Musings on Marriage

Tag: Wilderness

The Zig Zag Life

Dear Daughters,

My favorite subject as a sophomore in high school was geometry.  One of the basic axioms I learned was, The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  And it is indeed true – in geometry.

But as you may have noticed in life, we don’t travel from Point A (birth) to Point B(death) in a straight up-the-mountain line.  There are high points, low points and lots of zigs and zags around the in-between points.

I could never understand those people who had 10-year plans or 5-year plans, simply because I wasn’t one of them.  A 1-year plan was about as far out as I could think.  If you own a business you have a plan for future growth, expansion projects, and other such things outside of my realm of knowledge, but my life as a wife, mom and teacher was often lived one day at a time – and sometimes barely that.

Since Dad and I have been married we have moved 11 times within four states, and that’s a lot of zigging and zagging geographically.  Some people seem to be able to learn the things God has prepared for them while they live in the same house, others of us need to go from place to place, learning those important lessons of life.

I used to ponder the Israelites wandering from place to place in the wilderness for 40 years, when they could have walked straight to their destination in a few weeks.  I remember thinking, That’s a really inefficient way for God to get His people from here to there.  But after reading about all their grumbling, complaining and general discontent with everything going on in their lives- even in the midst of free food and clothes that never wore out – I began to understand I was much like them.

In my earlier years, I would often complain how things in my life were not going as I would have liked.  Moving here, moving there, meeting friends only to leave and start over again.  I was simply looking to my comfort as the litmus test for my happiness.  I was lonely, I didn’t have a long-term friend, my potential was not being fulfilled…. 

Quite self-centered and immature, don’t you think?

In 1543, Copernicus bravely announced his audacious theory that the sun was the center of our solar system, not the earth as was commonly thought.  Although this theory had been previously considered well before Jesus was born, it had never been given much credence.

In the same way, humans throughout all the ages have gravitated toward the idea that we are the center of our own small universes, but as most of us have figured out it’s not true and it doesn’t bring much happiness.

I used to pray, asking God to change the circumstances of my life so I could have a peaceful life.  If I was ever in a place remotely resembling a wilderness, I would try quickly to change the people (usually my family) or conditions around me to suit my preferences.

Thank God I have learned that I am the only person I can change.  I know now not to avoid or escape the hard times, but to ask what He wants me to learn through them.  After many years of grumbling, I have learned to thank God for actually using the hard times to help me – not to hinder me.

Of course, we have to understand that the number one focus of God as he works in our life is to mold our character to be like His.  Specifically, He is making us more patient and kind, less boastful and proud, more joyful and long-suffering, less selfish and impatient.  Character is much more important than money, control and fame – which is completely upside down to what our culture teaches us.

And what does He use to cause these qualities to appear in us?  Hard times of isolation and stress.  In tough times – instead of running from them – it’s best to press into God, lean on Him and trust Him to lead through and beyond to the other side.

In God’s economy, a zigzag line is the shortest distance between two points. 

Bill Lawrence

My friend, Natasha, has led a zigzag life in many ways.  Traveling from place to place, finances running low, with unexpected roadblocks and difficulty plaguing her since childhood, she could easily fall into self-pity.  But her stories usually circle around to the fact that she is learning to trust God in the macro as well as the micro, the seen as well as the unseen.

God has each of us in a unique place, in just the right moment of time and in the exact family that is best for us.  Of course it’s hard, everywhere is hard, but we were not put on this earth simply to have a joy fest.

I was walking outside the other day enjoying the beautiful sunshine when I heard some whirring wings above my head.  I looked up and saw a large flock of birds, starlings I think.  These amazing birds were doing acrobatics as if they had trained and practiced.  They would swoop up vertically for a short time then perform a circular pattern, immediately straighten out and fly as if on a racetrack.  Then just as I thought they would continue on out of sight they swooped down for a bit and returned toward me as if they were performing an intricately choreographed routine simply for my pleasure.  There wasn’t a single collision of birds as they flew in split-second precision.

How did each one of those tiny birds know when the group was going to do their maneuvers?  I just stood there amazed as I watched them perform for me, then finally took off to give someone else a fascinating show.

