed Abedini, a prisoner in Iran for over 3 years, was finally released. Since he and his wife, Nagmeh, lived in Boise, Idaho, there was lots of publicity in our area, public prayers and rallies for his release. His wife was an avid participant in many rallies for several years. Many people were shocked when five days after his release last month, Nagmeh filed for legal separation from her husband. Apparently there has been abuse in the marriage for years, and she finally became open and honest about it. I’m praying that the abuse will be dealt with, repentance and forgiveness will become a reality. But I remember thinking in the past that their marriage must be ideal because they’re a missionary couple.

I don’t care how good couples or singles look at the party, church, or family gathering, what goes on behind closed doors can be another story.

We were created for Eden and when we don’t experience perfection, or near to it, we grow frustrated and upset. There is a reason we are disappointed. God set eternity and perfection in our hearts and when it doesn’t happen we become downright angry.

God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men… (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Then we go on Facebook and see all the smiling faces, beautiful family pictures and perfect Pinterest ideals. But I know enough of the back stories of those photos to realize these pictures do not portray reality. They simply show a moment in time when there are smiles for the camera. What words were said and attitudes displayed before and after the camera shutter closed are not revealed, but we know those smiles do not continue through all moments of every day. Unfortunately, pictures seem to make us think they do.

Life is never going to be like our dreams, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t good.

In his book Bold Love, Dan Allender asks the questions:

Do I live for heaven?

Do I live demanding that life be like heaven?

The way we answer those questions will have a great deal to do with our attitude in life.

If we live for heaven, understanding that….

This world is not my home, I’m just passing through

My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue

The angels beckon me from Heaven’s open door

And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

….then we can accept imperfections, disruptions, heartache, or feeling like a piece outside the puzzle. If we believe that this life on earth is temporary and we have an eternity before us, we will trust God with the disappointments and sorrows of our days. We will fight for good and against evil, and give thanks for the good gifts God so liberally gives, joyfully looking toward the time when there will be no tears.

But if we live demanding that life be like heaven, we will be forever disgruntled, blaming others for our unhappiness, becoming crabby and selfish. We need to be honest about our disappointments and heartache, knowing that in this world we will have trouble, but also that Jesus is our comfort and consolation in a world gone senseless.

There are many aspects of life that I would not have chosen – strained relationships, suicide, fatigue, dementia, insomnia, death, distance from those I love, arguments – yet without those experiences I would not have needed Jesus. I would not have been able to learn to love.

I’m certain every one of you have at times felt like that extra puzzle piece, simply because this is a fragmented world. But if we can learn to be content with the partial, remembering that this life isn’t supposed to be carefree and stress-free, we can perhaps live without clenched fists and anxious thoughts. Jesus knew our lives would be challenging so that we would lean into him and admit our need for a Savior. He wants us to grow up, to mature and become more like him. And of course there is no better way to grow up than to go through some tough perplexing problems that we cannot figure out on our own.

So be honest about your less than perfect marriage, your sometimes not obedient or respectful children, and invite Jesus into your mess. Ask him for strength to love, for perseverance to carry on, for faith to put your feet on the floor in the morning. Be thankful for the partial, the good in the darkness, and the hope for the future.

Love, Mom

A Shared Adventure

February 24, 2016 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

What is your favorite adventure story? One of my favorites is from the Chronicles of Narnia series, The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis. The story is about a boy and girl along with two talking horses escaping to Narnia, a country far from where they met. They are both separately fleeing the wickedness that is being planned against each one of them.

The children, Shasta and Aravis, did not at all like the other when they first met, but because of life’s circumstances and Aslan’s guiding paw, they bonded together (often out of necessity) in order to keep safe and complete the journey. Their expedition was complete with arguments, danger, difficult decisions of loyalty, and dealing with ordinary human quirks of pride and selfishness.

Every great story has battles and is filled with adventure, marriage being no exception. I had never perceived my marriage as a shared adventure until I read the chapter by that name in John and Stasi Eldredge’s book Love and War. The Bible is filled with the drama and adventure of marriage – Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, David and Bathsheba, Hosea and Gomer. In all these marriages there were times of discord, anger, conniving, trickery, blame and heartbreak.

Marriages today are no different from thousands of years ago. Yes, the outward trappings have changed, but the emotions, challenges and battles remain the same. Just as God chose to work through those long-ago marriages, so He works through yours and mine. He has an adventure and a mission in mind for you and your man.

