Happy Wives Club

Dear Daughters,

When I received a package in the mail from a friend of mine with a book entitled Happy Wives Club I groaned.  Really??  Sounded a bit simplistic to me.   I had just had a disagreement with Dad and at that moment I was not a happy wife.

Then I read the About the Author page in the back of the book.  Fawn Weaver is this beautiful young black woman, Type A personality, the CEO of one company and a CIO of its online subsidiary, has been on TED talks, started her own company at age 18, and on and on………. and happily married.  PLUS, she just wrote this book after traveling around the world, and runs the HappyWivesClub.com website that has had over 2,500,000 visitors.

I was ready to throw the book in the trash because in my world I have just enough energy to do what I have to do, and the remainder of the time I’m resting, reading and writing because my energy wanes way too quickly.  Jealous is the first word that comes to mind after reading about Fawn Weaver.

But when I settled down for my daily afternoon rest I calmed down and became curious, so decided to read at least the first chapter, with a somewhat contrived inner gratitude to my friend for sending me a free book.

Fawn’s take on the recent onslaught of negativity surrounding marriage was on target.  She cited Desperate Housewives, Basketball Wives, Stepford Wives and Married with Children as messages to TV viewers that wives are miserable, husbands cheat, and marriages don’t last.

Like all of us, she has witnessed marriages crumble, yet she is in a good marriage and was curious if she was an anomaly or if there were other wives out there in the world who are happy.  So, Fawn decided to take a trip around the world – traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents – with the mission of talking to couples of all cultures in the world who had been married for more than 25 years, searching to find some stunningly simple truths about what makes wives happy and marriages last.

Amazingly, or maybe not so amazingly, throughout the world marriages thrive because of a handful of simple secrets.

The main secret: There is no plan B for marriage.  Happily married couples have subtracted the word divorce from the equation.  Because they see marriage as life long, there is plenty of time to agree to disagree and take their time in finding common ground.

One of the couples Fawn interviewed in Canada had experienced unfaithfulness.  Interestingly, the reason Faye’s adultery started was because she allowed out of control negative thoughts to continually run through her mind.  She had become bitter because of one incident early in their marriage that she continued to feed on, refusing to forgive.  The marriage was healed when Edward chose to forgive her and Faye submitted to counseling – a long road in getting to the complex root of her bitterness.

Jerry and Bonnie, also Canadians, centered in on the sentence We disagree fairly and don’t fight dirty.  Calling each other names is just plain mean and they can stick in a spouse’s mind forever.  Shut up unless it really matters, is another mantra they follow.  Let the small stuff go, petty annoyances are not worth fighting over.  AEOD (accept each other’s differences) is a good acronym to keep in mind.  Just because your husband is different from you doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

In South Africa, Henry and Pat spoke of respecting one another.  Respect actually turned up in every language around the world, from Indian `arranged’ marriages to `love’ marriages in many other countries.  Henry and Pat also decided that because tomorrow is never promised, they would never carry a disagreement into the night.

In Croatia, Mia invited Fawn to go to The Museum of Broken Relationships – a place representing the exact opposite of what Fawn was looking for on her world-wide tour.  It won the 2011 European Award for Most Innovative Museum.  Inside were scattered wedding albums, teddy bears, pink furry handcuffs, wedding dresses, an axe, videos chronicling the pain of love gone wrong, among many other disturbing exhibits and their corresponding stories.

Later that day Fawn met Sanja, a fashion model and an arms dealer for the Swedes, and she too was adamant about the respect issue.  If I want respect, I must treat him with respect.  She believes it is impossible to expect something you are not willing to give yourself.  Yes, it takes work – but there’s nothing wrong with work.

On to the Philippines, Ben and Gloria were asked if they had any regrets, looking back over their decades of marriage.  Looking at each other they both said No, everything we’ve done from the beginning we’ve continued to do until now. 

Really??  Now that’s unbelievable for me.  I’ve known a lot of married folks in my life and no one has ever told me that.  I’ve had regrets, everyone I know has had regrets.  Although to be fair, Fawn mentioned that the Filipinos are by nature some of the cheeriest people she has ever met.  Maybe that’s the secret….

Doug and Barb, living in a 150-square-foot RV in Australia, mentioned the Golden Rule as a main factor that kept their marriage strong for 40 years.  Doug, now caring for Barb who suffers from ALS, says that Doing unto others as you would have them do to you was taught him by his parents, and his wife has been the chief beneficiary of that wisdom.  They both learned that personal sacrifice for anyone, especially your spouse, is a great display of strength and character.  Not weakness.

In Fiji, the issue of disposability came up.  Andrew said, When our parents bought a television they kept it for 20 years, and if it broke they fixed it.  The same was the case for refrigerators and anything else.  Now we buy new televisions well before they’re broken, because there’s a newer model out.  We do that with computers and everything else.  It seems that disposability has overtaken relationships as well.  If there’s a newer better-looking model, many people just dump the old one.

Once again – we’re back to the No Plan B, divorce is out of the equation – the universal marriage saver.

The last country Fawn visited was Argentina where she talked with Marcello and Silvina.  Marcello commented that Silvina is like a spider.  It seemed a strange image for a wife to take on, but Silvina agreed that she is like a spider spinning her web.  When she sees the web starting to break she works to fix it, otherwise the hole just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Hmmm, a great word picture.  Better to mend a hole when it’s small than trying to repair a huge gaping rip.  Good wisdom to remember.

Back to her home in California, Fawn talked to a few more couples.  With more than half of marriages ending in divorce, she learned that happiness in marriage is a choice.  It’s kind of like a plant, an everlasting plant that is meant to be watered so it can bloom and produce fruit.  But you have to be willing to nurture it daily or it will wilt, turn brown and die.

All the couples Fawn interviewed had a daily ritual of some kind, breakfast together, tea in the afternoon – some time where they could connect, talk and build trust day by day.

For Dad and I, every night after he watches the news he comes to give me a backrub, a specific lymphatic backrub he learned from a therapist I had visited. It only takes a few minutes, but it has obliterated the neck stiffness I had experienced for years.  Then we talk, sometimes for 10 minutes sometimes 45.  Our talks range from politics to children to caretaking responsibilities for Grandpa to books we have recently been reading.  It is good, affirming and a wonderful way to end the day. After we talk, we pray for whoever God brings to mind that evening.  Praying together has helped to bring unity into our marriage.

Fawn also found a universal belief and dependence on God within every successful marriage.  Couples always fare better if there is a third, invisible Person involved.

Marriage around the world is fundamentally the same for everyone.  We may be different colors, have dramatically different cultural backgrounds and stories, eat different food, yet if we have a pulse we have a need for respect, acceptance and love.  Love is a choice, just like happiness, and they are the most beautiful choices in the world.

My dear daughters, continue to choose happiness in your marriages and be blessed.

Love, Mom

P.S. The book and the Happy Wives Club website are both wonderful.  The website gives some wonderful ideas about how to love your husband better, which brings more happiness to you!