Dear Daughters,
I’m sure there are things about your husbands that are annoying to you, simply because they and we are human. The subject of Chapter 2 in Sacred Influence is “Becoming strong enough to address your husband’s “Functional Fixedness.” Functional fixedness is a term meant to describe a man’s reluctance to change. Men don’t normally see a need for change in themselves if what they have been doing seems to be working for them. If a wife allows her husband to treat her poorly – with disrespect – he has no motivation to change. He needs a compelling reason to change, but it has to be more than your unhappiness with the situation.
One would think that a husband would want to please his wife, but let’s face it, men (as well as women) are often more concerned with their own needs than the needs of their spouse. Many women fall in to the typical trap of expressing their needs to their husbands. Things change for a few days, but eventually he goes back to his old habits. So how do we influence our men to make good, permanent changes?
In my younger years my M.O. (method of operation) was to put up with Dad’s insensitivities for a few weeks, then the week of my period I could contain my annoyance no longer and I would do the pms thing and blow up. Not a healthy way of dealing with the problem.J It wasn’t until years later that I was able to simply bring up a problem I had with him in a good conversational voice and be able to talk through what was bothering me.
The author, Gary Thomas, warns that we dare not overestimate our ability to live with a deep hurt or a gaping need for years. Satan knows how to exploit such things and may suggest another man that seems to be so much more caring and understanding than your own husband. If your ideal plan for marriage leaves no room for divorce, you must honestly accept your weaknesses and be willing to create a climate of change in your home in which your husband will be motivated to change. Unfortunately Thomas gives no easy “five steps to influence” but the rest of the book (and over the next several weeks) I will detail Thomas’ strategies for creating situations in which our men will become the best that God can help them be. If you have tried in the past to communicate your hurt and it isn’t solving the problem, then you are most likely dealing with a case of “functional fixedness” – which will take a great deal of strength and courage on your part to address.
The first strategy is that we need to become a change agent in our marriage, and as I’ve written before it starts with us knowing that we are dearly loved by Christ. Also, to truly believe that if we ask Him He will help us in our journey to love our husbands.
Be Bold. The first thing many women in the Bible had to be told was to “Be bold.” When Hagar was abandoned by her husband and she and her son seemed to be slowly starving to death, God’s angel encouraged her, “Do not be afraid.” When Mary was told that she as a virgin would carry Jesus Christ, the angel told her “Fear not.” When the women were outside of the empty tomb wondering what had happened to their Lord, an angel again said “Do not be afraid.”
Fear gives way to paralysis, and many times passivity is our greatest enemy. Marriages can slowly die from apathy; relationships wilt when neither partner will address the unhealthy patterns that are sucking the life out of their marriage. But to be able to become that bold woman we must know who we are in Christ – beloved daughters of God. Armed with that knowledge, security, and acceptance we can be bold and become a force for good in our marriages. The power of Moses’ words are a wonderful promise to keep in mind “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)
Simply hoping for change is not a strategy. A good marriage doesn’t happen by accident. You can’t build a business by accident, and I can’t write a song by accident. All good things take work and activity, but too often we find ourselves thinking “It’s no use.” It’s so much easier to give up on marriage, give up on kids, give up on prayer, give up on ourselves. But God always encourages us to keep walking. When you fall down, get up and try again. God is the God of second chances, third chances – however many times it takes. His love never fails and He is always there, cheering us on.
Love, Mom
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