Dear Daughters,
There is an interesting story told about the time Bobby Kennedy became the U.S. attorney general. The leaders of the civil rights movement despaired because they knew Bobby was not the least bit interested in the movement. At a meeting with Martin Luther King, Jr. everyone was moaning and groaning about Kennedy – no one had anything good to say about the man. Finally Dr. King slammed down his hand and ordered everyone to stop complaining. He said, “Well, then let’s call this meeting to a close. We will re-adjourn when somebody has found something good to say about Bobby Kennedy because that, my friends, is the door through which our movement will pass.”
King’s plan worked. They discovered that Bobby was close to his Bishop, and they worked through the Bishop so effectively that the same leader who could find nothing good to say about Bobby later said, “There was no greater friend to the civil rights movement than Bobby Kennedy.”
Their greatest nightmare turned into their magnificent dream. That’s what we need to do with our husbands as well. There are some days that we think there is nothing good to say about them, but if we can identify one or two strengths and build on them, we will find the road for moving forward in our marriage.
All of us have married men with unique backgrounds and gifts, created by God just for us. I remember complaining about Dad one day to a friend. She listened for a while then wisely said, “Larry is the exact size, shape, and color that God chose for you.” I was speechless because it certainly didn’t feel like that was true. Since then I have learned that God, in His infinite wisdom, has put two people together so He can show His strength in our weaknesses by teaching us how to love our husbands exactly as they are right now. We are not to minimize their weaknesses, but simply make the daily choice of focusing on qualities for which we are thankful. There will come a time when we can address the weaknesses, but for now there needs to be a firm foundation of love and encouragement.
You have probably all heard the statement “The definition for insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” Sadly, that’s what I did for years. I criticized Dad, poked fun at his weaknesses and then expected him to change. Instead of influencing change I simply squelched his desire to be known. Now that I am finally loving Dad for who he is – not what I want him to be – we are enjoying a much richer marriage.
Philippians 4:8 is as relevant for marriage as it is for life:
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.
It’s amazing how powerful our thoughts are. Anything that comes out of our mouths has to first be thought in our minds. I used to rehearse many annoying traits of Dad in my mind, and then of course negative words followed. I am now learning to actively, on purpose, think about the many good things he does as well as the faithful and caring man that he has become. It has taken discipline and time, but now positive words are coming out of my mouth. Words of affirmation, words of grace, words of thanksgiving.
Affirming your husband’s strengths will likely reinforce and build up those areas you cherish and motivate him to pursue excellence of character. Guys rise to praise, they love how it feels when we respect them, and will live up to how they are treated.
In order to make this a realistic goal we have to keep in mind that no man is thoughtful and caring all the time. We have to give them room to have bad days, off days. God only knows we all have bad and off days as well. Give your man some grace, God gives it to you every single day.
Love, Mom
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