Dear Daughters,
Not long ago, some people argued that there were no innate differences between boys and girls, it was simply a matter of how they were raised. But the last 10 years of neuroscience has disproved this completely. Well before the baby even comes into the world, the brain of a male baby gets bombarded with up to 20 times more testosterone than a female baby. The female brain has much more oxytocin (the bonding, mothering hormone) than does a male. In other words men’s brains simply do not work like a woman’s, something we need to be aware of in order to communicate effectively with them.
Men’s brains also need to rest more than women’s, with the result that men tend to need mental naps more than women. At the end of the day men don’t want plot, story, or character development, they just want escape (buildings blowing up, cars crashing, tires squealing). On the other hand, women have 15 percent more blood flow in their brains, so they often tend to be able to process complex entertainment.
How I wish I would have known this 30 years ago. I could never understand Dad’s love of all the above escaping devices. I remember thinking “Why can’t he just be more like me?” (as if that would be the answer to all our problems) Gary Thomas says “Stop expecting him to act or think like a woman. He can’t do that.” We can’t expect our husbands to talk with us like our sisters, mother, or other female friends. And if we do, we’ll be terribly disappointed.
Give Him Time. Many neurological studies show that men may take up to seven hours longer than women to process complex emotional data. The reason is that men have a smaller hippocampus in the limbic system of the brain (which processes emotional experiences). Also, the bundle of nerves that connects the left and right portions of the brain – allowing the processing of emotions – is about 25 % smaller in men than in women. So………if you have a disagreement just after breakfast and you take about 15 minutes to understand why you feel so angry, remember that your husband may not get to that point until dinnertime! We usually don’t want to wait that long so we push for getting the emotions and feelings out right away, but we need to give him time.
There is a story about one woman who insisted on talking things out before she and her husband went to sleep. He wanted to have more time to think about what he was going to say, which she refused. Then he infuriated her even more by falling asleep in the middle of the conversation. I guess the bottom line is to remember that men are just not as efficient as woman in processing emotional data, and for us to be patient.
One helpful suggestion is to learn how to bring subjects up without attacking our husbands. Most men are willing to discuss something, given some advance warning, and without feeling like they are being blamed for something they did wrong, which brings us up to the next subject:
Stonewalling Stonewalling describes how men may shut down emotionally and verbally, ignoring you and basically withdrawing from the conversation. Most men don’t immediately like to talk through distressing emotional events (frustrations at work or other relationships) simply because it brings them pain. It can actually bring physical pain for them to talk through hurtful experiences.
Because of the way the female brain works, talking through emotional issues has a calming effect, while the opposite is true for most men. When we understand that a verbal barrage takes more out of your husband than it does out of you, and that it takes longer for him to recover from such an exchange, we may begin to realize that criticizing, complaining, and displaying contempt will not allow us to properly communicate with our man. A good reminder is Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath.
When a husband is constantly criticized, blamed or is treated harshly by a wife, it almost always causes him to shut down. Finally I am beginning to understand why Dad wouldn’t talk to me the way I wanted in our early years. I was not patient, kind or gentle. I wanted him to talk when I wanted to talk, which was usually immediately. Plus I thought my opinions were better than his when it came to emotional stuff, so I wanted him to listen and agree with me. So, naturally he would stonewall – often because of the manner in which I would approach problems.
After all these years I am learning to wait and pray for wisdom about when to bring up certain subjects. It may be days after a situation happened, and the amazing thing is that sometimes I don’t even need to broach certain topics. I find that when I lean on God more and seek His timing, the Holy Spirit does His work so my work is less.
Remember, we are to allow God to change us so that He can be free to do the work that needs to be done in our husbands.
Love, Mom
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