Whether it is traveling together, erecting a tent, or discovering a beautiful national park, we are awakened from the dulling effect of the daily grind. Some of Dad’s and my biggest fights came as I, the directionally impaired navigator, tried to make sense of the paper Atlas (way before Google Maps) and would tell him as we were flying by an exit that I think this is the exit we were supposed to take. Putting up a tent together wasn’t exactly romantic either but we learned something new and decided to forgive after a bit of grousing.

Anyway, it’s good for us to have adventures, but also a shared mission in life.

I had never before thought about my marriage as having a mission apart from raising children and trying to have a happy home. Both of those goals are good and noble, but if that is your only goal in life it’s going to be tough when the kids are out of the house and you realize that you don’t even know your husband any more. Once the kids are gone the sense of shared adventure evaporates. That is why empty nesters’ divorce rate is so high. The children were hiding the chasm – the husband and wife were never one.

When Dad started pastoring, I began teaching music Monday through Friday. It was not an ideal situation. Our days off were never the same, he took Mondays; I never took a day off – which I have paid for in recent years. We never took date nights (practical me thought they were too frivolous and expensive) and we drifted apart. We each had our own separate calling, and yes sometimes we collaborated on projects but really didn’t have a shared mission.

As John Eldredge says:

A beautiful you and a beautiful me in a beautiful place forever is not the right vision of a marriage. It backfires on you; it betrays you. For one thing, it ain’t gonna happen. Not until heaven. You will feel hurt and you’ll look for someone to blame if you hold on to this as your life’s goal. And besides, the vision is too self-centered, too inwardly turned. Like a bad toenail.

It seems strange, but now that Dad and I are caretakers for Grandpa and Grandma, I feel like this is the closest thing to a shared mission we have ever had. It takes both of us to do the work here, we tag team. Dad and I call ourselves Team Koopman, along with Rhonda, Valerie, Cheryl, Robert, Ruth, Jinx and Judy. We have a shared mission, a common goal – to lovingly care for Grandpa and Grandma here in their home.

Is it all smiles and happiness? No. Just last night Dad and I had a spat along with some strong words having to do with the division of labor. After almost 40 years we still do not see eye to eye on many subjects. But one thing I have learned recently is that I need to ask God to show me the plank in my own eye before I try to point out the speck in Dad’s.

Is it all difficult and heartbreaking? No. There is humor when Grandma waters the artificial plant in the Dr. office, and when she carries the large calendar around asking which day it is so she can be sure that we don’t forget to go where we need to go. Yes, there is sadness when I remember how bright and spry Grandpa and Grandma used to be, and see how difficult it is for them now. There is disappointment for Grandpa and me when I have to tell him that I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to fly to California by himself at age 90 to visit friends.

But over all there is still joy. Joy that we have a supportive crew to share in the mission we have here, which I know brings so much pleasure to the heart of God.

Have you ever asked Jesus what mission he has for you?

I encourage you to ask Him to give you a vision, a shared passion for something in the Larger Story of life. He may answer your prayer with a friend in need who needs encouragement, a disruption in life that may change the location or direction of your life, a calling that has always been lingering in your heart but now seems to be something within reach. As Frederick Buechner says:

The place where God calls us is the place where our deep joy and the world’s deep hunger meet.

How awesome would that be to find a shared mission that you both could embark on together? It’s interesting that complaining about the dirty dishes in the sink or replacing the roll of toilet paper doesn’t seem so significant when we are working together fighting to rescue girls from the sex trade, assisting a refugee family as they adapt to a new country, helping to find healing for young child soldiers, trying to encourage a family in the inner city, giving hope to a confused and hopeless teen.

Now you might find that some of your desires and dreams are not shared by your spouse. Each person has a unique role to play; we all have a personal calling. So sometimes it may be a most beautiful expression of companionship when we simply lay down our lives to help with our spouse’s calling.

I think of Dave and Joyce Meyer. Joyce is the focal point with her preaching, but Dave has laid down his life to be the support system for Joyce, preparing the way for her conventions and being her biggest cheerleader. Love is always in season.

Back to the story of The Horse and His Boy. The seemingly random adventure of Shasta and Aravis turned out to be part of a much Larger Story. Their journey together through the desert eventually led them to save Narnia from some fierce invaders intent on destroying the land. Aslan the Lion (a Jesus-like figure) had, of course, guided the whole story from behind the scenes.

Shasta and Aravis continued to have many quarrels but they always made it up so that years later “when they were grown up, they were so used to quarreling and making up again that they got married so as to go on doing it more conveniently.”

God brought both of you together for a beautiful reason. You need each other, and the world needs both of you – together.