When I consider the remarkable wisdom and creativity of God to gift small, seemingly insignificant birds with the ability to fly such intricate drills, I marvel.  Then I think, If Jesus choreographs their lives and flight patterns so perfectly I can rest assured that He is doing the same for me and you –  zig zags and all.

Love, Mom

 

 

 

 

 

Your Past ≠ Your Future

August 2012

Dear Daughters,

Since I had to quit teaching school six months ago I haven’t written you girls because I have been listless and unable to do much.  Thankfully I’m still able to teach piano and take care of the house, but even that’s been a stretch.

In the past year or so I’ve been listening to a lot of Joyce Meyer on CD.  A friend gave me her library of Joyce’s CD’s and she has been an excellent teacher and encourager for me in these months that have been so difficult and lonely.  She teaches on many different subjects but the one that has influenced me the most has been The Battlefield of the Mind.  I recently finished Joyce’s book by that name, so I have decided to use some of it as my focus for the next while.Joyce3

As you remember from the Old Testament, when the Israelites left Egypt after 400 years of slavery they wandered in the desert for 40 years before entering the promised land of Canaan.  What I had never known before is this:  If they had just gone straight across the desert it would have taken only eleven days.  So…why all the 40 years of wandering?  It’s something Joyce calls “Wilderness Mentalities.”  I knew that a big reason for their wanderings was their constant grumbling and complaining, but Joyce has studied the travels and attitudes of the Israelites and has come up with “Seven Wilderness Mentalities.”  Seven reasons why they continued to wander for 40 years.  Surprisingly enough, we still struggle with these very same mentalities thousands of years later.  I used to think that I was a bit more advanced in my thinking than those silly Israelites who never seemed to learn, but the more I studied these mentalities the more I realized that I’m really not much different than they were, even though I have their story to learn from.Desert2

Wilderness Mentality #1 is “My future is determined by my past and my present.”  All the Israelites had ever known was bondage in Egypt.  They had no positive vision for their lives.  As Proverbs 29:18 says “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”  They knew their history as slaves, living under harsh taskmasters, and could not fathom their lives being any different.  The same is true for us.  We know where we have been in our marriage, the annoyances, the playback of past hurts, dashed dreams of the ideals we had for our marriage.  Our adversary often feeds us the lie “Your marriage will always be like this, nothing will ever change, don’t even try.”

Anyway, back to the Israelites who grumbled and deplored their situation, accusing Moses and Aaron for their circumstances.  The Israelites got free food falling from the sky every morning, their clothes and shoes never wore out,  continuously they saw the cloud above leading them throughout the desert, yet still they complained.  They were never thankful for how God miraculously provided, but always critical – nothing was ever good enough, negative words all the time.  They simply did not trust that God loved them enough to take care of them.  My, how familiar it all sounds.

We need to get a new mindset and believe that with God all things are possible (Luke 18:27).  Asking for your marriage to flourish without God is like asking a rose to bloom without sunshine and water.  Yes, we all lose heart in our marriage now and then; it’s a battle to keep on loving, keep on forgiving.  I remember several times just wanting to walk away, give up, call it quits.  But I didn’t.  I made another meal, washed another load of clothes, prayed, listened and talked with Dad, asked God for help to love when I could not.

Memories are hard to forget, especially memories of how your husband has offended you, embarrassed you, hurt you.  As you all know Dad has offended, embarrassed and hurt me, and of course I have done all those things to him as well (I will spare you the details).  But what has happened in your marriage previously is not a prediction of what will happen in the future.  It’s not too late and it isn’t too hard because with God all things are possible.  He makes all things new if we simply allow Him to help us. New You may think that you are both too set in your ways to change and have a good marriage but remember the only one you are responsible to change is yourself.  Marriage is not about your happiness, but about you becoming more like Jesus.  Then He will do the unexpected, as you trust Him for those quiet miracles.

There’s a song I sing every morning before I get out of bed – out of necessity – because I know I can’t do life on my own.

Lord, I offer my life to you

Everything I’ve been through, use it for your glory,

Lord, I offer my days to you, all of my praise to you

As a pleasing sacrifice, Lord I offer you my life.

What do I have that you have not given?

And what do I have that is not already yours?

You are the one who makes life worth living

And that’s why I come to you Lord.

~ Claire Cloninger

Love,

Mom

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