A Curse

Dear Daughters,

Seven months ago Dad and I drove north a few hours and spent three days at a beautiful Bed & Breakfast in Challis, Idaho.  There were gorgeous mountains all around, the Salmon River running through – a place that should bring peace.  But I made it quite miserable for Dad and I because I slept poorly and cried much of the days, saying

I just want to die.

Because of my chronic fatigue, I knew even before we went that I would stay back while Dad went hiking and exploring the deserted mines and  ghost towns.  He would come back a few times a day to check on me – I can’t imagine why – because I was Negative Nellie, lamenting my lot in life, telling him I just wanted to die.

I would get up and walk around now and then, put on my happy face for our hostess, saying how much we loved their ranch.  Then back to the room and depression where I threw a remarkable pity party.

All in all, it was a despondent time for me, which of course affected Dad as well.  I had been thinking those words I just want to die for a while but had never verbalized it.  My life had been becoming more difficult because of Grandma’s decline into severe dementia and I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

A few days after we returned home from the ranch, I was listening to a YouTube talk by Derek Prince.  He was speaking about Blessings and Curses.  He said

Whenever you say the words I just want to die, you are bringing a curse on yourself. 

I was rather shocked because I  figured I was simply expressing my emotions honestly and openly.  But Derek spoke the words from Proverbs 18:21

The tongue can bring death or life: those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

I was convicted that the words I had been repeating were bringing me down and certainly not helping my physical or emotional health.

Derek also taught that in order to combat the curse I had been proclaiming on myself I needed to speak words to give life, and he gave this replacement phrase

I shall not die but live, and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.  Proverbs 118:17

I decided to memorize that verse and started saying it over and over again – out loud when I was alone and in my mind when I was around people.  I was quite amazed at how my outlook on life changed.  Yes, it was a battle to say those words because the other negative words had worn a well-trod path in my mind, but I was determined to get rid of the curse I had placed on myself.

Interestingly, for years as a teacher, I would not allow my students to use the word can’t because of the negative impact it had on children’s ability to learn and perform.  But here I was – not speaking the word can’t – yet using words that were life-killing and having adverse effects on me and Dad.  Isn’t it true that we are usually at our ugliest with our husbands?  I would typically be kind and good to others around me, saving the worst moods to be exhibited for the one I love the most.

Just this week Dad and I went away for a few days again, this time into the Boise foothills, renting a charming little VRBO cabin.  It was a delightful few days,  sleeping well, and having a bit more energy.   Dad went biking and hiking while I stayed around home base, but I actually enjoyed myself – taking short walks around the area, snapping some pictures, reading, writing and saying those words of blessing over and over again

I shall not die but live and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.

Sometimes shortening it to

I shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord.

I have learned much about blessings and curses in these past months, and have started dissecting other thoughts I have had in years past.  A few thoughts like

Our marriage is never going to get any better, why not just give up

I am never to be healthy again

Poor me, everyone else sleeps so much better than I

  __________________  (fill in the blank) is never going to change

What have I done to deserve this illness?

It’s thoughts like these that can paralyze our lives, as we despair for anything ever getting better.  Curses – negative words spoken toward ourselves or others – are real and not just harmless phrases.  They carry the power of life and death within them.

Watch your thoughts for they become words.  Watch your words for they become actions.  Watch your actions for they become habits.  Watch your habits for they become your character.  And watch your character for it becomes your destiny.  What we think, we become.                                  

 ~ Author unknown

Many years ago I remember telling a friend about some thoughts that were distressing me at the time.  Her reply was Oh, don’t worry about your thoughts – they don’t matter – it’s only actions that count.

Her advice didn’t seem quite right and I forgot about it for a while, but looking back I see that it was poor advice and a downright lie.  Your thoughts do matter because they are the seeds we plant that eventually become our destiny.

I have learned to speak blessings over myself, Dad, our family and  over other situations that Jesus brings to my mind from time to time.  It is so easy to get trapped in our situations, thinking and speaking that we are doomed to stay here for the rest of our lives.  But that is not the truth.  All things are possible with God, and nothing is possible without Him.

Speak blessings and not curses – about yourselves, your life circumstances, and others around you – and learn what power those words have in your life.

Love, Mom