Love, Mom

More Waffles and Spaghetti

January 29, 2016 / Shari Baar / 0 Comments

Dear Daughters,

So…I have a little more to share about the waffle and spaghetti comparison. In my last post I revealed that guys have little boxes in their heads and it is best for us women to stay in one box at a time and try not to confuse them by expecting them to do mental gymnastics as we so fluidly talk in our spaghetti noodles while they are stuck in their waffle box. Yes, I know it’s a challenge but it is possible.

Well, apparently men have some boxes that are completely wordless. I know it’s hard for you and I to imagine but it is true. Some of their boxes are completely EMPTY of words and thoughts.

I have experienced this before when I have seen Dad sitting and staring. In the past I’ve asked him what he is thinking, and he has said Nothing. I never believed him, suspiciously thinking that he was hiding something he was afraid to talk about. I must say I was quite surprised when I read Bill Ferrell’s words that it is indeed true that men actually have boxes containing no words. I still can hardly comprehend such a phenomenon is possible but I will hopefully, going forward, believe him and let him sit in that box when he needs to. I have spent way too much time in my life wanting him to be like me and talking about many subjects, often jumping from one to another.

Then, of course, there is one box that is the largest of all and right in the center of their waffle. It is the box they prefer to spend lots of time in and I imagine you can guess the subject of that box. Yep, it’s the sex box. It is obvious that the sex box is connected to all the other boxes that surround it, which makes it easy for him to jump into the sex box at any time and from most any subject. It’s not that sex is always on his mind, just most of the time. But to be fair, God hardwired men that way.

All married women know that men typically have much higher sex drives than we do. It has been said that women warm up slowly like a crock pot, men like a microwave. We will be much more interested in sex if we feel emotionally connected, and even then it will take time and patience for us to be ready. There will obviously be no desire if we are frustrated and angry with our man, but a guy is ready at a moment’s notice, night or day.

I remember wasting years wondering why Dad was not more like me in all ways – in verbal communication, in sexual appetite, food choices, humor, – you name it we were opposites. I obviously had never read a book on marriage before I was married, I just assumed that since we were both Christians it would be easy.

Big mistake.

I had no idea that God intended the mystery of marriage to be that of complement, compromise, and counterpart. He meant for marriage to be a lifetime of learning, of forgiving, of adventure. We humans are so complex, we don’t even know ourselves well, so how do we expect to be able to jump into an exclusive relationship with a man, expecting ease?

But now, back to the other boxes. As you remember, each box in a man’s brain contains only one subject. So when they bring up a subject they want to stick with it until they feel like that subject is finished. For men, each box is a problem to be solved so when you open one box there is one problem to solve. When you open the second box, there are two problems. When you open a third, there is a third problem, and it keeps on adding up. When we open up too many boxes so quickly a man often gets overwhelmed and either shuts down or gets angry. He may feel that he just can’t keep up so he will bail out of the conversation completely, walking away or clamming up.

When Dad brings up a subject I often find myself swiftly jumping in and adding my opinion to the idea at hand even though he hasn’t asked for it. Sometimes I may link that opinion with something else that jumps into my mind. Then I wondered why he quit talking. I now know that he probably gives up and goes to find one of those empty boxes to sit in awhile.

I’m not sure why I tend to listen better to people outside my family, definitely something I need to work on. I know I hate listening to talking heads on TV that jump into another’s statement before the end of their sentence, yet at times I do it to my own husband. Lord, help me.

I need to remember I am not Dad’s counselor, I cannot fix him, and maybe I won’t even be able to understand him. But I can accept him just as he is instead of foolishly trying to make him like me. I can listen to him and encourage him to talk, letting him stay in one box for as long as he needs to be there.

It definitely takes discipline for me and I suspect that it may for you too.

Love, Mom

Waffles and Spaghetti

January 14, 2016 / Shari Baar / 2 Comments

Dear Daughters,

Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti was the title of a book I came upon the other day. Thinking it was a rather odd comparison, I read on….

When you look at a waffle, you see a collection of little boxes each separated by walls. Every box is detached from the other and they all make convenient holding places. Apparently this is typically how a man processes life. Their thinking is divided up into boxes that have enough room for one issue, but only one issue. The first issue of life goes into the first box, the second goes in the second box, and on and on.

A typical man, says Bill Farrell, lives in one box at a time and only one box. When a guy is at work he is at work. When he is in the garage puttering around, he is puttering around. When he is watching TV….well you know the rest of that sentence. That’s why he looks as if he’s in a trance and ignores all else that goes around him. Psychologists call this compartmentalizing – that is putting each part of life into a different compartment.

