A Shared Adventure

Dear Daughters,

What is your favorite adventure story? One of my favorites is from the Chronicles of Narnia series, The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis.  The story is about a boy and girl along with two talking horses escaping to Narnia, a country far from where they met.  They are both separately fleeing the wickedness that is being planned against each one of them.

The children, Shasta and Aravis, did not at all like the other when they first met, but because of life’s circumstances and Aslan’s guiding paw, they bonded together (often out of necessity) in order to keep safe and complete the journey. Their expedition was complete with arguments, danger, difficult decisions of loyalty, and dealing with ordinary human quirks of pride and selfishness. 

Every great story has battles and is filled with adventure, marriage being no exception. I had never perceived my marriage as a shared adventure until I read the chapter by that name in John and Stasi Eldredge’s book Love and War. The Bible is filled with the drama and adventure of marriage – Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, David and Bathsheba, Hosea and Gomer.  In all these marriages there were times of discord, anger, conniving, trickery, blame and heartbreak.  

Marriages today are no different from thousands of years ago. Yes, the outward trappings have changed, but the emotions, challenges and battles remain the same.  Just as God chose to work through those long-ago marriages, so He works through yours and mine.  He has an adventure and a mission in mind for you and your man.

Whether it is traveling together, erecting a tent, or discovering a beautiful national park, we are awakened from the dulling effect of the daily grind. Some of Dad’s and my biggest fights came as I, the directionally impaired navigator, tried to make sense of the paper Atlas (way before Google Maps) and would tell him as we were flying by an exit that I think this is the exit we were supposed to take.  Putting up a tent together wasn’t exactly romantic either but we learned something new and decided to forgive after a bit of grousing.

Anyway, it’s good for us to have adventures, but also a shared mission in life.

I had never before thought about my marriage as having a mission apart from raising children and trying to have a happy home. Both of those goals are good and noble, but if that is your only goal in life it’s going to be tough when the kids are out of the house and you realize that you don’t even know your husband any more.  Once the kids are gone the sense of shared adventure evaporates.  That is why empty nesters’ divorce rate is so high.  The children were hiding the chasm – the husband and wife were never one.

When Dad started pastoring, I began teaching music Monday through Friday. It was not an ideal situation.  Our days off were never the same, he took Mondays; I never took a day off – which I have paid for in recent years.  We never took date nights (practical me thought they were too frivolous and expensive) and we drifted apart.  We each had our own separate calling, and yes sometimes we collaborated on projects but really didn’t have a shared mission.

As John Eldredge says:

A beautiful you and a beautiful me in a beautiful place forever is not the right vision of a marriage. It backfires on you; it betrays you.  For one thing, it ain’t gonna happen.  Not until heaven.  You will feel hurt and you’ll look for someone to blame if you hold on to this as your life’s goal.  And besides, the vision is too self-centered, too inwardly turned.  Like a bad toenail.

It seems strange, but now that Dad and I are caretakers for Grandpa and Grandma, I feel like this is the closest thing to a shared mission we have ever had. It takes both of us to do the work here, we tag team.  Dad and I call ourselves Team Koopman, along with Rhonda, Valerie, Cheryl, Robert, Ruth, Jinx and Judy.  We have a shared mission, a common goal – to lovingly care for Grandpa and Grandma here in their home.

Is it all smiles and happiness? No.  Just last night Dad and I had a spat along with some strong words having to do with the division of labor.  After almost 40 years we still do not see eye to eye on many subjects.  But one thing I have learned recently is that I need to ask God to show me the plank in my own eye before I try to point out the speck in Dad’s.

Is it all difficult and heartbreaking? No.  There is humor when Grandma waters the artificial plant in the Dr. office, and when she carries the large calendar around asking which day it is so she can be sure that we don’t forget to go where we need to go.  Yes, there is sadness when I remember how bright and spry Grandpa and Grandma used to be, and see how difficult it is for them now.  There is disappointment for Grandpa and me when I have to tell him that I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to fly to California by himself at age 90 to visit friends.

But over all there is still joy. Joy that we have a supportive crew to share in the mission we have here, which I know brings so much pleasure to the heart of God.

Have you ever asked Jesus what mission he has for you?

I encourage you to ask Him to give you a vision, a shared passion for something in the Larger Story of life. He may answer your prayer with a friend in need who needs encouragement, a disruption in life that may change the location or direction of your life, a calling that has always been lingering in your heart but now seems to be something within reach.  As Frederick Buechner says:

The place where God calls us is the place where our deep joy and the world’s deep hunger meet.

How awesome would that be to find a shared mission that you both could embark on together? It’s interesting that complaining about the dirty dishes in the sink or replacing the roll of toilet paper doesn’t seem so significant when we are working together fighting to rescue girls from the sex trade, assisting a refugee family as they adapt to a new country, helping to find healing for young child soldiers, trying to encourage a family in the inner city, giving hope to a confused and hopeless teen.

Now you might find that some of your desires and dreams are not shared by your spouse. Each person has a unique role to play; we all have a personal calling.  So sometimes it may be a most beautiful expression of companionship when we simply lay down our lives to help with our spouse’s calling.

I think of Dave and Joyce Meyer. Joyce is the focal point with her preaching, but Dave has laid down his life to be the support system for Joyce, preparing the way for her conventions and being her biggest cheerleader.  Love is always in season.

Back to the story of The Horse and His Boy. The seemingly random adventure of Shasta and Aravis turned out to be part of a much Larger Story.  Their journey together through the desert eventually led them to save Narnia from some fierce invaders intent on destroying the land.  Aslan the Lion (a Jesus-like figure) had, of course, guided the whole story from behind the scenes.

Shasta and Aravis continued to have many quarrels but they always made it up so that years later “when they were grown up, they were so used to quarreling and making up again that they got married so as to go on doing it more conveniently.”

God brought both of you together for a beautiful reason. You need each other, and the world needs both of you – together.

Love, Mom