Dear Daughters,
Remember all those Little House on the Prairie Books we used to read when you were young? They are still the favorites of many kids once they start reading chapter books.
One day many decades ago, I was in the fiction section at the library and remember seeing the Laura Ingalls Wilder books stored there. I recall being surprised and saddened because reading them as a child I thought they were true history. In later years I learned that though many incidents were based on truth, some were romanticized and not entirely accurate.
That’s a bit like marriage. Before we get married we have some silly notion that we will live happily ever after. Then when we get past the promises made at the altar we learn that we married someone with a history and his history doesn’t quite match my history, his opinions are often the opposite of mine, and some days it feels like I’m out on the prairie with a stranger.
Not far from here are the remains of the Oregon Trail, created by some brave pioneers back in the mid 1800’s. I drove out there the other day, wondering what it must have been like traveling cross country in a covered wagon, blazing a trail. I imagined cooking over an open fire every night, taking a bath in the Snake River on the warm days, boiling water on the cold days. Day after day with blue skies, scorching heat, dust and bitter cold wind. Foraging and hunting for food every day, always on the lookout for potential danger. It makes me feel like a wimp as I drive 80 mph down our beautiful Idaho freeway.
An excerpt from one pioneer woman’s diary reads like this:
Early in January of 1849 we first thought of emigrating to California. It was a period of national hard times and we…longed to go to the new El Dorado and “pick up” gold enough with which to return and pay off our debts…
It was with considerable apprehension that we started to traverse the treeless, alkali region of the Great Basin…Our wagons were badly worn, the animals much the worse for wear, food and stock feed was getting low with no chance of replenishing the supply…It was no unusual sight to see graves, carcasses of animals and abandoned wagons. In fact, the latter furnished us with wood for the campfires as the sagebrush was scarce and unsatisfactory…
…like every other pioneer I’d love to live over again, in memory, those…months and revisit, in fancy, the scenes of the journey.
– Catherine Haun, A Woman’s Trip Across the Plains in 1849.
A trip of 1600 miles – taking seven months – and Catherine still loving to remember the journey is amazing to me. I wonder if the simple fact that she and her family decided to take a journey, and promising to persevere together was part of the reason she could look back on the harrowing expedition with fondness. There was no turning back, only forging ahead.
It seems that when we look over our marriages, and see what we’ve come through – enjoying the good times and persevering through the hard – gives a great sense of satisfaction. Yes, sometimes it’s tempting to bail, but to come through difficult times with marriage promises intact is certainly something to celebrate, simply because we continued to press on with tenacity to our destination of oneness.
It seems that whether you live in a rain forest, a desert, in New York City or in the Caribbean, the human heart always comes into play whenever two people commit to one another for life. No matter what time period or which location you live, Tim Keller says there are always basic decisions we must make:
Do we choose to be selfish or serving?
Will we worry about our todays and our tomorrows,
or will we trust that God loves us, that He will always provide?
Are we going to seek revenge or resolve to forgive?
Will we choose to tell the truth, or play around with the facts?
The way we answer those questions is, quite honestly, a good indicator of whether we will stay married or not.
My favorite current music group – for King and Country – has a beautiful song they recently recorded along with their wives.
Pioneers
I am here, you are there, lying side by side
Out of touch, out of reach, in the great divide
Parallel lives.
Hear the rain, count the drops on the window pane,
Wide awake, stale mate, why do we play this game?
Oh God, I hate this game
Throw open the doors
You know my heart is yours
What are we waiting for?
Let’s be pioneers
And we’ll build our home
In the great unknown
Let’s be pioneers
…Let’s forgive and let’s forgive again
I’m reaching out to my sweetest friend
Can we start again?
One of my favorite things about living a life for Jesus is that we can always start again. Even if we’ve screwed up stupidly, as far as the East is from the West, he’s forgiven us. Every morning, each sunrise is another chance to love better, forgive more deeply, open our hearts to God and each other… and begin again.
There are many times I have been disappointed in life. But often my disappointment has stemmed from the lie I had believed – that God had let me down. I have had certain expectations for my life – which I assumed God shared – and when those expectations failed to materialize I became angry, discouraged and depressed.
Tim Keller also speaks about disappointment with God. He teaches that when we become despondent, always remember:
God has not let me down.
My plan has let me down.
So many times I have mistakenly identified God with my plan. God’s interpretation of my life is often different from mine. Obviously, God has the best plan and he sees the beginning and the end so he knows the many twists and turns my life will take, and he has promised to walk the path with me. What may seem like a detour for me is actually part of the trail, part of the path I need to be on in order to become more loving, tenacious and strong. God will never let me down, and he will not let you down. We are all pioneers, going forward on this Marriage Trail, one step at a time.
Today is a whole new day, a fresh new beginning, and with it always, always, comes hope.
Love, Mom
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