Because of the waffle structure of their brains, men are problem solvers by nature. They enter a box, look at the problem and formulate a solution. A man strategically organizes his life to spend most of his life in the boxes that he can succeed in. If possible, he will ignore the boxes that confuse him or make him feel like a failure. For example, if a man feels like his career brings him success he spends most of his time at work, at the expense of other priorities. If being home and communicating with his family is difficult he will spend more time in front of the TV. It’s a safe and comfortable box.

When it comes to communicating, men will often talk only if they believe they can reach a desirable outcome. But if they see no point to the conversation quickly, they get frustrated and clam up.

Many men find it easy to develop hobbies that consume their time. If a man finds something that he is good at and makes him feel good about his life, he will pursue it relentlessly. He may get emotionally attached to fixing, building, and maintaining projects. If he is good at gaming, research, computers, or fishing, that will become his focus. He knows what he gets back from these activities is predictable and safe, which can be much more certain than the outcome of a conversation with his wife.

So, basically men spend most of their time doing what they do best while they attempt to ignore the activities which may cause them to feel deficient. It is rather challenging for them to jump from one box to another quickly; they like to stay in a box until that subject is finished, then move on to another box.

The same day I read this interesting phenomenon about men’s brains, I decided to try it out for myself. Dad and I were working on making a Vistaprint family calendar for you girls. We have done this in the past and often ended up frustrated with each other because pictures conjure up all kinds of memories for me, but Dad is focused with the job of choosing the pictures and staying away from that inevitable walk down memory lane.

That night we needed to go through hundreds of pictures, narrowing down to 12 of our favorites. Ordinarily, I would comment on many pictures, talking about the memories that came up. I would say something like, Oh……that picture reminds me of the incredibly strong storm that came up on the lake and it was so fierce that we were out of power for 18 hours and the next day was my birthday so we went out to breakfast and later walked along Lake Michigan and…… This time, however, I decided to stay on the task at hand with no small talk. It was quite amazing how much more smoothly the process went when I let Dad stay in one box and not hop from one to another. The process was smooth and we got the job finished in record time. It was only a little difficult to refrain from bird walking.

In stark contrast to the waffle model of men, women process life more like a plate of spaghetti. Looking at a plate of pasta you notice that there are lots of individual noodles that all touch one another. If you tried to follow one noodle around the plate, you would intersect with many other noodles and who knows, you might even switch to another noodle without knowing it. That’s how women face life. Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue even though it may be only in some remote way. Life is much more of a process for women than it is for men.

This is why women are so much better at multitasking than men. We can cook dinner, nurse the baby, instruct older children to quit fighting and get the table set while planning the next days’ activities. Because all our thoughts, emotions and convictions are connected we can move almost seamlessly from one piece of information to another and keep track of more activities than our husbands.

We consistently love to talk things through as we solve problems, and as we do we connect the logical, relational, emotional and spiritual aspects of the issue. Men, however, prefer to stay in one box at a time. Trying to jump boxes is tiring and confusing for them. Pam Farrel gives the following illustration of how women tend to sum up their day:

Joan gets home and says, “Honey, how was your day? I had a good day today. We just committed to a new educational wing at the university, and I have been asked to oversee the budget. I am so excited that they didn’t rule me out because I am a woman. You know women have been fighting for a place in society for decades, and it is good to see so much progress being made. I think it is neat that you treat the women who work for you with so much respect. Our daughter is so lucky to have you for a dad. Did you remember that Susie has a soccer game tonight? I think it is important we are there because the Johnsons are going to be there and I really want you to meet them. Susie and Bethany are getting to be good friends, and I think we should get to know her parents as well.”

As Joan is talking on and on her husband is getting lost, frantically trying to jump from one box to another in his waffle way of thinking. He simply cannot understand what the budget at the university has to do with Susie’s soccer game and their need to have a new friendship with the Johnsons.

God certainly has a sense of humor when we look at men and women in the light of waffles and spaghetti. Of course He created us this way on purpose so we could complement one another. Life would be quite boring if we were the same, even though at times it sounds like a good idea. But I think He must occasionally be chuckling as He watches us learn about each other and strive to communicate. Frustrations mount and sometimes anger erupts when we just don’t understand our men and they don’t get us, but that’s why we have a lifetime to learn.

So… now that I have read the first chapter of this book, I will have to ponder better how to communicate with my husband. I can see already why it is so important to have women friends and daughters to talk with, then our noodles can overlap in conversation and it’s all good. So thankful you are my friends as well as daughters.

Love, Mom

Tag: marriage (Page 1 of 6)

Love & War

Wondering…

Wind

Remembering…

Happy Wives Club

Blue Shirt

The Extra Puzzle Piece

A Shared Adventure

More Waffles and Spaghetti

Waffles and Spaghetti

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