Dear Daughters,
In our family we have always joked that Dad and I had an arranged marriage. Grandma Koopman invited him over to our house for dinner, made sure he was a part of our water skiing outings on the Snake River, had us sing duets together in church and generally encouraged the relationship significantly. Grandma Baar too played her part by buying me such thoughtful, practical gifts.
As in many courtships, he wasn’t the man I had in mind for a husband. He was too short and too old. I was looking for a guy at least 5 inches taller than me (I’m 5’ 10” and he was my exact height) plus he was five years older than me (at 19, a 24-year-old seemed terribly old.) But as I got to know Dad those physical characteristics didn’t matter much at all. Within 18 months we were married.
Did you know that in our world today, over half of all marriages occur between a man and woman who have never felt a bit of romantic love for each other? Teenagers in most parts of Asia and Africa take it for granted that their spouse will be chosen for them by their parents, just as we take for granted that we will fall in love with the man of our dreams.
In our American culture, people tend to marry because they are attracted to another’s physical and other appealing qualities. Over time, however, these qualities will change. Our physical bodies, especially, will deteriorate when we age. It is inevitable that many unexpected surprises will surface. None of us really know the man that we marry. If the truth be known, we barely know much about ourselves. Stanley Hauerwas says:
We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being the enormous thing it is, means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is…learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.
Philip Yancey in his book Grace Notes, ponders how the “spirit of arranged marriages” might transform our mentality in the West. 
The partners in an arranged marriage do not center their relationship on mutual attractions. Because your parents have decided whom you will marry, you simply accept that you will live for many years with someone you have just recently met. Unlike the Western question of “Whom should I marry?” the question that now comes to the forefront is “Given this partner, what kind of marriage can we construct together?”
Many people who have been married for any length of time may think, Love shouldn’t be this hard; it should come naturally. But if we look at any other discipline in life, we notice that it takes work and practice. Would someone who wants to play professional golf say It shouldn’t be so hard to get that ball into a little hole 300 yards away? I have had many piano students who start lessons, and then a few years down the road quit because they remark It looked so easy, why is it taking so long to sound good?
There is nothing in life that comes easy, especially not loving our husbands. Marriage is a continual dying to ourselves and learning to put other’s needs before our own. Sometimes we may lament that we have married the wrong person. But keep in mind that we never marry the right person because the quest for perfect compatibility simply does not exist. Your marriage was not an accident, it was arranged by God and He will give you the strength to continue to love, forgive, and be good to your man. No, it will not be easy but it is certainly worth the time and effort that it takes.
Over the years you will definitely go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person you didn’t marry, someone who seems like a stranger to you. You will change, he will change. But the beauty of marriage is that God will give you the ability to face and adapt to whatever new circumstances may come your way.
I married a dairyman but that only lasted for 4 years. Dad then became a seminary student and eventually a pastor. It’s certainly not what I planned on or signed up for, but I have learned to love, and let me emphasize learned to love. It did not come easy, and neither did Dad’s love for me, especially when I became sick and could no longer live the active life that I once did.
As Denis de Rougemont so wisely said “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love…?” Raw, natural talent never made a pro golfer or an accomplished pianist. It takes endurance, discipline and plain old hard work to do anything well. But the good news it, it’s possible and it is worth it.
I love the promise in Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up.” God rewards the faithful and I rejoice as I witness the good that He is doing in all of your marriages.
Love, Mom
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
3 John 1:4
http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdzve-iE2JA
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