Dear Daughters,
Have you ever heard of a bird who sings in the dark? I recently watched Jane Marczewski (known as Nightbirde) on AGT and was blown away by her authenticity and joy even as she suffers so much as a young 30-year-old. Jane is an amazing singer and songwriter – which is not an unusual vocation – but it is her story that is so rare. Nightbirde has suffered more in her three decades of life than most people suffer in 70 years.
Having been through three cancer treatments during the past few years (spine, liver and lungs) she expresses with raw emotions the pain she still suffers. Her husband of four years left her, so she deals with abandonment along with a body not functioning well.
Jane chose the stage name Nightbirde because one morning around 3 am she heard some birds in the tree outside her window singing as if the sun were arriving, quite unusual for birds. She then thought, If birds can sing in the dark, so can I.
Here’s a few of her words:
I am God’s downstairs neighbor, banging on the ceiling with a broomstick. I show up at His door every day.
Sometimes with songs, sometimes with curses.
Sometimes apologies, gifts, questions, demands.
Sometimes I use my key under the mat to let myself in. Other times, I sulk outside until He opens the door to me Himself.
I have called Him a cheat and a liar, and I meant it.
I have told Him I wanted to die, and I meant it.
Tears have become the only prayer I know. Prayers roll over my nostrils and drip down my forearms. They fall to the ground as I reach for Him. These are the prayers I repeat night and day; sunrise, sunset.
Call me bitter if you want to—that’s fair.
Count me among the angry, the cynical, the offended, the hardened.
But count me also among the friends of God.
It’s not the mercy that I asked for, but it is mercy nonetheless. And I learn a new prayer: thank you. It’s a prayer I don’t mean yet, but will repeat until I do.
For I have seen Him in rare form. I have felt His exhale, laid in His shadow,
squinted to read the message He wrote for me in the grout: “I’m sad too.”
I have heard it said that some people can’t see God because they won’t look low enough, and it’s true. Look lower. God is on the bathroom floor.
Yes, God is on the bathroom floor. He inhabits our groaning, our temper tantrums, our questions and our tears. He is sad with us, yet has promised to never leave us, even when others have. He can handle our bitterness and our cynical words, He simply wants us to talk to Him. He is Immanuel, God with us.
Love, Mom
You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy. – Nightbirde
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